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Re: Snow Rift (story)

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macaw5 is not online. macaw5
Joined: 02 May 2008
Total Posts: 8666
20 Sep 2011 09:58 PM
I stumbled through the snow. I could barely see 5 feet in front of me. My energy pack is about to run out. Then I'll die. I brought a hand behind me, heavily layered in coating. A large glass canister was felt. only a small puddle of some warm blue substance remained in the large container. The mountain was almost scaled. If I could get to the top... I fiddled with my rusted old gun strapped to my waist. It was designed to pierce armor, it fired blue bolts of plasma. unfortunately, that's also the stuff to heat me. only a few hours left. That firefight is what did me in. Of all things, my squad found an entire nest of 'em. The worst thing is, my base doesn't even know. They'll just think we died. Well, almost all of my patrol is. I hope Greg is okay... It's not the first time he survived a fight. one leg is entirely made of metal. doesn't need heating for it. Saves him some of his canister... Why is it so steep? I slipped out a grappling hook, it's on an old, shabby rope. I tossed it as far as I could upwards. My strength was so low. The cold is getting to me. I have to push on. I pulled on it, it's locked in place. I can walk. I placed one foot on the wall, then another, and another, repeating over and over. Finally, I'll make it. Man, I hope Sandra is OK too... I reached the top. No... Nothing. I thought, I thought I'd find the base from here. The snow is letting up a bit. It's pointless. Nothing is nearby. I fell over, on my hands and knees. So, this is death huh? I thought it would be quicker. hurry up already. Heh, why am I rushing? Nothing special. Just another soldier. I started slipping, like I as about to sleep. No. Light. I see it, in the distance. Something. It's closing in. I stumbled back to my feet, practically a zombie, heading deep into hypothermia about now. my plasma got damaged during the fight I guess, it leaked out and I didn't even notice. I fell down, rolled down the hill. If I could have felt it, it would have hurt. I got up. Must push on. The familiar sound of a motor greeted me. I could hear it, faintly, but I heard it. I shuffled around in my bag. Yes, I still have one. I took out a small black rod, and flicked the top off. A flare shot out, going upwards, and burst like a small sun, the vehicle slowed, and swerved my way. It came into view. It beared the distinctive red and white insignia of my faction. A soldier hopped out, rifle pointed at me. "State your name and authorization." "David Kore. Squad-7A2. We.... We found a hive. If there is a we anymore. Almost all of us, wiped out.... I lost track of days..." "David Kore?" "Yes.... yes." "You've been MIA for 2 weeks." I stared. 2 weeks? Has it really been that long since the battle? It only feels like a day.... "P-Please... Just let me get warm... I'm freezing, out of plasma, and... I need to find out if the others are alive." "Get in sir." He said. Grabbing my arm. He put me in a back seat, a glass dome slid over the top when we all were inside. I already felt my arms again. First feeling, pain, and stiffness. A lot of stiffness.


This is a story, but feel free to spurt comments, ideas, suggestions, criticism, or anything of the sort. Please be constructive, and if you have a problem, feel free to state it.
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macaw5 is not online. macaw5
Joined: 02 May 2008
Total Posts: 8666
21 Sep 2011 01:47 PM
I will continue to add to this story through the days and such.
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SuperGogeta101 is not online. SuperGogeta101
Joined: 26 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 8364
21 Sep 2011 02:20 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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macaw5 is not online. macaw5
Joined: 02 May 2008
Total Posts: 8666
21 Sep 2011 03:29 PM
Ok, one comment. not much to it, but its a comment.
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Modulo is not online. Modulo
Joined: 13 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 1034
21 Sep 2011 03:34 PM
It's a good story, you just need to do more Paragraph spacing, for the pauses.
It helps people who can't read it all in one go.
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macaw5 is not online. macaw5
Joined: 02 May 2008
Total Posts: 8666
21 Sep 2011 03:49 PM
I see what you mean. I'll change that in my next addition.
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Modulo is not online. Modulo
Joined: 13 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 1034
21 Sep 2011 03:52 PM
That's really the only thing I found that was wrong, otherwise it is pretty good.
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FireoftheNova is not online. FireoftheNova
Joined: 30 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 5973
21 Sep 2011 04:02 PM
Inspired by Lost Planet, I Presume?
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macaw5 is not online. macaw5
Joined: 02 May 2008
Total Posts: 8666
21 Sep 2011 04:56 PM
Might as well get that going then.

