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Re: Chapter One: The Beginnig of Kurinoum and Cilynini
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| 09 Nov 2011 11:23 PM |
[Original Story written and made by SharkChampain, please note. EABL is not real, it is just a made up name of mine, for my stories. There will be a limit of two chapters coming out a day, to keep you in suspense When a new chapter comes out, the link will be posted in the comments, and the one before that will be posted here.]
Chapter One: The Beginning of Kurinoum and Cailynini
One foggy, hot, summer day, in a forest, two EABL (Eternal Assault Blockade Legion) lost from their squad in enemy territory. They have now been on foot from 10HundredHours to 13HundredHours, tired and weakened out; they forced themselves to push forward. They are walking in a blank forest, unknowing if there are mines, enemies, or friendlies. They both are carrying a fully automatic AKA47s, suppressed. They move up slowly, checking corner to corner, step after step, using what they were trained for, to survive, and win alone, but they have only been in the force for a week and this was their first mission as cadets! Suddenly, EABL Cadet Kurinoum sees a shadow while moving slowly up; he then gives the sign to hold positions, to female EABL Cadet Cailynani. She stops, gets down, and crawls next to Kurinoum. Then, the shadow moves, and gets closer; they do not move a muscle. They hear voices, plains, on how to take out EABL’s main HQ! They each had a Red Dot sight, moved over slowly, carefully, not triggering the enemies’ alert. Finally, they get in positions, and see three guys, each caring M60s (Lightweight Machine gun, 100 Bullet round, close range.) They knew, the enemy was limited to close range. They how so ever, had two times the range, with suppressed weaponry. They all line up, and walk forward, while talking about what to do after this defense, and trash about EABL. Then, the two cadets knew it was time, time to take the shot. They each called who they locked onto, Kurinoum aimed for the guy in the back, Cailynani, aimed for the front troop, they knew, they had to confirm the kill, then quickly take out the middle troop, before he calls for backup, or they would both die. Kurinoum and Cailynani took their shots the same second, and each fired one bullet at the middle guy, confirming three kills, in under 3.7 seconds.
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| 09 Nov 2011 11:25 PM |
| Also, comments welcome, I wan't to see what you guys think of chapter one! |
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likelolz
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| Joined: 14 Jun 2010 |
| Total Posts: 10761 |
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| 09 Nov 2011 11:26 PM |
Please, get out. We don't need another Wanna-Be author.
~Trolololol |
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| 09 Nov 2011 11:30 PM |
| Likelolz, get a life, a real name, and then we will talk, you are just stalking the forum posts of "Roblox Talk" and bringing people's joy down, nice try, but no. |
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| 09 Nov 2011 11:31 PM |
The story flows badly and the formatting is terrible. The events that occur are cliched and are predictable. The story is vague besides the fact that they do shooting. There is no dialogue nor emotion as far as I'm concerned. There is no character development between the members and I'm disturbed by the fact that they don't seem very lifelike.
May I continue? |
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| 09 Nov 2011 11:33 PM |
| Ninja, this is just a pre- copy... |
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| 09 Nov 2011 11:35 PM |
Considering you're posting this already, I'm assuming you didn't bother to review your chapter, nor did you warn us that this was a rough draft.
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| 09 Nov 2011 11:36 PM |
| Have you ever heard, or know the meaning of BETA/ Test run? I guess not. |
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| 09 Nov 2011 11:42 PM |
You're not very nice considering that you welcomed comments about your story.
But I'll continue with the review of the first chapter.
There is no hook to the story. I cannot feel myself being attached to reading the story, so people will get tired from reading. The character names are ridiculous and should be revised. Story flow is flawed to an extent. The story starts as chapter one, as two people are lost from their squadron, which implies that they're either the weakest link, or one of them is the weakest link, but they've been friends in "the academy." Let's not forget the fact that chapter one is considerably short and lacks any further information to let the reader know if they should continue on reading, considering people review the first chapter to see if it's something they'll enjoy. |
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aquin1
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| Joined: 29 Jul 2008 |
| Total Posts: 915 |
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| 09 Nov 2011 11:47 PM |
| Bart just went pwned the thread creator english teacher style... |
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| 09 Nov 2011 11:56 PM |
[Original Story written and made by SharkChampain, please note. EABL is not real, it is just a made up name of mine, for my stories. There will be a limit of two chapters coming out a day, to keep you in suspense When a new chapter comes out, the link will be posted in the comments, and the one before that will be posted here.]
