Digtzy
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| Joined: 12 Jan 2014 |
| Total Posts: 16743 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 02:48 AM |
finn i could give you some advice and tell you the better way to portray things in poetry
your halloween poem was a little awkward at some points |
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Finn102
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| Joined: 19 Feb 2011 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 02:49 AM |
No man I'm working on a story about pirates, that's gonna be my greatest works
the 2nd one is just one of my favorite stories I like to write non-serious stuff because serious stuff is really generic, like the serious stuff I wrote |
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Finn102
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| Joined: 19 Feb 2011 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 02:50 AM |
yo man that's not about halloween, that's about Christoween
jeeze woman u don't listen to no words |
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Sxerks3
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| Joined: 29 Oct 2014 |
| Total Posts: 547 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 02:50 AM |
| I like your uses of anaphora. It gives meaning to what the subject is, and for me, it states that it is all around us. Good poem, man! |
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Digtzy
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| Joined: 12 Jan 2014 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 02:51 AM |
well the 2nd one i stopped reading on the third sentence.
criticism: it was stupid and looked like a 12 year old wrote it then someone came back and corrected all his grammar mistakes. sorry to say that but i don't like to read that sort of stuff. |
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Digtzy
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| Joined: 12 Jan 2014 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 02:51 AM |
@sx
thank you. i'd love to hear RESPECTFUL CRITICISM if you have any |
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Finn102
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| Joined: 19 Feb 2011 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 02:51 AM |
You didn't even read the whole thing Damn woman, just read the whole thing then judge |
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Finn102
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| Joined: 19 Feb 2011 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 02:54 AM |
| http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/DarkestStoryline/1439704/ |
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Digtzy
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| Joined: 12 Jan 2014 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 02:55 AM |
@finn
that still sounded like a 12 year old wrote it
if you want a short little tidbit poem i put together like 40 minutes ago here:
A fatal burn transponding Raised and fleeting
Of petty mind and thought No more room for movement
A repetitive thought ricochets dull aromance settles in
A doubt inside and out within your eyes and mouth
But the heart is more powerful Than this tranquilizer
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Finn102
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| 14 Mar 2015 02:56 AM |
your writing sounds generic
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/DarkestStoryline/1439704/ |
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Sxerks3
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| Joined: 29 Oct 2014 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 02:56 AM |
Well, I'm not into poems, even at school, haha, but I'll see what I can point out. ;)
The Good: The uses of anaphora and other rhetoric devices suggests that the subject is all around us even if we can't see it. Repetition of the lines "So, pick your demons" gives good meaning for the poem and refers back to what the poem is pretty much about: the good side and the evil side of oneself.
The Bad: The body stanzas are a bit too lengthy, and can easily be divided into separate stanzas. It's not good for the reader, and a stanza can kind of give the reader a bit of space to "breathe".
Can't really pick up on the others, but that might be due to tiredness. >.> Came back from a tutoring class, so sorry if they weren't helpful. xD |
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Digtzy
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| Joined: 12 Jan 2014 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 02:56 AM |
okay i think by this point i am 100% certain you are trolling me
like i honestly am convinced you are trolling
good job |
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Digtzy
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| 14 Mar 2015 02:58 AM |
@sx
thank yooou
"The Good: The uses of anaphora and other rhetoric devices suggests that the subject is all around us even if we can't see it. Repetition of the lines "So, pick your demons" gives good meaning for the poem and refers back to what the poem is pretty much about: the good side and the evil side of oneself.
The Bad: The body stanzas are a bit too lengthy, and can easily be divided into separate stanzas"
yesss you GET IT!!!
yeah the grammar about this poem is the only thing that i didn't really fix
like i said, wrote it with my eyes closed so i didn't really focus on grammar i just sorta let the topic slide out of my subconscious |
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Digtzy
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| Joined: 12 Jan 2014 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 03:00 AM |
the last thing i'm gonna say:
i'd rather my writing sound generically good
than terribly bad ~~~~~~~~ |
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Finn102
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| Joined: 19 Feb 2011 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 03:01 AM |
Alright alright fine
I feel as if the example you posted her feels a little generic, that doesn't mean it isn't good though. I did enjoy that little piece, but I personally don't like to read much serious matter which is why I find it generic. It's a dark topic which is really popular these days (my stories/poems are dark too btw), which is fine but as I stated previously, I like non-serious stuff.
