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Re: What do you think of my writing?

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swordtrainee06013 is not online. swordtrainee06013
Joined: 21 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 508
03 Oct 2011 07:49 PM
It was a warm and windy fall day when I rode my bike into the fence. It all started when I was with my friend in my backyard. The horror started when I was racing my friend around my backyard. I had JUST stopped for a rabbit to pass when my ignorant friend ran into me. I then proceeded with momentum and hit the rabbit. The rabbit was okay, but my emotional state of mind was not. Later that day my genius friend and I had decided to play Chicken with a fence. So, we went to the top of my downhill backyard, and flew as fast as we could toward the fence. He hit first then got out of the way so as for me to take my turn. Being the smart nine year old I am I hit the fence in the exact same place as he had. My momentum was evidently so much, that it carried me into, and through the fence. Then, I hit my neighbor’s fence. That fence held, but it hurt me very badly. I came away from the dangerous encounter with 22 XP and 45 GOLD.

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swordtrainee06013 is not online. swordtrainee06013
Joined: 21 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 508
03 Oct 2011 07:49 PM
P.S.
i actually turned this into a teacher.

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swordtrainee06013 is not online. swordtrainee06013
Joined: 21 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 508
03 Oct 2011 07:51 PM
BUMP

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SuperBlockMan64 is not online. SuperBlockMan64
Joined: 13 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 3183
03 Oct 2011 07:53 PM
Ah, I think this is very descriptive, and has good points, like a good passage should.

5/5
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swordtrainee06013 is not online. swordtrainee06013
Joined: 21 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 508
03 Oct 2011 07:53 PM
bmp

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swordtrainee06013 is not online. swordtrainee06013
Joined: 21 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 508
03 Oct 2011 07:54 PM
Thank you. How did you like the ending?

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ConverseGirl121 is not online. ConverseGirl121
Joined: 23 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 7338
03 Oct 2011 07:55 PM
I like how you stopped at a certain point.I love when authors do that.It always grasps the reader's attention.If you have more, please do share.
-ConverseGirl121 :)
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swordtrainee06013 is not online. swordtrainee06013
Joined: 21 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 508
03 Oct 2011 07:59 PM
Well, I wrote a few page essay. But I turned in the summary. Like this.

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koolaid007 is not online. koolaid007
Joined: 16 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 3768
03 Oct 2011 08:01 PM
YOU PLAYED CHICKEN WITH A FENCE AND WON.....

+25 RESPECT
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LLegomman is not online. LLegomman
Joined: 07 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 2522
03 Oct 2011 08:07 PM
You should have explained what Chicken was. I don't know what it is, overall nice paper.
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F1REC4K3 is not online. F1REC4K3
Joined: 06 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 231
03 Oct 2011 08:08 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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GAT0RADE is not online. GAT0RADE
Joined: 19 Apr 2011
Total Posts: 3203
03 Oct 2011 08:10 PM
It's very descriptive, which is good.
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qwazola is not online. qwazola
Joined: 23 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 27279
03 Oct 2011 08:12 PM
Epic. Except the last sentence... :/
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swordtrainee06013 is not online. swordtrainee06013
Joined: 21 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 508
03 Oct 2011 08:17 PM
qwaz
i dislike the teacher. He is addicted to RP games. So he got what I was saying. I will type the other paper I turned in. That was my joke paper.




Memoir
It was a warm and windy fall day when I rode my bike into the fence. It all started when I was with my friend in my backyard. The horror started when I was racing my friend around my backyard. I had JUST stopped for a rabbit to pass when my ignorant friend ran into me. I then proceeded with momentum and hit the rabbit. The rabbit was okay, but my emotional state of mind was not. Later that day my genius friend and I had decided to play Chicken with a fence. So, we went to the top of my downhill backyard, and flew as fast as we could toward the fence. He hit first then got out of the way so as for me to take my turn. Being the smart nine year old I am I thought about all of my options. If I wussed out, I would lose a massive amount of respect earned. So I decided to go. I hit the fence in the exact same place as he had. My momentum was evidently so much, that it carried me into, and through the fence. Then, I hit my neighbor’s fence. That fence held, but it hurt me very badly. I came away from the dangerous encounter with a missing tooth, a broken finger, a broken helmet, a broken fence, a destroyed bike, and the amazing title of reckless.


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qwazola is not online. qwazola
Joined: 23 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 27279
03 Oct 2011 08:19 PM
You have an RPng teacher? Lul, I had a teacher that played reach.
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swordtrainee06013 is not online. swordtrainee06013
Joined: 21 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 508
03 Oct 2011 08:25 PM
Yes I do. He is very addicted. So I was chiding him.

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qwazola is not online. qwazola
Joined: 23 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 27279
03 Oct 2011 08:26 PM
You should probably use the first paper then.
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swordtrainee06013 is not online. swordtrainee06013
Joined: 21 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 508
03 Oct 2011 08:27 PM
I turned them both in. The thing is that is funny, I got a better grade on the first paper. Do you think he got my joke?

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lolcoolboy987 is not online. lolcoolboy987
Joined: 01 May 2010
Total Posts: 1629
03 Oct 2011 08:28 PM
So, it's about you hurting a poor rabbit, and acting stupid and hitting fences.
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iornfence is not online. iornfence
Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 7305
03 Oct 2011 08:30 PM
8.5 out of 10. The sentences seemed a bit boring and loosely linked. colorful description though.
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qwazola is not online. qwazola
Joined: 23 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 27279
03 Oct 2011 08:30 PM
I'm sure he did. :P Teachers like it when your papers relate to them. I wrote one about skiing resort, and when I got it back she had written a note saying that she loved the ski resort that I wrote about and went there every year.
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Mario620 is not online. Mario620
Joined: 25 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 10517
03 Oct 2011 08:30 PM
tl;dr
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swordtrainee06013 is not online. swordtrainee06013
Joined: 21 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 508
03 Oct 2011 08:39 PM
@coolboy
Yes. Pretty much.

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