Chapter One: The Beginning of Kurinoum and Cailynini
One foggy, hot, summer day, in a forest, two EABL (Eternal Assault Blockade Legion) lost from their squad members, Hinderin, the squad leader, Kirnalji, the recon, and Warinsty, the medic; they were to two assault class of the squad, in enemy territory. They have now been on foot from 10HundredHours to 13HundredHours, tired and weakened out; they forced themselves to push forward, only at the ages of 15. They are walking in a blank forest, unknowing if there are mines, enemies, or friendlies. They both are carrying a fully automatic AKA47s, suppressed. They move up slowly, checking corner to corner, step after step, using what they were trained for, to survive, and win alone, but they have only been in the force for a week and this was their first mission as cadets! Suddenly, EABL Cadet Kurinoum sees a shadow while moving slowly up; he then gives the sign to hold positions, to female EABL Cadet Cailynani. She stops, gets down, and crawls next to Kurinoum. “What did you see?!?!” “I saw a shadow, we better be careful.” Then, the shadow moves, and gets closer; they do not move a muscle. They hear voices, plains, on how to take out EABL’s main HQ! “Yes, sir, the EABL death plain is awaiting your command.” “Good, I want them gone today, if possible.” “It is possible, sir.” “Good, do it now.” Then, they see the shadow go away. Kurinoum says, “We must get in there, even if we die, two lives is less than 2,000 lives!” “I am with you on that, old buddy, now, we have some work to get done.” “Ok, let us light EABL’s last darkest day of the war!” They each had a Red Dot sight, moved over slowly, carefully, not triggering the enemies’ alert. Finally, they get in positions, and see three guys, each caring M60s (Lightweight Machine gun, 100 Bullet round, close range.) They knew, the enemy was limited to close range. They how so ever, had two times the range, with suppressed weaponry. They all line up, and walk forward, while talking about what to do after this defense, and trash about EABL. “Look, those scum are talking trash about is, can you believe it Cailynani? And we are about to kill them, how funny.” “Yes I can believe it, that is what people low do, it feels good to be able to finally use what I trained for!” Then, the two cadets knew it was time, time to take the shot. They each called who they locked onto, Kurinoum aimed for the guy in the back, Cailynani, aimed for the front troop, they knew, they had to confirm the kill, then quickly take out the middle troop, before he calls for backup, or they would both die. “Cailynani, fire your weapon in…” “3” “2” “1” “Fire!” Kurinoum and Cailynani took their shots the same second, and each fired one bullet at the middle guy, confirming three kills, in under 3.7 seconds. They were ready to move ahead, together, and make it thru, their darkest hour, as cadets.
[Like this one, bart...?]
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| 10 Nov 2011 12:05 AM |
I wanna try writing too!
Chapter One
"It's so hot out!" exclaimed Cailynani, "Why did we get lost from our squadron! It's so humiliating! It's only our first mission and we're already doing bad!" "Well, pouting won't fix anything," I told her, "For now, we'll just need to find them. We'll just need to make sure we don't get side tracked." We walked for a few hours until we realized the error of our ways. If we hadn't gotten lost in the first place, we wouldn't have to deal with fatigue and hunger. I suddenly regretted what I did to deserve this. "Hey, Kurinoum?' asked Cailynani. "What?" I replied in a weary manner. "Do you know where we are?' "Well, not exactly, but it's probably better than staying still to be found by wild animals or enemy soldiers. For now, just make sure your gun is suppressed, we don't want to make too much noise when someone finds us." As we continue walking, we near an open space in the forest. I felt calm when she seemed to walk about nonchalantly. After a while, we both seemed to be tired of carrying this heavy load, but we needed to be aware of our surrounding if we don't want to be ambushed. In the distance, we suddenly hear talking. "Hey, do you hear that?" I told her. "Yeah, it might be them, watch me take them out fro-" "Shh, they might hear us. For now, we just need to listen." They appeared to be talking about things they saw today, until they mentioned a possible infiltration of our main base. I needed to get out of here and report it back! She struggled away from me. "Hey! we can't let them do that!" insisted Cailynani, "we need to take them out!" I considered her suggestion. I knew that we didn't really have any direct communication to our squadron, and we couldn't really take the risk of going back to tell them. "Fine" I said. We used our scopes to carefully view the enemies. They lined up and walked around, possibly looking for anyone watching them. They pondered on about other things, like the destruction of EABL. "Are you ready?" asked Cailynani. "I think." "I'll aim from the one up front." "I'll get the guys out back." In a quick burst of speed, we successfully fired our bullets. The bullets sped through the air, cutting through the atmosphere and hitting the enemies. They fell down to the ground while yelling in pain. We sprinted there as fast as we could and made sure to quiet them down. I felt relieved. "We did it!" exclaimed Cailynani in a cheerful voice, "and in under 3.7 seconds too!" "You were counting?" I was slightly disturbed by her behavior, but I don't mind at all. |
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| 10 Nov 2011 12:08 AM |
OMG guyssss I totally wanna write tooooo!
Once upon a time there was a Roblox user who decided he'd post a grammatically incorrect, overly drawn out, just-plain-wrong story on to the wrong forum. He got banned and utterly mortified for life. The end. |
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