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Re: Prologue + Chapter 1 of my story (apocalypse)

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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 196
13 Nov 2011 11:26 AM
I cant post chapter 2 because of the annoying roblox filter, i cant find anything wrong with it. So heres the prologue. I'll post chapter 1 after this and I'll ATTEMPT to post chapter 2 if you guys want it


Pretty short prologue btw. It's about an apocalypse.

Prologue
“There, that’s the finishing touch on my spray.” Doctor Marsh said. He closed the vial of liquid and placed it on his shelf, along with the twenty other dozens of liquid. Doctor Marsh was a scientist that worked, ate, and slept in his laboratory that was hidden deep underground in Dallas, Texas. He was always surrounded by tables which had tons of papers, scrapped experiments, and other junk piled on top of it.
His cell phone in his pocket rang. Doctor Marsh reached in and grabbed it quickly. He flipped it open and pressed it to his ear. “Did you finish it?” the voice asked in a hushed tone.
“Why yes, how could you have doubted me?” Doctor Marsh smirked, even though nobody was there to see it.
“Doctor Marsh, most of your other experiments have failed. Now, when do you plan on bringing this little experiment of yours to us for use?”
“Tomorrow, actually. Would you like it in one big vial or in separate ones?” Doctor Marsh surprised the voice on the phone.
“Tomorrow? Wow, you sure seem confident in your abilities. I hope this hasn’t failed, or this will be your last experiment.” The phone line went dead. Doctor Marsh swiped off a dozen of papers off his desk, and then flipped the desk.
“Blasted, I can’t wait till he sees this experiment. It will surprise him so much. Their plan in overthrowing the government and the world will be complete, and only with me.” He looked at his potions. “If I decide to help them correctly.” Doctor Marsh walked over to his desk. He opened a drawer and pulled out a pistol, thinking he may need it for defense if this turned out wrong. He smirked once again, knowing that they would not forget this. They would regret shunning him from the world because of his old experiments. He inserted the pistol in to his pocket and had his shirt cover it.
“And he didn’t even tell me in separate or one big vial! That idiot.” He walked over to one of his huge cabinets, pulled it open, grabbed a big vial, and then slammed it shut. Slowly and carefully, he poured the other separate vials in to the big vial. He grabbed a lid from on top of his desk and sealed it on. Also on top of his desk was a piece of paper, which he grabbed. It contained the directions to the voice’s location. According to the paper, it was located in- no, it couldn’t be, Doctor Marsh thought. Underneath Washington D.C.? That place seems… too obvious. That’s where I used to live and carry everything out…. Oh well.
He guessed he couldn’t change it, so carrying the vial in one hand he opened the door to the outside, and used the elevator to go back to the surface.
“Let’s test my potion a little bit.” Doctor Marsh saw a tiny little armadillo, and poured 1 teaspoon on to the armadillo. Instantly, it flipped over and appeared to be dead. But then, it’s eyes flashed red. It came back over, and was hungry for blood. It jumped at Doctor Marsh’s face, clawing at him. He pulled out his gun and shot the armadillo twice. He blew the gun’s bullet hole, and then put it back in his pocket.
“I guess it works.” He laughed. “If this is what it does to an armadillo, I wonder what will happen to a human.” With that, he started to traverse the desert. He would have to walk 2 miles across the desert to the city, then one more mile to an airport. Everything was already paid for at the airport, so all he had to do was walk in, board the plane, and then wake up at his destination.
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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 196
13 Nov 2011 11:29 AM
bawmp Here is chapter 1