I leaned across the two back seats. My limbs were in extensive pain. "So, 2 weeks huh?" "Yes mister Kore. I'm looking up our databases for soldiers in Squad-7A2 seems that 5 came back." "Sweet god..." "What sir?" "There were 36 people other than me in that squad." The soldier in front of me stopped. He looked down in shock. The driver spoke. "36?" "Y-yes..." "Good lord..." silence lasted for a while "So.... what are you two doing?" "We're patrolling for any signs of enemy faction construction, or to exterminate any of the pests." "And, do you by any chance have the names of these Survivors?" "Yes, There' a Steven Frost..." I thought about him. always reckless. how did he survive, of all people... "A Helen Frost" His older sister survived too. She's much more cool headed. No wonder she survived. very quiet. "another person, named Gregory Marshall." Heh, the old coot survived. He always had a knack for doing that. He probably has a new scar for this battle too. "Charles Nexton" Charles. Always the overachiever. he had the best shot. wonder if he's ok. always was a softie. he hid it well though.
"Looks like Charles here has an injury." Wait, what? "An entire hand missing. replaced with machine. seems that he likes it. shoots even faster and more accurate." Just like him. always for efficiency. Part mechanical, might have to call him Greg junior. "One more person left." I hope she's ok... "Sandra Melody." Great. she's alive. Amazing. "Unhurt?" "Yes. all but Charles and Gregory." "What happened to Gregory?" "He lost an eye. the guy has a metal eye now. Seems to have better capabilities than a regular one, magnification, X-ray, it can even be taken out at will." Well, one more thing keeping him alive. He's already half machine. one arm was shattered under a falling pillar in a hive a few years back, entire things bones were replaced with steel. The guy's practically a living tank. even at 67. Crazy.
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macaw5 is not online. macaw5
Joined: 02 May 2008
Total Posts: 8666
21 Sep 2011 04:56 PM
By the way, not inspired by anything other than my imagination.
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FireoftheNova is not online. FireoftheNova
Joined: 30 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 5973
21 Sep 2011 05:00 PM
In some ways it seems like Lost planet.
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shinyfrogman is not online. shinyfrogman
Joined: 24 Mar 2009
Total Posts: 22669
21 Sep 2011 05:02 PM
Its Awesome. Totally should be a R.P
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macaw5 is not online. macaw5
Joined: 02 May 2008
Total Posts: 8666
21 Sep 2011 05:05 PM
Well, my RPs are all running dry the moment a day passes. hardly any start.
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shinyfrogman is not online. shinyfrogman
Joined: 24 Mar 2009
Total Posts: 22669
21 Sep 2011 05:09 PM
Oh :/

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macaw5 is not online. macaw5
Joined: 02 May 2008
Total Posts: 8666
21 Sep 2011 06:53 PM
Nah, don't feel bad. that's just negative productivity.
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KoopaBowser is not online. KoopaBowser
Joined: 26 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 7433
21 Sep 2011 07:01 PM
Ill rad . I'm to busy now.
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macaw5 is not online. macaw5
Joined: 02 May 2008
Total Posts: 8666
22 Sep 2011 05:39 PM
I sat back into the chair. So many died. 31 people. I was recollecting my thoughts as one soldier said "We made it to snow rift." I looked up, and out the window. the base had an odd majesty to it. The tall metal sentry towers seemed like pillars that were there since the beginning of time. The base itself is enormous, slightly 1/4 as tall than the sentries, which easily were half a mile tall. It spread miles across, with several buildings. Major battles were even fought inside the walls of the base. people were lost in its halls and never came out. Currently, my faction occupies the whole base. This base was here before humans even knew here existed. that's why we call it snow rift. It's snowy, and shouldn't be here. Plus we have that big infestation. The snowstorm still rages, but my hypothermia seems to be less intense. A little warmer in this jeep. The sky was covered in clouds, when it doesn't snow it's a clear blue. much nicer than this dull grey cover at the time. I adjusted my helmet. it had the white circle with the green star that was the symbol of my faction on it. Three factions are in this war. Three, and the beasts of the snow. Not to mind them though, they were mostly territorial. of course this entire snowy wasteland is their territory, and that's a big problem. the rest of my squad is probably inside the medical wing. since most died, we're going to get a new flood of privates. Perfect, just what we need, training.
We made it to the gate. It was large, very large. The bolts could be compared to humans in size. It opened because of energy signature recognition. The jeep drove in and pulled over into a line of other jeeps. The glass case folded back. People in armor were swarming the HUB. constantly tanks, jeeps, and other intriguing vehicles commonly came in and out. The soldiers that drove me here took me out, I was still wobbly from almost freezing to death. going through halls, people looked at me oddly, mainly my energy canister. It was badly cracked, but only a hole was at the bottom. no plasma was in it. my armor had gashes along the sides, the front, and one particularly large scratch was right across the insignia on my helmet. at an odd angle. my weapons were badly rusted. meanwhile everyone else had clean, freshly buffed armor, with only a few minor scratches. Their weapons were all clean and new as well. I lost my main rifle in that fight, cut clean in half. You know, with all the snow, and the blue sky without clouds, you can hardly tell that anything survives here.
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jerichoblox is not online. jerichoblox
Joined: 19 Apr 2008
Total Posts: 7642
22 Sep 2011 05:46 PM
It's very choppy. You could probably connect some of the sentences, especially the shorter ones, but the story itself is outstanding.
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macaw5 is not online. macaw5
Joined: 02 May 2008
Total Posts: 8666
22 Sep 2011 05:48 PM
I tend to have unnecessary chopping. it's a problem.
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jerichoblox is not online. jerichoblox
Joined: 19 Apr 2008
Total Posts: 7642
22 Sep 2011 05:50 PM
It's not a major issues, just a subconscious thing that can be fixed.
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macaw5 is not online. macaw5
Joined: 02 May 2008
Total Posts: 8666
22 Sep 2011 05:51 PM
Yeah, easily fixed.
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macaw5 is not online. macaw5
Joined: 02 May 2008
Total Posts: 8666
22 Sep 2011 08:31 PM
Well, this is gonna be fun to write.
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macaw5 is not online. macaw5
Joined: 02 May 2008
Total Posts: 8666
23 Sep 2011 08:34 PM
(le insert whistling)
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Ilovedogs2 is not online. Ilovedogs2
Top 25 Poster
Joined: 18 Apr 2009
Total Posts: 39592
23 Sep 2011 08:37 PM
i find this fun to read. (though I'm a girl but who cares?) Anyways, keep up the good work!
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wapple8 is not online. wapple8
Joined: 19 Dec 2008
Total Posts: 824
23 Sep 2011 09:28 PM
I would troll this, but I can't find anything to troll about.
Good job on this, I've been needing something good to read during my free time.
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