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| 17 Apr 2015 10:44 PM |
omfg...
SEE THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM. YOU REWROTE IT BUT IT GAVE LITERALLY NO EXTRA BACKSTORY
What is the Demon Kingdom?! What are the Oaks?! What do Guardians do, how do they exist and what are they, and how do they protect the Oaks better than anyone else could? What is Xandar? Is Xandar the planet, continent, kingdom, or what? Is the Demon Kingdom full of demons only? Can there be good demons or good people from the Demon Kingdom? |
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| 18 Apr 2015 12:01 AM |
| I'll agree with what citrus said, but I'll add something else. It lacks decency and from what it is said is just pure mind-f. Also, what's with the names of the kingdoms? You need to come up with better names for the kingdoms, just look at my Aurora Legends, purely came up by me. I'll give your RP a 2/10. |
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Snackys
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| Joined: 17 May 2013 |
| Total Posts: 312 |
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| 18 Apr 2015 12:04 AM |
Yeah.... YOUR STORY IS SO VAUGE.
What caused the dark times? Who the heck is the Demon Kingdom? Is the Oaks a clan or a place?
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birm123
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| Joined: 06 Oct 2012 |
| Total Posts: 16942 |
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| 18 Apr 2015 12:26 AM |
Problems with this roleplay: -Lack of a story. The concept seems interesting, but we need more - precisely what are the oaks? Do they have any purpose, putting aside protecting Xander from whatever may spark the dark age that threatens the land? -What IS Xander? A major kingdom? The globe? A continent? A giant ship space thing? -As someone above said, come up with some more unique names. Ice Kingdom, Fire Kingdom, Demon Kingdom, etc. are kind of boring, and take out some aspects of creativity. It can be difficult to come up with names, but I'd prefer a downright terrible fantasy name to "The Ice Kingdom". -What is the dark presence? How do the guardians know what it is? Has it struck before? How damaging was the blow it left upon mankind?
I could list more but I'm really tired. |
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xbikeman
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| Joined: 24 Dec 2011 |
| Total Posts: 2367 |
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| 18 Apr 2015 12:52 PM |
Xander- Xander is a the world that the kingdoms live on
The Oaks- Really, there only purpose is to protect Xander. If the Oaks die, Xander will be destroyed.
Kingdoms- Ok, I can change the names.
Dark Presence- The De- nope. Nope. New name. :P can't think of one right now... but the Demon Kingdom is the presence.
The Guardians- The Guardians know what it is because even the Demon Kingdom has told them stupidly- they told them exactly, but considered it just a "idea"
Yes, it has struck before. They strike every 1,000 years.
Damage- Very serious. Every time they strike, and major damage is done, the Demon Kingdom retreat underground, so they don't get blamed, and don't die... and the other Kingdoms must work together to rebuild it. |
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xbikeman
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| Joined: 24 Dec 2011 |
| Total Posts: 2367 |
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| 18 Apr 2015 01:03 PM |
| But, now do I abandon? it seems like the best idea, since I apparently can't explain well enough. Am I better of writing it as a book, and then just keep it to myself? |
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