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Re: Sorry, I can't write.

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Dandan1911 is not online. Dandan1911
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 1768
22 Nov 2014 10:20 PM
Grass crunched down, flattened, as a bright streak of Orange, Brown, White, and Gray zoomed across the meadows that surrounded a small, little village. The grass was now pressed down into tiny, cat sized wads. The holes were big enough to fit a flower, but as the flower must be small. “I must...get back...to...camp…” The small, frail figure muttered as it ran across the outstretched meadows. A tiny, scrunched up cat arrived at his camp, the camp being full of other, small, big, and medium sized figures. They all turned around to look at the small frail figure that arrived in the entrance of their camp, which is made out of small thorns, leaves that are softly pressed into, twigs that aren’t too sharp for the frame, and small patches of bark from a oak tree. “So you made it back, Thrush that rests on Leaves?” A large, tom, meowed loudly, loud enough for the whole camp to hear. The toms voice was strong, strong enough to make the tom seem fit than the rest of the camp. “Yes, I made it back! But I need to get to Stoneteller!” Thrush that rests on Leaves rasped weakly. “Fine fine…” the tom muttered, but soon added, “Stoneteller, Thrush that rests on Leaves needs to visit you,” in a loud, almost mischievous meow, that was easily overheard out of all the small whispers. “Alright,” Stoneteller meowed, but quickly added in a whisper, “Follow me to my den, Thrush that rests on Leaves.” The whisper was barely heard over the crowd of the gathered cats, but some how, Thrush, as in referring to Thrust that rests on Leaves, heard. “Yes, Stoneteller” Thrush that rests on Leaves rasped in a cold, almost bleak, voice. Thrush that rests on Leaves was almost into Stonetellers, Gray, round, den until’, “Thresh that rests on Leaves!” soon added, “Wait!” A small lithe She-Cat quickly meowed in a hurried, quiet voice. Thrush turned around, his gaze falling on a small, skinny, kitten. “Do you need something, Shadow that breaks the Light?” Thrush meowed in a small, weak voice. “Yes!” Shadow squealed in a high-pitched meow, causing all the cats, kittens, and to-bes to move away with a hint of annoyance on their battle-worn, or new faces. Thrush quickly turned around, “May we speak of this later?” Thrush meowed in a serious, almost weak voice. Stoneteller slowly turned around. He’s getting quite old… Thrush thought to himself. “Alright, meet me at sundown tomorrow, in my den.” Stoneteller rasped, his meows were somehow, troubling.
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Dandan1911 is not online. Dandan1911
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 1768
22 Nov 2014 10:23 PM
Hopefully, this dies so it can go away.
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goof333 is not online. goof333
Joined: 27 Aug 2008
Total Posts: 16615
22 Nov 2014 10:26 PM
A tip for writing.

Writing like, this, will, get, on peoples, nerves, really fast.

And there needs to be gaps between paragraphs, otherwise it is just a wall of text. c:

This was just a bit of constructive criticism.

And I believe OT is also the wrong forum to post short stories in, maybe try the RP forum or Movies/TV/Books.
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Dandan1911 is not online. Dandan1911
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 1768
22 Nov 2014 10:32 PM
Reply:

Ty, I don't care c:

Too bad.

And Thank you for the criticism.
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NinjaMonstr is not online. NinjaMonstr
Joined: 07 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 10424
22 Nov 2014 10:33 PM
@goof
i dont know whats wrong with using commas in the right place...
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IceyIkey is not online. IceyIkey
Joined: 28 Apr 2013
Total Posts: 1159
22 Nov 2014 10:35 PM

Ty, I don't care c:

Too bad.

And Thank you for the criticism.

If you have to thank them for it, that means you do in fact care...
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goof333 is not online. goof333
Joined: 27 Aug 2008
Total Posts: 16615
22 Nov 2014 10:36 PM
"Ty, I don't care c:

Too bad.

And Thank you for the criticism."

