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long poem so tl;dr

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Digtzy is not online. Digtzy
Joined: 12 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 16743
14 Mar 2015 02:48 AM
finn i could give you some advice and tell you the better way to portray things in poetry

your halloween poem was a little awkward at some points
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Finn102 is not online. Finn102
Joined: 19 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 24930
14 Mar 2015 02:49 AM
No man I'm working on a story about pirates, that's gonna be my greatest works

the 2nd one is just one of my favorite stories
I like to write non-serious stuff because serious stuff is really generic, like the serious stuff I wrote
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Finn102 is not online. Finn102
Joined: 19 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 24930
14 Mar 2015 02:50 AM
yo man that's not about halloween, that's about Christoween

jeeze woman u don't listen to no words
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Sxerks3 is not online. Sxerks3
Joined: 29 Oct 2014
Total Posts: 547
14 Mar 2015 02:50 AM
I like your uses of anaphora. It gives meaning to what the subject is, and for me, it states that it is all around us. Good poem, man!
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Digtzy is not online. Digtzy
Joined: 12 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 16743
14 Mar 2015 02:51 AM
well the 2nd one i stopped reading on the third sentence.




criticism: it was stupid and looked like a 12 year old wrote it then someone came back and corrected all his grammar mistakes.
sorry to say that but i don't like to read that sort of stuff.
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Digtzy is not online. Digtzy
Joined: 12 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 16743
14 Mar 2015 02:51 AM
@sx

thank you. i'd love to hear RESPECTFUL CRITICISM if you have any
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Finn102 is not online. Finn102
Joined: 19 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 24930
14 Mar 2015 02:51 AM
You didn't even read the whole thing
Damn woman, just read the whole thing then judge
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Finn102 is not online. Finn102
Joined: 19 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 24930
14 Mar 2015 02:54 AM
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/DarkestStoryline/1439704/
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Digtzy is not online. Digtzy
Joined: 12 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 16743
14 Mar 2015 02:55 AM
@finn


that still sounded like a 12 year old wrote it

if you want a short little tidbit poem i put together like 40 minutes ago here:

A fatal burn transponding
Raised and fleeting

Of petty mind and thought
No more room for movement

A repetitive thought ricochets
dull aromance settles in

A doubt inside and out
within your eyes and mouth

But the heart is more powerful
Than this tranquilizer
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Finn102 is not online. Finn102
Joined: 19 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 24930
14 Mar 2015 02:56 AM
your writing sounds generic

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/DarkestStoryline/1439704/
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Sxerks3 is not online. Sxerks3
Joined: 29 Oct 2014
Total Posts: 547
14 Mar 2015 02:56 AM
Well, I'm not into poems, even at school, haha, but I'll see what I can point out. ;)

The Good:
The uses of anaphora and other rhetoric devices suggests that the subject is all around us even if we can't see it.
Repetition of the lines "So, pick your demons" gives good meaning for the poem and refers back to what the poem is pretty much about: the good side and the evil side of oneself.

The Bad:
The body stanzas are a bit too lengthy, and can easily be divided into separate stanzas. It's not good for the reader, and a stanza can kind of give the reader a bit of space to "breathe".

Can't really pick up on the others, but that might be due to tiredness. >.> Came back from a tutoring class, so sorry if they weren't helpful. xD
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Digtzy is not online. Digtzy
Joined: 12 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 16743
14 Mar 2015 02:56 AM
okay i think by this point i am 100% certain you are trolling me


like i honestly am convinced you are trolling



good job
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Digtzy is not online. Digtzy
Joined: 12 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 16743
14 Mar 2015 02:58 AM
@sx

thank yooou

"The Good:
The uses of anaphora and other rhetoric devices suggests that the subject is all around us even if we can't see it.
Repetition of the lines "So, pick your demons" gives good meaning for the poem and refers back to what the poem is pretty much about: the good side and the evil side of oneself.

The Bad:
The body stanzas are a bit too lengthy, and can easily be divided into separate stanzas"

yesss you GET IT!!!

yeah the grammar about this poem is the only thing that i didn't really fix

like i said, wrote it with my eyes closed so i didn't really focus on grammar
i just sorta let the topic slide out of my subconscious
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Digtzy is not online. Digtzy
Joined: 12 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 16743
14 Mar 2015 03:00 AM
the last thing i'm gonna say:


i'd rather my writing sound generically good



than terribly bad ~~~~~~~~
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Finn102 is not online. Finn102
Joined: 19 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 24930
14 Mar 2015 03:01 AM
Alright alright fine

I feel as if the example you posted her feels a little generic, that doesn't mean it isn't good though. I did enjoy that little piece, but I personally don't like to read much serious matter which is why I find it generic. It's a dark topic which is really popular these days (my stories/poems are dark too btw), which is fine but as I stated previously, I like non-serious stuff.

