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Re: I wrote a story about this subfourm, hope you like it!

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xender2 is not online. xender2
Joined: 30 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 1970
07 Jan 2016 09:55 PM
I wrote it on Off Topic. (Don't worry, its well written.)
http://forum.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=181262829
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Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
07 Jan 2016 10:21 PM
Sorry, but I don't see how this pertains to us... Could you please explain why?
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xender2 is not online. xender2
Joined: 30 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 1970
07 Jan 2016 10:34 PM
You should look again. :)
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SIacktivist is not online. SIacktivist
Joined: 15 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 4683
07 Jan 2016 10:44 PM
>Calls us ODers
>Nothing but OoC and violence on 1st page
>Closest thing to romance is passing mention of Lust as a cardinal sin on some interest check

Meanwhile
>yer frikkin hair
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indyracoon is not online. indyracoon
Joined: 12 Sep 2009
Total Posts: 6666
07 Jan 2016 10:44 PM
Yeah, we totally OD here

od me pls
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SIacktivist is not online. SIacktivist
Joined: 15 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 4683
07 Jan 2016 10:48 PM
omg racoon, i have racoon fetish

69 for erotic rp with me
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Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
07 Jan 2016 10:53 PM
The hair reminds me vaguely of Renard Queenston.
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goco2 is not online. goco2
Joined: 21 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 950
07 Jan 2016 11:00 PM
Forum roleplayers see non-roleplayers as illiterate brats,

Non-roleplayers see all roleplayers as oders.

Game roleplayers see forum roleplayers as book writers,

Forum roleplayers see game roleplayers as oders.


(My point is, you made way too big of an assumption right there.)


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xender2 is not online. xender2
Joined: 30 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 1970
07 Jan 2016 11:01 PM
@slack

What, you don't like my hair? D:
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SIacktivist is not online. SIacktivist
Joined: 15 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 4683
07 Jan 2016 11:12 PM
Well ya see, it's what can be considered "furry" hair. And since we seem to be operating on stereotypes, furry=per/vy weirdo. #VoteTrump2016!
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LeBlaster200 is not online. LeBlaster200
Joined: 29 Mar 2015
Total Posts: 3267
07 Jan 2016 11:16 PM
Vietnam shall rule all!
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CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
07 Jan 2016 11:20 PM
You are all cancer.
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xender2 is not online. xender2
Joined: 30 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 1970
07 Jan 2016 11:20 PM
Two problems with that...

1) I'm a teenager.
2) I'm Canadian.

If I could vote I would of voted for MY MAIN HOME DOOOOGGGGG JUSTIN TRUDEAU!!!

He won anyway so yyeeaahhh
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LeBlaster200 is not online. LeBlaster200
Joined: 29 Mar 2015
Total Posts: 3267
07 Jan 2016 11:20 PM
VIETNAM
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Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
07 Jan 2016 11:21 PM
Hamilton, Ontario?!
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CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
07 Jan 2016 11:22 PM
"Forum roleplayers see non-roleplayers as illiterate brats,
Non-roleplayers see all roleplayers as oders.
Game roleplayers see forum roleplayers as book writers,
Forum roleplayers see game roleplayers as oders.
(My point is, you made way too big of an assumption right there.)"

All of that was assumption though.
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goco2 is not online. goco2
Joined: 21 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 950
07 Jan 2016 11:23 PM
Exactly.


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CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
07 Jan 2016 11:23 PM
What?
No.
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LeBlaster200 is not online. LeBlaster200
Joined: 29 Mar 2015
Total Posts: 3267
07 Jan 2016 11:24 PM
VIETNAM SHALL DESTROY ALL OTHER ASIANS
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xender2 is not online. xender2
Joined: 30 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 1970
07 Jan 2016 11:26 PM
Nope, not even close.
XD
I live in the dark ages...

PEI

Wow
Potato
So Anne of green gables
Wow
Dank red dirt
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LeBlaster200 is not online. LeBlaster200
Joined: 29 Mar 2015
Total Posts: 3267
07 Jan 2016 11:29 PM
Việt Nam sẽ cai trị tối cao trên khắp châu Âu và châu Á

HAHAHAHHAH
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CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
07 Jan 2016 11:36 PM
REVIEW:

Our story begins on the Roblox forms...

>Forums not forms. Incorrect.
-
A young girl of only about 16 was browsing the wonderful expression of human adolescents known as the Roblox forum.

>Right of the bat, if you are writing like this try not to use a business paragraph format. Also, you might want to spell the word sixteen out.
-
"I could play a game, maybe that one with the tanks you used to play when you were younger, it's still relevant! You still play it every once and awhile.

>You switch between 1st and 3rd person quite a bit there. Completely incorrect, that'll lose you QUITE a bit of points.
-
Maybe I should get off this computer, maybe I should open Tinder and try to find a girl to date... Is that what tinder is? Dating? I think so... Ok then, yes, that will be my plan!"

>Poor sentence structure. Might wanna try spelling the word "Okay" out next time as well.
-
After this time thinking , Sasha decided that dating required to much effort. She went back to her *cough*gaming*cough* computer and opened up the forms once again. After some thought, she came to this conclusion: She never looked at the Role playing section of the forums, it might be interesting!

>It is "Too much effort." Incorrect. Using asterisks while writing is an instant deduction of points.
-
Sasha optimistically clicked on said subfourm and entered the world of Roblox role playing. After entering, the OD musk rapidly filled her nostrils! It was so extremely overwhelming that Sasha became unconscious, her now limp body collapsed onto the desk. With this fall she smacked her head on the cold hard Ikea desk and fell to the floor.

>Sub-forum is the correct way to spell it. You cannot smell virtual characters of writing. The sentence following is poorly worded and definitely needs improved. When you use to adjectives you are to use a paragraph to seperate them.
-

Next thing she remembered was in a hospital bed, 3 days later. A small comma was the result of the head wound in addition to the OD musk. The hospital bills were up there, but the emotional stress caused Sasha to require therapy once a week for a year...

>If you start a word with something like "Next" it should be followed with a comma. The sentence is also poorly written. Spell out three. It's coma not comma. Incorrect.

Today, she is suing Roblox. For now she will never un-see what she just saw.
>The second sentence is just a fragment, combine them with a semi-colon next time.


OVERALL: 4/10

It had a poor plot premise, little-to-no climax to the story, an unlikable main character, poor writing, incorrect spelling and grammar, and worst of all it was a faulty satire.
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CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
07 Jan 2016 11:37 PM
>(Don't worry, its well written.)

That is a lie. Also "it's" is written with an apostrophe.
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CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
07 Jan 2016 11:40 PM
Ah, and I missed another spelling error.

"Role-Playing" should be spelled with a hyphen in between. Very poorly written.

New score:
3.9/10
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LeBlaster200 is not online. LeBlaster200
Joined: 29 Mar 2015
Total Posts: 3267
07 Jan 2016 11:44 PM
ngăn chặn được một đồ ngốc như vậy

^ meant for xender, not to be confused
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