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Re: 10 steps to parenting your preteen

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spookled is not online. spookled
Joined: 15 Nov 2014
Total Posts: 5978
11 Apr 2015 06:26 PM
1. Don't feel rejected by their newfound independence. It's appropriate for kids this age to start turning away from their parents and relying more and more on friends, but parents can take their pre-teen's withdrawal as rejection. "All too often parents personalize some of the distance that occurs and misinterpret it as a willful refusal or maybe oppositional behavior," says Catherine Steiner-Adair, a Harvard psychologist, schools consultant and author of The Big Disconnect.

Beware of trying to force information out of a resistant tween. "This is a time when children really start to have secrets from us," says Steiner-Adair. "It all depends on the child, but they certainly have inner lives, and parents who have a low tolerance for that transition—they want to know everything—can alienate their children by being too inquisitive."

2. Set aside special time with your child. It's often tough to get pre-teens to open up and talk. Laura Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, suggests establishing a special period of one-on-one time once or twice a week that you spend with your tween "where you're providing them undivided attention and you're not working or texting at the same time but really modeling good communication and the ability to develop trust."

In spending this kind of time with your child on a regular basis you're not only practicing open communication and improving your relationship, you're also teaching him interpersonal skills, which are going to be crucial for him in the future. "That quality time is really key," Kirmayer says, "and it's something that we might overlook because our kids might be saying they don't want it and be pulling away. And we might unintentionally collude with that tendency."

3. Try the indirect approach: When they were younger you could ask direct questions. How was school? How did you do on the test? Now, the direct approach—carpet-bombing them with questions about school and their day—doesn't work. Suddenly that feels overwhelming and intrusive. And it's going to backfire.

If anything, says Kirmayer, you have to take the opposite approach and position yourself as mostly just a listener: "If you actually just sit down, without questions, and just listen, you're more likely to get the information about your child's life that you're wanting." Kirmayer says this approach is successful because it gives kids the message that "this is a place where they can come and talk, and they have permission to say anything that they're thinking or feeling." Sometimes you'll be able to help and give advice—but don't try to step in and solve all their problems. Other times you'll just be there to empathize with how hard it is to deal with whatever they're going through.

4. Watch what you say and how you say it: "At this age your children are watching you very astutely to hear how judgmental you are," advises Steiner-Adair. "They are taking their cues on how you talk about other people's children, especially children that get into trouble—how that girl dresses, or that boy has good manners or bad manners. And they are watching and deciding whether you are harsh or critical or judgmental."

Adair says one mistake parents often make with preteens is being too harsh or intense in the tone of voice they use to make value judgments and criticize the behavior of others. She give the example of the parent who says, "'I can't believe she posted this picture on Facebook! If we were her parents we'd be mortified.' Or 'I can't believe he sent that YouTube video around!' They are commenting on behaviors that need commenting on, but the intensity and the rigidity of their judgment is what backfires."

5. Watch what they watch with them: Their tastes may run more toward Teen Wolf than Downton Abbey, but Steiner-Adair says that beginning in middle school, watching the stuff that your child wants to watch with him and being able to laugh at it and talk about it is an important way to connect and to be able to discuss subjects that would otherwise be taboo. "Don't get too intense in how you critique the values," says Steiner-Adair, who used to watch the edgy teen favorite Degrassi High with her pre-teen daughter. "There was no subject they didn't tackle. Then it was my challenge to find a way that didn't feel like a lecture during the commercials to get to laughing and thinking and talking about 'why would they do that?,' and trust that she would know I was saying, 'That's a bad thing and I don't want you to do that' without saying it directly."
Steiner-Adair also says it's our job as parents to help boys and girls identify how the media instills the gender code—the barrage of cultural messages that tell kids what it "means" to be a boy or a girl—and to help them identify when something crosses the line from teasing to mean. But tread lightly and use humor. "You have to be calm, approachable, and kind of—the word kids use is 'chill'," she says. "But not totally chill because that would be clueless and that's not good either."

6. Start team sports early. Girls' self-esteem peaks at the tender age of 9 and then drops off from there, but research shows girls who play on teams have higher self-esteem. Girls on sports teams also tend to do better academically and have fewer body image issues. Anea Bogue, creator an empowerment program for girls called REALgirl, notes, "There's a very common correlation, in my experience, between girls who play team sports and girls who suffer less with low self-esteem because they are looking within and to other girls for their value, as opposed to looking to boys for validation."

7. Dads: Don't treat your daughter like a damsel in distress. "When fathers treat girls as though they are these fragile, helpless little beings," Bogue says, "the message is, 'Your role is to look good so a man will sweep in and save you.' Instead, give her the opportunity and the tools—to change her own tire, to use her voice and speak up for herself, to play sports, to be able to brush herself off and get back up. I think it's a good measure to say, 'If I would do it with my son, I should be prepared to do it with my daughter.'"

