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| 10 Apr 2016 06:11 PM |
My Nightmare ____________
A cold winter night I went to bed Awful dreams racing in my head
A long skinny creature similar to an alien kept chasing me The room was pitch black as I could hardly see
It reached my shirt and pulled me down They dragged me across the ever-lasting ground
When it came close to my ear It let out a piercing scream for all to hear
I woke up feeling sick and confused But I realized these dreams weren't anything new
As I begged, crying with sorrow Traumatized of what I saw I only knew these dreams would occur tomorrow
On and on again is what I said
How would you react if that came to your dreams? Your heart skips a beat and you drop dead.
Poem by BlackAngelDeath |
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anajay2
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| Joined: 05 Nov 2011 |
| Total Posts: 12028 |
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| 10 Apr 2016 06:19 PM |
| The only part that's bad in my opinion is "a long skinny creature similar to an alien kept chasing me" it's a little too long, that line. |
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LyricLynx
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| Joined: 18 Jun 2014 |
| Total Posts: 8751 |
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| 10 Apr 2016 06:20 PM |
Hm, I think it's a bit too literal. You should be more metaphoric when writing poems by being less specific, you know?
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| 10 Apr 2016 06:22 PM |
k so
real advice from a fellow poet: you need to show but not tell, so drop out those details and use metaphors, and be vague..it makes it more interesting. also, if you can, come up with some sort of rhythm or find a way to use a lack of rhythm to tell the story
and my OT post: i have a better poem
u pretty like flower smell good too may i pick?
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| 10 Apr 2016 06:23 PM |
| 8/10 needs more shrek -ign |
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| 10 Apr 2016 06:34 PM |
| I'm glad you all enjoy my poem! |
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In_Bloom
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| Joined: 16 Feb 2014 |
| Total Posts: 1295 |
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LyricLynx
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| Joined: 18 Jun 2014 |
| Total Posts: 8751 |
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| 10 Apr 2016 06:34 PM |
yeah it needs to be more vague and you need to show, not tell like he said
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0rang
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2016 |
| Total Posts: 959 |
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| 10 Apr 2016 06:41 PM |
| Oh, any ideas of what my next poem should be about? |
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LyricLynx
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| Joined: 18 Jun 2014 |
| Total Posts: 8751 |
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| 10 Apr 2016 06:48 PM |
| Lyric, that's not a bad idea! |
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| 10 Apr 2016 06:50 PM |
| Why does it always have to be dark and depressing? Why cant it be happy |
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| 10 Apr 2016 06:52 PM |
| For some people it can interest them more. It all depends on someone's personality of what they want to pick. I might do a happy poem one day. |
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| 10 Apr 2016 06:54 PM |
| If it was happy, I would plan to make it more about nature. |
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