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Trapped. (Story) (Respost)

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kerrikoo is not online. kerrikoo
Joined: 02 Jan 2010
Total Posts: 1588
08 Jul 2011 04:19 AM
Just keep going. Just keep going.” The girl chanted on. She had been doing this for the past half hour. “You're nearly there, Bell. You're nearly home.” She said to herself. She was thirteen ye.ars old, hungry, thirsty, and cold. She walked on, the cold snow crisp beneath her feet. She felt the snowflakes fall against her skin. “Just keep going. Just keep going.”

Bella awoke, startled from her dream. She sighed. She wondered whether this would be her real condition in just a few weeks time. She was going to Antarctica, after all. She had been paranoid about it for months. A million questions had been swirling around her mind; What if the boat crashes? What if I get lost? What if we lose the tent? What if, what if, what if. In truth, she wouldn't even make it there. Something far worse than all of her paranoid imaginings would happen. She didn't know it at this at this point, of course. Her story would only be clear after school. Her first day at Swallow High, to be precise. She hated the name; It didn't sound right. With a sigh, she sat on the edge of her bed, and yawned. She opened her eyes blearily for the first time that morning. She sighed, then went downstairs to check the time. Seven thirty. She went back upstairs, got dressed, opened the curtains and put on her make-up. The usual morning routine. She went back downstairs to meet her mother. “Morning, sleepyhead.” Her mother said with a smile.
“Morning, mum.”
“Only a few more weeks to go!” She said.
“Yeah.” Bella replied, with a fake grin. She went over to a shelf in the corner of light blue kitchen, and took down a box of Frosties. She poured them into a bowl, got herself a spoon and some milk, and ate her breakfast. “Oh, by the way, I'm gonna be home late tonight. Would you mind looking after your brother for a while? I have to go work down at the hospital.” Bella looked over at her little brother, Stuart. He was t.en ye.ars ol.d, and easy to look after. “Sure.” She replied, with a thin smile. This would be fun. “Oh, look at the time it eight o'clock. Come on, get your stuff ready.” Bella wearily pulled on a denim jacket and her hot pink bag, signed from everyone in her previous school. “Bye, mum!” She called through the door, and walked to the school.

When she got to the school gates she stopped and just looked at the school. I'll going here everyday for the next six years. She thought to herself. Better get used to the place. She walked in and reported to her first class; Geography. The lesson took an hour to to eighty minutes, and most of it for Bella was spent either picking her nail polish or doodling on a piece of paper. Today it was doodling. She started drawing a picture of cat, sitting nobly on a rock, until the teacher caught her.
She hummed at the picture for a moment, and then gave it back to her. It was a good drawing, even if the teachers weren't particularly fond of her drawing in their lessons. “From now on, Ms. Lawson, the pen and notepad are kept in your school bag.”
“Yes, miss.” She replied miserably, shoving her notepad and pen in her bag. The rest of the day dragged on slowly, Bella forever looking at the clock. She would occasionally think to herself, Why can't time go faster? Or I wish I could draw.

When Bella got home, she took off her bag and jacket and hung them up on the hooks by the front door.. “Hey, Stuart!” She yelled through to the living room.”Hiya, Bell!” He replied. She walked through, and switched on the TV, as the phone started ringing. She sighed, and got up to get it. “Hello?”
“Hello, Bella Lawson.”
“Who is this?”
“Oh, you'll find out soon enough.”
The person laughed, and hung up. Bella was rather shaken by the c.all. She walked back into the living room. Stuart wasn't there.

But someone else was.
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kerrikoo is not online. kerrikoo
Joined: 02 Jan 2010
Total Posts: 1588
08 Jul 2011 04:28 AM
Even the smallest amout of feedback would be appreaciated.
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TAKER38 is not online. TAKER38
Joined: 08 Apr 2008
Total Posts: 15210
08 Jul 2011 05:41 AM
I skimmed through briefly. It's ok. Nothing special. Sorry if I sound a bit mean but to be special it has to be professional and very original or at least remade very well. Not saying you copied an idea or anything.
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TyphoonMan is not online. TyphoonMan
Joined: 17 May 2008
Total Posts: 3504
08 Jul 2011 07:38 AM
Nothing special, kind of boring actually. If you make another chapter I'll give it a chance though.
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kerrikoo is not online. kerrikoo
Joined: 02 Jan 2010
Total Posts: 1588
08 Jul 2011 07:46 AM
Before Bella could get a good look at the stranger in her living room, the electricity conked out.
Now it was getting scary.
“Stuart?” Her voice came out a hoarse whisper. She cleared her throat, took up all the courage she could muster. “Stuart?” Her voice was clear this time; Nothing. No-one was there, except the woman, or man, whoever it might be. Silently waiting to do whatever it was he wanted. Bella was thinking a thousand thoughts a second. Suddenly, she heard her come closer. She could sense it, somehow. She opened her mouth to scream, but nothing came out. She was truly terrified. She let out a low m.oan as the woman knocked her uncon.cious.

