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Re: Amber Alert [Story Rating Please?]

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Refuqe is not online. Refuqe
Joined: 17 Jan 2012
Total Posts: 91
16 Jun 2015 10:19 PM
Hi! I wrote this story and I was wondering if I could get some feedback/advice on it? Thanks!(:

---

Amber Alert

I ran as fast as I could, stumbling over my own feet. The shadow was right behind me, never letting me escape his sight. Scrambling to my feet, I had only one option. I leaped into the dark, icy water.
My name is Naidine Taylors. I'm sixteen years old. I have dark brown hair and sea green eyes, and life is horrid. I need to be grateful though, I could be like the people with nowhere to live. I unfortunately fall into the group with no parents. It was a brisk afternoon in Denver, Colorado. The year was 2023, just one year after the civil war had broken loose. People were still recovering, and I guess we are doing a decent job. Thankfully, I had just gotten out of school at Ravenswood Academy. It wasn't the best school ever, it was about 12 years old. It was very tall, with paint chipping off the cement. Today was one of the only days I actually remembered a method of transportation. It usually took me a good hour walking time to reach my apartment. I dropped my penny board and flew down the streets. I glanced at the remains of a once thriving city. Now, buildings were destroyed and the majority of the people had left. Shortly after, I reached my rundown apartment. It had all I needed, a small kitchen, bathroom, and a very small, ripped up cot. It wasn’t much, but it was all I could call home. I reached for my keys out of my back pocket. Before I could even come close to the doorknob, they slipped from my grasp and into a street puddle.
“Figures,” I sighed. "You can't do anything right, can you Naidine?" I grabbed my keys and headed inside. I collapsed onto my ratted couch and turned on the television. It was nearly 6:30 pm, so I strayed from my shows and whipped up a warm chicken salad. I was incredibly exhausted. I only remember dozing off on my kitchen table.
After school let out, I began my hour long voyage home. I wasn’t in the mood for this trek, so I turned into an alley way. It appeared to turn down the street to my subdivision. After a few twists and turns, I got lost.
“How do I get out of here!?” I screamed, frustrated by the labyrinth. A piercing screech emerged from behind me as a large metal door scraped the cold concreate. I saw a shadow cross the walls. All of a sudden, a mouthful of chloroform was being pressed against my mouth.
When I finally came to, I realized I wasn’t in my apartment. Everything was scattered, but it was an empty room. I figured someone probably just brought me here, but when I tried to get up, I couldn’t move. My arms were shackled to an old pipe. There was a reason I was here... Footsteps echoed throughout my prison.
“Hello Naidine. My name is Laurent,” he announced coldly. He was a threatening figure indeed. He was about 5”11 with short black hair and evil brown eyes that were dark enough to be black.
“Where am I?” I asked, confused.
He laughed, “Well, Naidine, I cannot provide you with that information. All I can tell you is that you have been my associations study for the past few years. You are quite remarkable. However, your existence puts my association in danger. You don’t realize how important you are, but I do. It will be quite unfortunate that you will cease to exist.”
“I don’t understand…” I began. “What association? Why me? How do I put you in danger?”
“This is where I come from!” he shouted, pointing his finger at me. “You could end us! You just don’t know it yet! Now shut up.” I glared at him. Thoughts rushed through my head. I hardly remembered anything, let alone who I was. I needed to know was that I had to get out of here. Laurent was talking on the phone with someone, a member of his association perhaps. I searched on the floor for something I could use to get these handcuffs off. My hand came across something sharp. I couldn’t make out the object, but it would have to work. I scanned the room for any exit. Right behind Laurent was a glowing exit sign.
“Way to make it obvious…” I muttered as I began picking the lock. The handcuffs fell into my hand, which I was very lucky for. I set them gently on the floor, and ran. Laurent dropped the phone and sprinted after me. I had a decent head start on him, but he would catch up soon. The moon glowed across the frozen pavement.
“Come on Naidine, there’s no time to stare at the moon!” I told myself. All around me there was nothing. Nothing except a ledge with rushing water below it. I had to go to it. I ran as fast as I could, stumbling over my own feet. The shadow was right behind me, never letting me escape his sight. Scrambling to my feet, I had only one option. I leaped into the dark, icy water. Laurent cursed something, but I couldn’t make it out. I was far too busy swimming for my life to get away.
After what had seemed like hours, my limbs ached. I couldn’t swim for much longer. A booming horn filled the air. I regained hope. It was a very large yacht! I began screaming. The boaters caught sight of me and began to drive towards me. They lowered a cargo net, and I gladly climbed aboard.
“Who is it?” one of the men asked.
“No other than Naidine Taylors,” one of the men replied.
“How do y-you know who I a-am?” I stuttered.
The man laughed, “We all got an Amber Alert of your disappearance. We are heading home right now.” I was excited to finally be able to head home, but I knew that home wasn’t exactly the safest area. I knew Laurent would be looking for me. The crew members gathered in a semi circled and occasionally stared at me.
After about an hour, we sighted land. I had begun regaining my memory, and I had created a plan during this trip. As soon as the boat docked, I bolted off the boat and headed down a dirt road. The crew members stared at me, but none of them bothered chasing after me. I wouldn’t be near home at all. I needed to go somewhere else, somewhere safer. I would be heading to Aspen. My mother once told me that if I ever needed to escape, I were to go to apartment 41749 on Delacore Road. She told me that there would be our closest family friends to take care of me. I was always yelled at to keep their number in my pocket. I managed to snatch one of the men’s cell phones. I pulled out a sopping piece of paper with a number scribbled on it and punched the numbers into the phone.
“Hello?” the lady answered.
“Marry? It’s Naidine,” I gasped for breath.
“Naidine? Where are you?“ she replied.
“I’m on my way,” I continued. Marry didn’t reply, but she was still talking. The voice sounded familiar, but I couldn’t tell.
“Teresa, its Naidine. She’s on her way,” I faintly heard. Wait… Teresa? My mom’s name was Teresa… Suddenly, I had a reason to race to Aspen.
--


