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Re: OT,tell me how I can improve my narrative essay.

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Nickmaster202 is not online. Nickmaster202
Joined: 31 Jul 2009
Total Posts: 5334
17 Nov 2011 09:41 PM
Luck comes in three's

The jeep swerved, flew off the edge of the cliff, tumbled down the mountain and finnaly
crashed into the wall of a canyon. Fumbling out into the darkness, two young men,
miracuously escaping the wreck with only cuts and scratches, stepped out of the vehicle and
examined it.
"Nice one, Paul." the passenger said bitterly.
"Well, there was a coyote crossing the road," Paul said, "Was I supposed to just run it over?"
The passenger kicked the jeep, cursing under his breath.
"Calm down, Dave," Paul said, "We can just walk back to the road and follow it to town"
Paul and Dave were as close as two brothers could be. In a family of 14 other siblings besides
themselves, they always shared a special bond. Paul had dark brown hair and freckles that
resembled their mother, and Dave had blond hair that resembled their father. Dave was
short-tempered and Paul was calm, most of the time. But no matter how much they varied,
they somehow made it work. They had been going camping on a marked campground for a
week and were on their way home, on a steep, mountain path. The fact was, though, that
they didn't know where the road was. It was 11:30 at night, and there were no street lights
ligning the desert road, no luminescent source to be found in the lonely desert that bordered
the Rocky Mountains in southern Nevada. All they could do was pick a direction and hope for
the best.
The brothers begain rummaging through the trunk. Dave looked, Paul held the flashlight's
luminescent glow over him. Dave pulled out the tent they had used just days before. It had
been severely torn from a jagged shard of metal from the crash.
"Useless." Dave muttered, as he threw it aside.
Dave continued looking and found their backpack. It contained some canned food, a bottle of
water, and some discarded matches at the very bottom. He put the weighted backpack on his
shoulders and slammed the empty trunk shut.
"I think going this way is a good idea" Paul said, uncertain of his own words.
"You also thought wrecking the rental jeep to save an animal was a good idea too." Dave hissed.
"Look," Paul said, "It's not like we have another option"
Paul's words hung ominously in the air, almost as if someone was there with them,telling
them: "You are doomed."

The two friends started walking down the canyon. Paul shined his light on the wavy red
canyon walls once in a while. Dave opened a can of pears and greedily munched on them as
he walked. The loneliness was almost unbearable. Neither one of the young men spoke to
break the eerie, silent atmosphere that enveloped them like a cloak. It seemed like they had
walked for ages as they watched the red sun peek over the horizon. Soon, they reached a fork
in the canyon.
"I don't remember going past this." Dave said, almost in an "I told you so" tone of voice.
"W-well," Paul said shakily "We couldn't see in the darkness. F-for all we know, the road could be just up ahead."
Dave replied, "Well, ok, but I'm picking which way we go this time." And Dave started down
the left canyon. Paul opened his mouth to object, but he stopped himself, and he ran to catch
up with Dave.
They continued walking. Sometimes, they would hear a rustling in a bushes, and get as
nervous as a schoolboy before he has to perform an oral report, but it would turn out to be a
jackrabbit or a lizard. After walking about another half a mile, they came across a cool, damp
cave.
"Let's take a little nap there and keep going." Dave suggested.
Paul shined his flashlight into the cave. The beam of light revealed nothing but some
stalagmites and a little mouse scampering away like a bank robber avoids a helicopter
searchlight. Then, Paul heard a growl and they both froze. "What was that?" Dave asked.
"Oh, I guess I'm kind of hungry." Paul said, unable to stop a small smirk forming on his face.
They both laughed, and Paul reached for some beef jerky in the backpack. But then they heard another growl, one that seemed to emit from the cave itself.
"That time it wasn't me." Paul said, with a look of horror on his face.
Paul shined the flashlight into the cave again, and this time it revealed two sky blue eyes,
almost like sparkling gems. The eyes stared at Paul, and the growl got louder. Before the duo
had time to think, a tan streak flew from the cave and landed on it's feet.
"A mountain lion!" Both brothers said out of amazement and fear.
Petrified with fear, Dave stood there, not knowing what to do. The big cat aimed for the back
of the teenager's neck. Fourtunately, it missed, and instead landed on Dave, where both man
and beast fell on the ground, like they were in a wrestling match. The mountain lion, always
one step ahead from it's human adversaries, got up first. Dave thought that this would be the
last sight he would ever see, until Paul came. Paul had found an old, rotting, knarled stick
and whacked the cat across the face with it. Sweaty, he mustered up what little remaining
strength he had and whacked the beast another time on it's back. By now, the lion had turned
it's attention toward Paul and slapped him across the face with a mighty paw.
Paul at the mountain lion's mercy, Dave had to think fast, or they would both become cat
food. He saw loose rocks gathered on the top of the canyon walls. It was a big risk, but he
would have to take it.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Dave yelled at the top of his lungs.
The rocks began to shake. First,the little rocks came down. Then bigger ones. Then bigger
ones. The rocks kept pouring and pouring like a hailstorm. The mountain lion froze, giving
Paul time to jump out of the way to safety.
When the dust had cleared, Paul and Dave were still alive, again saved from a tragic death. A
paw that was once used to swipe Paul across the face now lay poking out from the pile of
rubble, looking innocent as it lay motionless. They breathed a sigh of relief.
A half-hour went by. Paul was munching on some beef jerky, and Dave was humming a little
tune as he checked the supplies in the backpack. Suddenly, they heard the sound of
helicopter blades twirling. A rescue helicopter! They began waving and shouting to try to get
the pilot's attention. Luck came a third time. The pilot began to descend into the red canyon
below.
"When we heard the avalanche, I went to go see if anyone was hurt. Thankfully, it looks like you weren't scraped up too bad."
The two brothers and the unshaven pilot boarded the plane. The blades rotated as fast as a
rolleroaster, and the helicopter took off.
"So, how was that for an adventure?" Paul asked.
"Yeah," Dave groaned, "I think you should go back to driving school."
The pilot interrupted their laughter.
"You never told me how you two ended up in that canyon."
The two brothers explained how their jeep, spinning like a top, had flown down the
mountain and crashed. How they went the way opposite from the road in the darkness. They
told him of the blue-eyed mountain lion, and how they defeated the creature, at the same
time unintentionally calling over a rescue helicopter.
The pilot sat in deep thought for a while. His eyes were keen. His face was perpelxed. After a long while, he spoke:
"Luck really can come in three's"
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T3XT is not online. T3XT
Joined: 25 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 9233
17 Nov 2011 09:43 PM
If you post it here, someone will steal it.
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IcyTheHedgehog is not online. IcyTheHedgehog
Joined: 03 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 44314
17 Nov 2011 09:43 PM
>finnaly
>First line.

Looks fine to me.
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Nickmaster202 is not online. Nickmaster202
Joined: 31 Jul 2009
Total Posts: 5334
17 Nov 2011 09:44 PM
@Icy

Should've used spellcheck.

Thanks.
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IcyTheHedgehog is not online. IcyTheHedgehog
Joined: 03 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 44314
17 Nov 2011 09:47 PM
>"W-well," Paul said shakily "We couldn't see in the darkness. F-for all we know, the road could be just up ahead."

Corrected:

"W-well," Paul said shakily, "we couldn't see in the darkness. F-for all we know, the road could be just up ahead."

or

"W-well," Paul said shakily . . . "We couldn't see in the darkness. F-for all we know, the road could be just up ahead."


Whatever you'd like to use. You can also use a normal period.
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