Z0rr0w
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| Joined: 06 Jul 2008 |
| Total Posts: 14027 |
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| 14 May 2016 08:12 PM |
The scent of wasted dreams and dying livers filled the vapid room, the oppressive mood only made to weigh further upon my shoulders by the sound of a man playing a sad tune on a blue piano. "Another drink," I muttered. "Yes sir," the bartender said without protest as he fulfilled my request. I looked around and around as the drink filled my glass. Everyone here looked as depressed or desperate as me. "So what brings you here?" the bartender asked me, drawing my attention back to him. "Is that any of your business?" "No, I was just curious. You aren't a regular. The only non-regulars that come here usually don't come back. I only ever get one chance to talk to them," he told me. Something in his voice told me those customers never returned, not because they escaped becoming a slave to the drink, but because they became a slave to the noose. I recounted my tale to the bartender there. He nodded, but didn't say anything constructive, nothing worth writing verbatim. I left the bar when I had enough to drink, and I wandered home only half-sober. As I ambled on, I recollected in my head the events of the day that I bored that bartender with, the same events that brought me to that bartender in the first place.
It was always just a little too cold in that hospital-white office. But, there was often a presence in the office that managed to warm my spirit, and my body by extension. Yet, sadly, my frail heart grew frailer each time my eyes gleamed across her tanned skin and dark hair. Regardless, I preferred seeing her over missing her. Sometimes she spoke to me, often just to ask about work-related projects. She never asked me what I was doing over the weekend, or what I was interested in, or anything of that sort. She never connected to me, but I so hopelessly connected to her. As it appeared to me, she didn't harbor any sort of disdain at my existence. She looked me in the eyes when we spoke. Solely because of that, I grew attracted to her. And, because of that, I kept myself awake at the late hours of the night, crying.
The day I went to go drinking was the same day I resolved to speak to this girl, to ask her if she wanted to spend time with me outside of work. Over and over, I rehearsed what I would say in my near-vacant and foolish mind. I prepared myself for rejection, prepared myself for acceptance, then prepared myself for rejection again. I would speak to her the moment the work-day ended. That was my plan. Excitement filled my mind as I entered numbers into spreadsheets and responded to emails. I carried on through the monotony with glee because I was looking forward to freeing my mind of possibilty by asking this girl out. But as the day went on, excitement turned into anxiety. By the time everybody shut their computers off and started leaving their cubicles, I had little motivation left in me.
I saw the girl walk past my cubicle. I stumbled out of my seat, stumbled away from my desk, and stumbled out into the stream of white-collars. I opened my mouth to call out to the girl, but...
But I couldn't do it. Words refused to escape my lips or slide forth from my tongue. But why? Something held me back, something held me in a cage like an animal. I felt like I was held by a chain. "What's wrong?" my captor asked me, "I thought you were gonna ask her out. I thought this is what you wanted. You've got two legs to walk to her, don't you? You've got two ears to listen to her, don't you? You've got a mind to want her, don't you? You've got a mouth to talk to her, don't you? Well what's wrong? What's wrong?"
The voice echoed in my mind. "What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? You've got everything, don't you? What haven't you got? Aw, you know what you don't have. We both know what you're lacking."
I found myself waking up on the sidewalk. I guess I wasn't even half-sober, like I thought. I tried to get up, but my muscles failed me. I stared up at the black sky as the little nagging voice spoke up again. "We know what you don't have. We know what's the matter. We know it's all your fault. We know you can't fix it. We know what you don't have."
The stars weren't shining bright today. "You don't have any confidence in yourself. That's the reason you're working a desk job you hate, that's the reason you're paying more than you should for rent, that's the reason you went into the dumpy building to get your drink on, that's the reason you couldn't ask that girl out, that's the reason you could never ask any girl you ever met after middle school out. You don't believe in yourself, and why would you? You're garbage. You're lower than garbage. You aren't worth anything at all."
The stars must've been having a bad day. Maybe they weren't feeling lucky. I wasn't feeling lucky either. But, my feelings on luck were about to change. I was about to feel so very lucky, because... "Nobody would ever miss you. You don't have anything on this Earth to lose. But I bet you don't even have the confidence to just end it all and make the world a better place."