Chapter 1: The Cries for Help
Jonas grabbed the radio and screamed for help as blood-thirsty humans rammed at their boarded up windows and doors. This was the only safe place in the entire city, which was infested with these demented humans who were trying to eat them. He realized they were called zombies, but didn’t bother calling them that. With his brother, Bill, they used the radio to call for help. The lines were open as they were looking for any survivors. All they had was a couple of pistols, but they were all out of ammo. If the zombies got in, it was all over.
“Bill to radio, Bill to radio, do you read me?” Bill yelled, urgent for help. Suddenly, they heard static over the loud petrified cries of the zombies.
“Anybody there?” a voice from the radio yelled. Bill looked at Jonas, telling him to answer the radio. Bill picked up a knife on the ground. “I’ll get the zombies.” Bill ran to the barrier and started cutting at the zombies desperately. One hand reached through and grabbed Bill’s throat but he cut it off in a heartbeat.
Jonas frantically grabbed the radio. “Hello? We’re here!” Jonas yelled in to the radio, desperate for an answer. Nobody spoke. He rolled his eyes and fell to the ground, knowing this was hopeless when he heard more static. Somebody had answered!
“Listen, get to safety! We’re going to drop mortars on the city in 10 minutes when the choppers get there. Try and survive until then, okay?” the voice told them. Jonas agreed and the radio stopped. Jonas grabbed a bowie knife from the ground and helped Bill out. Together, they cleared the barrier of zombie’s right when their arms started getting tired.
“That was close.” Bill breathed. But suddenly, a whole wave of zombies appeared again. They started knifing again with no other choice as they had no guns. Suddenly, one of the boards on the barrier broke down. They had no hammers to repair it, so if all of them fell down, they were pretty much zombie food.
Bill stabbed a zombie in the chest. “We have to get out of here and find new shelter with the radio- but where? And how, the only entrance and exit is barricaded!” Another barrier fell down, leaving only 6 left.
“If we can get to the bank” Jonas started. “I’m sure that they will have guns in some of the vaults that are loaded with ammo. But we have to get out of here first.” A zombie suddenly grabbed Jonas. Two more hands clenched his arms and started to pull him away. “HELP!” The hole in the barrier was just big enough to squeeze Jonas through.
Bill grabbed the zombies and bashed their heads together. He pulled Jonas’s legs in to the house and the rest of his body with it. He killed three more zombies that had pulled off another barrier. It was getting tight.
“There are no more” Bill muttered. “Should we make a run for it?” They both glanced out of the barriers, peeking their heads out just enough as to see the area around them.
“I don’t see anybody, let’s go!” Jonas shouted. He quickly scratched at the boards, trying to pry them apart from their spot. Bill grabbed his arms and pulled him back.
“Hold on, do you really want to risk getting eaten by those things? We seem to be the only survivors’ of that nuke that that weird guy dropped on us with the gas.” Bill calmed him down. It seemed like only a few minutes ago. A weird man had invaded the government office in the city and put all this gas inside the building. The gas leaked outside and some of the civilians caught it, and somehow this happened. Luckily, Jonas and Bill were not in the area in which this happened.
“Alright, let’s go.” Bill said quietly. He silently pried off the boards from the barrier and placed them on the ground. Carrying their only weapons the knife, they tip-toed outside. Bill ushered for Jonas to walk across. He noticed how destroyed the city had become. Before, it had been a bustling plaza full of life and joy with plenty of shops and children playing and such. Now, there was fire spurting from almost every building, debris from buildings on the ground, and the sky was dark, very dark. Bill checked his watch, and it read 7:00 AM.
Jonas stepped over a piece of a roof that had fallen off a building next door to the one they were in just a couple of seconds before.
“Look at this place” Jonas muttered. “This is a catastrophe.” Bill nodded, trying not to make any noise. Who knew where the zombies could be hiding. Two feet ahead lay the bank, the door wide open for them. It seemed to easy, Bill thought. But they went in anyways. Inside, the bank seemed normal compared to the rest of the city. Only a couple of scratches here and there and some broken down glass and wood but that was the most of the damage.
“The vaults are located behind the desks.” Bill told Jonas. Before this apocalypse occurred, Bill had worked at the bank to help support his family. Luckily he still had the key to open all the vaults there were, so they could look for weapons.
“I’m sure that the millionaire’s vaults will have guns. Where do you think the guards get the guns?” Jonas told Bill.
Bill replied, “Listen, and let me handle the supplies. Go close the bank’s doors and board up all the windows and other doors. Use the debris on the ground, got it?” Jonas nodded. He picked up a hammer that was by the door and got to work with several wood pieces that had collapsed a while before.
Bill ran behind the desks and checked out the vaults. He started with the millionaire in the city, Jack Parker.
“Turns out he was right.” Bill told himself. When he opened the vault it contained tons and tons of gold, and then some. To the right of the gold were several boxes labeled GUNS. Bill walked over to the boxes, and opened the top. He threw the top aside and glanced inside.
Bill was overcome with joy. Inside contained two AK47’s, a couple of MP5K’s, and just for extra protection one rocket launcher. It was too good to be true, Bill thought. But he picked up the AK47 and got another one for Jonas. He checked them and figured out they were loaded with ammo. Enough to survive for a month. There was also a box of ammo for all the weapons in the gun box for them. Bill loaded all the guns up until they had the maximum amount of ammo in them. Then, he placed the extra ammo for the MP5K and AK47 inside his pockets. The winter jacket he was wearing was loaded with pockets everywhere.
Carefully stepping out of the vault, hoping there were no traps, he went to Jonas. Jonas was just about finishing up boarding up the windows.
“Jonas, guess what?” Bill said. “I got an AK47 for us both, and then some more guns!” Jonas grabbed an AK47.
“And their full of ammo!” Jonas said happily. He fired it around but Bill put a hand on the gun.
“Don’t waste the ammo. I put the maximum amount of ammo in all of these.” He reached in to his pocket. “Here, take one of these packets of AK47 ammunition.” He gave him one of the packets and he put it in his pocket.
“Can you read me? Is there anybody still alive?” a voice shouted from inside the millionaire’s vault. Jonas looked at Bill. Together, they ran inside the vault and grabbed the radio that was behind the gold pieces.
“Yes, we’re still alive. Now can you just drop those mortars and clear the area? It’s not that fun knowing that all around you flesh eating mutants want your flesh.” Jonas told him.
