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| 06 Aug 2011 08:45 PM |
"My turn! You said I could play after one more level!!!!!" Tony (like always) was screaming at Shadow. Demanding to play PS3. "No, I said one more millenium, retard...." Tony was enraged. He ran to his neighboor's house, Samantha. She hated when she was brought into their fights. He ran the doorbell at least two-hundred times. "I'M COMING! Gosh..." She opened the door, not suprised. "TONY WUN' LEMME' PLAY PS3!" She groaned, and walked through the grass. Tony opened the door, and Samantha grabbed a newspaper. She hit Shadow on the head, while he was rubbing his head. She stole the PS3 controller, and angrily handed it to Tony. "Happy now?" The peace-maker stomped out of the house. Shadow walked into the kitchen, grasping the plastic bottle of coke. He chugged it down, the liquid fell on the floor. "Gah, Sh--" He walked into the bathroom, grabbing a aqua towel, he cleaned up the mess. "SHA-SHA-SHADOW! I NEED YOUR HELLLPPP!!!!!" Tony squaked. While he was walking to help his little brother, the door rang. A strange man was outside..
That was chapter 1. Do you like it? |
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River777
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| Joined: 05 Apr 2010 |
| Total Posts: 14638 |
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| 06 Aug 2011 08:46 PM |
| Dude, I'm not posting this because I hate you, I'm posting this because ir's bad. It's not really all that entertaining, and it's blandly written. |
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Azvex
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| Joined: 24 Mar 2011 |
| Total Posts: 1214 |
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| 06 Aug 2011 09:11 PM |
| AND THEN A SKELETON POPPED OUT |
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| 06 Aug 2011 09:15 PM |
| Its grat, can wait till chapter 2 |
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Azvex
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| Joined: 24 Mar 2011 |
| Total Posts: 1214 |
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| 06 Aug 2011 09:22 PM |
| I don't get it.... You need to think through this story better. |
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| 07 Aug 2011 02:32 PM |
(Here's the back line VERY SHORTLY: 2 brothers, completly opposite... Live together, their neighboor Macy, is dragged into their fights all the time. Their robot, Boop. Is a robot Tony bought. Apparently the robot is the mystery man's child. The "seller person" wanted to sell the robot, becuase he was terribly sick of it.
Boop: A paranoid robot with a child's brain.
Tony: A extremly hyper, insane guy.
Shadow: A hater of nearly anything happy, and joyful.
Macy: A kind person, who hates being dragged into their stupid fights.)
CHAPTER 2: Say hi to Boop!
Shadow walked to the door. He looked down and it looked like he wet his pants. "Tony, get the door!" Shadow screamed. Tony skipped to the door laughing. "Yello?" The sales-person smiled. "Would you like to buy a robo-" "SOLD!" Tony screamed. (10 minutes later.) When Tony finished building the robot, he smiled. "I'm gonna' name you Boop. Becuase robots say Boop. Right?" Boop smiled and started giggle. "I'm BOOP!" Shadow came back. Shocked at what he saw. "New friends!" Boop yelled. Shadow walked into his bedroom and screamed. |
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| 07 Aug 2011 02:35 PM |
| CHAPTER 3! CHAPTER 3! NOW! |
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Xilirite
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| Joined: 31 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 6995 |
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| 07 Aug 2011 02:53 PM |
This is bad fan fiction quality, except it's not a fan fiction. Just making one character a jerk, and the other a whiny brat who can't stand up for himself, doesn't give them personality. It makes them feel like cardboard. Also, don't parents exist in this world? Or do kids grow from trees? Because their parents are either too lazy to object to their kids buying something that might cost millions of dollars (The reason robots are not commercially sold is not because we can't make them, it's because it would have to be programmed to each house by a person who is skilled in robotics.) and Tony just neglects their existence altogether and runs next door. |
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| 07 Aug 2011 03:13 PM |
| (Yeah, it loggically sucks.... o.o I might just let it die >.<) |
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Xilirite
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| Joined: 31 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 6995 |
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| 07 Aug 2011 03:32 PM |
It can be salvaged, but you need to add reason for the characters to act this way. Why does Tony feel he can't stand up to Shadow? You need to explain. Perhaps Shadow bullies Tony becuase he himself is bullied at school, and does it so he can be in charge for once. Is there a reason the girl (can't remember her name) is always breaking up the fights? Maybe the parents are neglective, and always leave the kids at home for weeks at a time well they go off on vacations. You need to explain who these characters are, why they act the way they do (Also, if you combine the parent thing with Tony, we could say he always relied on his parents, but they think he's too old for help, and told him to stand up for himself, even though he can't.) I write stories. A lot of them. I read books. A lot MORE of them. I know how you set up a character and their motivations. |
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Narmzor
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| Joined: 31 Mar 2011 |
| Total Posts: 1145 |
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| 07 Aug 2011 03:33 PM |
You could always try to... Well... I guess you could...
