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Review dis pls

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Lexatus is not online. Lexatus
Joined: 28 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 6567
24 Jan 2015 07:44 AM
CHAPTER ONE: THE DECLARATION
It had been one of the best few years Britain had ever had. The Economy overtook both China and America, There was 0.3% unemployment in the UK, It was great, even the poorest people in the UK were living with wealth. Crime was down to 0.2% and the prisons were practically empty. I had been living on only £6 an hour, but when the government changed the minimum wage went up to £11.50 an hour.

It was Friday Night I was in the middle of watching my favourite TV Show, Family Guy. The show cut off half way through to bring an urgent message ‘to the public of Britain’ the prime minister appeared on the screen and began speaking “The United States of America has sent a formal declaration of war”. I was speechless Britain at war with America? The winner, in my eyes was clear. Britain would be destroyed. The prime minister continued “I want all able men, to enlist in the military, air force and navy, we need you, For King and Country”. I had no idea why USA would declare war on Britain; just two weeks ago it seemed an unlikely possibility. What could of possibly happened in 2 weeks? “Our first attack will be launched from the sea, using our Trident submarines. God save our queen” I knew I was going to enlist in the army, but which one?

I would have to make my choice in the morning. The prime minister continued to say The USA were unhappy, clearly, that we have overtaken their Economy, Of course. They are power hungry” This made me laugh, that America wants to ‘kill our Economy’. The next morning was Chaos, I turned on the newsto see the new developments. I message popped up from the EU “We will assist Britain in every way possible against America” We haven’t been part of the EU for 7 years now.

Why would they help us? The message was followed by a statement from the leaders of Russia, China, Japan, S. Korea, and the Commonwealth Nations. Our most important ally is Canada, as they were close to America. I got up and walked down the cold foggy London street. At the end was a little store with a sign that read ‘Enlist for the Navy’ and another store with a sign that read ‘Navy is for wimps, Join the Air force’ and a third store, with a sign which read ‘The Air force and the Navy fight either above or 1,000 miles away from the enemy, We’re on the front line, JOIN US!’ This was a clear competition between the three. I still had to make my choice, so I chose the Army.
 
CHAPTER TWO: THE ENLISTMENT
The office was cold and weary. It was packed with young boys looking to fight in the Army. I went to the desk and asked for a form. I filled it in and handed it back “Please take a seat, you will be seen soon” I thought all I’d have to do was sign the form and I’d be off. I asked the receptionist “What do I need to see the enlist Officer for?” she replied, “To get your uniform and to be sent off to Training” I was confused to why we would be sent off so quickly.



-Someday is not a day of the week-
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HockeyGod112 is not online. HockeyGod112
Joined: 09 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 11321
24 Jan 2015 07:46 AM
to long
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Lexatus is not online. Lexatus
Joined: 28 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 6567
24 Jan 2015 07:47 AM
@Hockey


It's part of a 6 chapter book :/

-Someday is not a day of the week-
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Lexatus is not online. Lexatus
Joined: 28 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 6567
24 Jan 2015 07:51 AM
brump

-Someday is not a day of the week-
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HockeyGod112 is not online. HockeyGod112
Joined: 09 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 11321
24 Jan 2015 07:51 AM
fine i will read it. here's my opinion:

it sounds like it was written BY a kid. it is not a formal essay, sorry.

"I knew I was going to enlist in the army, but which one?"

military*, the army is a branch, basically ground forces.

overall it is decent, but it needs to be more formal
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Lexatus is not online. Lexatus
Joined: 28 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 6567
24 Jan 2015 07:52 AM
@Hockey

Yeah i spotted the Military/Army mistake, i corrected it.

And by formal what do you mean?

-Someday is not a day of the week-
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HockeyGod112 is not online. HockeyGod112
Joined: 09 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 11321
24 Jan 2015 07:59 AM
i actually really did love the storyline and how it was written, but the part with the announcement was a bad paragraph and here is why.

it lacked detail, you need to describe the prime minister's feelings and what he was doing. a better announcement could be:



As I was watching the television set, I heard the alarm noises coming from the television. At the bottom it said, "Breaking News." The Prime Minister appeared on the television. He looked upset and weary. "The United States of America has just sent a formal declaration of war." he said. I stared at the television, not knowing what to do. My mind raced with thoughts as I panicked. The victor was evident: America would defeat us.
As the prime minister proceeded, he got even sadder in his words. "We will need our fellow citizens to step forth and participate actively in this war. Anyone who is able to work will be sent a notice of the Britain draft. We require all working men to join the military. I wish you all the best of luck, and be safe." he said, and the camera stopped. The television resumed the show, but I could not bare to watch. I knew what he meant, and I knew what I had to do. I had to join the military.
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Zenthial is not online. Zenthial
Joined: 27 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 1362
24 Jan 2015 08:00 AM
way to long
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Lexatus is not online. Lexatus
Joined: 28 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 6567
24 Jan 2015 08:04 AM
@Hockey

Oh yeah i get what you mean.

Thanks for feed back :)

-Someday is not a day of the week-
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HockeyGod112 is not online. HockeyGod112
Joined: 09 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 11321
24 Jan 2015 08:10 AM
@lex np i really like the story.

i am a writer myself, so if u need help contact me
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Lexatus is not online. Lexatus
Joined: 28 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 6567
24 Jan 2015 08:11 AM
Will do.

-Someday is not a day of the week-
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Bahll is not online. Bahll
Joined: 01 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 8150
24 Jan 2015 08:16 AM
Eh........ it's ok...

Yeah, I agree it looks like it was written by a kid. Try and use some better vocabulary and techniques
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