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Re: Creepypasta (Repost)

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Wander221 is not online. Wander221
Joined: 06 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 12081
20 Aug 2011 01:21 PM
I couldn't find the original thread I posted for this, so...
____________________________________________

"Grandma! Do we have to clean out your attic today?"
"Yes! I've been planning to get to it. And you're mother kindly suggested your help."

My grandmother slowly walked down the hall and pulled the attic door down, the creaky wooden ladder following. She motioned me to go up first, so I did. She went after.

"So, how's school, dear?"
"It's been going great, thanks for asking."

She smiled her signature smile and closed the attic door. She looked at me and said,"You go that way and I'll stay in this area." She pointed in a direction.

I nodded, and walked over to where she pointed. Suddenly, my phone rang. I took it out of my pocket and answered. It was my mom.

"Sweetie, where are you?" she said in a concerned voice.
"I'm at grandma's, we're cleaning her attic. She said you suggested my help."
"No I didn't!" my mother said. "Come home NOW!"
"Okay?" I hung up and put my phone back in my pocket.

"Dear, who was that?" I heard grandma's voice.
"It was my mom, she said I have to go home."
"No, you must stay!"
"Sorry, grandma."
"I said STAY."

The lights flickered then went out.

"Grandma? Hello? What's going on?!" I yelled.
"I missed you." said a faint voice.

I felt breathing on my neck.
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L0LLYP0P is not online. L0LLYP0P
Joined: 29 Jul 2009
Total Posts: 995
20 Aug 2011 01:22 PM
o_o
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Wander221 is not online. Wander221
Joined: 06 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 12081
20 Aug 2011 01:24 PM
>o_o

is that good??
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iiMadPotato is not online. iiMadPotato
Joined: 07 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 26249
20 Aug 2011 01:25 PM
"is that good??"

i think he's dead ma'am
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Wander221 is not online. Wander221
Joined: 06 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 12081
20 Aug 2011 01:26 PM
>i think he's dead ma'am

aw man

that's the second time someone has died because of one of my threads :(
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Wander221 is not online. Wander221
Joined: 06 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 12081
20 Aug 2011 01:28 PM
bump
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Vunro is not online. Vunro
Joined: 24 Oct 2009
Total Posts: 18204
20 Aug 2011 01:32 PM
this is more like a short story than a creepypasta

even my sister didnt get scared

and she's like 7
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Wander221 is not online. Wander221
Joined: 06 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 12081
20 Aug 2011 01:33 PM
bump againnnn.
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Wander221 is not online. Wander221
Joined: 06 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 12081
20 Aug 2011 01:33 PM
.this is more like a short story than a creepypasta

even my sister didnt get scared

and she's like 7

Hun, that's why it's called a creepypasta. To give you chills, not to scare you completely.
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shadow97 is not online. shadow97
Joined: 03 Sep 2007
Total Posts: 42693
20 Aug 2011 01:35 PM
I feel awkward.
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Wander221 is not online. Wander221
Joined: 06 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 12081
20 Aug 2011 01:37 PM
>I feel awkward.


okay then...
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iiMadPotato is not online. iiMadPotato
Joined: 07 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 26249
20 Aug 2011 01:38 PM
add a paragraph after the lights go out that has the girl try to escape and describe her fear as it begins to grow, then have her stop suddenly and call out for help like she does in what you wrote first
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Wander221 is not online. Wander221
Joined: 06 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 12081
20 Aug 2011 01:38 PM
>add a paragraph after the lights go out that has the girl try to escape and describe her fear as it begins to grow, then have her stop suddenly and call out for help like she does in what you wrote first

I'll try.
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Thunderheart36 is not online. Thunderheart36
Joined: 26 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 1370
20 Aug 2011 01:40 PM
Haha, creepy xD
Good job.
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Wander221 is not online. Wander221
Joined: 06 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 12081
20 Aug 2011 01:44 PM
"Grandma! Do we have to clean out your attic today?"
"Yes! I've been planning to get to it. And you're mother kindly suggested your help."