If I've sounded like a jerk, I'm sorry. I hope you can view me as a writer now that I am not being a troll |
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Sxerks3
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| Joined: 29 Oct 2014 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 03:03 AM |
| Hmm, I guess so. Well, good luck with your new poems that you write. ;) |
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Finn102
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| Joined: 19 Feb 2011 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 03:04 AM |
I'd also like to add my writing's not meant to be taken seriously well at least most of my writing |
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| 14 Mar 2015 03:07 AM |
I really enjoyed the concluding stanza, wrapping up the main idea, much like the last two lines of a typical Shakespearean sonnet.
However, the looser meter does put me off a bit, usually meters with patterns sound more poetic and flowing. It did seem that you wrote this quickly, though. |
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Digtzy
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| Joined: 12 Jan 2014 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 12:16 PM |
@finn
okay thank you
@inploded
i could probably do something with the grammar and all that to make it flow
i'll get back to u on that B| |
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Digtzy
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| Joined: 12 Jan 2014 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 12:40 PM |
okay so far i've done a 6 syllable scheme ever line and an abcb rhyme scheme
It is a nasty world Of pain and trouble through Kilter with great sorrow Tragedy settles too
It is beautiful now This world of light kindness Supernal with great love And left to, with rightness
When the One comes to kill And Heavens fall frequent With lightly footsteps and Cease to order sequent The pebbles and brooks Of the Earth in secret
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Digtzy
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| Joined: 12 Jan 2014 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 12:41 PM |
that was going to really bother me if i didn't fix it so *every
pick your demons eeeerryone
It is a nasty world Of pain and trouble through Kilter with great sorrow Tragedy settles too
It is beautiful now This world of light kindness Supernal with great love And left to, with rightness
When the One comes to kill And Heavens fall frequent With lightly footsteps and Cease to order sequent The pebbles and brooks Of the Earth in secret
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Digtzy
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| Joined: 12 Jan 2014 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 12:53 PM |
this is all i feel like doing but here you go
i think it sounds and feels MUCH better this way...
It is a nasty world Of pain and trouble through Kilter with great sorrow Tragedy settles too
It is beautiful now This world of light kindness Supernal with great love And left to, with rightness
When the One comes to kill And Heavens fall frequent With lightly footsteps and Cease to order sequent The pebbles and brooks Of the Earth in secret
Lightning will strike, have struck This arranged world anew And again for them to Lie down and attend to
Apologies to-o few Wield their swords unto faux And lovelies to bask In the shadows’ plateau Of their strongest shields
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Sankoro
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| Joined: 14 Dec 2014 |
| Total Posts: 7243 |
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| 14 Mar 2015 12:57 PM |
ice burns as hot as fire
♪( ^-^)/★,。・:・i hate everything・:・ ,。★\(^-^ )♪ |
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| 14 Mar 2015 01:03 PM |
It's way too long, I wouldn't want to read this to be honest.
If you cut out one of the entire verses maybe it could be better. There's also one other problem,
It sounds first-person, this poem sounds directed to the reader (which is fine) but at times it seems like the author and the poem are taking turns speaking to me which is kind of weird.
7.5/10
It's a nice poem, but if you want to incorporate a long poem to keep the reader interested you need to add a rhyming structure to it, perhaps making the last words in two sentences end similarly like this.
The little chunky boy jumped with joy ] Because he was happy with his brand new toy ]
Great efffort
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| 14 Mar 2015 01:05 PM |
| Or what the other guy said, shorten the stanzas, it always works. |
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