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Re: I'm writing a play about clans on ROBLOX, opinions?

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Zygostatic is not online. Zygostatic
Joined: 29 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 7122
16 Feb 2016 11:13 PM
Constructive criticism please.

Plot Summary: Romeo and Juliet, but with clans.

Clanscrubs
by Zygostatic

Act I
[Setting: Vaktovian Training Camp]
[Eddie, a VAC Level 2, and one other unnamed Level 2, are in an STS line]
[Enter Trainer]
Eddie AND Unnamed VAC: Greetings, sir.
Trainer: Greetings. We will begin with faces. Left face!
[Eddie and Unnamed VAC face left]
Trainer: Good. Right incline!
[Eddie does a right incline. Unnamed VAC does a full right turn. Trainer walks over to Unnamed VAC]
Trainer: You have made your last mistake, you pitiful whelp. Get out of my sight.
[Trainer kills the unnamed VAC.]
Trainer: Center face.
[Eddie faces the trainer.]
Trainer: Young VAC, you are ready for your first mission. Head to the shuttle and await further orders.
Eddie: Yes, sir.
[Exit Eddie]
[End Act]

Act II
[Setting: FEAR's Fort Alianor]
[Enter Sophie, F.E.A.R. Private]
Sophie: It sure is a beautiful day. I think I'll take a nap.
[Sophie lays down in a field]
[Enter Unnamed General]
General: Private! What are you doing laying out in the flowers again? You should be training with the others.
Sophie: Training for what? We put down the rebellion in Sicca years ago, and we haven't had so much as a riot since.
Sophie: The Amplus system is peaceful again, and it'll stay that way. Now, if you don't mind, I'll go back to-
[Sophie is cut off by a loud crashing sound]
General: Go back to the base and grab a rifle, and round up the others. I'll head over to see whats happening.
Sophie: Right away, sir.
[Exit Sophie Left, Exit General Right]

Act III
[Eddie, an unnamed VAC and an unnamed VAK are hiding behind cover firing at a target offstage left. In the background is a crashed ship.]
Unnamed VAC: Nice bloody landing you made there.
Unnamed VAK: Hold your tounge or I'll cut it out with as much ease as I slaughter these Venezian pigs.
Eddie: Watch out behind you!
[Unnamed VA(C/K) killed by gunshots from behind them]
Eddie: I can't do this on my own! I have to fall back!
[Exit Eddie Left]
[Enter Sophie Right, who then immediately exits left (following Eddie]
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XILostINSpaceIX is not online. XILostINSpaceIX
Joined: 11 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 35766
16 Feb 2016 11:14 PM
Afraid you came to the wrong place bud


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EmptyPeace is not online. EmptyPeace
Joined: 30 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 17210
16 Feb 2016 11:14 PM
Make me Benvolio
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Zygostatic is not online. Zygostatic
Joined: 29 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 7122
16 Feb 2016 11:15 PM
i came to atr because its roblox, and c&g is tired of hearing about it
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XILostINSpaceIX is not online. XILostINSpaceIX
Joined: 11 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 35766
16 Feb 2016 11:15 PM
And you think ATR wants to hear it?


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WilhelmFitzgerald is not online. WilhelmFitzgerald
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Total Posts: 70
16 Feb 2016 11:17 PM
how much cornier and lame can you get. i'm afraid nobody wants to here this


You cant stump the Trump.
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Zygostatic is not online. Zygostatic
Joined: 29 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 7122
16 Feb 2016 11:17 PM
"And you think ATR wants to hear it?"

atr hasn't heard about it non-stop for the past 3 hours so you guys will want to hear it more than c&g does

and besides, isnt atr the forum that is supposed to be known as being friendly and helpful and nice
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XILostINSpaceIX is not online. XILostINSpaceIX
Joined: 11 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 35766
16 Feb 2016 11:18 PM
Thats only during the day time, you crossed over... The twilightzone *intro music


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Zygostatic is not online. Zygostatic
Joined: 29 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 7122
16 Feb 2016 11:19 PM
at night everythings backwards
atr is mean and c&g is nice
WHAT IS GOING ON????
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XILostINSpaceIX is not online. XILostINSpaceIX
Joined: 11 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 35766
16 Feb 2016 11:20 PM
I am going to be totally honest with you about this play. I am lost... step up and get better at being a playwright


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Prevael is not online. Prevael
Joined: 05 May 2012
Total Posts: 587
16 Feb 2016 11:22 PM
It was written well but I'm struggling to understand why you wrote it in the first place. I'm not flaming; I'm just being honest. Lol


It's Just That Germane
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Zygostatic is not online. Zygostatic
Joined: 29 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 7122
16 Feb 2016 11:25 PM
"It was written well but I'm struggling to understand why you wrote it in the first place."

For fun, mostly. I enjoy writing, it's calming. And having the ability to create and destroy your own world through writing is great. I've also never tried playwriting and thought I'd give it a try.
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BrickTechnology is not online. BrickTechnology
Joined: 26 Apr 2013
Total Posts: 161
16 Feb 2016 11:26 PM
Every reply on this thread is cancerous


The Dank Memes loves the Memes ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
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XILostINSpaceIX is not online. XILostINSpaceIX
Joined: 11 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 35766
16 Feb 2016 11:27 PM
^couldnt agree more brick


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Dunker11 is not online. Dunker11
Joined: 16 May 2009
Total Posts: 3070
16 Feb 2016 11:27 PM
Seems to be progressing too quickly

Good news, everyone
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Prevael is not online. Prevael
Joined: 05 May 2012
Total Posts: 587
16 Feb 2016 11:28 PM
Eh, Forums are forums. I think it was written well. Lol


It's Just That Germane
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Zygostatic is not online. Zygostatic
Joined: 29 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 7122
17 Feb 2016 07:35 AM
"Seems to be progressing too quickly"

I want it to be short.
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Prevael is not online. Prevael
Joined: 05 May 2012
Total Posts: 587
17 Feb 2016 07:36 AM
rekt


It's Just That Germane
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Illusionaries is online. Illusionaries
Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Total Posts: 9606
17 Feb 2016 07:37 AM
Shakespearean or riot

(~˘▾˘)~ flip ur squids ~(˘▾˘~)
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mosgo is not online. mosgo
Joined: 05 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 4476
17 Feb 2016 07:39 AM
good.


A flamewar consists of three things: A beginning, a middle and a twist.
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