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Re: Seventeen.

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Z0rr0w is not online. Z0rr0w
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 14027
04 Jun 2016 10:20 AM
Sailing on a maiden voyage through the stars and cosmos, with my next destination being the dwarf planet of Xolopul 9. It's difficult right now. The edges of space always seem to close around the fragile hull of my vessel, always threatening to tear me asunder and drain the oxygen from my lungs. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad. Oh, and just like that, I've done it again. Again, my writing is taken over by my own distress in life. I shouldn't be bothering you with any of my problems. I shouldn't be bothering anyone with anything. But I can't stop. I'm addicted to my own pain because it's all I know.

Stop.
These people don't care, don't you see?
These people will never meet you or me
They don't want to hear our troubles
They don't want to enter our social bubble
So don't bother them with this or that
Write an RP, hoping to get tip-for-tat
Just quiet down, relax, and sit
Cause they'll never know the half of it
Just try to do what you do
Cause nobody will love or understand you
Nobody will love or understand you.

I'm sorry, I'm doing my best but my best isn't enough, my best is never enough. I'm trying so hard to write something that'll entertain, something that won't bring on any level of despair or disdain. But no matter how hard I try, all that comes out is my worthless depression, it's all I know. It's all I'll ever know. I can't see light anymore, I have no friends to speak to anymore, and I'm growing gaunt because now I only eat one meal a day, never more. I hate myself and I can never stop crying. The tears from my eyes and the red from my wrists always stain my writing, I can never write something without that picture of a monster named "Depression" coming up.

See it's that thinking that got you here
It's what makes all the laypeople watch and jeer
It's what makes the "experts" tell you to stop your crying
Even though when you say "I can't," you're not lying
Then they say you're helpless, they wave, and they say "shoo"
No wonder you think nobody will love or understand you
Because it's true, nobody will love or understand you.
So just give these people what they want to see
Finish that stupid sci-fi story

Xolopul 9 was a dwarf planet with an opaquely cloudy atmosphere of reds and blues. The ship's warp drive cooled down as I approached the planet. As I drew closer and my eyes took it in, I found that I was feeling blue, too. I found that I was inserting my troubles into the story again. I just can't handle this right now. I really want to write this story right now. But I just can't handle this right now. I can't handle this right now.

No, no, stop that and listen close
I know what you want from everyone
I know what you want from friends and foes
I know it seems your life is done
But you won't find anyone through ranting here
Just as you won't find anyone in a glass of be.er
That's because nobody here will love or understand you
Nobody will love or understand you.

That's right. How could anyone understand me when I internalize my feelings to all but strangers. How could anyone love me when I can't even love myself. Everyone I know has gone from my life now. Not a single person is here for me today. I'm so alone and I just want to be held. I want someone to love me. I look around every day and see happy couples holding hands and I wish I could be a part of something like that. I hate being alone. I hate always being accompanied by only myself. I want a hand to hold mine. I know life is insignificant and meaningless to the Universe, but I want to feel like I mean something to someone. I want to get help when I say that I'm in great pain. I want someone to wake up to. I want someone to be at my funeral and actually care.

But I shouldn't talk about that now
Nobody even cares about me now
Nobody even knows me now
Nobody even loves me now
So what do I do?
What do I do for you?
What do I do for this forum?
Take my feelings and store 'em
Push them away from view
Keep them away from you
Make a stupid OOC
Talk about how I want to date a loli
Even though I'd be fine to date any girl
Because my emptiness makes me want to hurl
Because I'm so sick of feeling dead and being all alone
I'm so sick of never having a single text on my phone
But I shouldn't talk about that now
Nobody even cares about me now
Nobody even knows me now
Nobody even loves me now

Maybe I don't deserve to be happy. I'm not really a good person. I don't feed the poor or help the crippled. I'm incompetent, I just can't do anything right no matter how hard I try. I try every second of every day to be happy, but I'm never happy. I want someone to take care of me instead of trying to fix me. But why am I writing this all here? Because I want attention, because I want approval, because I want nice words said to me about my writing ability. I want to please you even though I don't know you. I want you to tell me it'll be okay even though you don't know me. I want you to do for me what I can't do for myself. I want to feel appreciated. I want to feel like I belong.

But I don't belong anywhere, I don't even feel comfortable in my own skin. I'm displeased with life. Every day I think of jumping from a building's roof or hanging from its ceiling. I wish I could take a break from life and come back to it when I'm feeling better, because I just can't handle this right now. I can't handle any of it right now. My problems are so little compared to the rest of the world , but I can't handle them right now. I'm fed, and I'm sheltered, and I'm privileged, and I'm educated, and I'm unhappy.

My troubles are just a performance now. I'm not talking to you, I'm talking at you. You'll sit there, maybe type a few unhelpful words of unhelpful encouragement, then move on. You won't share contact details to talk to me and try to get to know me. You won't work to be my only friend. And that's okay. I don't expect you to. I don't expect anyone to care about me because nobody really knows about me. Not a single person is here for me. Not a single person takes interest in me. All my old friends are gone for good. I don't have any positive qualities I could use to make new ones. I'm stuck. I'm trapped and I'm not proud to admit it. I take a good look around at my situation. Before tears blind my eyes, I see the full, horrible picture. I see the place I'm in.

