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Re: USSR Wins Space Race as US Shuts Down Shuttle Program

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AaronOfMordor is not online. AaronOfMordor
Joined: 14 Mar 2009
Total Posts: 4051
27 Jul 2011 06:47 PM
MOSCOW, USSR—Less than a week after the return of the Atlantis orbiter marked the end of the U.S. space shuttle program, the crowded streets and textile factories of Moscow erupted in celebration as the USSR officially declared victory over the United States in the Space Race.

"At long last, our great Soviet republic has conquered the West and achieved technological and ideological superiority over America," Kremlin representative Sergei Voronin said Wednesday, announcing the achievement to an audience of joyous beet farmers and steel factory laborers assembled in Red Square. "We have established our unrivaled dominion over the stars and planets and stand now at the dawn of a new era, an era in which the tenets of communism shall echo loudly across the Earth's entire expanse."


Soviet space stations like this one may soon number in the dozens, officials at the USSR's State Committee for Science and Technology say.

"Comrades, your hard work and sacrifice have finally paid off!" continued Voronin, his proud voice rising in excitement. "Let us honor this glorious day in Soviet history!"

The termination of NASA's space shuttle program marks the end of a nearly 54-year rivalry between the USSR and the United States to achieve superiority in space exploration. The communist state's solidification of its place as the world's predominant superpower has been observed with lavish military parades and celebrations in cities from Leningrad to East Berlin.

"While the Americans have allowed themselves to be distracted by wars and the search for oil, the USSR has always known that he who controls space leads the world," Premier Mikhail Gorbachev said in a statement. "Our scientists and cosmonauts have brought honor and glory to the Soviet people with their courage and unwavering commitment to communist ideals."

Sources confirmed that in commemoration of the capitalist defeat, extra bread and corn rations had been approved in all major cities, and factory workers were given time off their nine-hour work shifts to join in the festivities. Throughout the Eastern Bloc, pitchforks, hammers, Soviet flags, and large banners adorned with the face of Lenin were seen waving in the air as the excitement of the victory quickly spread.

"When we saw footage of the Atlantis touching down for the very last time, everyone in the tractor factory exploded with unbridled joy at the triumph of our republic," said Kiev assembly-line operator Yaroslav Biryukov, who marched in unison with a batch of laborers while loud refrains of the Soviet national anthem rang out through the streets. "We must now, all of us, work harder, harder than ever to seize this great moment in history."

Shock waves from the USSR's victory in the Space Race have been felt across the communist world, with grand celebrations reported in China, Cuba, North Korea, Yugoslavia, and Afghanistan.

The White House conceded its defeat earlier today, acknowledging the United States was unfit to compete with the USSR given today's harsh economic landscape.

"There is simply no way for us to match our Soviet rival, either in outer space or here on Earth," President Obama said in a televised press conference that drew wild cheers when broadcast to the USSR and its satellite states. "They simply have more advanced technology, better scientists, and a more stable society overall. We honestly never stood a chance."

"It's sad to say, but we'll be seeing Soviet cosmonauts on the moon for years before we see another American astronaut there," Obama continued. "I suppose this just goes to show that capitalism was never the right system after all."

With U.S. intelligence now reporting the Kremlin is at least a year and a half ahead of schedule on its current five-year economic plan, political analysts predict a dramatic shift in power will lead to the rapid Sovietization of the Western Hemisphere, a theory supported by the mass exodus of North American citizens to the USSR over the past year.

"It's only a matter of time before the Soviet Union has successfully spread its communist ideals throughout the entire world, and the United States must accept this grim fact," University of Virginia political scientist Michael Gates said. "We can deny the truth as much as we like, but we might as well face it: Our great experiment has failed."

