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Re: What do you think of my book?

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JadeTeale is not online. JadeTeale
Joined: 08 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 190
06 Jul 2011 04:27 PM
Sorry if its long...




12/31/1699

"Alice, come here." I heard my big sister Jane called, whom at the time was housing my friend Matthew.
"Yes?" I replied. "Why is he," she gestured the other room where Matthew was. "here?" I explained to her, both our parents are fighting, and he's only 13, like me! "Alice,"
"Yes?"
"I am going to the shop, watch your friend."
By then I had walked over to Matthew and sat on a kitchen chair, and he followed behind me.
"Why does your sister not like me?"
"She is… difficult."
"Where is she going?"
"The shops, she will be back in the morning."
"I am getting a bit hungry."
I then got up and gestured him to the garden.
"What?"
"What do you want in your soup?"
"Okay."
He picked a cabbage, carrots, and a pepper.
I took the plants, washed them, cut them up and threw them in a big pot of water.
"I can get that!" Matthew said.
He picked up the large pot and hung it over the fireplace.
"Now, we have to let it cook for 20 minuets." I told him.
We sat around in the kitchen, attempting to tell the time.
Then Matthew stood up and said, "Let us eat!" He picked up the steaming pot and carried it to the table. I scooped the vegetables into two bowls. We ate the small meal.
"Should your sister be back soon?" Matthew said.
"I will not worry about her, she can take care of herself. We crawled onto the small feather mattresses and drifted off to sleep.


01/01/1700

We woke up due to a knock on the door. I got up, letting Matthew stay. I opened the door and the shopkeeper, John, was there. "Something wrong?" I asked him.
"Umm. I bring bad news." He said, holding his hat down.
"What news?" I gasped.
"Your sister-"
"What happened to her! Is she ok?" by now I was shaking.
"No…"
"What happed!" I intrigued again.
" I found her body walking home last night,"
I was speechless, My own SISTER!
"It looked like an animal attack, she was bitten."
I could feel my anger, like I was going to explode, and slammed the door right on the shopkeepers face, I had no idea he was standing so close. I ran to the window, I saw him running away, holing his nose. Matthew came into the living room, I was sitting on a chair. He came over, not knowing what happened and said.
"It is 1700..."
I turned around and he saw how upset I was.
"What is wrong?
"My sister."
"It is fine! She will be home soon."
I shook my head no.
"What happened?"
"An animal attack."
"She is not coming back is she?"
I shook my head no again and ran up to hug him.
"What are we going to do, Matthew?"
"What do you mean?"
"We don’t have jobs, or money."
"The house is paid for, and we have a garden for food."
We spent the rest of the day making food and thinking of what we could do without my sister.


01/02/1700

I woke Matthew up I had a plan. I walked outside, and drearily Matthew followed me. We went to the middle of our village, and found a small group of people.
"What are we doing here?"
"We are looking for someone, my sister knew her."
"Who?"
"Her name is Mary."
" THAT helps, that is such a common name."
"I think that’s her."
I walked over to a tall girl In a dark dress.
"Are you Mary?"
"Yes…" The girl said.
"You knew my sister, she's gone."
" Oh, I am sorry, your sister was Jane, and your Alice."
She handed me a bag of coins and a letter, then shooed us home. When we got home I read the letter: "Hello reader, I am Mary, I can supply you of what you need in short time, If you wish to speak to who gives me my stuff (I have never met him), go to the alley behind the village at 12 AM.- Mary"
Me and Matthew decided we would not go see who gave Mary the stuff, even though it was tempting.
"What will we do with all these coins?" Matthew asked
"Save them. "
"I want to see who is giving to Mary."
"NO!"
"Why not?"
"It might be dangerous, we have to stick together.
"But what if the coins are fake?"
"then no one can tell."
I thought about it for a second, the realized that I was just as curious.
Then we fell asleep right there in the kitchen.




01/03/1700
I woke up and found Matthew missing. I looked everywhere. Then, I looked under Mary's note and found another: "Good morning Alice, I am so sorry, I went to see who he was. I hope you will forgive me, I need to see what's going on- Matthew."
I sat down by the kitchen, and decided to go out to the village today. I took the bag of coins, and walked outside.

