Wander221
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| Joined: 06 Aug 2010 |
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| 20 Aug 2011 01:21 PM |
I couldn't find the original thread I posted for this, so... ____________________________________________
"Grandma! Do we have to clean out your attic today?" "Yes! I've been planning to get to it. And you're mother kindly suggested your help."
My grandmother slowly walked down the hall and pulled the attic door down, the creaky wooden ladder following. She motioned me to go up first, so I did. She went after.
"So, how's school, dear?" "It's been going great, thanks for asking."
She smiled her signature smile and closed the attic door. She looked at me and said,"You go that way and I'll stay in this area." She pointed in a direction.
I nodded, and walked over to where she pointed. Suddenly, my phone rang. I took it out of my pocket and answered. It was my mom.
"Sweetie, where are you?" she said in a concerned voice. "I'm at grandma's, we're cleaning her attic. She said you suggested my help." "No I didn't!" my mother said. "Come home NOW!" "Okay?" I hung up and put my phone back in my pocket.
"Dear, who was that?" I heard grandma's voice. "It was my mom, she said I have to go home." "No, you must stay!" "Sorry, grandma." "I said STAY."
The lights flickered then went out.
"Grandma? Hello? What's going on?!" I yelled. "I missed you." said a faint voice.
I felt breathing on my neck. |
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L0LLYP0P
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Wander221
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| Joined: 06 Aug 2010 |
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| 20 Aug 2011 01:25 PM |
"is that good??"
i think he's dead ma'am |
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Wander221
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| 20 Aug 2011 01:26 PM |
>i think he's dead ma'am
aw man
that's the second time someone has died because of one of my threads :( |
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Wander221
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Vunro
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| 20 Aug 2011 01:32 PM |
this is more like a short story than a creepypasta
even my sister didnt get scared
and she's like 7 |
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Wander221
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Wander221
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| 20 Aug 2011 01:33 PM |
.this is more like a short story than a creepypasta
even my sister didnt get scared
and she's like 7
Hun, that's why it's called a creepypasta. To give you chills, not to scare you completely. |
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shadow97
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Wander221
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| 20 Aug 2011 01:37 PM |
>I feel awkward.
okay then... |
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| 20 Aug 2011 01:38 PM |
| add a paragraph after the lights go out that has the girl try to escape and describe her fear as it begins to grow, then have her stop suddenly and call out for help like she does in what you wrote first |
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Wander221
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| 20 Aug 2011 01:38 PM |
>add a paragraph after the lights go out that has the girl try to escape and describe her fear as it begins to grow, then have her stop suddenly and call out for help like she does in what you wrote first I'll try. |
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Wander221
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| 20 Aug 2011 01:44 PM |
"Grandma! Do we have to clean out your attic today?" "Yes! I've been planning to get to it. And you're mother kindly suggested your help."
My grandmother slowly walked down the hall and pulled the attic door down, the creaky wooden ladder following. She motioned me to go up first, so I did. She went after.
"So, how's school, dear?" "It's been going great, thanks for asking."
She smiled her signature smile and closed the attic door. She looked at me and said,"You go that way and I'll stay in this area." She pointed in a direction.
I nodded, and walked over to where she pointed. Suddenly, my phone rang. I took it out of my pocket and answered. It was my mom.
"Sweetie, where are you?" she said in a concerned voice. "I'm at grandma's, we're cleaning her attic. She said you suggested my help." "No I didn't!" my mother said. "Come home NOW!" "Okay?" I hung up and put my phone back in my pocket.
"Dear, who was that?" I heard grandma's voice. "It was my mom, she said I have to go home." "No, you must stay!" "Sorry, grandma." "I said STAY."
The lights flickered then went out.
"Grandma? Hello? What's going on?!" I yelled. "GRNADMA? WHERE ARE YOU? GRNADMA! HELP!" "I missed you." said a faint voice.
Creaking followed...slowly getting louder and louder every second. I tried to find my phone to use it as a light source.
But it wasn't in my pocket. My heart was beating as fast as a race horse just about to cross the finish line. Thoughts were racing in my head about what was going on.
Then I felt breathing on my neck. And a light voice spoke... "I've been waiting such a long time for this opportunity..." ____________________________________________________
Fail attempt... |
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Wander221
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| 20 Aug 2011 01:45 PM |
>Good job.
Thanks :)
Means a lot to me, since I'm hoping to take my writing career farther. |
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| 20 Aug 2011 01:47 PM |
| And you definately will! c: |
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| 20 Aug 2011 01:48 PM |
| This isn't scary. I've seen scarier stuff than this. This is like, a Pre-K horror story. |
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Wander221
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| 20 Aug 2011 01:49 PM |
>And you definately will! c:
Aw thanks for your support :D |
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| 20 Aug 2011 01:52 PM |
Hey I like the edit :)
buuuuuut...
Could you remove or swap the simile? Because similes tend to take the reader out of the scene and put them somewhere else, I don't know about you, but I don't find the races scary.
(also, who is "GRNADMA"?) |
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Wander221
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| 20 Aug 2011 02:48 PM |
>Could you remove or swap the simile? Because similes tend to take the reader out of the scene and put them somewhere else, I don't know about you, but I don't find the races scary.
(also, who is "GRNADMA"?)
GRNADMA was a typo.
And the simile shows how fast the heart was beating, in this case, as fast as a race horse. |
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| 20 Aug 2011 03:00 PM |
| but then that takes the reader out of the dark attic and into a racetrack, full of happy cheering crowds, just for a second |
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Wander221
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| 20 Aug 2011 03:03 PM |
>but then that takes the reader out of the dark attic and into a racetrack, full of happy cheering crowds, just for a second
no it doesn't ._. |
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Wander221
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| Joined: 06 Aug 2010 |
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| 20 Aug 2011 03:09 PM |
>asyfgequobdfkdjg
fine
...
at least for me it doesn't |
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