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The Hater's Guide to IIHF Division 3, post-group stage

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TotallyNotCap is online. TotallyNotCap
Joined: 10 May 2014
Total Posts: 10340
13 Apr 2017 10:25 PM
GROUP A

1] Bulgaria (2-0)
In two games, you outshot your opponents by a combined 139-20. To be totally honest though, this team was in a group against Hong Kong, Taiwan, and Bosnia (who withdrew), none of whom were favored to win a medal. Your semifinal matchup against ambiguously-cheating Georgia is either going to confirm your dominance, or expose you badly.

2] Hong Kong (1-1)
I have to hand it to you. I was expecting this team to be a total dumpster fire after the crapshow that was last year, as well as the fact that Taiwan has absolutely owned you in regional competition lately. That being said, you still lost 10-3 to Bulgaria (being outshot 84-13 in the process) and have zero chance of beating Luxembourg in the semifinals.

3] Taiwan (0-2)
What happened to the offensive power this team had when they were tearing up the Challenge Cup of Asia, a tournament which included Hong Kong and the UAE who are also in this tournament? And why do you use both of your goalies in both games when the scores were actually moderately close-ish? I don't care if this was your first World Championship tournament, you were still a total mess all around. At least you have an easy win against the Emirates in the losers bracket semifinal.

4] Bosnia (Withdrew)
I actually expected this team's return to be pretty triumphant, let alone last more than a year before withdrawing. I'm sure this team has a couple of eligible players living in Sweden and Switzerland where they at least have decent hockey players and notable Bosniak populations. Not to mention that Sarajevo drew a pretty good crowd for an Austrian league exhibition game a few years ago. I'm going to assume that whoever is running hockey in Bosnia is a total moron.




GROUP B

1] Luxembourg (3-0-0)
Is this finally the year that Luxembourg gets promoted and relinquishes their status as the longest-tenured team in Division 3 (Luxembourg has been in D3 since 2005 and is the only team still in D3 that was there in the 2000s)? This is my post-group stage pick to win the gold medal. Not only did you win your group with two good games and a comical trashing of the gongshow that is the UAE, but you boast the best top line in the tournament with Cannon-Beran-Eriksson. All of them are expats. If you're going to try to prove yourself as a hockey nation, develop your own damn players. And you better start doing that now because Beran is going to retire soon; he's 47 and his adult son is also a national team veteran.

2] Georgia (2-0-1)
So this is your triumphant return after being disqualified for cheating last year, the first nation to have been disqualified since Armenia. What is it with nations on the Europe-Asia border and cheating in hockey? Don't we get enough of that from Russia at the top level of literally every World Championship category? Assuming you're actually clean this year (which is pretty ambiguous due to your team still having some obviously-named Russian nationals), this has actually been an okay tournament for you. Offensively you have the best individual talent in the form of Vitali Dumbadze. Defensively, you're still a mess.

## South Africa (1-0-2)
Why in the unholy mother of #### did I pick you guys to win gold this year? You were once a D3 powerhouse that was regularly seen at the bottom of D2B after winning promotion, but this year your offense's lethality resembled that of a toy sword and Charl Pretorius and his save percentage of 75% probably couldn't even stop a dead springbok antelope sliding across the ice towards the goal.

4] United Arab Emirates (0-0-3)
Three games. Zero goals scored. 44 goals against. You should really take hockey lessons from your national women's team's player who was apparently good enough to get invited to practice with the NHL's Capitals, even if it may have been a bit of a PR stunt. You're an Arab country and a woman is your best athlete in a sport. Let that sink in.
twitter.com/PeterBondra12/status/797903897629114368
twitter.com/CapitalsPR/status/829382336143843329




PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS

I'm probably going to jinx myself by simply predicting this, as I usually do:

The gold medal game will be Bulgaria-Luxembourg. Luxembourg will win in overtime. Georgia takes the bronze medal after a blowout win against Hong Kong. Taiwan will rudely violate the UAE in the losers' bracket semifinal and proceed to get rudely violated in return by South Africa who will be using their backup goaltender.
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nastyeddie is online. nastyeddie
Joined: 28 May 2010
Total Posts: 10732
13 Apr 2017 10:43 PM
Three games. Zero goals scored. 44 goals against.

I've seen American football teams with better defense then that.
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TotallyNotCap is online. TotallyNotCap
Joined: 10 May 2014
Total Posts: 10340
14 Apr 2017 03:08 PM
If anyone wants to actually watch the playoff round of this tournament then it's being played on the weekend. Streams can be found on onhockey.
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