Rude. ;-;




@NinjaMonstr, Yes but to many commas, even if they are in the right place, are a bit irritating to read. :C


Also if you didn't want replies to the thread you could have just locked it before you posted. :o

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benniedog10 is not online. benniedog10
Joined: 03 Jan 2013
Total Posts: 426
22 Nov 2014 10:38 PM
Did you get this from a warriors book or write it yourself? If you made it yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back
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iiMarshmalow is not online. iiMarshmalow
Joined: 25 Sep 2014
Total Posts: 17200
22 Nov 2014 10:38 PM
spell dog
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PinkFlufflyAlicorn is not online. PinkFlufflyAlicorn
Joined: 02 Nov 2014
Total Posts: 479
22 Nov 2014 10:38 PM
TL:DR
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CookedToothpaste is not online. CookedToothpaste
Joined: 19 May 2014
Total Posts: 7082
22 Nov 2014 10:38 PM
one massive wall of text will make people tl;dr

like I just did :)
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Dandan1911 is not online. Dandan1911
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 1768
22 Nov 2014 10:52 PM
@benniedog10, No I didn't copy it from Erin Hunter(s). No not at all, I don't copy from others books.

To the people that are like, BIG WALL OF WORDS!
Yes, I know there's a lot of commas but in the right place.
But there is a reason behind that.
It's because I don't really like writing.
I can't really write at all.
And the fact that I don't care how my writing is

-Signed, Dandan1911
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JoesephStratenburgh is not online. JoesephStratenburgh
Joined: 30 Sep 2014
Total Posts: 3057
22 Nov 2014 10:53 PM
'Ty, I don't care c:

Too bad.

And Thank you for the criticism.'


this is one of the reasons other countries don't like Americans

other country's citizens are open to constructive criticism
but as soon as an american hears something he/she doesn't like, they go full out arrogance mode on the person
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Dandan1911 is not online. Dandan1911
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 1768
22 Nov 2014 11:05 PM
Yeah, it's called people being idiots while being offended. And yes, I am American, and I'm not to pleased about it. I guess they let having Free-Will take over them.
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IceyIkey is not online. IceyIkey
Joined: 28 Apr 2013
Total Posts: 1159
22 Nov 2014 11:06 PM
"but as soon as an american hears something he/she doesn't like, they go full out arrogance mode on the person"

just yet another generalization...
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Dandan1911 is not online. Dandan1911
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 1768
22 Nov 2014 11:13 PM
Mhm.
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JoesephStratenburgh is not online. JoesephStratenburgh
Joined: 30 Sep 2014
Total Posts: 3057
22 Nov 2014 11:32 PM
'just yet another generalization...'

yes, a generalization about my own countrymen? as an American, I am ashamed to say that I belong to a country of bandwagoners who can't think for themselves, and actually elect people such as Miley Cyrus as role models in their lives.

People are miserable under our heavy taxes, most of which go to pointless things anyways, such as luxury flights for our oh so great leaders.

That is another thing; the American populous refuses to vote responsibly, or even vote at all. Also, America's politics are governed by whichever party has the most money and can lie to the people the best.

Republicans are just a bunch of war-mongering, oil drinking barons who try to make the people think we live in the good old 1960s when nobody had a care in the world, and the Democrats are filthy robin hoods who think they can fix a wrong WITH a wrong. Stealing money from the rich and giving it to the poor who just blow the money off on useless junk is not the way to solve the poverty issue.


Also, we the people are completely BLIND to anything happening outside of America! And even then, we STILL don't know what is going on inside our own country. FOX and NBC are controlled by the Republicans and Democrats respectively, and they refuse to report anything of value. "Raise awareness about how China is raising tensions with Eastern countries? Nah, we will just talk about how we found a cat that was discovered 100 miles away from it's home; it isn't like they hear that all the time!"

