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| 01 Nov 2011 04:06 PM |
| Yeah, it's either poetry or it sounds a bit fractured. I ended up just making a poem. |
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:07 PM |
Give me a sample of your writing. I might be able to help.
Experience: I am writing a book, have seen a proffesional editor, my book has 15235 words and its only about a qaurter way done. |
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:20 PM |
Guess I'll have to write something up on the spot, seeing as that I d..elet.ed it.
M.y e.y.e.s f.l.i.t.t.e.r.i.n.g o.p.e.n a.s i.f t.h.e.y w.e.r.e a h.u.m.m.i.n.g-b.i.rd.s w.i.n.gs. I s.h.i.v.e.r, m.o.a.n.i.n.g i.n d.u.l.l p..a.i.n, d.a.rk.n.e.s.s c.o.v.e.r.i.n.g m.e l.i.k.e a c.o.l.d b.l.a.n.k.e.t, I f.e.l.t n.o.t.h.i.n.g, t.h.o.u.g.h.t nothing... was nothing. Suddenly, I twitch as p.a.i.n courses through my body like a roaring river as life returns to my long dea. d limbs. Feeling my back arching up, throwing my feeble body into the roof of the small space I was lying inside. I hear a dull echo, followed by jolt of p.ain, involuntarily letting my head fall back down to the floor with a thump.
Not very good, best I come up with on short notice. ._.
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:23 PM |
| You just use a ton of similes, which could be considered a good thing. |
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:24 PM |
| Thanks. Back to doing whatever it is that I do. |
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:25 PM |
By the way...
I'm sure you're curious:
The word in your post that was filtered is 'mo@ning'. I don't understand why, but it is. >.< |
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:28 PM |
I dont think it sounded like a poem, maybe... it might be the way you describe everything, here let me rewrite it the way i would.
M.y e.y.e.s f.l.i.t.t.e.r.i.n.g o.p.e.n a.s i.f t.h.e.y w.e.r.e a h.u.m.m.i.n.g-b.i.rd.s w.i.n.gs. I s.h.i.v.e.r, m.o.a.n.i.n.g i.n d.u.l.l p..a.i.n, d.a.rk.n.e.s.s c.o.v.e.r.i.n.g m.e l.i.k.e a c.o.l.d b.l.a.n.k.e.t, I f.e.l.t n.o.t.h.i.n.g, t.h.o.u.g.h.t nothing... was nothing. Suddenly, I twitch as p.a.i.n courses through my body like a roaring river as life returns to my long dea. d limbs. Feeling my back arching up, throwing my feeble body into the roof of the small space I was lying inside. I hear a dull echo, followed by jolt of p.ain, involuntarily letting my head fall back down to the floor with a thump.
My eye.s slow.ly op.en a.s if aft.er a lon.g week.ends sle.ep. I shiv.er, moa.ning in pa.in l.eft to sit for too long, darkness covers me like a cold blanket, covering me from the light. I felt nothing, thought nothing... I am nothing. Suddenly I twit.ch as a jolt of pa.in flys through my body like a cold wind accross my bear arms. I start to breath again as life returns to my long de.ad lim.bs. Feeling my back tense up as it throws my feeble body into the roof of the small space i was laying in. I hear a small echo, followed by a sudden pai.n, Without fighting my head drops back to the ground followed by a load thump.
Just minor ways of changing description can stop the feel of a poem. Did i help any? |
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:29 PM |
It doesn't seem overly poetic. You're coming on very strongly, especially in the beginning, with poetic strategies and LOTS of adjectives. The sentences are also poetry--like, because often in poetry authors use such cut off sentences as in "felt nothing....thought nothing..... wa-s nothing." I think that I would rewrite some of the sentence a little bit more.... OH, I won't be any help. Eveyr writer writes in their own little quirks and ways. I actually liked the sample, but if you dislike poetry, maybe you could let in a little bit more detail of what the characters' surroundings are like, that might take away poeticness. Sorry if I wasn't any help :) |
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:30 PM |
| Oh that's a nice improvment. It isn't poetic at all. :D I obviously type too long XD |
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:31 PM |
| I can't comprehend whether he's using an active or passive voice. .-. |
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:33 PM |
| Me? If so i couldnt really tell either, i think i kept switching inbetween it, which i usually dont do, but considering it wasnt my writing i was trying to decide which tense would be better also. |
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:44 PM |
How about:
Pain urges it's way into my body as my mind clears. Sight returning, I attempt to move, but only feel the same pain, like a force, pushing me back down.
I let out a small mo.an.
Even though knowing the attention moving needs, the urgency to it, I feel nothing but pain. Think nothing but pain.