********************************
When I got back, I had bought a few feather pillows and some blankets. I wished Matthew was back, I told him it was a bad idea. I set up the new pillows and blankets, and then I warmed up some pre-made stew. I ate the mixture of unrecognizable vegetables. Then I walked outside just in time to hear the newsman: "ATTENTION, ATTENTION! Keep doors and windows LOCKED! Wild animal on the loose!
I sighed, thinking of my sister. Then walked over to the lake and saw a few girls giggling.
"Why be happy?"
All the girls just stared at me.
I dove into the small, five foot lake. Then I could make out a figure by the door, I crawled out of the water, and rushed home. I noticed the cloth on his face and knew it was the shopkeeper.
"Don't worry, he didn't die." He explained.
"Who, Matthew?" (I was hoping it was)
"He was found in the alley, like your sister."
"Is he alright!"
"He was taken to the village doctor, he was bitten on his shoulder, he will be released tonight."
"What bit him?"
"An animal, wild dog, wild cat, bear."
"Will he come here?"
"That’s up to him."
After that, I noticed the time and went to bed.



01/04/1700
I woke up, all alone. Today I was going to Mary. I got up and put on a simple gray dress. I ran outside, looking for Mary. Then I saw her, she looked panicked and she was speaking to a group of her friends, after a few walked away I pulled her to the side.
"Where is Matthew!"
"IM SORRY! I DID NOT KNOW IM SO SORRY!!!"
"What did you not know?"
"I can't! He did this! He did this!"
"Who?"
"The man in the alley!"
"What happened!"
"NO ONE BELIEVES ME, IT IS HIM!"
"What did he do!"
"HE IS DOING THE KILLING, HE GOT YOUR SISTER!"
"Who!"
"HE GOT MATTHEW!, HE GOT YOUR SISTER!"
"Calm down Mary, Tell me what happened."
I gave her a few minuets to stop screaming and crying.
"Well, The man, Who gave me the stuff!"
"What happened to my sister!"
"He saw her, he said he could get her money, then he bit her, HE BIT HER!"
"Bit her? That’s disgusting."
"Then Matthew came, and the man said he would give him two tickets to England…and he fell for it.. Then the man bit him too…"
"Eww, how do you know all this."
"Last night. He CAME TO MY HOUSE! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!"
"How do you know this stuff!"
"He told me, HE TOLD ME E-EVERYTHING!"
"He said that Jane was an "Experiment" to see if it worked on the dead, and Matthew was to see if it spread on the living!"
"Is it some kind of disease?"
She calmed down, and then grabbed her bag.
"Follow me."
Mary took me down into her cellar, and lit up the lantern.
It looked normal, meats, foods, but then I saw a book.
"My grandmothers', she wrote everything that ever happened in here. She opened the folded pages to the last page, it was titled: "The Night Walkers". The page had a splatter of blood and looked as if she was cut short.
Mary read allowed: "If thy ever sees them once more, it may be thy end. Creatures, animals, putrid things. They prey at night, seeking another meal. Thy have enhanced intelligence, thy persons have sharp teeth, the only thing that can stop them Is the cure, the way to make the cure I-"
there was a long line across the page, with a tear in the end, the bottom looked like the color of a dirty turnip, it was covered in blood.
"So you think… were facing these "night walker" things?"
"It is all the evidence we have."
"And you think the man in the alley is one of them?"
"Yes."
"He could just be another strange person with his hands on some history."
"My grandparents lived here, they left some tools behind."
"What?"
She opened a small compartment in the back of the cellar and took out a box.
"Here."
She handed me a few log poles with a sharp end.
"What is this for?"
"It is simple to kill the Night Walkers, one of these in the head, neck, or heart."
"Anything else?"
"Well, they burn in sunlight."
"What if you do not want to kill them?"
"You an make them drink water… it dulls their poison and their teeth stay flat, but remember one bite and your one of them."
I thought about Matthew and Jane.
"But they have to be living for it to work, and he killed my sister first."
"Yes, she is not one of them."
"Matthew…"
"It takes a few days to turn…"
"How many…."
"My parents told me the newsman, before my grandmother was attacked, said three."
"Oh great…"
"What?"
"Matthew was bitten yesterday."
"As far as I know, they don’t know how to control themselves, like, possession."
"What can I do, I am not going to kill him!"
"If you don't, I will !"
"WHY!"
"I am not taking chances! "
"What if he can control himself?"
"Ha! That will be a first!"
"I have known him since we were two!"
"Well, it is your choice, but I would like to live.
After that, I left and walked home.
I decided to go in the lake, and see what people threw in there.
Once I got around the bottom of four feet, I saw a book, It looked old, yet it was preserved. I went up to see if anyone was looking, then dove in and retrieved the book.
Now, what I found odd was that the books cover, had my name on it. I took the book inside, and opened it up. The pages were dry, and there was nothing in it. But what really amazed me was that after looking at the book, there was a knock at the door. It was eleven at night, who would come at this hour!
"Hello?" I asked.
"Alice, it is me, let me in." Then I knew who it was…it was Matthew.
I thought about what Mary said about the night walkers, then I ran to the door anyway.
"MATTHEW!" I opened the door.
He ran inside and hugged me.
"I am so sorry! I did not listen!"
"Wait."
"What?"
"You were bitten…"
"I know, some psycho-"
"No…"
"I…Do not know what happened, one minute it was ship tickets, the next was being an "Experiment"."
"Mary calls them Night Walkers…"
"What?"
I recited the page from Mary's grandmothers journal.
"How much longer until I have to be…a Night Walker?"
"Mary says it is three days after being bitten."
"I am sorry!"
"Do not be sorry, I would have done the same."
"The man, he said If I don’t get blood soon, I will kill someone I need!"
"Do not worry, I know you wont hurt me."
"You can never be sure, Alice."


