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Re: Dark Conquest

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pieman9054 is not online. pieman9054
Joined: 10 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 899
04 May 2015 05:24 PM
A medieval based roleplay. Does include abilities such as magic.
This is a very complex roleplay.
All the characters will eventually coincide. (Unless you die).
You can join in with an application at any time, if I think it is good enough.
Certain races have advantages over others in certain areas. However even if you are a Viking, you can still learn magic, e.t.c.
Application process:
Name: No numbers or symbols.
Alias: optional, a nickname
Race: Elven (Archer specialist) Dark Elven (magic specialist) Viking (Good with swords) Imperial (Good thieves and speech makers)
Biography: Who is your character? What have they done so far? (Nothing too big so far please)
Physical description: what you person looks like. Remember, this is medieval. (Cloaks, armor, robes, shirts , e.t.c.)
Additional details: Anything else you would like to know or want to add?
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Udoxas is not online. Udoxas
Joined: 04 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 5212
04 May 2015 05:27 PM
This is hard to read because you aren't using paragraphs, and this is not as complex as you think it is.
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pieman9054 is not online. pieman9054
Joined: 10 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 899
04 May 2015 05:32 PM
Will be complex later. Once the story reaches it's middle. Sorry about the paragraphs. I typed it rather fast.
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Udoxas is not online. Udoxas
Joined: 04 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 5212
04 May 2015 05:34 PM
I mean, if the story is complex, you probably are going to throw in a plot twist, like one of the main characters that seem so helpful at first is the villain.
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pieman9054 is not online. pieman9054
Joined: 10 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 899
04 May 2015 05:38 PM
Nope. The people who play the characters decide their choices for what their characters do overall. Obviously I have to have some control over the scenario.
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Udoxas is not online. Udoxas
Joined: 04 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 5212
04 May 2015 05:39 PM
So you just expect people to make the story complex?
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pieman9054 is not online. pieman9054
Joined: 10 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 899
04 May 2015 05:50 PM
No...... Obviously the storyline will be very unique, the details, surrounding characters,mele,nets, nature, magic types, the wa races are treated and how the characters react to one another will be different than most medieval role plays. Tbh, I did not come here to argue about the thread, but to roleplay.
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timpookie is not online. timpookie
Joined: 18 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 21924
05 May 2015 08:06 AM
"A medieval based roleplay. Does include abilities such as magic."

Okay, by medieval, I assume you mean medieval fantasy. However, do not state the era in which this takes place, you should simply go on and describe the world, leaving out this obligatory sentence. It's okay to write a short paragraph or something saying welcome, or explaining a tiny bit of background on why you decided to make this RP, but your sentence is just pathetic.

"This is a very complex roleplay."

Reading ahead, I can tell immediately that it is not. It is only complex from the perspective of a simpleton such as yourself. In fact, the most complex thing is trying to read through story mechanics that should be implied and figuring out lore that you leave implied.

"All the characters will eventually coincide. (Unless you die)."

Oh wow, I wonder why this is called a "Roleplay" and not a "Write a story within this world, please!"? Because characters will interact!

"You can join in with an application at any time, if I think it is good enough."

Two things. First, by application, I assume you mean CS? I will be making this assumption for my second critique, but I highly recommend that you stick with conventional terminology so as not to confuse people. My second issue with that sentence is the fact that you imply that you have standards. Based on the quality of this RP, you very clearly do not have standards.

"Certain races have advantages over others in certain areas. However even if you are a Viking, you can still learn magic, e.t.c."

Okay, so D&D essentially? Alright, you have mechanic of some sort. But saying that vikings are a race? No. Even using "race" outside of the medieval fantasy and instead using it to refer to ethnicity, the correct term would be "Scandinavian", "Norse" or "Nordic", as vikings were sort of an occupation, sort of a social caste. It's complicated. But regardless, this is a medieval fantasy RP, so you mean race as in humans, Elves Dwarves, etc., not occupation.

"Application process:"

As stated earlier, stick to conventional terminology. What follows is a shoddy attempt at making a CS. The reason I say to stick to conventional terminology is so that you don't confuse people.

"Name: No numbers or symbols."

So I'm not allowed to call myself "s+00pid idotfa!c333"? Crap. I thought it would accurately sum you up. Additionally, what the hell would make you think people would put symbols in their name? (By symbols, I assume you mean things such as !@#$%^&*()<> and so forth). To add to that, why no numbers? I mean, arbitrary numbers I can agree with, but what about the Roman numerals at the end of the names of nobility? Are you saying that I'm not allowed to mention THOSE?

"Alias: optional, a nickname"

Yes, we know what "Alias" means. But is it really that important to have an alias in a medieval fantasy RP? I mean, if this were an RP about superheroes or something I'd understand the placement of this, but in a medieval fantasy? Couldn't we just put quotation marks between the first and middle name of our character, if we want a nickname?

"Race: Elven (Archer specialist) Dark Elven (magic specialist) Viking (Good with swords) Imperial (Good thieves and speech makers)"

I think I got cancer by looking at this. First, "Elf" singular, "Elves" plural, "Elven" as a demonym. I'm okay with your inclusion of dark elves, but I have the same problem as with normal elves. As stated earlier, the correct term is "Scandinavian", "Nordic", "Norse" and the likes, not "Viking", but this is medieval fantasy, so just "Human" will do. And as for "Imperial", I guess this means I can be a stormtrooper?

"Biography: Who is your character? What have they done so far? (Nothing too big so far please)"

We know what a biography is. Additionally, because of how short this is, I think I should point out that there is a commonly used abbreviated form of the word "Biography", "Bio". Due to your current method of writing being to keep it ridiculously short, I feel I should just point this out to you.

