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Re: Grade my dystopian essay

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sly1032 is not online. sly1032
Joined: 29 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 780
25 Apr 2017 09:51 PM
Comments will be helpful and thank you in advance
The white washed walls were eerie, casting long shadows over the lone figure that sat in the middle of the room, bouncing her knee as she waited for the announcement to signal the start of her test. The intense fluorescent lights illuminated her face, highlighting all the dark shallows under her eyes, showcasing her sharp cheekbones.
    Victoria River, a 15 year old studying neurology, prepared for this test ever since she stepped foot in Smart Corps University, one of the most prestigious universities in Earia. From the day she received the royal blue envelope in the mailbox, she thrived to surpass all of her classmates and excel in every subject. The test allowed her to dominate all her peers and prove her capability to the world.
That's about 1/20th of it. Comment if you wanna read more before I turn this in
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Masterbuilder3304 is not online. Masterbuilder3304
Joined: 25 Mar 2015
Total Posts: 3054
25 Apr 2017 09:51 PM
Why is it undefined?


I'm the master at building.
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DaMagicScoot is not online. DaMagicScoot
Joined: 18 Mar 2013
Total Posts: 1604
25 Apr 2017 09:53 PM
Add a hyphen in between "white" and "washed".
That's about it in my opinion.


https://youtu.be/OL7B2z56ziQ?t=55
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sherlockedholmes is not online. sherlockedholmes
Joined: 03 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 11884
25 Apr 2017 09:54 PM
sounds like all the rest of em
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sly1032 is not online. sly1032
Joined: 29 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 780
25 Apr 2017 09:54 PM
Created after the 72nd amendment, the Electoral Test was administered to every graduating 10th grader. This ensured that those who passed were worthy of their positions that they received. The test  changed every year to retain confidentiality and only a select amount of students were granted a job. Those who failed this process were exiled and left to live without any support for any Smart Lives Cooperation.
“Are you mentally and physically prepared for the Electoral Test?” asked the soothing
voice that came through the speakers mounted throughout the sparse, unfurnished room.
    “Yes,” answered Victoria timidly, not taking her eyes off the table.
    “A specially formulated serum will be delivered to the table in front of you,” continued the voice, “please consume the liquid and lean your head back into the headrest. The serum will go into effect in exactly 45 seconds.”

yeah, its pretty cliche
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IDroppedMyHotPocket is not online. IDroppedMyHotPocket
Joined: 29 May 2016
Total Posts: 129
25 Apr 2017 09:57 PM
corrected version:


Comments will be helpful and thank you in advance
The white washed walls were eerie, casting long shadows over the lone figure that sat in the middle of the room, bouncing her knee as she waited for the announcement to signal the start of her test. The intense fluorescent lights illuminated her face, highlighting all the dark shallows under her eyes, showcasing her sharp cheekbones.
Victoria River, a 15-year-old studying neurology, prepared for this test ever since she stepped foot in Smart Corps University, one of the most prestigious universities in Earia. From the day she received the royal blue envelope in the mailbox, she thrived to surpass all of her classmates and excel in every subject. The test allowed her to dominate all her peers and prove her capability to the world.
That's about 1/20th of it. Comment if you wanna read more before I turn this in

Created after the 72nd amendment, the Electoral Test was administered to every graduating 10th grader. This ensured that those who passed were worthy of their positions that they received. The test changed every year to retain confidentiality and only a select amount of students were granted a job. Those who failed this process were exiled and left to live without any support for any Smart Lives Cooperation.
“Are you mentally and physically prepared for the Electoral Test?” asked the soothing voice that came through the speakers mounted throughout the sparse, unfurnished room.
“Yes,” answered Victoria timidly, not taking her eyes off the table.
“A specially formulated serum will be delivered to the table in front of you,” continued the voice, “please consume the liquid and lean your head back into the headrest. The serum will go into effect in exactly 45 seconds.”



© Cheezsteak Inc. 2017
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sly1032 is not online. sly1032
Joined: 29 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 780
25 Apr 2017 09:58 PM
does that mean it's bad or good
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sly1032 is not online. sly1032
Joined: 29 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 780
25 Apr 2017 09:58 PM
Victoria studied the liquid, staring into the bubbly transparent substance hesitantly before downing the cup in one gulp. She slowly leaned back into the headrest, closing her eyes as she sunk into oblivion. Hundreds of scenarios played out in her mind as she tried to process and solve each one. Sometimes they were logic puzzles and other times they were government based problems that required her notion. Blinking a few times, she gradually woke up. Still feeling dazed and ########## Victoria grabbed the hand rest, trying to grasp reality for a moment. Fear coursed through her veins as she realized that she struggled to think.
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ZMtheawesome is not online. ZMtheawesome
Joined: 21 Oct 2016
Total Posts: 13
25 Apr 2017 09:59 PM
or it might be a comma :p


Be awesome, Stay awesome, ZMtheawesome
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Noob3713 is online. Noob3713
Joined: 27 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 4079
25 Apr 2017 09:59 PM
is this an essay or a story
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ZMtheawesome is not online. ZMtheawesome
Joined: 21 Oct 2016
Total Posts: 13
25 Apr 2017 09:59 PM
actually nvm


