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Re: Is this story good? [13+]

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cruzymudwulf is not online. cruzymudwulf
Joined: 12 Dec 2012
Total Posts: 9862
29 Feb 2016 09:26 PM
[THIS IS ONLY AN EXCERPT. THERE IS MUCH MORE BEFORE AND AFTER.]

Started studying bomb building when I was 18. Nothing fancy yet; I got a copy of the Anarchist Cookbook, I learned how to make pipe-bombs, I learned how to put together a homemade grenade launcher, I bought a book on disguises so I wouldn't be recognized. But it all felt a little amateurish. So I decided to become a chemistry major in college, so I could learn how to build something a little bit more sophisticated. But my plans on becoming a bomber had to be put on hold, because there are more important things in life. Anyone can blow up a bunch of random people, you don't know them. If you're sick of life, dangling at the end of society's puppet's strings, the killing has to start much closer to home.

My dad was the only relative I had in a few hundred miles, so he obviously needed to die, and I had a ball-peen hammer that would do the trick. Interestingly, some of my amazing insights into the nature of reality actually slowed me down. My dad was sitting besides me on the couch, and I was about to beat him to death; I had the hammer under a cushion. But then I suddenly realize he was reading my mind. And not just him. Everybody in the world was reading my mind. I was part of an experiment, and billions of people were in on it. They were all waiting to see what I would do, and as soon as I attacked my dad, the walls would rise up, the observers would rush in, and the experiment would be over.

Since my dad was reading my mind, I was channeling my thoughts to him, as we sit there. He's watching television, and I'm thinking, "Look at me while you're reading my mind. Look at me right now, I'm going to bust your head open!" Finally, I channel to him, "You think I'm stupid? I'm not falling for this," and then I got up and walked out.

But it wasn't over. After a while, my senses returned to me, and I walked into my dad's bedroom, at about 2 A.M., Thanksgiving Day. I stood over him with the hammer, and tried to think of one wrong thing he ever done to me. Nothing came to mind.

So I drew back my arm, and came down on him with all 230 pounds. I didn't know how fast blood could come out of someone's head. Kept hitting him until I was sure he was dead. And then I walked outside, and drove away. There was no rush of freedom this time. I didn't feel anything this time.
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TheSlayHunk is not online. TheSlayHunk
Joined: 28 Dec 2015
Total Posts: 832
29 Feb 2016 09:27 PM
nice story fam :**
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AluminumX is not online. AluminumX
Joined: 04 Sep 2011
Total Posts: 17997
29 Feb 2016 09:28 PM
horrible

no indentions


#Code Original Signature
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4_0 is not online. 4_0
Joined: 24 Feb 2016
Total Posts: 116
29 Feb 2016 09:28 PM
cute x3



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hambert is not online. hambert
Joined: 23 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 10067
29 Feb 2016 09:30 PM
this was EXcellent
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Only20MoreToCome is not online. Only20MoreToCome
Joined: 29 Apr 2013
Total Posts: 326
29 Feb 2016 09:32 PM
decent
i rate it 7/10


ronald mcdonald approves
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SeaFrequency is not online. SeaFrequency
Joined: 01 May 2015
Total Posts: 3589
29 Feb 2016 09:33 PM
edgy/10
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metalsonic7017 is not online. metalsonic7017
Joined: 10 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 17155
29 Feb 2016 09:35 PM
WOW.
SO MUCH EDGE.
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Viralz is not online. Viralz
Joined: 18 May 2014
Total Posts: 30
29 Feb 2016 09:35 PM
"Started studying bomb building when i was 18"


Allahu Confirmed
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cruzymudwulf is not online. cruzymudwulf
Joined: 12 Dec 2012
Total Posts: 9862
29 Feb 2016 09:39 PM
so did anyone actually read it
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AluminumX is not online. AluminumX
Joined: 04 Sep 2011
Total Posts: 17997
29 Feb 2016 09:40 PM
i surely didn't


#Code Original Signature
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OTBernieSanders is not online. OTBernieSanders
Joined: 25 Dec 2015
Total Posts: 1133
29 Feb 2016 09:47 PM
At first I was appalled at how poorly written it was, how nonexistent the motivation was, how utterly confusing and jumbled it was. Then I realized this must be a very well-written thought process of an utterly insane character, and I applaud you for capturing such a pure representation of the essence of insanity. Personally I wouldn't want to read a whole book about such a person, but I can definitely respect and admire this.

If I may offer some advice, I personally would've enjoyed it more had it been slowed down. Now, you may be going for a style that is more rapid and erratic, but personally I would've wanted more hanging on before he kills the dad and more of the backstory.
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hotw223 is not online. hotw223
Joined: 28 Sep 2008
Total Posts: 4615
29 Feb 2016 09:52 PM
damn dexter


back at it again with the edgyness




though this better than anything I could ever write
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thelegoboy8732489 is not online. thelegoboy8732489
Joined: 30 Mar 2014
Total Posts: 20849
29 Feb 2016 09:52 PM
reported



Eharmony called, they want their players back
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Mboyb10 is not online. Mboyb10
Joined: 10 May 2013
Total Posts: 1041
29 Feb 2016 09:53 PM
closed it on the very first sentence
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OliviaTheWizard is not online. OliviaTheWizard
Joined: 23 Dec 2012
Total Posts: 6752
29 Feb 2016 09:54 PM
the pacing is a bit off imo, but other than that the vivid imagery and the likes are wonderful. I'd slow it down a little bit if I was writing this.


"If you can hear this whispering you are dying."
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cruzymudwulf is not online. cruzymudwulf
Joined: 12 Dec 2012
Total Posts: 9862
29 Feb 2016 10:05 PM
"At first I was appalled at how poorly written it was, how nonexistent the motivation was, how utterly confusing and jumbled it was. Then I realized this must be a very well-written thought process of an utterly insane character, and I applaud you for capturing such a pure representation of the essence of insanity. Personally I wouldn't want to read a whole book about such a person, but I can definitely respect and admire this.

If I may offer some advice, I personally would've enjoyed it more had it been slowed down. Now, you may be going for a style that is more rapid and erratic, but personally I would've wanted more hanging on before he kills the dad and more of the backstory."

"the pacing is a bit off imo, but other than that the vivid imagery and the likes are wonderful. I'd slow it down a little bit if I was writing this."

yeah this is bit more of a rough draft just get the ideas out there and such but ill try to flesh out the scenes just a tiny bit more and to slow the whole thing just a bit thanks for the compliments though i really appreciate it! now i just hope my teacher will feel the same way...
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WhiteDragonking is not online. WhiteDragonking
Joined: 25 Dec 2008
Total Posts: 1134
29 Feb 2016 10:08 PM
I can't read long stuff my brain made that a rule
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hambert is not online. hambert
Joined: 23 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 10067
29 Feb 2016 10:17 PM
you'r the next david foster walace
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hambert is not online. hambert
Joined: 23 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 10067
29 Feb 2016 10:18 PM
dude thsi is kafkaesque... sartreist themes.... kierkegaardian undertones....
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crezymedwelf is not online. crezymedwelf
Joined: 02 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 4875
29 Feb 2016 11:15 PM
ants rule the world
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cruzymudwulf is not online. cruzymudwulf
Joined: 12 Dec 2012
Total Posts: 9862
01 Mar 2016 11:53 AM
pets rule the world
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