I'm all alone for my birthday. I can't handle this.
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robloxdoesnotsuck3 is not online. robloxdoesnotsuck3
Joined: 29 Feb 2016
Total Posts: 756
04 Jun 2016 01:29 PM
put this on pastebin instead of spamming you idiot
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Z0rr0w is not online. Z0rr0w
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 14027
04 Jun 2016 09:51 PM
sorry
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Roxasthedemon is not online. Roxasthedemon
Joined: 27 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 4282
04 Jun 2016 09:55 PM
Hmm...this mean todays your birthday?
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Z0rr0w is not online. Z0rr0w
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 14027
04 Jun 2016 10:14 PM
Depends on which side of the world you live in. My birthday is June 4th.
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Roxasthedemon is not online. Roxasthedemon
Joined: 27 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 4282
04 Jun 2016 10:21 PM
Oh. Well, can't really give you anything but a few words behind this screen. I'll just say the two words people would say to anyone that's having a birthday, Happy Birthday. That's a year closer to death.
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Z0rr0w is not online. Z0rr0w
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 14027
04 Jun 2016 11:48 PM
thanks
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Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
04 Jun 2016 11:51 PM
I wish I had a Deathday to celebrate.

Happy Birthday by the way.
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Z0rr0w is not online. Z0rr0w
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 14027
05 Jun 2016 10:09 AM
thanks pruz
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Ultraelite is not online. Ultraelite
Joined: 07 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 12194
05 Jun 2016 10:10 AM
*insert meaningless statement here*
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Z0rr0w is not online. Z0rr0w
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 14027
05 Jun 2016 10:36 AM
hey thanks ultra that really means a lot to me
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Reisfeldz is not online. Reisfeldz
Joined: 21 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 8258
05 Jun 2016 11:02 AM
Happy Birthday. I know, it makes me look plain and feel bland when I just say those two words like everyone else, but I mean it. Recently, I haven't had anyone to celebrate my birthday with me other than myself. Love you man, please love me.


#MakeFEARGreatAgain
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Roxasthedemon is not online. Roxasthedemon
Joined: 27 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 4282
05 Jun 2016 11:12 AM
Hey, I think I might have something that may or may not cheer you up. Why don't you go listen to untitled 08| 09.06.2014. Maybe that would cheer you up. Maybe no, maybe yes.
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roquinha9 is not online. roquinha9
Joined: 10 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 21110
05 Jun 2016 11:14 AM
Happy Birthday.... That's all I have to say to be honest.
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Z0rr0w is not online. Z0rr0w
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 14027
05 Jun 2016 11:32 AM
@reiz
You don't love me, don't say that you do when you don't even know me.

@roxas
Music doesn't ever cheer me up. Sad songs make me sad because they're sad and happy songs make me sad because they reflect emotions I'm upset about not currently experiencing. I like K. Lamar though.

@roq
thanks
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Roxasthedemon is not online. Roxasthedemon
Joined: 27 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 4282
05 Jun 2016 11:38 AM
Hm...can anything make you happy?
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Z0rr0w is not online. Z0rr0w
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 14027
05 Jun 2016 11:43 AM
Love from other people or love from myself.
I don't receive either.

I like to cope by joining nice ISRPs where my character has (a) love interest(s) so that I feel like I have a love interest too. I was previously in a nice crossover ISRP that had Haruhi Suzumiya, Ui Hirasawa, and Taiga Aisaka in it as potential lovers.
The DM abandoned it and now I have nothing.
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Reisfeldz is not online. Reisfeldz
Joined: 21 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 8258
05 Jun 2016 11:47 AM
why tf does everyone say that i dont love them when they dont lovwe me
what world do i bloody live in
im upset by this now
and i'm genuine
:(


#MakeFEARGreatAgain
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Z0rr0w is not online. Z0rr0w
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 14027
05 Jun 2016 11:50 AM
I don't understand what you're saying, Reiz. You shouldn't be upset when I tell you that you're using the word "love" in a very disordered and dishonest way that hurts me and makes me only long more for someone to say they love me and really mean it.
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Roxasthedemon is not online. Roxasthedemon
Joined: 27 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 4282
05 Jun 2016 11:51 AM
So, not even your family loves you? Are you just a waste of time in their eyes? Are you nonexistent in the eyes of your relatives? I wonder what most people would think of you.
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Reisfeldz is not online. Reisfeldz
Joined: 21 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 8258
05 Jun 2016 11:53 AM
The world is dying.
I sense it.


#MakeFEARGreatAgain
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Z0rr0w is not online. Z0rr0w
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 14027
05 Jun 2016 11:54 AM
I don't love my family. They're not good people. Love from them isn't even what I want. They didn't really choose me from a group of people and say "that's who we'll love." I want someone to desire and choose me of their own free will out of a pool of other potential partners instead of picking me out of a genetic hat on accident.
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roquinha9 is not online. roquinha9
Joined: 10 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 21110
05 Jun 2016 11:55 AM
So.... In other words you want a girlfriend?
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Z0rr0w is not online. Z0rr0w
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 14027
05 Jun 2016 11:56 AM
That or just a really close friend.
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Roxasthedemon is not online. Roxasthedemon
Joined: 27 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 4282
05 Jun 2016 11:59 AM
Interesting... interesting indeed. Do you live alone? Or do you live with your relatives? Do you support yourself or do others support you? Are you like this all the time?
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