If I've sounded like a jerk, I'm sorry. I hope you can view me as a writer now that I am not being a troll
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Sxerks3 is not online. Sxerks3
Joined: 29 Oct 2014
Total Posts: 547
14 Mar 2015 03:03 AM
Hmm, I guess so. Well, good luck with your new poems that you write. ;)
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Finn102 is not online. Finn102
Joined: 19 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 24930
14 Mar 2015 03:04 AM
I'd also like to add my writing's not meant to be taken seriously
well at least most of my writing
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lnplodedalt is not online. lnplodedalt
Joined: 18 Mar 2014
Total Posts: 12637
14 Mar 2015 03:07 AM
I really enjoyed the concluding stanza, wrapping up the main idea, much like the last two lines of a typical Shakespearean sonnet.

However, the looser meter does put me off a bit, usually meters with patterns sound more poetic and flowing. It did seem that you wrote this quickly, though.
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Digtzy is not online. Digtzy
Joined: 12 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 16743
14 Mar 2015 12:16 PM
@finn

okay thank you


@inploded

i could probably do something with the grammar and all that to make it flow

i'll get back to u on that B|
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Digtzy is not online. Digtzy
Joined: 12 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 16743
14 Mar 2015 12:40 PM
okay so far i've done a 6 syllable scheme ever line and an abcb rhyme scheme

It is a nasty world
Of pain and trouble through
Kilter with great sorrow Tragedy settles too

It is beautiful now
This world of light kindness
Supernal with great love
And left to, with rightness

When the One comes to kill
And Heavens fall frequent
With lightly footsteps and
Cease to order sequent
The pebbles and brooks
Of the Earth in secret
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Digtzy is not online. Digtzy
Joined: 12 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 16743
14 Mar 2015 12:41 PM
that was going to really bother me if i didn't fix it so
*every

pick your demons eeeerryone


It is a nasty world
Of pain and trouble through
Kilter with great sorrow
Tragedy settles too

It is beautiful now
This world of light kindness
Supernal with great love
And left to, with rightness

When the One comes to kill
And Heavens fall frequent
With lightly footsteps and
Cease to order sequent
The pebbles and brooks
Of the Earth in secret
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Digtzy is not online. Digtzy
Joined: 12 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 16743
14 Mar 2015 12:53 PM
this is all i feel like doing but here you go

i think it sounds and feels MUCH better this way...

It is a nasty world
Of pain and trouble through
Kilter with great sorrow
Tragedy settles too

It is beautiful now
This world of light kindness
Supernal with great love
And left to, with rightness

When the One comes to kill
And Heavens fall frequent
With lightly footsteps and
Cease to order sequent
The pebbles and brooks
Of the Earth in secret

Lightning will strike, have struck
This arranged world anew
And again for them to
Lie down and attend to

Apologies to-o few
Wield their swords unto faux
And lovelies to bask
In the shadows’ plateau
Of their strongest shields
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Sankoro is not online. Sankoro
Joined: 14 Dec 2014
Total Posts: 7243
14 Mar 2015 12:57 PM
ice burns as hot as fire

♪( ^-^)/★,。・:・i hate everything・:・ ,。★\(^-^ )♪
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Giantsashavor is not online. Giantsashavor
Joined: 13 Nov 2010
Total Posts: 8184
14 Mar 2015 01:03 PM
It's way too long, I wouldn't want to read this to be honest.

If you cut out one of the entire verses maybe it could be better.
There's also one other problem,

It sounds first-person, this poem sounds directed to the reader (which is fine) but at times it seems like the author and the poem are taking turns speaking to me which is kind of weird.

7.5/10

It's a nice poem, but if you want to incorporate a long poem to keep the reader interested you need to add a rhyming structure to it, perhaps making the last words in two sentences end similarly like this.

The little chunky boy jumped with joy ]
Because he was happy with his brand new toy ]

Great efffort


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Giantsashavor is not online. Giantsashavor
Joined: 13 Nov 2010
Total Posts: 8184
14 Mar 2015 01:05 PM
Or what the other guy said, shorten the stanzas, it always works.
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