The only news source that TRULY reports new is Aljazeera. Want to know the funny part? They aren't even based in America. They are based in the Middle East. You'd think that would wake us up, wouldn't you think?
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JoesephStratenburgh is not online. JoesephStratenburgh
Joined: 30 Sep 2014
Total Posts: 3057
22 Nov 2014 11:35 PM
I think Bill Cosby would make a better president than the past 5 we have had.
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JoesephStratenburgh is not online. JoesephStratenburgh
Joined: 30 Sep 2014
Total Posts: 3057
22 Nov 2014 11:41 PM
Also, to the people who say Obama is a socialist:

Obama is the OPPOSITE of a socialist

he sits there and does ANYTHING the corporations tell him to do

he forces the people to pay for healthcare, even though socialism decrees that healthcare should be provided for by the government rather than out of the people's pocket

the democrats would have stopped supporting him by now,

and the tea party would have made a bigger impact on their anti-Obama revolts if he truly was a socialist
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Dandan1911 is not online. Dandan1911
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 1768
22 Nov 2014 11:41 PM
Agreed, and I'm ashamed to say, that I too live in that world. Where I'm being raised in America, watching other people get shoved into religions, setting bad examples as role-models, see as how people be like that. And I think Barack Obama is just one of those people who just don't understand fully enough to lead a nation. (Off Topic)
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Dandan1911 is not online. Dandan1911
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 1768
22 Nov 2014 11:43 PM
Barack Obama isn't a socialist and I'm agreeing with that 100%. Now if only we could start war on the Government, now that'd be fun...
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phanaconda is not online. phanaconda
Joined: 14 Sep 2008
Total Posts: 1057
22 Nov 2014 11:45 PM
2edgy

dont use so many commas

learn better words like plump or corpulent

dont be so edgy
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phanaconda is not online. phanaconda
Joined: 14 Sep 2008
Total Posts: 1057
22 Nov 2014 11:52 PM
also, when writing anything narrative or anything where people talk, do it like this.

The grass below my feet crunched with every step I took. My lover, whose hair is oddly missing, is walking beside me. I don't know where to go, but my best guess is to the tree with crisp apples of red. We stop about two feet in front of it, my lover looking at me.

"Are you ready?" She asks

I nod and slightly pluck one of the hard, shimmering vermilion apples from the tree. I open my mouth, hearing my jaw pop for what is seemingly only a millisecond, and take a bite of the apple.

Something's wrong about the texture.

I look over to my wife, who is no longer my wife. A leering smile appears on her face which is followed by an oddly loud chuckle. The hair that was missing from my lover is now in my mouth, and the endless darkness is now surrounding me. I'm falling, help me.

~~

something like that. do not keep a whole paragraph when someone talks. use bigger words, be more descriptive. use a one space line when something new happens for dramatic effect. if you want to, sound cryptic too.

thats my advice.
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Dandan1911 is not online. Dandan1911
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 1768
23 Nov 2014 12:00 AM
"also, when writing anything narrative or anything where people talk, do it like this.

The grass below my feet crunched with every step I took. My lover, whose hair is oddly missing, is walking beside me. I don't know where to go, but my best guess is to the tree with crisp apples of red. We stop about two feet in front of it, my lover looking at me.

"Are you ready?" She asks

I nod and slightly pluck one of the hard, shimmering vermilion apples from the tree. I open my mouth, hearing my jaw pop for what is seemingly only a millisecond, and take a bite of the apple.

Something's wrong about the texture.

I look over to my wife, who is no longer my wife. A leering smile appears on her face which is followed by an oddly loud chuckle. The hair that was missing from my lover is now in my mouth, and the endless darkness is now surrounding me. I'm falling, help me.

~~

something like that. do not keep a whole paragraph when someone talks. use bigger words, be more descriptive. use a one space line when something new happens for dramatic effect. if you want to, sound cryptic too.

thats my advice."

Well sorry for putting commas in the right place
Maybe you should stop trying to make me write a narrative.
Leave this thread if you have anything else rude to say about it.
I always know all the flaws
-Signed Dandan1911.
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phanaconda is not online. phanaconda
Joined: 14 Sep 2008
Total Posts: 1057
23 Nov 2014 12:02 AM
buddy, if you want to get anywhere in this world, then you're going to have to take constructive criticism. everyone has flaws, yes, but these flaws like yours can be fixed. don't be so butthurt.
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