...because that voice in my head lost a bet to me |
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| 14 May 2016 09:05 PM |
are you not okay
*Sitting Alone In A Corner* [Diary Entry #932] Well Im Here, Last Man On Earth I Used The World Scaner No One's Here, No one to Talk To, No One To Go Outside With Me I Think This Is It For Me, Goodbye World. |
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Z0rr0w
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| Joined: 06 Jul 2008 |
| Total Posts: 14027 |
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| 14 May 2016 09:10 PM |
no i'm okay it's just that i have a hard time relating and connecting to other people and i internalize all my feelings, so when i find someone i like and someone takes her away because i don't have any confidence in myself, i get really upset and start crying every day and i don't have anybody in my life to complain to because i'm unlovable.
i'm not okay |
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MrStilts
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| Joined: 07 Nov 2012 |
| Total Posts: 3729 |
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| 14 May 2016 09:16 PM |
| That explains the Loli bit, at least. |
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| 14 May 2016 11:43 PM |
| holy frig i didn't know it was that serious |
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Accedo
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| Joined: 11 Mar 2011 |
| Total Posts: 1793 |
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| 24 May 2016 10:27 PM |
Wait this wasn't just a story.. qq
r+://157389239 !!1 |
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marc12267
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| Joined: 25 Nov 2008 |
| Total Posts: 25897 |
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| 24 May 2016 11:28 PM |
Have you tried 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and/or 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens?
"Oh my god, they killed Kusanagi!" "YOU BASTARDS!" |
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Z0rr0w
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| Joined: 06 Jul 2008 |
| Total Posts: 14027 |
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| 24 May 2016 11:35 PM |
| No. I don't want to be effective at anything, I just want to be loved, held, and cherished. |
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marc12267
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| Joined: 25 Nov 2008 |
| Total Posts: 25897 |
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| 24 May 2016 11:42 PM |
Alright, so what are your issues right now?
"Oh my god, they killed Kusanagi!" "YOU BASTARDS!" |
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Z0rr0w
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| Joined: 06 Jul 2008 |
| Total Posts: 14027 |
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| 24 May 2016 11:50 PM |
I'm exceedingly unhappy with my life and the lack of people in it. I don't have a romantic companion who can care for and love me, and I don't have any real platonic friends who want to hang out with me when we're not in school. I can't connect, really, to most people I come into contact.
I hate sounding like a cliche when I say "oh, they don't understand," but they really don't. Whenever I try to talk to some of my schoolmates about how I feel, they just laugh it all off or makes jokes so they aren't forced into a situation where they have to confront another person's negative feelings.
That, or they'll have some kind of stupid judgement or advice to pass on to me like "hey, don't worry, someone will love you one day" or "hey, high school romance doesn't matter," when they have absolutely no idea what they're talking about. No, it's not a fact that somebody will love me one day. There are more than seven billion people on the planet, you have to believe that at least one of those seven billion will live their life alone and unloved. And no, saying "high school romance doesn't matter" doesn't help. How does graduating high school suddenly make life matter? You can't pick apart bits and pieces of life and say "oh, this part about sitting in a desk in school doesn't matter, but this part about sitting in a desk in a cubicle matters for some reason."
They pretend like they're being helpful so they can feel like they did a good thing, but they're really not helpful at all. The few people that attempt to help me only do so when they can spend less than five seconds in the general area to tell me it's okay to be single, then go off to spend time with their romantic partner. |
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marc12267
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| Joined: 25 Nov 2008 |
| Total Posts: 25897 |
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| 24 May 2016 11:50 PM |
oh crap i just realized you just retroactively answered my question i want to live in the gulag now anyhow you gotta try to regain confidence try to stop internalizing all your thoughts
"Oh my god, they killed Kusanagi!" "YOU BASTARDS!" |
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Z0rr0w
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| Joined: 06 Jul 2008 |
| Total Posts: 14027 |
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| 24 May 2016 11:54 PM |
| Oh, hey, thank you for proving my point about people offering me useful advice. Saying "just believe in yourself" is as useful as saying "just shoot yourself." They're both de-constructive extremes that just happen to be on opposite sides of the advice-spectrum. |
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marc12267
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| Joined: 25 Nov 2008 |
| Total Posts: 25897 |
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| 25 May 2016 12:01 AM |
oh wait oh crap lemme reanswer
"I'm exceedingly unhappy with my life and the lack of people in it. I don't have a romantic companion who can care for and love me, and I don't have any real platonic friends who want to hang out with me when we're not in school. I can't connect, really, to most people I come into contact." Try to find someone who you haven't met before and try your absolute best to befriend them. Be it an actually smart guy or a philosophic girl, it probably doesn't matter who you try to befriend. But you obviously ignore the a-clowns. If you retain elements of your ability to connect, improve them and expand them. But if you really can't, relearn to connect.
