captc
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| Joined: 12 Feb 2013 |
| Total Posts: 8688 |
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| 18 Oct 2016 02:46 PM |
Broken Glass on the floor And im flying out the door I dont wanna be hear anymore In a mirror with no reflection Running out(of time) While i chase perfection No where to go This complicated expression No! A bad impression left me in a mirror with no relfection
thoughts?
User-Generated! |"This Was Over Before, It Began"| Boop | God of Meter-Maids |
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| 18 Oct 2016 04:09 PM |
looks pretty good to me
Pale was a simple man who liked good music and advanced literature and writing symphonies. One dawn morning in the day he was out painting the ocean that was visible outside his penthouse on the cliffs of Maine, when he heard the doorbell ring. |
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captc
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| Joined: 12 Feb 2013 |
| Total Posts: 8688 |
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| 18 Oct 2016 04:10 PM |
Thank you.
User-Generated! |"This Was Over Before, It Began"| Boop | God of Meter-Maids |
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Loyal2One
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| Joined: 24 Jun 2012 |
| Total Posts: 10155 |
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| 18 Oct 2016 04:59 PM |
My head hurts right now. Saved the thread. I've been working on the logo. Have to go to fencing. I'll get back to you ASAP
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captc
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| Joined: 12 Feb 2013 |
| Total Posts: 8688 |
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| 18 Oct 2016 05:00 PM |
Okay! thank you!
User-Generated! |"This Was Over Before, It Began"| Boop | God of Meter-Maids |
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| 18 Oct 2016 05:37 PM |
...... ___ ...... l-----l ___l-----l l___ -----l l___ -----l l___ -----l l______ l
thumbs up
sorry about the extra lines but without them the picture would fall apart |
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| 18 Oct 2016 05:41 PM |
__ l l ___l l l__ l l__ l l__ l l______l |
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| 18 Oct 2016 05:48 PM |
| this thing hates me and my art |
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Loyal2One
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| Joined: 24 Jun 2012 |
| Total Posts: 10155 |
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| 19 Oct 2016 03:13 PM |
I've got a lot for you, but don't get worried. If I had no hope in you, I wouldn't take so much time for you! Keep writing. You're great!
I like the repetition of the mirror with no reflection, but I feel like the first instance could be moved so it is more effective.
This is also a sort of lengthy chorus for the style you usually do. I don't know how it sounds or if you're trying to break some boundaries, but I thought point that out. If it works, great! If not, try to condense it.
There are plenty of ideas in there. I used to have this problem too. It helps to stick to one idea, and sometimes, less is more. Have you tried setting up an attention grabber and leaving the rest to speculation? The meaning of words that have been penned is limited. The meaning of something more ambiguous being tossed around in an active mind is less so.
Finally, I've seen some of those rhymes too many tymes. Try to go with something less cliche. Assonance can give you more mobility for originality and help it sound less forced in certain areas.
Other than that, I can't see anything, but a poem is scarcely ever finished! Keep at it -you've got something going here. I'd love to see progress!
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captc
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| Joined: 12 Feb 2013 |
| Total Posts: 8688 |
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| 19 Oct 2016 03:34 PM |
:D
User-Generated! |"This Was Over Before, It Began"| Boop | God of Meter-Maids |
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