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JadeTeale is not online. JadeTeale
Joined: 08 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 190
06 Jul 2011 04:40 PM
Bring
Up
My
Post!
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JadeTeale is not online. JadeTeale
Joined: 08 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 190
06 Jul 2011 04:51 PM
BUMPITY BUMP BUMP
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JadeTeale is not online. JadeTeale
Joined: 08 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 190
06 Jul 2011 05:12 PM
Please read it
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denchie1 is online. denchie1
Joined: 20 Oct 2010
Total Posts: 79
06 Jul 2011 05:33 PM
it had a few puncuation and spelling errors... but overall it was a good story! you should write more to it, i wanna know what happened next
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JadeTeale is not online. JadeTeale
Joined: 08 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 190
06 Jul 2011 06:02 PM
Thanks, I still need a title. Also, Im going to get it printed/published once I finish
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madman1212 is not online. madman1212
Joined: 03 Dec 2007
Total Posts: 249
06 Jul 2011 07:25 PM
You're introducing your characters too fast, but it's well written. Try to add more detail and a little less dialouge.
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madman1212 is not online. madman1212
Joined: 03 Dec 2007
Total Posts: 249
06 Jul 2011 07:28 PM
I forgot to mention, I too am writing a book, but I try to find facts before I write about a certain time. Honestly, this book sounds like it's taking place in modern times, which isn't a good sign when you're writing about the Sixtenth Century.
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JadeTeale is not online. JadeTeale
Joined: 08 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 190
06 Jul 2011 07:32 PM
to be honest, not much happend after the salem with trials. thats why I chose the era, I dont need to mold over anything.
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The1337Forumer is not online. The1337Forumer
Joined: 28 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 1464
07 Jul 2011 12:48 AM
Why did you even post that?­ ­­­­­­­­­­
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JadeTeale is not online. JadeTeale
Joined: 08 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 190
07 Jul 2011 10:01 AM
What do you mean?
I posted it to see what you think.
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FollowTheDark is not online. FollowTheDark
Joined: 28 Oct 2009
Total Posts: 2414
07 Jul 2011 10:19 AM
It was decent, I agree that you need a BIT more detail.
Describe the characters, the type of hair they have, the colour of their eyes, and if they have freckles or not! Tell people about their personalities, and what was the room like? Was the house pretty? You need to include this stuff. :b
What did the man that told you about your sister look like? Should he end up being the one that killed he?
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JadeTeale is not online. JadeTeale
Joined: 08 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 190
07 Jul 2011 10:24 AM
Thanks, but on the updated version I have most of this
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FollowTheDark is not online. FollowTheDark
Joined: 28 Oct 2009
Total Posts: 2414
07 Jul 2011 10:26 AM
Well, that's good.
I'm about to start writing a murder mystery.
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