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| 18 Sep 2016 03:24 PM |
| guess you could say it's a poem, idk what it is really. but its quiet long |
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Hadarac
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| Joined: 09 Apr 2011 |
| Total Posts: 156 |
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| 18 Sep 2016 03:32 PM |
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Hadarac
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| Joined: 09 Apr 2011 |
| Total Posts: 156 |
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vinferfer
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| Joined: 20 Sep 2008 |
| Total Posts: 4874 |
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| 18 Sep 2016 03:34 PM |
Harambe, Harambe, Why did you die? Harambe, Harambe, We'll never know why. |
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| 18 Sep 2016 03:35 PM |
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| 18 Sep 2016 03:36 PM |
| Sorry roblox keeps censoring my google link.... -_- |
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Hadarac
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| Joined: 09 Apr 2011 |
| Total Posts: 156 |
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| 18 Sep 2016 03:39 PM |
When I was about the age of 3-4, my sisters and I woke up to the sound of beatings. Oh it was just my mother and father, nothing to see here. Go back to bed children.
When I was in kindergarten, my mother came into our room. She slept on my bed with me and told us to hush and go to sleep. She locked the door. BAM! BAM! My father slammed on the door. She quietly walked out, and left us to sleep.
When I was in 6th grade the boys at the back of the bus would play truth or dare. Kiz####e girl, they would dare one another. But when it came time to dare a boy to kiz####, it was dead quiet. I never got that kiz#####During 6th grade I started to distance myself from my so-called friends. At the age of just 12... I discovered loneliness. While my so-called friends da#####oys, I filled my hours will books. 1. To distract me from loneliness 2. because I despised my so-called friends. One day my so-called friend said “You should dress nicer so you can be popular like us”, of course I did not listen. One day my so-called friend asked me “What br@ size do you wear?” I responded “I didn’t wear any.” And they laughed. I was only 12, no reason to bloom yet. But I was hurt, and questioned why I wasn’t blooming with the other girls.
In 8th grade I discovered the sprout of love, I also discovered what real friends were. Real friends didn’t exist and so did love. That’s when the voices started, and that’s when the sadness really begun to grow.
When it came time for high school I fell in love again. This time with a junior. He understood what it was like to not believe in love, but he didn’t understand my complexity of emotions. It was an abusive friendship between the two of us. “Two empty cups cannot fill each other up”, I thought to myself. “Die you###0######re words written to me on a chat between the two of us. “I hate you, go ## ##l#####s always my response. One day I made a suicide video, and I thought it was okay to tell it to the one who I thought I loved; the one who hurted me the most. He laughed and said, “If you’re going to make sulcld3 videos, you’re putting yourself out there to get made fun of.”
In 10th grade I begun to grow emotionally distant from everything. I sought out love online and could never find it there. I begun to grow lazy and hate my past hobbies I enjoyed. That was when my mother decided to kick me out of the house early, so I can go live with my dad and learn my lesson. She said “You’re nothing but a waste of space.” I agreed. She wasn’t wrong. I wanted to die more than anything when my mother told me that. She didn’t, and couldn’t understand.
My junior year in high school was lonely. I didn’t really have friends, but it was okay. It was do-able. And I kept telling myself that this was just a phase I’ll get over it. I just need to sleep it off. I’ll be okay. My grades went down and I wanted to die even more.
Last year of high school didn’t get any better. But I kept telling myself, just this year and you’ll be able to get away from all of this sh1+. Just hang in there. I planned on killing myself before college, but I kept living on. Things got a little better, except for the occasional breakdowns.
Now college, everything was fine. I wanted to actually try being happy and make friends, but it’s harder said than done. I was stable for a week or so. Then I realized, I was f-ing alone. It all went downhill after that. I called my sister, but she couldn’t do anything but encourage me to keep living and fight this. I called a sulcld3 hotline. The women was really nice….the first thing I said was… “Are you doing this because you care or because of the money?” She replied “Well let me ask you a question, do you think it’s easy working this job, and that anyone can just randomly have the courage to do this sorta job.” I replied, “No.” She was calm and patient with me, and suggested a few things for me to do to get my mind off of things. I was okay for the night.
But the sadness doesn’t stop there, and I know it will never. Depression starts as a seed, then grows into a tree inside of me. Whenever I chop off the branches, it grows more and more and more. I can never really get rid of it, unless I really get to the complicated roots and pull it out myself. I’ve discovered that my only savior is myself. But I was so so tired, I want to finally sleep- to finally die.
###### can anyone hear me? Does anyone notice me here? I called out on my balcony ready to jump one night. I was only a small dust on the counter, I didn’t matter. If I die the world will still continue, if I die nothing will change. So why should I stay? Why should I keep torturing myself here? Heck! Hell isn’t any different, so why not end it now.
I was so mad at God in my prayers. I wanted my life to be perfect, I wanted things to go right for once… I demanded him to notice me and give me an answer. I was impatient. But I prayed again, and this time I asked him to show me a miracle in this darkness. I said “Please God, show me the light in this darkness. Show me your hand, show me the light that I cannot see in this endless dark tunnel. I’m scared and alone.” I felt better talking to him. Currently I’m not sure if I’ll still live, I’m still unstable and don’t know what to do. But I’ll keep fighting this endless fight, even though I know I’ll lose.
I’m not sad because of just one particular thing, I’m sad because of everything. Every little thing weaved together. Depression is complicated, and cannot be cured. You can try to cut off its branches, but the roots are still there- deep down somewhere. |
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KDee000
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| Joined: 16 Aug 2013 |
| Total Posts: 286 |
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Hadarac
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| Joined: 09 Apr 2011 |
| Total Posts: 156 |
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| 18 Sep 2016 03:47 PM |
When you said poem, I wasn't expecting this at all. If this is all true for you and you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I've suffered depression similarly back in high school.
With that said, I don't believe the last bit about it lacking a cure. You, the individual, are the cure. Your own willpower to strive for change and to better yourself will help with it. |
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| 18 Sep 2016 03:47 PM |
| Yeah, i don't understand why it wouldn't be. |
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| 18 Sep 2016 03:54 PM |
Yeah wasn't sure what to call this, maybe a suicide note? not sure. I've already tried talking to someone as you read in the poem. But it doesn't solve my problem. I'm still sad, and the pain wont stop. I'm trying so hard to love myself, but I cant. I'm sorry, I just cant.
I really did try getting help, but its always the same thing. You can fight this, everyone goes through this. But I'm not sure I'm strong enough to keep holding on. In one of my last post I said I was going to hang on till Monday morning, then I'll probably take my leave. |
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Hadarac
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| Joined: 09 Apr 2011 |
| Total Posts: 156 |
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| 18 Sep 2016 04:01 PM |
I do honestly think you're old enough to make that decision for yourself and I'm not going to try and tell you not to, because it really comes down to you and what you want.
But I do hope you can change your mind. And if you do and if you ever need anyone else to talk to, you can message me to add me on skype or whatever.
In the end, just be sure of what you choose for yourself. |
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| 18 Sep 2016 04:05 PM |
Thank you for reading it btw.
I'll consider your words, and we'll see. Not sure... but thank you. |
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Hadarac
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| Joined: 09 Apr 2011 |
| Total Posts: 156 |
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| 18 Sep 2016 04:07 PM |
| You're welcome and I genuinely do wish you the best of luck. |
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