“Fine. Get to cover, mortars dropping in 5 seconds.” The voice said. Then, the radio transmission ended. Jonas and Bill crouched down in the corner of the bank. Jonas then said something to Bill.
“What was the point of having me build up the barriers if the windows and doors are going to collapse anyways?” Jonas said. Bill laughed.
“I had to distract you. You would probably be more focused on the gold than on the supplies for survival.” He replied. Then, they heard something. The windows shattered. The doors fell down. Following that was a huge BOOM! Then, everything blacked out.
Jason touched his earpiece. “I have no sight of them. Clear.” He stepped over debris, looking at the house where Jonas and Bill were before the bank. “However, there is sign of life here in this building.”
He jumped through the broken barrier and went in to the house. Then, he saw something that proved that they were there. “I found a radio! They are near this area!” Jason yelled in to his earpiece.
Just a year ago, Jason had become an official lieutenant of the U.S. Army. Never had he expected all of this to happen. It seemed like it was the army’s job to do everything.
Jason stepped outside the barrier. Suddenly, he saw footsteps. Footsteps covered in blood. He followed the bloody footsteps as they led him in to a half destroyed bank. Inside, he could tell they were here as well. There were barriers that were torn down, and a vault was open. Gripping his gun tightly, Jason ran inside and saw two humans slumped against the wall, unconscious.
He touched his earpiece once again. “Found them, but their unconscious. We got to load them on to the helicopter, and fast before more zombies get over here.”
Bill’s eyelids flickered for a moment. Then, he awoke. Glancing around him, he noticed he was on a U.S. Army helicopter that was filled with other soldiers. One particular soldier was staring at him.
“You got blood on your face.” He said. “Clean it.” Then he looked away. Bill felt his face and noticed it was extremely bloody. He looked at the other soldiers, as if asking for a cloth telepathically, and was answered. One soldier got up and went to the back where he fetched a huge towel. Bill grabbed it and wiped his whole face clean. Looking at the blood, he noticed he must’ve had at least a gallon of it on his face.
He turned to his right, where he saw Jonas slumped on the bench he was sitting on. He was still unconscious.
Looking back at the soldiers, he asked, “Where are we? How did you find us?” The soldier chuckled.
“You guys were unconscious. We tracked you after you sent the radio call for help.”
“But that doesn’t explain where we are now.” Bill said, glancing at the soldier. “Tell me where we are, and why we are here.”
“We brought you on to the helicopter after a couple of dozens of zombies started attacking us. We’re the army, you see. We are the only resistance the entire human race has got. You two were lucky enough to survive in that city. It was a mess in there.” He spat on the ground. “Whoever started this mess is going to have to pay.” Then, he grabbed a Stoner63 off the ground of the helicopter and handed it to Bill. “Your guns were left behind, sorry.”
Bill grabbed the Stoner63, noticing it was full of ammunition. “Thanks. But how come Jonas isn’t awake?”
Another soldier who was carrying a first aid kit walked in. “He suffered serious wounds.” Bill glanced at him. “Oh sorry, I couldn’t help but overhearing. I’m the medic of the team. Let me heal your friend.” The man walked over to Jonas’s body and opened his case. With a needle he injected some liquid into his body. Then he started patching up all the blood and stitching up the holes.
“Wow.” Bill said. “He was really hurt.”
“We caught him just in time.” The soldier said. “When one of our soldiers, the one who is healing Jonas found you guys, Jonas was bleeding so much. He seemed very sensitive to that shake we caused when we landed, sorry.”
The medic stood up. “He’ll be fine.” He added on, “Jonas will wake up in two, maybe three hours.”
The soldier nodded. “Good. Just enough time for us to get across the ocean.”
“What’s your name?” Bill asked, curious.
“Me?” he asked. Bill nodded. “My name is Alex. Alex Jackson.”
Bill noticed something. “Where are the other soldiers? Isn’t the army bigger than this?”
Alex sighed. “They’ve all died, unfortunately. Everybody here possessed skills people need to survive.”
Suddenly, one of the soldiers started to act strangely. First, he punched one of the other soldiers in the face spontaneously. Then, he stood up, grasping his throat. His eyes turned red. Then, he launched himself at Alex.
“No!” Bill said. He grabbed the Stoner63 and shot the zombie five times in the back. But it was too late. Alex was mad with power. His eyes glowed red. His first sight was Bill, who was holding his gun. Not wanting to shoot Alex, Bill punched him in the face. He ran back in to the pilot room, but the door was locked.
Alex was in rage. “Blood!” He tackled Bill to the ground. Bill knew he was going to die right then and there. Alex had knocked his gun away from him, so he had no way of defending himself. While Alex leaned closer and the surviving soldiers backed away, their guns knocked out of their hands and scared to make a move, somebody awoke.
Jonas rubbed his forehead. Then, he stood up, and saw Alex. He didn’t want to question anything yet, but he knew that that zombie was trying to kill Bill. Jonas rushed to the shelf ahead of him and grabbed an RPK.
“Alex! Please don’t do this!” Bill pleaded, not seeing Jonas awake. Then, suddenly, five bullets passed right through Alex’s body, dropping him to the ground on top of Bill’s body. Bill brushed him off, opened the helicopter door a tiny bit, and chucked the body out, along with the other body.
He turned to Jonas. “Well, you woke up at the right time.” Jonas looked puzzled.
“Where are we, why are w-“he was cut off by Bill, who said, “I’ll explain it to you.” So Bill explained the entire situation to Jonas, how they got there and why they were there. He also explained how the U.S. was completely infested with zombies and Europe was just starting. They were heading to London to find survivors and the cure.
“Wow.” Jonas said, taking it all in. “So we really were the last survivors of the United States? That’s amazing!”
Bill nodded. “There are sure to be a lot of surviviors in London, since the contamination has just started across the seas. We’ll still be in danger though.” He looked around at the remaining soldiers, the last of the United States. There were five left. “I mean look at us. We’ve already lost two people on the way to London. Who knows what’s awaiting us. All I know is that we have to find the cure. London has some of the best scientists in the world; hopefully with their talent and our help we can find a cure. But for now, we just got to survive and find all the food and surviviors we can get.”
One other soldier spoke up. “Actually, we haven’t been getting in radio calls back from London. The contamination spreads very quickly. I wouldn’t be surprised if we and a couple of other people are the only surviviors over there. I sure hope at least one scientist is alive, though.” With that, they awaited the landing in London.

