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Re: Rate my writing

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NxaIIo is not online. NxaIIo
Joined: 27 Feb 2016
Total Posts: 314
25 Jul 2017 11:49 AM
Tell me how well I did!



My hand was shaking as it reached the side of his face. I finally lost the tense feeling in my body, and I struck.

To me, it felt like I was in a WWE boxing match. The whole 11th grade class was circled around us, watching the good girl and the bad boy fight each other. It was all for 1 weird reason, my perfect record was lost because of 1 thing.

I accidentally took his seat in the classroom.

It was a Monday morning, just like every other Monday. This one was much worse though.

I got a speeding ticket, and I lost my perfect record at school today.

Talk about bad.

I was late to class, and of course, all the other seats were taken except for two.

One of the seats were in the front of the room, right smack in front of the whiteboard. The other was all the way in the back of the room, away from everyone else.

Being the shy kid I am, I decided to go and sit all the way in the back of the room,so I could at least focus on what I had to do.

Marcus was the boy mostly known for that time where he got someone in the hospital.

I, on the other hand, was known for being the girl who won the Spelling Bee.

But once two completely different people interfere with the lives of one another, disaster strikes, and there is no way out of it.

I sat where he normally sat, not thinking twice. The door popped open, and there he was.

His baby blue eyes changed to a darker, more violent shade of blue. His face turned red, his eyebrows knitted together in anger.

He came beside me, stinking of smoke. I could tell he was late to class because of his morning smoking habit.

"Get up, this is my seat" he demanded.

"Not today" I mumbled.

He started at me, hinting that he heard what I said. His balled his hand up into a fist and raised it, his fist aiming directly at my nose.

"Your done" he said "Get out of my freaking seat before I break your nose."

I stayed where I was, unsure of what will happen.

I made the wrong choice


🎆But I'm Smart and That's a Trap🎆
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PaleFolklore is not online. PaleFolklore
Joined: 30 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 5592
25 Jul 2017 11:51 AM
good style for fanfiction


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NxaIIo is not online. NxaIIo
Joined: 27 Feb 2016
Total Posts: 314
25 Jul 2017 11:52 AM
This is original


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PaleFolklore is not online. PaleFolklore
Joined: 30 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 5592
25 Jul 2017 11:52 AM
yeah im saying it would make good fanfiction


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NxaIIo is not online. NxaIIo
Joined: 27 Feb 2016
Total Posts: 314
25 Jul 2017 11:58 AM
b1


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VitoDonatelli is not online. VitoDonatelli
Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Total Posts: 4333
25 Jul 2017 12:34 PM
dad i have some questions

1. are there spelling bees in high school
2. why is this guy going to just punch a girl in a nose rather than just force her from the seat
3. WHY WOULD JUNIORS BE FIGHTING OVER A SEAT
4. JUNIORS


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PaleFolklore is not online. PaleFolklore
Joined: 30 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 5592
25 Jul 2017 01:01 PM
as i saidbefore. fanfiction


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NxaIIo is not online. NxaIIo
Joined: 27 Feb 2016
Total Posts: 314
25 Jul 2017 01:04 PM
it is a matter of life or death when we sit in someone else's seat




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facesmasher07 is not online. facesmasher07
Joined: 25 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 5000
25 Jul 2017 01:13 PM
It's a style that definitely works

Obviously the plot is iffy but whatever i guess


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JulianHallstrom is not online. JulianHallstrom
Joined: 29 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2765
25 Jul 2017 05:29 PM
a lot of it seems redundant
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PaleFolklore is not online. PaleFolklore
Joined: 30 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 5592
25 Jul 2017 09:47 PM
every thing u say is redundant julian because its allways stupid


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JulianHallstrom is not online. JulianHallstrom
Joined: 29 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2765
25 Jul 2017 09:52 PM
thanks pale
anyway i realize that wasn't great criticism
"He came beside me, stinking of smoke. I could tell he was late to class because of his morning smoking habit."
"It was all for 1 weird reason, my perfect record was lost because of 1 thing."
both of these seem very redundant, i think you overuse paragraphs, which is better than not using paragraphs, but still makes it hard to read
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PaleFolklore is not online. PaleFolklore
Joined: 30 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 5592
25 Jul 2017 09:54 PM
i do agree however


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DanDanny1234 is not online. DanDanny1234
Joined: 28 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 57
25 Jul 2017 11:06 PM
although i am not one to critique writing because i sux myself, the pacing felt kinda awkward and the plot as well. however one thing that struck me was ur style, i guess it reminded me of junie b ####### books which is pretty good depending on ur audience. also like the other guy who said, this would prob make good fanfiction.
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VitoDonatelli is not online. VitoDonatelli
Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Total Posts: 4333
25 Jul 2017 11:11 PM
she's not being redundant for nothing, im thinking she's using repetition to build emphasis
















but yes i agree it's annoying


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PaleFolklore is not online. PaleFolklore
Joined: 30 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 5592
25 Jul 2017 11:13 PM
KEEP WRITING HONEY DONT GIVE UP!!! AND ANOTHER TIP DONT SHARE YOUR WRITINGS WITH OTHER WRITERS LMAO


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DanDanny1234 is not online. DanDanny1234
Joined: 28 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 57
25 Jul 2017 11:19 PM
yeah original poster, dont let the comments get to ur head

just keep exploring with ur writing and have fun
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FlyingYamaski is online. FlyingYamaski
Joined: 01 Feb 2015
Total Posts: 13767
25 Jul 2017 11:31 PM
good writing
but WWE boxing match?!?!?!
wowza


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NxaIIo is not online. NxaIIo
Joined: 27 Feb 2016
Total Posts: 314
26 Jul 2017 09:28 AM
I can post another part once im done


🎆But I'm Smart and That's a Trap🎆
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timthegreat2salt is not online. timthegreat2salt
Joined: 03 Jun 2015
Total Posts: 2242
26 Jul 2017 09:30 AM
only for 1 more day. The forum is getting deleted.
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NxaIIo is not online. NxaIIo
Joined: 27 Feb 2016
Total Posts: 314
26 Jul 2017 09:36 AM
true, but it is almsot done


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NxaIIo is not online. NxaIIo
Joined: 27 Feb 2016
Total Posts: 314
27 Jul 2017 09:41 PM
my poost


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TheGrandTriumph is not online. TheGrandTriumph
Joined: 13 Apr 2008
Total Posts: 2999
28 Jul 2017 02:19 PM
cool


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FlyingYamaski is online. FlyingYamaski
Joined: 01 Feb 2015
Total Posts: 13767
28 Jul 2017 02:24 PM
we can still reply
wowzas
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