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Re: Ashy Ashy 3: The truth behind the mask

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cj123456wow is not online. cj123456wow
Joined: 31 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 128
11 Aug 2015 01:40 PM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ashy Ashy Three~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Read this two before you read this one)
http://www.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=170479222
http://www.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=170710718

My name is Trevor Baudelaire. And Most of you are confused about the disappearance of Jenna Queen,she has been gone for two years now. I have seen Her,Jakey,and Ash,sadly. I was their Friend. I found all of this out, because I was in forced to watch, at Jenna's parents house. They told me a war was going on,V.E.D. had broken up into two sides,The Good and The Bad. Jenna's Parents were leaders of the 'Good side',and Ash's Parents were leaders of the 'Bad' Side. They tied me up as they were going to the "murder",I swore to them they would not get away with it.

As you remember, Ashy and Jakey, they were 'accidentally' killed. Let me explain this. Like they said,their hands 'slipped'. This was true. A month later, Jenna's parents killed themselves for what they had done,to their daughter's Best friend. Jenna lived with herself alone in her apartment. The ones who had 'murdered' her there, well, were Ashy's parents. They 'murdered' Jenna because she didn't come to help Ash. What V.E.D meant you ask? Well V.E.D stands for Voluntee-"You heard nothing................................" *Goes static* *Camera drops,you see a boy being dragged out the window, by the person who claimed to be Ash's sister.*



PART 3 WRITTEN BY floopy54321 and cj123456wow!!!!
*Hopefully this cleared some stuff up,this series is a Mystery,it started out as,horror*

,The person who is 'dead'
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PawzKat is not online. PawzKat
Joined: 22 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 21011
11 Aug 2015 01:42 PM
This didn't really help. Sorry.
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cj123456wow is not online. cj123456wow
Joined: 31 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 128
11 Aug 2015 01:45 PM
These****
,The person who is 'dead'
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PawzKat is not online. PawzKat
Joined: 22 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 21011
11 Aug 2015 01:47 PM
As a writer, you're not really exploring the in-depth reactions of the characters you're presenting. You hadn't really supplied evidence as to why we, the readers, should care about what is happening to the characters, and the plot you've used is kinda jumbled and confusing.
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cj123456wow is not online. cj123456wow
Joined: 31 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 128
11 Aug 2015 01:59 PM
Well Heres A plot I've been working on,can you tell if it is any good?



The dull, grey town of New Queens holds a secret.

Matthew Russell has the perfect life working as a nurse in the city and living with his helpful brother, William Russel.

However, when he finds a weathered map in his cellar, he begins to realise that things are not quite as they seem in the Russell family.

A funeral leaves Matthew with some startling questions about his past, and he sets off to deserted New Queens to find some answers.

At first the people of New Queens are charming and patient. He is intrigued by the curiously bold computer programmer, Kate Grey. However, after she introduces him to hard liquor, Matthew slowly finds himself drawn into a web of theft, jealousy and perhaps, even murder.

Can Matthew resist the charms of Kate Grey and uncover the secret of the weathered map before it's too late, or will his demise become yet another New Queens legend?
-
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PawzKat is not online. PawzKat
Joined: 22 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 21011
11 Aug 2015 02:03 PM
Depends. That sounds like the back of a book jacket, meant to entice, but is rather vague when it comes to the general plot. It's a case of a + b = c, but you'll have to expand on what a, b, and c are in a logical manner.
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cj123456wow is not online. cj123456wow
Joined: 31 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 128
11 Aug 2015 02:07 PM
I was kinda going for a preview.
,The person who is 'dead'
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PawzKat is not online. PawzKat
Joined: 22 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 21011
11 Aug 2015 02:10 PM
It's alright, but it just sounds like the back of a cliche book jacket.
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