Yeah...
>_> |
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| 07 Aug 2011 03:54 PM |
Okay, I'll take the logic guy's ideas (I suck at remebering names.)
Tony: He's a happy go-lucky person. He expects good in everyone, and everything. His mom has helped him through his life, Shadow hated it... But he knew his little brother had problems. So he stayed out of it. When their dad died, Tony moved in with Shadow. Their mom is living in a small apartment, in the other side of the country. Their mom knew it was best for them to bond, and become good friends. But they are complete opposites.
Shadow: He was terribly abused by his dad. (Their parents broke up when Tony was 3, and Shadow was 5) He was forced to stay with his dad. He was hit all the time, causing a hatrid of Tony. His mom expects him to take care of Tony. But, they never agree on anything... All he has now to rely on is Tony and Boop.
Boop: His father was a insane man. He was a evil scientist planning to make a evil robot army, in the progress... He made a machine that could change humans into wooden robots. Boop's dad then shot him with the machine, attempting to sell him to anyone. He is terrified he may see his dad again, so he depends on Shadow, and Tony to be good parents.
Macy: A helpful, and caring girl. Though, she regrets living where she does. Her 2 best friends always fight. Her mom bought her this house, hoping for her to have a fresh start. But when she met Shadow and Tony, she knew that her life would be intresting. Macy is sort've like Tony's fallback mom. She knows that they always fight, but knows she can stop them from fighting, and agree to protect Boop. |
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| 07 Aug 2011 04:02 PM |
| Ok good... now lets start the story over, using this to guide you |
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Xilirite
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| Joined: 31 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 6995 |
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| 07 Aug 2011 04:19 PM |
Good. Just try to remember-DO NOT FALL INTO THE Y HAS X TRAP! I've seen a thousand examples of people saying "This character has This personality." and then refuse to show this in the story. In fact, theres a webcomic that had no characters-All the characters were stereotypical boys or stereotypical girls (By stereotypical, I mean the writers idea of stereotypical-They all like shopping, and can't do anything without a man to help. I freaking DESPISE this man, believe me, and I'm not the only one, as he's practically an internet meme.) He breaks every rule of writing EVER: He forgets about characters (Even the MAIN CHARACTER WHO IS THE COMICS NAMESAKE!!!) and inserts huge, groundbreaking plot points, then forgets about them so he can write something insignificant. He says that characters act like this, but they never do (Prime example-one character is supposed to be funny, another serious. The serious one is the one who inserts funny (Read: Not funny at all) dialogue and the funny one NEVER says a joke OR anything REMOTELY funny (Then again, all of the comics humour isn't remotely funny.) I just totally went off on a rant.
Also, 'LOGIC GUY, AWAY!!!' |
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| 07 Aug 2011 04:28 PM |
Thanks, and trust me, I HATE STEREO TYPES LIKE THAT -_-
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River777
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| Joined: 05 Apr 2010 |
| Total Posts: 14638 |
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| 07 Aug 2011 07:15 PM |
@Greeny
You're very easily amused aren't you? |
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| 07 Aug 2011 07:16 PM |
| Yup :3 but i like this story |
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River777
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| Joined: 05 Apr 2010 |
| Total Posts: 14638 |
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