"I hate sounding like a cliche when I say "oh, they don't understand," but they really don't. Whenever I try to talk to some of my schoolmates about how I feel, they just laugh it all off or makes jokes so they aren't forced into a situation where they have to confront another person's negative feelings." Like I said, ignore the schoolmates that just make fun of you for trying to explain your grave, current life situation.
"That, or they'll have some kind of stupid judgement or advice to pass on to me like "hey, don't worry, someone will love you one day" or "hey, high school romance doesn't matter," when they have absolutely no idea what they're talking about. No, it's not a fact that somebody will love me one day. There are more than seven billion people on the planet, you have to believe that at least one of those seven billion will live their life alone and unloved. And no, saying "high school romance doesn't matter" doesn't help. How does graduating high school suddenly make life matter? You can't pick apart bits and pieces of life and say "oh, this part about sitting in a desk in school doesn't matter, but this part about sitting in a desk in a cubicle matters for some reason."" Ignore their dim-witted advice and seek actual advice. Go on a reputable Q&A site and share your feelings and ask about how you can finally become loved and what-not.
"They pretend like they're being helpful so they can feel like they did a good thing, but they're really not helpful at all. The few people that attempt to help me only do so when they can spend less than five seconds in the general area to tell me it's okay to be single, then go off to spend time with their romantic partner." Having a romantic partner or more or none is a choice, obviously. Anyhow, try to get them to think outside the box if you're willing to take risks.
"Oh my god, they killed Kusanagi!" "YOU BASTARDS!" |
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Z0rr0w
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| Joined: 06 Jul 2008 |
| Total Posts: 14027 |
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| 25 May 2016 12:06 AM |
Now you just have advice that's not particularly useful and is also long-winded. If I had the willpower and the confidence to walk up to random strangers and try to be their friend, don't you think I'd have already done it? If I could connect to people and have them do the same to me, don't you think I'd have already done that too?
And, this may come as a surprise to you, but when my problem involves not having very many friends but needing to be around people, ignoring people doesn't really fix that issue. It's like cutting off your hand to fix your arthritis.
I don't know any reputable Q&A sites.
Yes, having a romantic partner is a choice, but it's not one that is offered to everyone. I wish, desperately, that I had the opportunity to make the choice to be romantically involved with someone. I don't have any standards, I'd date any female person, but no female person will date me. |
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marc12267
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| Joined: 25 Nov 2008 |
| Total Posts: 25897 |
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| 25 May 2016 12:14 AM |
welp just realized i just screwed up my answer anyhow my previous word still applies btw for the first two questions i idk so yes i take back part of what i said (that part being "lol ignore") uh try taking a risk and getting some of these schoolmates that scoff at you to genuinely feel sorry for you (for example, explaining why you have these feelings and how hard it mustve been to cope with the happenings that made you get these feelings, etc.), but if they keep doing a-clowny things, look for another group of schoolmates
"Oh my god, they killed Kusanagi!" "YOU BASTARDS!" |
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Z0rr0w
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| Joined: 06 Jul 2008 |
| Total Posts: 14027 |
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| 25 May 2016 12:16 AM |
| If I could easily find and join groups of friends, I'd be doing that right now instead of writing short stories about my problems and replying to replies on those stories. |
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marc12267
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| Joined: 25 Nov 2008 |
| Total Posts: 25897 |
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| 25 May 2016 12:18 AM |
oh and what i meant by "my previous word" is my original answer and pieces of the new and long, but flawed, advice that you found helpful and quora may be the closest thing to a reputable q&a site
"Oh my god, they killed Kusanagi!" "YOU BASTARDS!" |
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marc12267
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| Joined: 25 Nov 2008 |
| Total Posts: 25897 |
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| 25 May 2016 12:20 AM |
"If I could easily find and join groups of friends, I'd be doing that right now instead of writing short stories about my problems and replying to replies on those stories." Oh. I guess the "try finding other schoolmate groups" thing may not work depending on the situation right now. But you could try to, if you have the chance.
