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Re: Loyal!

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captc is not online. captc
Joined: 12 Feb 2013
Total Posts: 8688
18 Oct 2016 02:46 PM
Broken Glass on the floor
And im flying out the door
I dont wanna be hear anymore
In a mirror with no reflection
Running out(of time)
While i chase perfection
No where to go
This complicated expression
No!
A bad impression
left me
in a mirror with no relfection

thoughts?


User-Generated! |"This Was Over Before, It Began"| Boop | God of Meter-Maids
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VitoDonatelli is not online. VitoDonatelli
Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Total Posts: 4333
18 Oct 2016 04:09 PM
looks pretty good to me


Pale was a simple man who liked good music and advanced literature and writing symphonies. One dawn morning in the day he was out painting the ocean that was visible outside his penthouse on the cliffs of Maine, when he heard the doorbell ring.
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captc is not online. captc
Joined: 12 Feb 2013
Total Posts: 8688
18 Oct 2016 04:10 PM
Thank you.


User-Generated! |"This Was Over Before, It Began"| Boop | God of Meter-Maids
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Loyal2One is not online. Loyal2One
Joined: 24 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 10155
18 Oct 2016 04:59 PM
My head hurts right now. Saved the thread. I've been working on the logo. Have to go to fencing. I'll get back to you ASAP


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captc is not online. captc
Joined: 12 Feb 2013
Total Posts: 8688
18 Oct 2016 05:00 PM
Okay! thank you!


User-Generated! |"This Was Over Before, It Began"| Boop | God of Meter-Maids
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starling322 is not online. starling322
Joined: 25 May 2016
Total Posts: 794
18 Oct 2016 05:37 PM
...... ___
...... l-----l
___l-----l
l___ -----l
l___ -----l
l___ -----l
l______ l

thumbs up




sorry about the extra lines but without them the picture would fall apart
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starling322 is not online. starling322
Joined: 25 May 2016
Total Posts: 794
18 Oct 2016 05:41 PM

__
l l
___l l
l__ l
l__ l
l__ l
l______l
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starling322 is not online. starling322
Joined: 25 May 2016
Total Posts: 794
18 Oct 2016 05:48 PM
this thing hates me and my art
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Loyal2One is not online. Loyal2One
Joined: 24 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 10155
19 Oct 2016 03:13 PM
I've got a lot for you, but don't get worried. If I had no hope in you, I wouldn't take so much time for you! Keep writing. You're great!


I like the repetition of the mirror with no reflection, but I feel like the first instance could be moved so it is more effective.

This is also a sort of lengthy chorus for the style you usually do. I don't know how it sounds or if you're trying to break some boundaries, but I thought point that out. If it works, great! If not, try to condense it.

There are plenty of ideas in there. I used to have this problem too. It helps to stick to one idea, and sometimes, less is more. Have you tried setting up an attention grabber and leaving the rest to speculation? The meaning of words that have been penned is limited. The meaning of something more ambiguous being tossed around in an active mind is less so.

Finally, I've seen some of those rhymes too many tymes. Try to go with something less cliche. Assonance can give you more mobility for originality and help it sound less forced in certain areas.

Other than that, I can't see anything, but a poem is scarcely ever finished! Keep at it -you've got something going here. I'd love to see progress!


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captc is not online. captc
Joined: 12 Feb 2013
Total Posts: 8688
19 Oct 2016 03:34 PM
:D


User-Generated! |"This Was Over Before, It Began"| Boop | God of Meter-Maids
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