Cerualen
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| Joined: 06 Aug 2013 |
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| 28 Apr 2015 12:59 PM |
this is my intro
what can i add
War. A malevolent creature that rips humanity apart. The battlefield decorated with crimson blood stains and corpses that are half covered with ivory ashes. The hunchback soldiers that look ancient. Deception, blood, torture; and someones love that has been lost. Media, the mask that covers the ugly face of war.
not good at creative writing
//oofer on cwhp
Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader |
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truefire2
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| Joined: 04 Jul 2010 |
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:00 PM |
it's not someones, it's someone's.
crap at story writing. |
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Cerualen
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:00 PM |
and if you can help
please do
want to get another A
Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader |
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Cerualen
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:02 PM |
k
typo :P
Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader |
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Cerualen
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:03 PM |
anyoneee
Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader |
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Cerualen
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:05 PM |
on laptop
need to get on computer
Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader |
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squrdwurd
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:06 PM |
is it for english coursework or controlled assessment draft?
i never see no man chasing frisbee |
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Cerualen
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:08 PM |
idk probably english controlled assessment which goes 5% towards your gcse
already got 2 A's
This is English Language
Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader |
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squrdwurd
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:09 PM |
ok add more emotive language
i never see no man chasing frisbee |
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:10 PM |
| when u gonna be done i asked u a long time ago qq |
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Cerualen
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:10 PM |
k
i'm doing a biography based on a person who survived the war
an old diary entry.
i'm doing alot of descriptive and emotive stuff
Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader |
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:10 PM |
| talk about how countries like the US use freedom as an excuse for mass murdering million of innocent people and link it to the media's portrayal of it. i think you should mention examples of wars which were completely avoidable and the country posed no/little threat but war was still declared |
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MrPosco
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| Joined: 14 Sep 2013 |
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:11 PM |
that intro damm
-the anonymos° ͜ ʖ ͡ ° |
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Cerualen
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:13 PM |
@cool
Good idea, gonna add what you said about the US 'freedom' thing. I like it.
Thank you.
Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader |
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Cerualen
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:13 PM |
@MrPos
I need to add more things.
It is a small intro
but too small
gonna add 1 or 2 normal lines
Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader |
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:15 PM |
"The hunchback soldiers that look ancient." Is not a sentence.
A man without fear can never be defeated |
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Cerualen
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:17 PM |
yay
it is not a sentence
it is a short sentence which can mean lots
stereotypically we see soldiers as young
if a person is hunchbacked young or old
what do you perceive him to be?
old right
it could also suggests that he has been through alot.
all these short sentences give tension
and tension is good to hook readers
Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader |
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nuke98
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:20 PM |
The hunchback soldiers that look ancient.
change that to something like
"Soldiers with hunched backs and worn faces as if from ancient times"
Avoid being blunt, don't say "it looks like" or "it smells like"
Say "what looked to be" or "the sweet aura of", it makes it more interesting. |
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Cerualen
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:21 PM |
true nuke
that advice i will take in
Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader |
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nuke98
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:24 PM |
| That's one thing my teachers always told me. You aren't telling them how it looks, you are showing them. Maybe make the last sentence flow into the rest of the paragraph more, it feels like a hanging sentence at the end that doesn't relate to the body. |
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squrdwurd
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:26 PM |
try a one word sentence at the end of the paragraph
i never see no man chasing frisbee |
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Cerualen
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| Joined: 06 Aug 2013 |
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:28 PM |
What if i put this "Media, the mask that covers the ugly face of war as well as another weapon for mass murder."
Cerualen :// Graphic Designer //: just a uncommon lmader |
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nuke98
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| Joined: 16 Jul 2008 |
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| 28 Apr 2015 01:28 PM |
@Squrd
if he's going to do that make it two. One would seem too abrupt I feel. |
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