[ONN]
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Jagex88 is not online. Jagex88
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Total Posts: 1392
27 Jul 2011 07:02 PM
>Implying the USSR still exists.
>Implying they hae space program.
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HenryMorganOfPanama is not online. HenryMorganOfPanama
Joined: 23 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 173
27 Jul 2011 07:04 PM
Jagex88 obviously did not read the [ONN]
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Jagex88 is not online. Jagex88
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Total Posts: 1392
27 Jul 2011 07:05 PM
Also
>Implying Bolshevism hasn't failed.
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Jagex88 is not online. Jagex88
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Total Posts: 1392
27 Jul 2011 07:06 PM
< Doesn't care about the [ONN]
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AaronOfMordor is not online. AaronOfMordor
Joined: 14 Mar 2009
Total Posts: 4051
27 Jul 2011 07:08 PM
^ Has no sense of humor from the ONN.
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Person299 is not online. Person299
Joined: 28 Feb 2008
Total Posts: 7952
27 Jul 2011 07:37 PM
>Implying the European Space Agency doesn't rule space
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doggie90 is not online. doggie90
Joined: 28 Nov 2010
Total Posts: 1330
27 Jul 2011 08:12 PM
NASA is developing a rocket that will take us to mars. That is if NASA survives.
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Mrsnakeman is not online. Mrsnakeman
Joined: 09 Oct 2010
Total Posts: 2728
27 Jul 2011 08:18 PM
Lol...ONN.
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Dharma3 is not online. Dharma3
Joined: 28 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 2726
27 Jul 2011 08:31 PM
US won the survival race
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AaronOfMordor is not online. AaronOfMordor
Joined: 14 Mar 2009
Total Posts: 4051
27 Jul 2011 09:32 PM
I concur. I think that the Commies are hiding amounts us! Day X! From doctors to the most powerful people in the world!
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HenryMorganOfPanama is not online. HenryMorganOfPanama
Joined: 23 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 173
27 Jul 2011 09:36 PM
East Germany still exists.
They are at war with Molassia. Ergo, they exist.
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omarwwazzan is not online. omarwwazzan
Joined: 02 May 2009
Total Posts: 1778
27 Jul 2011 10:50 PM
This is fake, the US shut down the shuttle program because they have new tech, the shuttle is starting to get old anyways.
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SCIFIGuy64 is not online. SCIFIGuy64
Joined: 13 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 660
27 Jul 2011 10:55 PM
Keep in mind we went to the moon in the late 1960's.
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pepper0 is not online. pepper0
Joined: 01 Sep 2007
Total Posts: 12032
28 Jul 2011 12:03 AM
What comes after the Space Shuttle? Public space travel?
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AaronOfMordor is not online. AaronOfMordor
Joined: 14 Mar 2009
Total Posts: 4051
28 Jul 2011 01:59 AM
Im laughing how some of you took this seriously...
-----


Keep in mind we went to the moon in the 1960s'
----
Keep in mine the Soviets were the first satilite and the first human in space.
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Czechia is not online. Czechia
Joined: 10 May 2011
Total Posts: 1860
28 Jul 2011 05:28 AM
>Implying USSR still exists
>Implying Russia is communist.
>Implying I was waving with soviet flags and with portraits of worst dictators in history of Russia.
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Zct13 is not online. Zct13
Joined: 02 Oct 2010
Total Posts: 361
28 Jul 2011 07:30 AM
You guys realize that the Onion News Network is a satire network?

Right?

Because at least 2 people here got trolled pretty hard.
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CCCPTrollin is not online. CCCPTrollin
Joined: 19 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 92
28 Jul 2011 07:38 AM
Implying that the USSR has made it to the moon
Implying that Onion News is srs
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Yobobo10 is not online. Yobobo10
Joined: 14 Oct 2009
Total Posts: 3711
28 Jul 2011 08:50 AM
I BLAME THE KAISER!
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HenryMorganOfPanama is not online. HenryMorganOfPanama
Joined: 23 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 173
28 Jul 2011 08:57 AM
Which one?
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Yobobo10 is not online. Yobobo10
Joined: 14 Oct 2009
Total Posts: 3711
28 Jul 2011 08:58 AM
ALL OF THEM!
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HenryMorganOfPanama is not online. HenryMorganOfPanama
Joined: 23 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 173
28 Jul 2011 08:59 AM
Why not blame the Pickelhaube? Never has such evil been harnessed in such a small metal device.
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Angstrom93 is not online. Angstrom93
Joined: 22 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 2118
28 Jul 2011 09:00 AM
It was about time we privatized space travel anyway.
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HenryMorganOfPanama is not online. HenryMorganOfPanama
Joined: 23 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 173
28 Jul 2011 09:16 AM
Privatization of space travel is stupid.

You really think companies are going to shoot for mars?

It would cost billions, and frankly, I don't see too many private launch pads with massive trawlers anywhere.
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