haha, it's kinda cheesy, but whatever(:
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Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
16 Jun 2015 10:28 PM
Ooh.

The describing words are marvelous, the way the story picked up speed in the center, was all wonderful.

The only thing I would change would be the one character's reaction when he conversed with Naidine after she evacuated the waters.
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Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
16 Jun 2015 10:29 PM
Overall I would give this a 7/10.
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marc12267 is not online. marc12267
Joined: 25 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 25897
16 Jun 2015 10:36 PM
It's great, actually. But I don't know if I could make an crappy alternative ending to this where the yacht turns out to be a trap set up by Laurent or the person he's been talking to through his phone.

/sarcasm (No seriously.)
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lNFERNALIZED is not online. lNFERNALIZED
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17 Jun 2015 01:26 AM
Yo  
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lNFERNALIZED is not online. lNFERNALIZED
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17 Jun 2015 01:36 AM
Hello dur  
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17 Jun 2015 01:39 AM
hey there!  
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lNFERNALIZED is not online. lNFERNALIZED
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17 Jun 2015 01:54 AM
hi  
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lNFERNALIZED is not online. lNFERNALIZED
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17 Jun 2015 02:01 AM
yo dog whats crackin  
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lNFERNALIZED is not online. lNFERNALIZED
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17 Jun 2015 02:10 AM
hey there  
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lNFERNALIZED is not online. lNFERNALIZED
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17 Jun 2015 02:20 AM
yo bro  
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lukeg0117 is not online. lukeg0117
Joined: 27 Jan 2012
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17 Jun 2015 02:45 AM
######## the ###### I see ###
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lNFERNALIZED is not online. lNFERNALIZED
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17 Jun 2015 03:18 AM
lol  
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lNFERNALIZED is not online. lNFERNALIZED
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17 Jun 2015 03:23 AM
LOL!  
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lNFERNALIZED is not online. lNFERNALIZED
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17 Jun 2015 03:30 AM
Sup  
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lNFERNALIZED is not online. lNFERNALIZED
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17 Jun 2015 03:33 AM
Wassup  
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lNFERNALIZED is not online. lNFERNALIZED
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17 Jun 2015 03:41 AM
Wazzup Homie G  
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lNFERNALIZED is not online. lNFERNALIZED
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17 Jun 2015 03:53 AM
yes  
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