Alex’s and the other soldier’s body fell off the helicopter quickly. They fell with so much speed that they reached the ocean in a matter of minutes. As they splashed against the cold water of the Atlantic Ocean, the blood started to pour out of their body, vanishing in the water. Since their blood had been infected by zombie DNA, it was very poisonous. Even their body was poisonous. As their bodies started to sink deep in the ocean, many fish, sharks, and other underwater life swarmed the bodies. They started to eat away, not noticing what this would cause.
As they ate away, then swam away on their merry way, changes started to happen. Their digestive system changed. They now craved blood. Human blood. Their gills faded so that they could survive on the ground. Once gills were now lungs. Those who grew the lungs first swam up to the ground in a brisk pace. Those who didn’t started to notice changes and swam close to the surface just in case. All of the underwater life who had taken even the littlest bite’s eyes had started to turn red. Then, they all swarmed for the surface, craving the blood from the remaining humans on Earth.
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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 196
13 Nov 2011 11:30 AM
Boeing u be reading teh storiez right
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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
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13 Nov 2011 11:33 AM
bbbuuuuump
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Boeing717 is not online. Boeing717
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Joined: 08 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 70007
13 Nov 2011 11:36 AM
"We’re going to drop mortars on the city"
learn what mortars are please

Also, a helicopter doesn't have enough room to run around in.
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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 196
13 Nov 2011 11:36 AM
Ah yes, I was going to change the mortars part but I forgot to.