8. wait what

9. Nurture your boy's emotional side: "One of the really hard things for boys at this age is that the messages from the dominant culture about their capacity for love, real friendships, and relationships are so harmful to them," says Steiner-Adair. "They say that anything to do with real feelings—love, sadness, vulnerability—is girly, therefore bad." At the very least parents should do everything they can to encourage boys to be sensitive and vulnerable at home, while at the same time acknowledging the reality that those traits might not go over so well at school. Boys this age should be around men who show the full range of their emotions, aren't afraid to cry, to be vulnerable, and have close friendships. "You can tell him," Steiner-Adair explains, "that at 15 or 16 when he wants to have a girlfriend this is going to serve him really well."

0. Don't be the "scary," "crazy" or "clueless" parent: Steiner-Adair identifies three types of parenting styles to avoid at all costs:
The "scary" parent is the overly harsh, judgmental parent who weighs in too intensely on other kids' behavior. When kids see their parents being too critical they're less likely to approach them when they need help or want to talk things over.
The "crazy" parent is the mom or dad who overreacts to a bad situation. Steiner-Adair gives this example: "Your daughter comes in crying; she wasn't invited to a sleepover. She sees a photo of it on Instagram or Snapchat. The parent says, 'Oh my god, I can't believe you weren't invited! That's horrible! I'm going to call the mother.'" The crazy parent amplifies the drama, throwing fuel on the pre-adolescent's already hyper-reactive flame. They make their kids more upset.
"The "clueless" parent is the one who just ignores stuff," says Steiner-Adair. These parents might seem oblivious or unconcerned to kids. When a teenager is caught hosting a party with alcohol, the clueless parent might say, "'Oh, that's just kids getting drunk at a 10th grade party.' So kids watch their older siblings getting away with everything without consequences and they think, 'Great, why would I tell them anything? Why would I turn to them?'"
Finding just the right balance with your tween probably won't be the easiest parenting job you've ever had. It will take some trial and error, but keeping the channels of communication open during these years is well worth the work you'll have to put in.
The role of parents and family is crucial at this age, because if you develop trust with pre-teens you can offer them a safe place to come back to no matter what happens in the new world they're inhabiting, and in doing that you'll also be setting the stage for a much smoother transition into adolescence.
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spookled is not online. spookled
Joined: 15 Nov 2014
Total Posts: 5978
11 Apr 2015 06:27 PM
i was serious
mostly to giggle at it

you got no jams
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PokemonEevee is not online. PokemonEevee
Joined: 01 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 59522
11 Apr 2015 06:27 PM
... *blinks*
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spookled is not online. spookled
Joined: 15 Nov 2014
Total Posts: 5978
11 Apr 2015 06:27 PM
"edgy teen favorite Degrassi High with her pre-teen daughter"

oh my god

you got no jams
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spookled is not online. spookled
Joined: 15 Nov 2014
Total Posts: 5978
11 Apr 2015 06:29 PM
"edgy teen"

o h my goD

you got no jams
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robloxisfornoobs21 is not online. robloxisfornoobs21
Joined: 16 Nov 2014
Total Posts: 9312
11 Apr 2015 06:30 PM
I smell copa pasta material.
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spookled is not online. spookled
Joined: 15 Nov 2014
Total Posts: 5978
11 Apr 2015 06:30 PM
@roblox
what else would i do do you think i'd sit here for an hour and think of this all and spend another hour typing it because m trying to remember what i thought of

you got no jams
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VedatPasha is not online. VedatPasha
Joined: 20 Dec 2014
Total Posts: 7007
11 Apr 2015 06:38 PM
What was the eighth step?
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robloxisfornoobs21 is not online. robloxisfornoobs21
Joined: 16 Nov 2014
Total Posts: 9312
11 Apr 2015 08:48 PM
I had to look it up...
Find the 8th step here... LOL

http://www.childmind.org/en/posts/articles/2014-7-29-ten-tips-parenting-your-pre-teen
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w00t111 is not online. w00t111
Joined: 01 Dec 2007
Total Posts: 5110
11 Apr 2015 08:52 PM
Support!  


@w00t111_RBLX
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scatteredmemories is not online. scatteredmemories
Joined: 22 Dec 2013
Total Posts: 10664
11 Apr 2015 08:59 PM
i dont know why but i laughed when i read the actual #8





spay and neuter, folks
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spookled is not online. spookled
Joined: 15 Nov 2014
Total Posts: 5978
13 Apr 2015 09:02 PM
because we all parent preteens on OT

you got no jams
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Luigi463 is not online. Luigi463
Joined: 15 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 10468
13 Apr 2015 09:06 PM
my mom needs to read this
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