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Re: I have been falling for a few days, now.

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BrotoBrother is online. BrotoBrother
Joined: 24 Oct 2014
Total Posts: 320
22 Jun 2017 01:36 AM
My name is James Heffling. I have been falling for ever since I could remember. Allow me to explain:

It was a normal day - like any other. I woke up, I brushed my teeth and I got ready for work. I can't really recall what happened after that. I was really tired and barely ready to start the day.

Either way, I suppose I managed to get to work. I drive a Blue Sedan, it's got a crappy paint job and I am almost certain the brand is a bootleg of some other car company. It's actually pretty ironic - I work at an office purposed for stuff like this.

You see; I am a part of a major corporation. We manufacture car parts and what not. My job is to tend to the suggestions sent in by those who fancy our products. I control what goes to the idea board, and what does not. You would not believe the amount of spam mail we get. It is insane!

Now that I think about it; everyone at work was acting a little weird. I assumed someone was fired on the spot, or it an incident occurred in the boiler room. All though I was curious, I had a job to attend to.

The establishment consists of four floors, You've got the basement - The Front Desk - Office Floor #1 and Office Floor #2. My office is on the fourth floor. It may come as a surprise to you but out of my 4 years of working here: I have never seen the boss.

I try not to let it distract me. I assume he is a busy man.

Let me just skip ahead of my day; things started to get weird while I was on the elevator. Usually when I enter the elevator - I am greeted by my co-workers, or the janitor.. or anyone who happens to be within the elevator. Today was different, much different. As I stepped into the elevator (The crowded elevator, mind you. There were just about 5 people cramped inside.) everyone had a frightened expression on their face, as if they just witnessed a murder. I was sort of hesitant when entering but I pushed myself into the heap of people.

From there on out, I decided to stay in my office for the rest of the day. I wasn't going to go back out into the mass amount of depression awaiting me within the hallways.

I eventually checked out and I headed back home. It was around 12 PM by the time I got onto the road. My usual route was the highway but it was blocked up for miles. I just wanted to go home and sleep. My first move was to take the mountain-side road. Its proper term would be Route 64.

I've only ever driven on Route 64 once. If you've ever asked around the town folk who live near Route 64, you'll find yourself talking to them about the many incidents that have occurred there. It is said that the road itself tempers with your sanity, causing you to drive off of the cliff. Can you believe such a ridiculous story?

I arrived at the beginning of the route - it is set in a forest. You've got to drive a bit before you eventually get to Route 64. It took me nearly 30 minutes before I reached Route 64.

At this moment, I wanted to do was lie down and shut my eyes. Just the thought of it put me to sleep. I'm not sure how long I was out for, but I can recall the loud honk of a truck before I made a turn for the worst.

I awoke to the headlights of a large vehicle. It equally blinded me and terrified me at the same time. I quickly tried to move out of the way of the vehicle, but it was too late. The impact of the collision launched my car right off of the mountain-side.

At this very moment, I wasn't too sure if this was really happening to me or not.

My car was consistently rolling as it plummeted downward. My seat window was wide open - the speed was practically pulling me out of the window. While I was being gravitated out, I hit my head against the roof of the car. That was when I passed out.

When I awoke, I found myself still falling. I was centered by nothing but pitch black.

I almost had a moment of clarity, is it possible that this is not longer reality?

That was the beginning of it all. I have been falling for a few days, now.

(This was made out of boredom, and I'm not exactly happy with it. Constructive criticism would be nice, though.)


If you think about it, every sci-fi movie to ever exist is kind of ridiculous.
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SwedishLemon is not online. SwedishLemon
Joined: 19 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 8728
22 Jun 2017 03:32 AM
Decent concept. However, heavy misuse of the first-person genre. Everyone here seems to do it; they assume first-person is the easiest and third is the hardest. That's incredibly incorrect. First-person is the hardest genre of writing to master.

Though you aren't dealing with the intricacies and hair-pulling technicalities of present-tense first-person, you're still using far too many "I"s. It's true that we use "I" more than we need to in a regular conversation, but from a narrative standpoint it comes across as amateur, distracting, and ugly.

You have too few moments of internal monologue and strife and instead just brief descriptions of what your protagonist was feeling, which would fit better in third-person. Again, another beginner mistake, so don't worry about it. "I almost had a moment of clarity, is it possible that this is no longer reality?" can be replaced with, "He almost had a moment of clarity... he wondered, could it be possible that this was no longer reality?" for an amplified effect, as your overall style and tone suggests this story would function better as third-person.

It was also fairly short, though you made this out of boredom and thus it's excusable. If this was to be published, it'd have to be at least several pages in length.

Overall, your concept shows promise for a longer, more in-depth third-person story I could see published in a fantasy or horror story magazine. Even if they reject you (as they have to me), the editor will gladly critique your story and give you an idea on what you need to improve on.

Good luck in further endeavors!
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BrotoBrother is online. BrotoBrother
Joined: 24 Oct 2014
Total Posts: 320
22 Jun 2017 03:52 AM
Thank you for the feedback. It means a lot and helps me strive to improve my ethics.


If you think about it, every sci-fi movie to ever exist is kind of ridiculous.
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SwedishLemon is not online. SwedishLemon
Joined: 19 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 8728
22 Jun 2017 03:56 AM
You are very welcome. You may feel discouraged from writing for a few days. but that is normal. It happened with me when I sent in a work of mine to a professional editor, but I had to push through it and I eventually it better based on the suggestions the editor had given me.

Of course, they were wanting something longer and I just couldn't do that with school-work, so plans to publish it as an episodic novella in the magazine were ultimately scrapped. ;_;

But even after that, I'm still not discouraged from writing! :D
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BrotoBrother is online. BrotoBrother
Joined: 24 Oct 2014
Total Posts: 320
22 Jun 2017 04:04 AM
Either way, Feedback is deeply appreciated. I've just got a big issue when it comes to writing stories or biographies. They'll end up being way too short.

I think it happens when I'm laying out the writing foundation in my head. I'm trying to think of words to use, ideas to throw in and what I'll write next. It sometimes distracts me from my work and I'll end up writing "They" as "The" or "No" as "Not".

I find writing to be a hobby of mine. I don't see myself making a career out of it but I definitely want to understand more about it.

Y'know, once again. Thank you for the feedback, Swedish. It helps out a ton.


If you think about it, every sci-fi movie to ever exist is kind of ridiculous.
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