My grandmother slowly walked down the hall and pulled the attic door down, the creaky wooden ladder following. She motioned me to go up first, so I did. She went after.

"So, how's school, dear?"
"It's been going great, thanks for asking."

She smiled her signature smile and closed the attic door. She looked at me and said,"You go that way and I'll stay in this area." She pointed in a direction.

I nodded, and walked over to where she pointed. Suddenly, my phone rang. I took it out of my pocket and answered. It was my mom.

"Sweetie, where are you?" she said in a concerned voice.
"I'm at grandma's, we're cleaning her attic. She said you suggested my help."
"No I didn't!" my mother said. "Come home NOW!"
"Okay?" I hung up and put my phone back in my pocket.

"Dear, who was that?" I heard grandma's voice.
"It was my mom, she said I have to go home."
"No, you must stay!"
"Sorry, grandma."
"I said STAY."

The lights flickered then went out.

"Grandma? Hello? What's going on?!" I yelled. "GRNADMA? WHERE ARE YOU? GRNADMA! HELP!"
"I missed you." said a faint voice.

Creaking followed...slowly getting louder and louder every second. I tried to find my phone to use it as a light source.

But it wasn't in my pocket. My heart was beating as fast as a race horse just about to cross the finish line. Thoughts were racing in my head about what was going on.

Then I felt breathing on my neck. And a light voice spoke...

"I've been waiting such a long time for this opportunity..."
____________________________________________________

Fail attempt...
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Wander221 is not online. Wander221
Joined: 06 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 12081
20 Aug 2011 01:45 PM
>Good job.

Thanks :)

Means a lot to me, since I'm hoping to take my writing career farther.
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Thunderheart36 is not online. Thunderheart36
Joined: 26 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 1370
20 Aug 2011 01:47 PM
And you definately will! c:
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jetthehawk is not online. jetthehawk
Joined: 17 Mar 2008
Total Posts: 5529
20 Aug 2011 01:48 PM
This isn't scary. I've seen scarier stuff than this. This is like, a Pre-K horror story.
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Wander221 is not online. Wander221
Joined: 06 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 12081
20 Aug 2011 01:49 PM
>And you definately will! c:

Aw thanks for your support :D
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iiMadPotato is not online. iiMadPotato
Joined: 07 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 26249
20 Aug 2011 01:52 PM
Hey I like the edit :)



buuuuuut...

Could you remove or swap the simile?
Because similes tend to take the reader out of the scene and put them somewhere else, I don't know about you, but I don't find the races scary.

(also, who is "GRNADMA"?)
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Wander221 is not online. Wander221
Joined: 06 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 12081
20 Aug 2011 02:48 PM
>Could you remove or swap the simile?
Because similes tend to take the reader out of the scene and put them somewhere else, I don't know about you, but I don't find the races scary.

(also, who is "GRNADMA"?)

GRNADMA was a typo.

And the simile shows how fast the heart was beating, in this case, as fast as a race horse.
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iiMadPotato is not online. iiMadPotato
Joined: 07 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 26249
20 Aug 2011 03:00 PM
but then that takes the reader out of the dark attic and into a racetrack, full of happy cheering crowds, just for a second
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Wander221 is not online. Wander221
Joined: 06 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 12081
20 Aug 2011 03:03 PM
>but then that takes the reader out of the dark attic and into a racetrack, full of happy cheering crowds, just for a second

no it doesn't ._.
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iiMadPotato is not online. iiMadPotato
Joined: 07 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 26249
20 Aug 2011 03:08 PM
asyfgequobdfkdjg


fine
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Wander221 is not online. Wander221
Joined: 06 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 12081
20 Aug 2011 03:09 PM
>asyfgequobdfkdjg


fine

...

at least for me it doesn't
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