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| 26 Dec 2014 01:50 AM |
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Suprema Data Logs According to the Sentinel.
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In the year 3,000 AMY, New America was engaged in a civil war. Caused by corrupt politicians in a fairly corrupted world.
One side consisting of rebels that were only out for themselves.
The other, more pure side, were the Salvation, heavily armed soldiers. Trained young, made to never fear.
The Sentinel, leader of the Salvation; knew that it would only end in apocalypse, he had launched the Superior, the final aircraft, knowing it would bring piece to the militant civilization of the Salvation.
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The Aftermath of the Superior Attack; 3,024,
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The Sentinel was not named, as his parents abandoned him not shortly after his birth; a popular way to raise children at the time, a way of honor.
When he started going through the ranks just being known as The Sentinel, a royal family had invited him to a feast.
Which, as per; are very important and should be taken seriously.
The Royal Family had given him everything, riches, fame, love. There was a problem, the Royal Family was making him a stepping stone.
The Father, John Grand, was a President in the government of Salvation City. A very, very rich man indeed, he had a corrupt mindset, he wanted everything in the world.
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Corruption in the Heart.
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Divine Blood.
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He took the name Grand, after his father. He noticed on his ID Card one of the initials had V. on it, he went to the Grand Hall of Heroes, a library and a memorial.
He spoke to the spirit of the time he was born [ Speaking to the dead was a popular thing, remember this is all lore. ] and the spirit communed with the young aspiring leader. In this time you never decline a spirits advice, matter of fact. Your ordered by those you trust the most to carry out what the spirit had told you to do, for better or worse.
[ Spirit ] ' My Son, you must avenge your Mother and Father, the man who claims to be your Father now is a evil man, and must be purged before he begins the Third Apocalypse! Take this, My Son, Sentinel Vector Grand, you will bring us honor and glory.
The Sentinel, full of godly power picked up the weapon from the floor.
The Weapons holster reads
' Iudicium Divinum '
Sentinel took thousands of languages in his academy. He knew this one,
' Divine Judgement '
He went straight into the palace, killed John Grand without any form of regret.
Being Commander of the Salvation, he had a lot of influence. His soldiers breached the prison just before The Sentinel was to be executed by firing squad, the Unbroken Brothers began there.
His armies amassed at the city gates, marching perfectly, heading into transports and land vehicles.
Ready to conquer new lands.
As the soldiers marched, songs were sang, many repeated the chant
" Hail Suprema! Hail The Sentinel! "
The Sentinel saluted his armies in sheer pride. Henceforth, they were known as Suprema, January 28, 3026
----< No More Data found, Sorry. >----
:// Sentinel Vector Grand.
Afterword will be after this.
first lore writing, please don't be too harsh with your opinions please and thanks.
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romuluz
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| Joined: 12 Apr 2010 |
| Total Posts: 18124 |
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| 26 Dec 2014 02:12 AM |
A few things. Why do you have the year set to AMY? What does it stand for? Why did we move from AD? When did we move from two thousand whatever AD to 1 AMY?
Another thing is that your sides are far too black and white. You start out directly stating that one side is immoral while the other is completely pure. It can be considered unrealistic even as in reality, you never find black and white among the moralities of men, and in fact, black in white among morality itself does not even exist.
I'm also uneasy about the sudden talking to the dead aspect about this. Yes this is fictional lore, and that's fine, but it seems to be sci fi in nature. And yet, you are mixing Sci Fi and fantasy into one. While mixing the two is done artfully at times such as in Star Wars, you seem to be just blatantly mashing the two genres together without smoothing it out and explaining how exactly is he talking to the dead.
You also give your protagonist no form of challenge, which is absolutely necessary for any kind of story. He just sort of looks down at his ID card one day, which somehow has the middle initial of his parents and then talks to his dad, who some how inexplicably gives him godlike powers and a god gun (despite the fact that he's a ghost), which the protagonist turns around and simply kills the dude who he likely spent his entire childhood with without any form of self debate or question, and he suddenly spins from being some corrupt politician who has obviously been molded by the current leader into some just white knight yet again without any form of inner conflict or turmoil.
Now, that aside I do like how you added a form of culture to this species/civilization by providing a piece of cultural tradition for the people, that being the fact that they abandon their children at such a young age.
Now anywho, to improve this, here are some tips.
-Don't try to mix genres, rarely works and isn't necessarily the easiest thing to do. -Make things more challenging for your protagonist, remember; if your protagonist has a lightsaber, your antagonist must have a death star -Don't suddenly give your protagonist some unbeatable super power/super gun. -Give your protagonist some inner turmoil. -Do not, and I cannot stress this enough, Do not make good guys and bad guys. Black and white morals tend to be rather boring and unrealistic.
Hope this helps. |
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| 26 Dec 2014 07:51 AM |
| The other lore I'm writing mixes in with this, making it sound ten times better, I thank you for your feedback. I do appreciate. |
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Anonymust
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| Joined: 17 Oct 2014 |
| Total Posts: 1603 |
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| 26 Dec 2014 08:35 AM |
you didn't answer any of his questions. what the frick is AMY and why did we switch from AD? |
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| 26 Dec 2014 08:44 AM |
After Mythical Yield,
A Godlike Character blew through the lands at 2688 AD, He's basically the whole entire reason The Sentinel has godlike powers.
After Mythical Yield is when the rebels were sacked by the Nameless Character. They wrote a peace treaty in which the Salvation and the Rebels never fought, until 3,000 AMY. |
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romuluz
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| Joined: 12 Apr 2010 |
| Total Posts: 18124 |
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| 26 Dec 2014 06:38 PM |
Vector, you still didn't answer a lot of my questions.
First of all, this is obviously deep sci fantasy, but you don't seem to really explain how some god like being that ripped through the earth 3,000 years before his time suddenly gives him god like powers, or how he got it from his ghost-dad who is unrelated from this god dude, or how the ghost dad gave him a physical gun. There's absolutely no relation, and still doesn't settle the issue that you have instantly given your protagonist a one up against all of his enemies, which makes for a very boring story.
I can't stress this analogy enough, if you give your protagonist a lightsaber, your antagonist must have a deathstar. In other words, always make your antagonist seem to be an impassible obstacle to your protagonist so that your protagonist(With help of course) can have some interesting struggles between your protag and antag.
You also still don't give your protagonist any challenge or even any inner turmoil, which again, makes for a very boring story.
Lastly, we hit the whole Sci Fi, Fantasy divide that you're still not really melding together all that well. Since this is Science Fiction, you must explain this god, not just throw him at your audience and expect them to instantly believe he exists. (However if you ever get to write a novel based on this, which I earnestly suggest you don't before you seriously revamp this, I'd suggest shrouding the god in mystery when he first arrives and leave him to be explained later.)
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| 26 Dec 2014 06:47 PM |
I'll redo this entire thing later,
I'm tired right now, |
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