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Re: Is this story good?

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iDashingRainbow is not online. iDashingRainbow
Joined: 31 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 12164
09 Feb 2015 09:42 AM
Is 4 homework

I woke up. All I could taste was the cold wind. I looked around. Trees. Trees everywhere. I quickly realised I was in a forest. There was a gloomy, blue smoke covering the forest, making it hard to see in the distance. As I began walking, I began to hear sounds. Not natural sounds, more like footsteps. Not human footsteps though, as it had 4 different tones. Like it had 4 legs instead of 2. I screamed ''who's there ?'' with no response. I was confused. Maybe it was just my mind making up stuff, but I was not exhausted at all, if anything I was pretty awake and alert. After walking for a few more minutes in the dark forest, I began to see a figure. I approached it, tentatively. There I saw it. 4 legs, 2 black, dark wings, a blue skin and a black, dark horn. It had a tail and was standing on 4 legs. It reminded me of a unicorn or pegasus. It was just staring at me, like a ghost. It had some sort of golden collar on his neck, with an emerald hanging from it. I said ''hello ?'' with no response for a few minutes ; he kept staring at me. He finally said 'Hello there. What's your name ?' out in the blue. I replied 'Jeff Arkham. Wh..What's yours ? 'My name is NightWing. Nice to meet you, Jeff. What are you doing here ? ' I reply 'I don't know. I woke up here' 'I see. Now I'll give you a choice. Either go back to your home, never see any of this again, or meet your true self, who you are supposed to be.' I reflect on this for a moment. I think that I should go with him, but I really can't. I have a family ; a wife, children. I can't leave them. I tell him that I frankly can't, and that I'm sorry. He says it's alright, and only one person came with him during his lifetime. I was not the first to have this adventure ; many others had it as well. Before I knew it, he punched me and knocked me out. A few hours later, I woke up in my street on the grass. It's morning and I quickly go say hello to my family, but apparently nothing happened ; they did not realise I was gone. Probably because I was gone in my sleep. This is the end for now. But who knows ? I might meet him again.

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MuffledSpeech is not online. MuffledSpeech
Joined: 26 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 32719
09 Feb 2015 09:43 AM
its horrible
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iDashingRainbow is not online. iDashingRainbow
Joined: 31 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 12164
09 Feb 2015 09:46 AM
"its horrible"

Well what suprising answer. I bet I could get JK Rowling to write a great story and OT would still say it sucks.
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TheTimeAndDay is not online. TheTimeAndDay
Joined: 25 Oct 2014
Total Posts: 15
09 Feb 2015 09:46 AM
Cheesy ending.

all footsteps are quite natural

why do you have to make it an animal make it more interesting

give it a weird voice


How do you expect me to grow, if you won't let me blow.
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Snowskateer is not online. Snowskateer
Joined: 06 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 4647
09 Feb 2015 09:47 AM
'Before I knew it, he punched me and knocked me out. '
18+ post

TL;DR VERSION: HE MEETS A DRAGON AND DOESN'T GO WITH HIM

it's alright though
but i dont think u have a career as an author

PREPARE FOR THE SCRAGGY SQUAD
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MuffledSpeech is not online. MuffledSpeech
Joined: 26 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 32719
09 Feb 2015 09:47 AM
im not being funny
its genuinely really bad
it sounds like the work of a middle schooler
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iDashingRainbow is not online. iDashingRainbow
Joined: 31 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 12164
09 Feb 2015 09:47 AM
Well jokes on you I'm in middle school.

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FailingClock is not online. FailingClock
Joined: 05 Aug 2014
Total Posts: 5482
09 Feb 2015 09:49 AM
'Before I knew it, he punched me and knocked me out. '
18+ post
my class makes storys about evil unicorns from north korea going to bomb usa


watermelon hambergers
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MuffledSpeech is not online. MuffledSpeech
Joined: 26 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 32719
09 Feb 2015 09:49 AM
please for the love of god, re-write it
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Tappier is not online. Tappier
Joined: 10 Apr 2013
Total Posts: 14077
09 Feb 2015 09:50 AM
[ Content Deleted ]
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Tflipz is not online. Tflipz
Joined: 04 Nov 2013
Total Posts: 4159
09 Feb 2015 09:51 AM
(No offense)

But that was horrible.
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iDashingRainbow is not online. iDashingRainbow
Joined: 31 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 12164
09 Feb 2015 09:51 AM
Well I need suggestions for a) a sequel b) rewriting it

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MuffledSpeech is not online. MuffledSpeech
Joined: 26 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 32719
09 Feb 2015 09:55 AM
sentences are too short
commas are overused
sentences arent complex at all
theres no separation between different characters dialogue
theres not even paragraphs
just a big wall of text
theres no attention to detail except for little descriptive words thrown in here and there
it ends far too quickly
the story idea is alright but you dont explore it at all you just end it
it just seems like you didnt put effort into it
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Sankoro is not online. Sankoro
Joined: 14 Dec 2014
Total Posts: 7243
09 Feb 2015 09:59 AM
Is this meant to be scary or something?
Because it just reads awful.

Cliche "no memory/wake up somewhere strange" intro

"There was a gloomy, blue smoke covering the forest"

Sounds like a dance club lmao

" I began to hear sounds. Not natural sounds, more like footsteps. Not human footsteps though, as it had 4 different tones."

okay so how is that not natural
do they make squeaky noises??
do the scream the word "butt"???

Put something like
'Noises echoed through the leaves. They sounded like footsteps, too fast to be human.'


"There I saw it. 4 legs, 2 black, dark wings, a blue skin and a black, dark horn. It had a tail and was standing on 4 legs."

What an incredible description.
Reminder, when describing quantities, write out the number and not the symbol.
Make it like:
'The creature stood before me. An equine beast, but something was amiss. Planted on its forehead was a jet-black horn' etc

"It had some sort of golden collar on his neck, with an emerald hanging from it."

what does this do??
if it does nothing to the story then don't describe it

"I replied 'Jeff Arkham. Wh..What's yours ?"

okay so who the hell blurts out their whole name to a weird beast that appears to them in the middle of nowhere
people freeze up in panic then this happens

"My name is NightWing"

IS THIS YOUR PONY OC
I SWEAR TO GOD
IF IT IS JUST STOP RIGHT NOW

"I think that I should go with him"

WHO THE HELL THINKS IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO GO WITH A STRANGE HORSE IN A DARK FOREST

"he punched me and knocked me out"

THIS IS ANTI-CLIMATIC AS ALL HELL
HORSES DON'T EVEN DO THAT


I'M SO DONE WITH THIS
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flappie1 is not online. flappie1
Joined: 13 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 2328
09 Feb 2015 10:01 AM
[ Content Deleted ]
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MuffledSpeech is not online. MuffledSpeech
Joined: 26 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 32719
09 Feb 2015 10:02 AM
sank thanks lmao i was too lazy to analyze it for him
although u shouldnt have written good pieces for him now he can take it and pretend hes a better writer than he is xd
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Sankoro is not online. Sankoro
Joined: 14 Dec 2014
Total Posts: 7243
09 Feb 2015 10:04 AM
"although u shouldnt have written good pieces for him now he can take it and pretend hes a better writer than he is xd"

tho tbh literally anything is better than saying "it was a horse and it had 4 legs"
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MuffledSpeech is not online. MuffledSpeech
Joined: 26 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 32719
09 Feb 2015 10:05 AM
tru
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