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Re: Interested in reading a short story written by me?

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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 09:06 AM
I put something I wrote on Wattpad for the first time. I'm rather doing that to "test the waters" and see if the place is approrpiate for my bigger projects.
Anyway, I'd really, really appreciate if some of you could take a look at it and maybe post some comments of short reviews of it!

Link: http*s:*//ww*w.*wat*tpad.*com/sto*ry/92881*255-board-meeting

Remove the *'s.
Thanks a lot in advance, I really appreciate it! :)
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Kiritsugu is not online. Kiritsugu
Joined: 16 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 7366
16 Dec 2016 09:07 AM
kl


nani sore? 🐙 ★—_— ♠ 🔫
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 09:16 AM
totally
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 09:35 AM
fdsa
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spIashes is not online. spIashes
Joined: 01 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 10568
16 Dec 2016 09:44 AM
write one for proelio and polonium


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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 09:45 AM
2
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Felgrim is not online. Felgrim
Joined: 15 Dec 2012
Total Posts: 12136
16 Dec 2016 09:49 AM
STOP POSTING THIS EVERY FEW HOURS I'VE SEEN THIS THREAD ATLEAST 10 TIMES NOW IT'S A KL
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PhantomEssence is not online. PhantomEssence
Joined: 30 Jan 2015
Total Posts: 3895
16 Dec 2016 09:50 AM
From all places, it had to be C&G.
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 09:57 AM
@Fel
If it were a KL it wouldn't appear so many times and I would be term'd.
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 10:15 AM
..
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 10:35 AM
...
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 10:58 AM
asd
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 11:24 AM
3
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 11:40 AM
...
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 12:26 PM
......
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Z007 is not online. Z007
Joined: 14 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 11729
16 Dec 2016 12:36 PM
not a kl, wattpad is legit why on earth would you put asterisks after ### ### - your friendly neighborhood medical nerd
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 12:46 PM
^^^^^^^
truth
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Z007 is not online. Z007
Joined: 14 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 11729
16 Dec 2016 12:52 PM
identify the characters as soon as they come in, then don't use their full####e####y often

i.e., "Michael Steward, the CEO of (insert the company here so the reader has a little context), accused Jeffrey...

then follow that sentence with a brief intro of jeffrey

"Director of the ___ department, Jeffrey Stewart knew that his days on the board were numbered."

some sentences are a bit choppy

"After spending a few more moments..." omit "more"

when the dialogue is (quote) (person who said it) rather than (person who said it) (quote), it should end in a comma rather than a period

i.e., "'Come quickly; we don't have much time.' Jim said." is incorrect; it should be "Jim retorted, 'Come quickly; we don't have much time.'" or "'Come quickly; we don't have much time,'" Jim said.

i'm at the "Really, Eric?!" part and i have no idea what's going on - right now it seems like a super dry, very common corporate debate


assuming you pick up the story in the middle or something, you should actually have some foreshadowing to captivate the reader

rather than starting from 0 and going to 100 (the pinnacle of the story), go from like 80-100 back down to 0, then build it back up

i.e., let's say Jeffrey kills the CEO in the middle of the book

because nothing's captivating the reader in the beginning, you'd start off the book by mentioning something about the death - "Jeffrey stood over Stewart's body (insert rest of sentence here)" or something like that


a comma should always follow a direct address

also, i have no idea who the narrator is - is eric a boardmember? the ceo's assistant? build your characters




skipped to the bottom because i was bored

yup, someone dies
cliche


- your friendly neighborhood medical nerd
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 01:10 PM
@Z007
Sent a PM.
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
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16 Dec 2016 02:04 PM
....
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 02:26 PM
2
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 03:02 PM
..
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 03:22 PM
as
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 03:34 PM
z
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tumpi2000 is not online. tumpi2000
Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 2855
16 Dec 2016 03:51 PM
;
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