Bella woke with a throbbing pain in her neck and head. Her first thought was that she was at home. Then she remembered everything. “Stuart?!” She cried frantically. “Bell.....” came a hoarse voice from the corner of the room, or cell, she was in. “Bella...” Came the whimpered cry of her brother again. She ran over to where the voice had come from. Stuart was lying there.
“Stuart! Are you okay? Have you broke.n anything?”
“Bell. Calm down. I'm fine. Just a little tired and hungry, is all.” He gave a faint smile. “I'll be fine.”
“Who was that person? In the living room, last night?”
A cold, unforgiving woman's voice suddenly rang through the air. Bella suddenly noticed the speakers in the corners of the small, dirty, white room they were in.
“That would be me. Hello there, children.” Bella was suddenly overcome by rage.
“What the hell do you think you're doing?! We could've been kil.led last night!” Bella screamed.
“Don't worry, my Dear, I wouldn't have let you di.e. And waste all that talent? As if!” She let out a sly cackle. “No, you'll be working for ME from now on, and there's nothing you can do about it!”
'This woman is insane!' Bella thought.
“When my father gets here -”
“Oh, but that's the best part, Bella! You see, your mother and father had a fa.tal car accid.ent yesterday. Tragic, really.” Hot tears ran down Bella's cheeks.
“You - You're lying!” She managed to croak out, trying to hide the tears in her voice.
“Oh, how I DON'T wish I was!” She let out that cackle of her hers again. Bella tried to run to the speakers, to wreck anything that would let her voice through, when she fell flat on her face. She realised with horror that she had a shackle on one of her ankles, and a long length of chain was attached to it.
“You monster!” She screamed.
The woman's voice suddenly went cold. “Now, Bella don't talk to me that way. Or I'm afraid Stuart here might also have a little a.ccident.” Bella zipped her lips at that. She silently vowed that if she ever got out, by some twist of fate, she would track her down and hand her over to the police.
“That's better. Now, your first day at work will begin tomorrow morning. I will send down one of my workers with the correct clothing, you will change out of those those stupid school clothes you are wearing now. You WILL change into these tomorrow, or else.” Bella nodded, then remembered she probably couldn't see her.
“Yes, miss.” She replied miserably.
“Ooh, formal already are we?” She laughed, almost like a sane person, and then she heard her voice no more. She walked back over to Stuart, which was as far as her shackle would allow. He was crying. “It'll all be okay soon. Just you wait.” She whispered into his hair, hugging him.

"It'll all be okay..."
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TyphoonMan is not online. TyphoonMan
Joined: 17 May 2008
Total Posts: 3504
08 Jul 2011 07:50 AM
Nice, continue please.
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kerrikoo is not online. kerrikoo
Joined: 02 Jan 2010
Total Posts: 1588
08 Jul 2011 08:21 AM
Working on it now, it'll take ten minutes to half an hour.
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kerrikoo is not online. kerrikoo
Joined: 02 Jan 2010
Total Posts: 1588
08 Jul 2011 08:22 AM
Okay, this one's alot shorter, but it's still okayish.
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kerrikoo is not online. kerrikoo
Joined: 02 Jan 2010
Total Posts: 1588
08 Jul 2011 08:23 AM

When Bella woke up after a restless sleep, a girl age.d five to ten was standing over her. She had a bundle of clothes in her arms, and she was looking at her. “Your uniform.” She said. There was no emotion in her voice whatsoever. She sounded like a zombie. She lay the clothes on the floor and walked away. She picked them up and then got changed. She put her old clothes on the floor and sat on the floor, waiting for Miss, as she had nicknamed her, to tell her where to go. Stuart was still asleep. Her voice rang through the air, cold and unforgiving. “Hello again, dahling. How did you enjoy your night?” She cackled, and spoke again; “Well, you are starting your back braking labour – Oh, sorry, I mean work - today. A guard will be down in a moment to release your shackle and take you to work.” I could almost see her smiling. A few moments later, a man with the same emotionless, zombie like expression came down the stairs. He unlocked her shackles, and grabbed her arms. She struggled for all she was worth, but to no avail. The man handcuffed her hands behind her, and walked her out to a well. “What now?” She said to the man. He looked straight ahead, and pushed her in.

(Damn Floodcheck.)
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TyphoonMan is not online. TyphoonMan
Joined: 17 May 2008
Total Posts: 3504
08 Jul 2011 10:43 AM
You use the same words multiple time. Try to use a varied vocabulary but it's still good. Original story line as far as I'm concerned and has lots of cliffhangars which I find amazing.
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