The helicopter is a big helicopter.
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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 196
13 Nov 2011 11:37 AM
Was it good other than that?
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Boeing717 is not online. Boeing717
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13 Nov 2011 11:38 AM
You still don't have enough room to run around, and it's not partitioned off into rooms.

If it was a jumbo jet with all the seats removed, you might just barely have a chase scene in that, but not in a helicopter.
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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 196
13 Nov 2011 11:39 AM
Okay I'll change the helicopter to a jumbo jet. But still tell me was it good besides those things?
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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
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13 Nov 2011 11:40 AM
bump
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sdfgw is not online. sdfgw
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Joined: 08 Jan 2009
Total Posts: 41681
13 Nov 2011 11:41 AM
by criticising I am being helpful

"twenty other dozens of liquid."

what

i would give a rating of the overall story but i don't trust my literary opinions

also is he talking to himself in the first paragraph or am i really unattentive
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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
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13 Nov 2011 11:42 AM
if by first paragraph you mean prologue yes doctor marsh is talking to himself after he hangs up the phone


just tell me your rating please?
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Boeing717 is not online. Boeing717
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13 Nov 2011 11:43 AM
>Okay I'll change the helicopter to a jumbo jet

You can't get a jumbo jet into the middle of DC, and Reagan Airport probably would have been destroyed.
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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 196
13 Nov 2011 11:45 AM
stop finding loopholes its a dang story XD


Anyways, the streets were so destroyed that they were almost clear. The jumbo jet would have room to land because of how clear the streets were.
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Boeing717 is not online. Boeing717
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13 Nov 2011 11:49 AM
Rubble in a bombed city isn't clear. You'd pop all the tires and probably break the wings.
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sdfgw is not online. sdfgw
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13 Nov 2011 11:50 AM
mk, rating, uh, uh, 6/10. Would be higher but some of the description seems quite weak or just not there - like things just sort of happen one after the other.
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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 196
13 Nov 2011 11:51 AM
Not nessecarily.
Also, the jet could also just be floating up in the air being stationary with a ladder, which is how they got them into the plane.

Now can you just rate the story besides your dang loopholes lol
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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
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13 Nov 2011 11:58 AM
I edited it so that it was changed to a jumbo helicopter, a new invention by the U.S army which was created in secret to transport more troops in one helicopter.

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Boeing717 is not online. Boeing717
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13 Nov 2011 11:59 AM
Jumbo jets can't float.
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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
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13 Nov 2011 11:59 AM
Is that better boeing now that I edited it?
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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 196
13 Nov 2011 12:00 PM
Boeing read the post about what I edited.

Sorry if you replied to that. Floodcheck bothers me.
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sdfgw is not online. sdfgw
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13 Nov 2011 12:00 PM
*snaps fingers*

IT SHOULD BE A BOEING
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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 196
13 Nov 2011 12:01 PM
YES. I WILL NOW EDIT IT TO CALL THE JUMBO HELICOPTER A BOEING
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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
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13 Nov 2011 12:02 PM
Wait guys, so now that I edited that whole helicopter thing is it better? I want to hear boeings rate though :P
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MajesticPancakes is not online. MajesticPancakes
Joined: 11 Aug 2011
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13 Nov 2011 12:03 PM
Bring
Up
My
Post
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