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Re: Can someone review my book so far please

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skyarex is not online. skyarex
Joined: 21 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 12989
11 Oct 2011 02:37 PM
I am making a book called "Alien mutation: Unknown world" and basically it is about after the Earth has survived constant nuclear and biological warfare, the human race is forced to seek refuge in a space station orbiting the planet. We are followed into Davids world, a space marine who's job it is to roam the surface of the earth, well, most of it. Additionally, a girl called Alace(who was born hundreds of years before) records her life and it explains how things are the way they are in this story.

Chapter 1: Diary one

Recorded on the 27th December 2231

Dear diary
Alice here! I am in my bed whilst writing this; my mum suggested I should do something “constructive” so I decided I should write what I did today. I don’t agree with her, seeing as how I am rubbish at English and this is all I can do. So here goes. Today on the news there was a warning for an air raid targeted at our town. I was a bit scared but air raid sirens always go off where I am and it just gets me upset for nothing. I hate when they go off. They make a lot of noise and people start to panic. One time an air raid went on for so long that they had to close all public places encase we got bombed. I had to hide in a bomb shelter for hours. We are in bad times here in England. I hope that another war won’t start. We can’t win this one. I know we can’t. Our power has drastically decreased over the years. It is as if England is now practically useless against places like Korea and the US. But I know in my heart we CAN’T lose, I mean if we do, we would lose everything. Hope for a better future would be gone. Our homes, lives, our world would never be the same. I can’t let that happen. I can’t let war break out...











Chapter 2: Awakening

Davids stared blankly down into the almost unrecognisable planet directly below him. He lay awake in his cabin room in the station as feeling of anticipation circled around his stomach. He just lay there, silently lying in his bed behind the safety of his cabin; staring into the black dark abyss that is space. He saw a huge dominant body rise up behind the earth, sending shivers down his spine. It shone brightly and the light from it reflected into his room. And he was viewing all of this from a tiny piece of glass paving in the centre of his room. From left of the glass floor stood a table. It was full of old newspapers and documents, the most recent one being from the 22nd century. If Davids was anything, he was a man keen on his past. He is a man who wants to find out every bit of detail about anything before being totally satisfied with himself. Yet oddly enough, he refused to touch any newspapers that had a great deal of information on them. If he thought that there was information in one, he would just rip the article from the paper and stuffed it into an old drawer under the table. He only tends to read what junk was in the drawer if he thought that the situation required him to.

He was thinking about the mission in the morning; that is why he is finding it difficult to sleep. His mind was full of questions and yet there were so little answers. He does know a great deal about Earth however he has never actually been there. Rarely anyone has. The only people who have ever been to Earth have been scientists. So it is only natural for Davids to be slightly nervous for the voyage.
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skyarex is not online. skyarex
Joined: 21 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 12989
11 Oct 2011 02:40 PM
..Please?
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Legendofme is not online. Legendofme
Joined: 20 Oct 2007
Total Posts: 6388
11 Oct 2011 02:40 PM
I didn't enjoy it.
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skyarex is not online. skyarex
Joined: 21 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 12989
11 Oct 2011 02:41 PM
@leg, what was wrong with it?
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orangegreenblue is not online. orangegreenblue
Joined: 04 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 10906
11 Oct 2011 02:42 PM
tl;dr/10

-orangegreenblue the Lua noob
Nope.RBXLua
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GAT0RADE is not online. GAT0RADE
Joined: 19 Apr 2011
Total Posts: 3203
11 Oct 2011 02:42 PM
I think you should make the date further in to the future.
._.
Yeah.
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skyarex is not online. skyarex
Joined: 21 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 12989
11 Oct 2011 02:43 PM
@Ga, anything else?
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skyarex is not online. skyarex
Joined: 21 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 12989
11 Oct 2011 02:59 PM
bump, anymore?
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DiamondDragonair is not online. DiamondDragonair
Joined: 04 May 2011
Total Posts: 15339
11 Oct 2011 03:01 PM
Its perfectly fine its like the books a read at school were theres a person wring i diary or journal i like it and people who dont like it SHAME SHAME SHAME
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Anarchy5111 is not online. Anarchy5111
Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 10002
11 Oct 2011 03:03 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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DiamondDragonair is not online. DiamondDragonair
Joined: 04 May 2011
Total Posts: 15339
11 Oct 2011 03:06 PM
Hmmm can you update the story further because i want to see what happends
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DiamondDragonair is not online. DiamondDragonair
Joined: 04 May 2011
Total Posts: 15339
11 Oct 2011 03:08 PM
I'm reading this while im doing my homework
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bighugecalebtbo is not online. bighugecalebtbo
Joined: 26 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 272
11 Oct 2011 03:09 PM
I would be interested in buying it.
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hambert is not online. hambert
Joined: 23 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 10067
11 Oct 2011 03:10 PM
the worst thing i have ever read
burn it
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DiamondDragonair is not online. DiamondDragonair
Joined: 04 May 2011
Total Posts: 15339
11 Oct 2011 03:10 PM
Yeah i would like to buy it if i had enouh money maybe you could sell it at like target or a book store
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DiamondDragonair is not online. DiamondDragonair
Joined: 04 May 2011
Total Posts: 15339
11 Oct 2011 03:15 PM
Ham you fail
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skyarex is not online. skyarex
Joined: 21 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 12989
11 Oct 2011 03:19 PM
Oh, thanks for your positive feedback!
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Effusive is not online. Effusive
Joined: 28 Apr 2011
Total Posts: 854
11 Oct 2011 03:24 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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DiamondDragonair is not online. DiamondDragonair
Joined: 04 May 2011
Total Posts: 15339
11 Oct 2011 03:24 PM
You're welcome its a good start just some people dont understand books and well alot of people here usally say negative stuff so you could feel like its bad but the truth is that its goood
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DiamondDragonair is not online. DiamondDragonair
Joined: 04 May 2011
Total Posts: 15339
11 Oct 2011 03:26 PM
Well i like alot of alien books and history books so i rate this 8 out of ten and to me thats really good
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skyarex is not online. skyarex
Joined: 21 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 12989
12 Oct 2011 10:09 AM
Bump
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LifeIsUnfair is not online. LifeIsUnfair
Joined: 07 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 4487
12 Oct 2011 10:12 AM
[ Content Deleted ]
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skyarex is not online. skyarex
Joined: 21 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 12989
12 Oct 2011 10:13 AM
@life, Thank you for your feedback.
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Jayfeather19 is not online. Jayfeather19
Joined: 26 May 2010
Total Posts: 6759
12 Oct 2011 10:14 AM
Try to increase chapter sizes. I wasn't a huge fan, considering it took me a short time to read 2 chapters.
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LifeIsUnfair is not online. LifeIsUnfair
Joined: 07 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 4487
12 Oct 2011 10:18 AM
[ Content Deleted ]
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