Suddenly, without my consent, my body jolts upward, attempting to stand. Realizing, suddenly, that I have been without breath, I inhale and begin properly breathing, again.
I regain balance after doing my best to continue standing, and grab my head as all my pain seems to focus there. I stumble forward, eyes Shut tight, tripping on something -I don't know what- and then everything, again, is gone. I am taken back into the darkened black. |
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:46 PM |
| I think it's more of a passive voice... |
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:46 PM |
| Oh, that's good too.... maybe I should try. >:3 |
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Misheard
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| Joined: 23 Sep 2011 |
| Total Posts: 1010 |
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:46 PM |
| Just use a more active voice. You use a lot of figurative language though, but that's really up to style. |
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:52 PM |
M.y e.y.e.s f.l.i.t.t.e.r.i.n.g o.p.e.n a.s i.f t.h.e.y w.e.r.e a h.u.m.m.i.n.g-b.i.rd.s w.i.n.gs. I s.h.i.v.e.r, m.o.a.n.i.n.g i.n d.u.l.l p..a.i.n, d.a.rk.n.e.s.s c.o.v.e.r.i.n.g m.e l.i.k.e a c.o.l.d b.l.a.n.k.e.t, I f.e.l.t n.o.t.h.i.n.g, t.h.o.u.g.h.t nothing... was nothing. Suddenly, I twitch as p.a.i.n courses through my body like a roaring river as life returns to my long dea. d limbs. Feeling my back arching up, throwing my feeble body into the roof of the small space I was lying inside. I hear a dull echo, followed by jolt of p.ain, involuntarily letting my head fall back down to the floor with a thump.
My eyes flitter open, as if they were hummingbirds' wings, sitting on my face. I shiver, m.o.a.n.i.ng in dull yet drastic pain, darkness covering me like a cold blanket. ( I really really liked that simile.) Feel.ing nothing, thinking nothing... I was nothing. Suddenly, pa..in courses through my body, as energy and life returns to my long dea/d limbs. ( I liked that too.) The rest of it I'm not quite understanding, hHow does he (let's name him Joe) feel his back arching up, throwing hi feeble body onto whatever he was lying inside? It's very confusing, here you seem to be writing in second and first person view all at once, or maybe 'm just stupid. Probably, I'm just stupid. Good day, sir. :) |
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:56 PM |
(You didn't really write your own... You just took some stuff outta his... )
(Joe. GoodNameForUnKnownChar.jpg)
(So, this guy -Joe-, is doing WHAT exactly? Arching his back and jumping from roof to roof? What is this, Yoga Parkour?) |
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| 01 Nov 2011 04:59 PM |
| I took it that Joe was in a box buried underground of some sort, he didnt really feel fully awak, almost half paralized, he tried to get up(his back arching) and hit his head off the roof of the box sending him back to the ground unconcious :S |
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| 01 Nov 2011 05:04 PM |
Ok, then maybe this would be better:
I wake in pain to coldness shooting through me. My mind, fogged by the pain that gives no explanation, tells me to stand. I feel trapped, as if people stare at me in all directions. Feeling a need to leave, to run away from where ever I am, I sit up.
Then the pain, seemingly focused, surges directly to my brain and everything fades away. I am taken, again, by the darkened emptiness. |
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| 01 Nov 2011 05:07 PM |
| Oh.... Well, anyway, Joe must be tired of being rewritten. Evil, I didn't want teh completely rewrite it, i just wanted to remove and add a couple things. :p |
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| 01 Nov 2011 05:09 PM |
BLAHARGEN, MAHBRO.
~THIS MEANS NOTHING TO ME. YOU SPEAK IN RIDDLES.~ |
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| 01 Nov 2011 05:10 PM |
Anyways....
No haz help 4 link?
~YOU SPEAK IN RIDDLES.~ |
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| 01 Nov 2011 05:14 PM |
Yes i do, Mr.Evil, yes I DOOOOOOO >:D For the cat ran for the dog who opened the dooor, and told Joe, to get out of the ground , and Joe arched his back and ran out of the box, he jumpe on the cat, the cat yowled, and so... |
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| 01 Nov 2011 05:16 PM |
| And so, te cat ran to the dog, and they baked three cookies, one they shared, one they smashes, and one they gave to Joe, Joe ate it, but it was poisoned *gasp!*, and so Joe spat it out and ran after the dog who barked to the cat and the cat dropped a pot on Joe's head and Joe got up and bit the cat... |
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| 01 Nov 2011 06:12 PM |
Ran away from the dog who had gotten confused after the cat dropped a pot on Joe's head, and now chased the cat because he decided he wanted to, but then joe slipped on the smashed cookie and fell on the dog, who slipped forward and tripped the cat who jump up, claws out, and fell right on Joe's face.
That must've been painful. |
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