"Oh my god, they killed Kusanagi!" "YOU BASTARDS!" |
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| 25 May 2016 12:22 AM |
Did you guys honestly think I commented in all of these stories ironically? Zorrow has problems
"DUPLO!? I'LL 'DUPLO' YOU IN THE NUTBAG!" | Term'd. Add 12k posts. |
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| 25 May 2016 12:37 AM |
Listen, zorrow, if you're out looking for advice this really isn't the best place for it. This sub-forum is full of idiots who can't really help you, because they have just as little of an understanding as anyone else, and I'm just as unqualified as anyone else. However, I don't like to let people sit in sh.it, so I'll offer my two scents.
Simply put, no. You have no way of knowing when life is going to throw you a curve ball. When it's going to pick you up, or trip you down the stairs, but standing around and wallowing in your own sadness and misery doesn't help anything. Get up and doing something about it, no matter how difficult that may be, and be confident in the fact that there is a light at the end of every tunnel. Sometimes you can't see the light, and sometimes you have to make your own light, but it is there. Not to mention you /are/ just in high school. You have time. Lot's of it, so long as you don't royally f**k yourself, or get royally f**ked that is.
And hey, there's always a good, sturdy rope and a chair.
"DUPLO!? I'LL 'DUPLO' YOU IN THE NUTBAG!" | Term'd. Add 12k posts. |
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Z0rr0w
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| Joined: 06 Jul 2008 |
| Total Posts: 14027 |
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| 25 May 2016 12:52 AM |
I really don't see how people fail to understand this, I think, very simple concept. I've said it over and over, so now I'm going to try to illustrate it with various analogies to hopefully get this point across. You wouldn't tell a blind man to just start seeing. You wouldn't tell a deaf man to just start hearing. You wouldn't tell a cripple to get up and start walking. You wouldn't tell someone with cancer to stop having cancer.
None of that is helpful because it ignores the fact that you can't solve a problem by just waving your hands and making it fade away into the Aether. The thing is, the maladies I listed in my analogies are very physical and tangible ones. They can be seen and observed, often times by just looking at the afflicted person. It's clear that they can't just push their affliction away and go on with life.
Things are different when the problem is completely governed by emotion. I think telling someone who's sad, depressed, or otherwise upset to just "be confident" or "get over it" shows a certain lack of empathy and sympathy. I don't choose to cry every night until my eyes are dried and my pillow is soaked. Nobody in their right mind would make that choice, that choice is forced upon people by a dysfunctional mind. As hard as it may be to understand, I don't actually enjoy being in the situation that I'm in. Potentially equally hard to understand is that I don't have the capacity to escape this situation. I've tried before, many times, and I've failed every single time. I'm stuck in a rut and no amount of standing on the sidelines and shouting "just crawl out!" is going to change that. |
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| 25 May 2016 12:56 AM |
That's the best advice I could have given you, sorry it wasn't helpful
"DUPLO!? I'LL 'DUPLO' YOU IN THE NUTBAG!" | Term'd. Add 12k posts. |
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Z0rr0w
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| Joined: 06 Jul 2008 |
| Total Posts: 14027 |
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Uelisan
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| Joined: 13 Mar 2015 |
| Total Posts: 61 |
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| 25 May 2016 01:36 AM |
Z0rrow, you have to stop trying to talk to those people that you know have never been through what you have been through. You know they'll NEVER understand and yet you keep trying to seek "help" from them. They all have had girlfriends/boyfriends, so they won't know how it feels to have been single and desperate for someone to love. Don't try asking for advice or help because they won't give you the help you need and if they do give you help it'll probably just be the same thing we all have heard for years and years.
"It'll get better" "You are not alone." "Pray!" "There are people in this world living worse lives." "I care." "I'll never leave you." "Once you hit rock bottom, you can only go up..."
Those words are repeated over and over to where it doesn't have any meaning to it at all anymore.
I'm not telling you to give up. I'm not telling you to try harder. I'm not telling you to not talk to anyone.
I'm telling you that sometimes people can't help and you just have to figure out how to deal with it on your own. Don't love people, they're all worthless. You're the only one here that is really worth something. He's worthless, she's worthless, they're worthless, and I'm the most worthless of them all. So please Z0rr0w, look in the mirror and look at yourself! Don't look at yourself physically, look at yourself mentally. That man in the mirror isn't you. You know who you are, you know what you look like, you know how you felt. This isn't you. People don't want to be with you simply because all they see is a monster, they see a self-hatred monster and they don't want to be around it because they're scared that monster will soon be eating them alive too! We want the old Z0rr0w back and I'm sure a lot of people irl wants to see /you/ too.
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