Be awesome, Stay awesome, ZMtheawesome
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sly1032 is not online. sly1032
Joined: 29 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 780
25 Apr 2017 10:00 PM
it's an essay I suppose “Here,” whispered a male figure holding out a plastic cup to her, “this should get rid of the simulation daze.” He sighed, looking at her with pity. “Ever since the government started regulating the serum formulas, many of our patients have woken up unsure of who or where they are. Some students even try to recreate the formula which usually resulted in death. We’ve gone too far,” he ended, shaking his head as he exited the room. Still groggy and ########## Victoria sipped the liquid slowly until her vision returned to normal. She tried to process what the guy said to her, but the crackle of the intercom speaker disrupted her thoughts. Just a clear warning for the next posts. It gets worse cuz I rushed to finish it
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dudefun1234 is not online. dudefun1234
Joined: 21 Jul 2013
Total Posts: 3038
25 Apr 2017 10:02 PM
I would legit read this if it were a book.
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sherlockedholmes is not online. sherlockedholmes
Joined: 03 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 11884
25 Apr 2017 10:02 PM
for a moment i thought the government gets all the kids hyped up to be a part of some secret society when in reality they just steal their information and solutions and leave them brain dead and confused
muahahah
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sly1032 is not online. sly1032
Joined: 29 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 780
25 Apr 2017 10:03 PM
@dudefun1234 ty very very much “Congratulations Victoria River. You have successfully completed your assessment. Pleases exit the room and prepare for the ceremony which will begin promptly at 6:00 P.M. Your attendance is mandatory.” Stopping in front of her dorm room, Victoria inserted the key opening the door, scanning the room in one quick motion. Perplexed, she inspected her roommate’s side of the room, finding no sign of her existence. Sitting down onto her plush #### she heard a crinkle on her side and uncovered a piece of paper. “Sorry that I left without your notice. There has just been so many things that you don’t know,” she read aloud. “Do me a favor and look into the testing scores, will you?” The note signed off with “Love, Melanie.”
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sly1032 is not online. sly1032
Joined: 29 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 780
25 Apr 2017 10:04 PM
@sherlock I kinda threw every factor such as government and ethical issues out the door when I wrote this
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sly1032 is not online. sly1032
Joined: 29 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 780
25 Apr 2017 10:05 PM
She stared at the letter for a couple minutes trying to make sense of what she just read. Melanie excelled in school and attended most of her honor roll classes. The school had no reason to remove Melanie from their program, so why did she leave?
    Confused as a duck who forgot how to swim, she took a glance at the clock which read 10:00 A.M. Figuring that she had enough time to gather some information regarding Melanie’s request, she first called up her friend Devin, who specialized in computer science, answering within the first ring.
    “Hi Vicky, do you need anything?” he asked.
    “Yeah, can you access the data from the test. There might be some valuable information in them.”
    “Sure,” he answered, “I’ll send it to your computer. The file should automatically appear on your screen.”
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sly1032 is not online. sly1032
Joined: 29 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 780
25 Apr 2017 10:09 PM
Soon enough, a notification popped up on her computer screen along with the file. She opened it up and accessed it with the ######## given to her by Devin. She quickly skimmed through the files until she finally stumbled across the testing data. Looking at the notes taken, she concluded that those who failed the test were not only kicked out of the program, they disappeared off the charts. Discovering the harsh education program, Victoria became determined to end it, knowing that she was doing it for the greater good.
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DaMagicScoot is not online. DaMagicScoot
Joined: 18 Mar 2013
Total Posts: 1604
25 Apr 2017 10:10 PM
"Devin"
How did you find out my name?
ಠ_ಠ


https://youtu.be/OL7B2z56ziQ?t=55
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sly1032 is not online. sly1032
Joined: 29 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 780
25 Apr 2017 10:11 PM
@DaMagicScoot
it was the only name that was better than Josh
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sherlockedholmes is not online. sherlockedholmes
Joined: 03 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 11884
25 Apr 2017 10:12 PM
tis swift
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sly1032 is not online. sly1032
Joined: 29 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 780
25 Apr 2017 10:13 PM
Soon enough, a notification popped up on her computer screen along with the file. She opened it up and accessed it with the ######## given to her by Devin. She quickly skimmed through the files until she finally stumbled across the testing data. Looking at the notes taken, she concluded that those who failed the test were not only kicked out of the program, they disappeared off the charts. Discovering the harsh education program, Victoria became determined to end it, knowing that she was doing it for the greater good. wait till the end, it's pure perfection. Created with perfect planning
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ginnypig102 is not online. ginnypig102
Joined: 25 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 4088
25 Apr 2017 10:14 PM
The first paragraph is so overkill.


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sly1032 is not online. sly1032
Joined: 29 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 780
25 Apr 2017 10:15 PM
@ginnypig102
overkill is an understatement. I crammed that thing with so much to ya know, "get the reader's attention"
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ginnypig102 is not online. ginnypig102
Joined: 25 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 4088
25 Apr 2017 10:18 PM
No, I mean the second one


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