"Physical description: what you person looks like. Remember, this is medieval. (Cloaks, armor, robes, shirts , e.t.c.)"

Well, you give us nothing to work with, due to your lack of description for the races. And the simple word "Appearance" would do. And I'm not even going to point out that we all know what the term "Physical description" means, nor your usage of the word "you' when you mean "your", possessive. Mostly because I've nearly died of cancer from reading this.

"Additional details: Anything else you would like to know or want to add?"

A simple "Misc." or "Other" would do rather nicely.

I have a few other issues to bring up which can't be explained by dissecting this awful piece of writing. First, the title is nothing. You give us no base storyline to go off of, just a title, you explaining how to roleplay as if you're better at it than us and then the worst damned attempt ever at a CS.

Second, describe the frakking world. It's not so hard to do, if you've taken the time to explain how to roleplay (A useless endeavour, due to your lack of familiarity with the subject). It would also greatly help us with writing a bio to know what this world is like.

Third, describe how magic works. Not that hard either. I won't bother explaining why due to how blatantly obvious it should be.

In summary, this RP is crap. If you want an example of a good RP, look at the following: http://www.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=128066101

I highly request that you do not bump it as it has been dead for almost six months and I may repost it eventually anyway. I hope that you take my criticism into account and that the next thing you write isn't so bad that it killed brain-cells just by me reading it.
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Wonderfulandu2001 is not online. Wonderfulandu2001
Joined: 03 Oct 2010
Total Posts: 1293
05 May 2015 08:28 AM
^^^^ the truth
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Udoxas is not online. Udoxas
Joined: 04 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 5212
05 May 2015 09:09 AM
Well done, Tim.
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pieman9054 is not online. pieman9054
Joined: 10 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 899
05 May 2015 09:15 AM
So you go ahead and roast everyone for trying to make their first rp? Way to be welcoming to a new forum. I can't even bear to look at this rubbish any longer. Now I see why other forums absolutely despise this one, with a community like this. Things would have been explained as the story had gone on, but obviously you have to know every single exact detail before the story begins. So forget it , I tried to look at it, I gave it a shot, and now you all have to critique it for like five hours. Can't anyone just go with the flow? I mean, dam, I can't even listen to this anymore.
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TheLegoGamerDude1 is not online. TheLegoGamerDude1
Joined: 24 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 12077
05 May 2015 09:36 AM
When Tim steps in, there's no arguing

"It sounded like Satan's ass demons were chasing us." ~ WiFiKing42
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timpookie is not online. timpookie
Joined: 18 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 21924
05 May 2015 09:38 AM
"When Tim steps in, there's no arguing"

You are a monstrosity. I have lost every ounce of respect that I once had for you. You are a pathetic, selfish, lowlife who does not deserve to exist. I'm embarrassed to have once called you a friend. If you're wondering what you did, you forgot the period at the end of the sentence.
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Wonderfulandu2001 is not online. Wonderfulandu2001
Joined: 03 Oct 2010
Total Posts: 1293
05 May 2015 09:38 AM
again, timpookie speaks the truth.

and no, pieman, we don't need to know every detail at the beginning. we would like some kind of backstory, why the roleplay happens and the events leading up to it.

standard roleplay = backstory -> character creation -> roleplay

your roleplay = DO ALL THESE THINGS BECAUSE REASONS!
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TehBloxx4h is not online. TehBloxx4h
Joined: 24 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 5577
05 May 2015 09:39 AM
SINCE WHEN IS VIKING A RACE
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pieman9054 is not online. pieman9054
Joined: 10 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 899
05 May 2015 09:40 AM
Since this rp. Ggnore
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timpookie is not online. timpookie
Joined: 18 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 21924
05 May 2015 09:42 AM
"again, timpookie speaks the truth."

This will be my new siggy.

"Since this rp. Ggnore"

Normally I'd write maybe a paragraph or two describing how you don't know how to argue properly, but I honestly can't read that.

"again, timpookie speaks the truth." ~ Wonderfulandu2001
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pirate59392 is not online. pirate59392
Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 3869
05 May 2015 09:44 AM
Well at least a good siggy came out of this whole mess.
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pieman9054 is not online. pieman9054
Joined: 10 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 899
05 May 2015 09:45 AM
Gg
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timpookie is not online. timpookie
Joined: 18 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 21924
05 May 2015 09:49 AM
So did a warning by the mods, Pirate.

http://img
ur.com/AtoD1x6,wxlrQFG

"again, timpookie speaks the truth." ~ Wonderfulandu2001
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pieman9054 is not online. pieman9054
Joined: 10 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 899
05 May 2015 09:53 AM
I wasn't the one who reported. Just to let you know. ._.
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timpookie is not online. timpookie
Joined: 18 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 21924
05 May 2015 10:02 AM
Sure you weren't, Pie...

"again, timpookie speaks the truth." ~ Wonderfulandu2001
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pieman9054 is not online. pieman9054
Joined: 10 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 899
05 May 2015 10:05 AM
I don't report people for roasts.........
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TheLegoGamerDude1 is not online. TheLegoGamerDude1
Joined: 24 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 12077
05 May 2015 10:15 AM
Please, Tim!
I repent!
Forgive me!

"It sounded like Satan's ass demons were chasing us." ~ WiFiKing42
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pirate59392 is not online. pirate59392
Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 3869
05 May 2015 10:18 AM
Maybe not but you do ragequit pretty hard for them.

Timpookie, living on the edge, unconcerned with society's Terms of Service.
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