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| 24 Oct 2011 08:58 PM |
It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Thatsawesome, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling very displeased, Thatsawesome poked a live hand grenade, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). As if it really mattered she realized that her beloved PDA was missing! Immediately she called her so-called friend, Fastlane250. Thatsawesome had known Fastlane250 for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. Fastlane250 was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Thatsawesome called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Fastlane250 picked up to a very angry Thatsawesome. Fastlane250 calmly assured her that most disease-carrying chipmunks shudder before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually scandalously panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Thatsawesome. Why was Fastlane250 trying to distract Thatsawesome? Because he had snuck out from Thatsawesome's with the PDA only four days prior. It was a striking little PDA... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Thatsawesome got back to the subject at hand: her PDA. Fastlane250 panicked. Relunctantly, Fastlane250 invited her over, assuring her they'd find the PDA. Thatsawesome grabbed her hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Fastlane250 realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the PDA and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if Thatsawesome took the deliciously practical 4-door, he had take at least five minutes before Thatsawesome would get there. But if she took the Green Slime Ghost Pogo? Then Fastlane250 would be scarcely screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Fastlane250 was interrupted by five insensitive IMPs that were lured by his PDA. Fastlane250 turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he fearlessly reached for his live hand grenade and recklessly hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Green Slime Ghost Pogo rolling up. It was Thatsawesome.
----o0o----
As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so she knew she was running late. With a skillful leap, Thatsawesome was out of the Green Slime Ghost Pogo and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Fastlane250's front door. Meanwhile inside, Fastlane250 was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the PDA into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his whale. Fastlane250 was puzzled but at least the PDA was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Fastlane250 earnestly purred. With a hasty push, Thatsawesome opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive flaming idiot in a hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Fastlane250 assured her. Thatsawesome took a seat ridiculously unclose to where Fastlane250 had hidden the PDA. Fastlane250 panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Thatsawesome was distracted. Just as zero people expected Fastlane250 noticed a dimwitted look on Thatsawesome's face. Thatsawesome slowly opened her mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Fastlane250 felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Thatsawesome asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the PDA right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Thatsawesome's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Thatsawesome nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Fastlane250 could react, Thatsawesome carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The PDA was plainly in view.
Thatsawesome stared at Fastlane250 for what what must've been nine minutes. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Fastlane250 groped explosively in Thatsawesome's direction, clearly desperate. Thatsawesome grabbed the PDA and bolted for the door. It was locked. Fastlane250 let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Thatsawesome,' he rebuked. Fastlane250 always had been a little annoying, so Thatsawesome knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Fastlane250 did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Just as zero people expected she gripped her PDA tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Fastlane250 looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Thatsawesome. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Thatsawesome. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Fastlane250 walked over to the window and looked down. Thatsawesome was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Thatsawesome was struggling to make her way through the haunted thicket behind Fastlane250's place. Thatsawesome had severely hurt her love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral IMPs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the PDA. One by one they latched on to Thatsawesome. Already weakened from her injury, Thatsawesome yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of IMPs running off with her PDA.
About eight hours later, Thatsawesome awoke, her love handle throbbing. It was dark and Thatsawesome did not know where she was. Deep in the lonely bush, Thatsawesome was really lost. A few unsatisfying minutes later, she remembered that her PDA was taken by the IMPs. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That's when, to her horror, a huge IMP emerged from the imaginery desert. It was the alpha IMP. Thatsawesome opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the IMP sunk its teeth into Thatsawesome's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Thatsawesome's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure.
Less than ten miles away, Fastlane250 was entombed by anguish over the loss of the PDA. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened potato. With a inept thrust, he buried it deeply into his shin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Thatsawesome... wishing he had found the courage to tell her that he loved her. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the PDA that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant IMPs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
| If you could see it, then you'd understand | |
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| 24 Oct 2011 08:59 PM |
All I read was About eight hours later, Thatsawesome awoke, her love handle throbbing and laughed |
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| 24 Oct 2011 09:00 PM |
| I was thinkin it was a bonus |
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cierra
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| Joined: 20 Sep 2006 |
| Total Posts: 2255 |
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| 24 Oct 2011 09:01 PM |
| bro. you have way too much time. |
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| 24 Oct 2011 09:04 PM |
The two best paragraphs. "Thatsawesome stared at Fastlane250 for what what must've been nine minutes. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Fastlane250 groped explosively in Thatsawesome's direction, clearly desperate. Thatsawesome grabbed the PDA and bolted for the door. It was locked. Fastlane250 let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Thatsawesome,' he rebuked. Fastlane250 always had been a little annoying, so Thatsawesome knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Fastlane250 did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Just as zero people expected she gripped her PDA tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels."
"About eight hours later, Thatsawesome awoke, her love handle throbbing. It was dark and Thatsawesome did not know where she was. Deep in the lonely bush, Thatsawesome was really lost. A few unsatisfying minutes later, she remembered that her PDA was taken by the IMPs. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That's when, to her horror, a huge IMP emerged from the imaginery desert. It was the alpha IMP. Thatsawesome opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the IMP sunk its teeth into Thatsawesome's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Thatsawesome's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure."
| If you could see it, then you'd understand | |
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| 24 Oct 2011 09:10 PM |
I read it all.
Pretty good story, actually. |
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| 24 Oct 2011 09:15 PM |
bawmp
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| 24 Oct 2011 09:16 PM |
That's stupid.
You're stupid. |
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syfyguy64
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| Joined: 29 Jul 2011 |
| Total Posts: 5613 |
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