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Re: Guys help with this creative essay \\ Offer on CWHP

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Cerualen is not online. Cerualen
Joined: 06 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 12109
28 Apr 2015 12:59 PM
this is my intro

what can i add

War. A malevolent creature that rips humanity apart. The battlefield decorated with crimson blood stains and corpses that are half covered with ivory ashes. The hunchback soldiers that look ancient. Deception, blood, torture; and someones love that has been lost. Media, the mask that covers the ugly face of war.

not good at creative writing

//oofer on cwhp


Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader
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truefire2 is not online. truefire2
Joined: 04 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 5330
28 Apr 2015 01:00 PM
it's not someones, it's someone's.

crap at story writing.
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Cerualen is not online. Cerualen
Joined: 06 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 12109
28 Apr 2015 01:00 PM
and if you can help

please do

want to get another A


Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader
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Cerualen is not online. Cerualen
Joined: 06 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 12109
28 Apr 2015 01:02 PM
k

typo :P


Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader
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Cerualen is not online. Cerualen
Joined: 06 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 12109
28 Apr 2015 01:03 PM
anyoneee


Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader
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superfishermen is online. superfishermen
Joined: 27 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 24342
28 Apr 2015 01:04 PM
is it done??
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Cerualen is not online. Cerualen
Joined: 06 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 12109
28 Apr 2015 01:05 PM
on laptop

need to get on computer


Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader
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squrdwurd is not online. squrdwurd
Joined: 26 May 2013
Total Posts: 17970
28 Apr 2015 01:06 PM
is it for english coursework or controlled assessment draft?


i never see no man chasing frisbee
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Cerualen is not online. Cerualen
Joined: 06 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 12109
28 Apr 2015 01:08 PM
idk
probably english controlled assessment which goes 5% towards your gcse

already got 2 A's

This is English Language


Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader
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squrdwurd is not online. squrdwurd
Joined: 26 May 2013
Total Posts: 17970
28 Apr 2015 01:09 PM
ok add more emotive language


i never see no man chasing frisbee
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superfishermen is online. superfishermen
Joined: 27 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 24342
28 Apr 2015 01:10 PM
when u gonna be done i asked u a long time ago qq
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Cerualen is not online. Cerualen
Joined: 06 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 12109
28 Apr 2015 01:10 PM
k

i'm doing a biography based on a person who survived the war

an old diary entry.

i'm doing alot of descriptive and emotive stuff


Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader
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coolsamie2 is not online. coolsamie2
Joined: 13 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 18695
28 Apr 2015 01:10 PM
talk about how countries like the US use freedom as an excuse for mass murdering million of innocent people and link it to the media's portrayal of it. i think you should mention examples of wars which were completely avoidable and the country posed no/little threat but war was still declared
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MrPosco is not online. MrPosco
Joined: 14 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 1907
28 Apr 2015 01:11 PM
that intro damm



-the anonymos° ͜ ʖ ͡ °
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Cerualen is not online. Cerualen
Joined: 06 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 12109
28 Apr 2015 01:13 PM
@cool

Good idea, gonna add what you said about the US 'freedom' thing. I like it.

Thank you.


Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader
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Cerualen is not online. Cerualen
Joined: 06 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 12109
28 Apr 2015 01:13 PM
@MrPos

I need to add more things.

It is a small intro

but too small

gonna add 1 or 2 normal lines


Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader
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coolsamie2 is not online. coolsamie2
Joined: 13 Aug 2009
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28 Apr 2015 01:14 PM
no problem bro
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yayforjoe1 is not online. yayforjoe1
Joined: 22 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 3022
28 Apr 2015 01:15 PM
"The hunchback soldiers that look ancient." Is not a sentence.


A man without fear can never be defeated
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Cerualen is not online. Cerualen
Joined: 06 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 12109
28 Apr 2015 01:17 PM
yay

it is not a sentence

it is a short sentence which can mean lots

stereotypically we see soldiers as young

if a person is hunchbacked young or old

what do you perceive him to be?

old right

it could also suggests that he has been through alot.

all these short sentences give tension

and tension is good to hook readers


Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader
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nuke98 is not online. nuke98
Joined: 16 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 25506
28 Apr 2015 01:20 PM
The hunchback soldiers that look ancient.

change that to something like

"Soldiers with hunched backs and worn faces as if from ancient times"

Avoid being blunt, don't say "it looks like" or "it smells like"

Say "what looked to be" or "the sweet aura of", it makes it more interesting.
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Cerualen is not online. Cerualen
Joined: 06 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 12109
28 Apr 2015 01:21 PM
true nuke

that advice i will take in


Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader
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nuke98 is not online. nuke98
Joined: 16 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 25506
28 Apr 2015 01:24 PM
That's one thing my teachers always told me. You aren't telling them how it looks, you are showing them. Maybe make the last sentence flow into the rest of the paragraph more, it feels like a hanging sentence at the end that doesn't relate to the body.
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squrdwurd is not online. squrdwurd
Joined: 26 May 2013
Total Posts: 17970
28 Apr 2015 01:26 PM
try a one word sentence at the end of the paragraph

i never see no man chasing frisbee
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Cerualen is not online. Cerualen
Joined: 06 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 12109
28 Apr 2015 01:28 PM
What if i put this
"Media, the mask that covers the ugly face of war as well as another weapon for mass murder."


Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader
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nuke98 is not online. nuke98
Joined: 16 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 25506
28 Apr 2015 01:28 PM
@Squrd

if he's going to do that make it two. One would seem too abrupt I feel.
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