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Re: OOC: Story

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BilICipher is not online. BilICipher
Joined: 27 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 1510
16 Nov 2014 12:28 PM
So I'm rewriting one of my old stories.

http://www.wattpad.com/81085802-spirals-chapter-one-introduction

Read it, would like feedback that isn't stupid or extreme nitpicking.

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ElephantFarts1 is not online. ElephantFarts1
Joined: 08 Oct 2014
Total Posts: 1921
16 Nov 2014 01:02 PM
get out and go to rt or ot if you just post oocs
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idunwanna is not online. idunwanna
Joined: 07 Aug 2014
Total Posts: 3625
16 Nov 2014 01:12 PM
"get out and go to rt or ot if you just post oocs"

why not you
this isn't an OOC either
this is a story
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BilICipher is not online. BilICipher
Joined: 27 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 1510
16 Nov 2014 01:15 PM
Ouch time to leave for all of eternity

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Duncan2244 is not online. Duncan2244
Joined: 05 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 411
16 Nov 2014 02:10 PM
I am a bit interested in this story. If you do decide to rewrite it, send me a link to it once you have finished the chapter.
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BilICipher is not online. BilICipher
Joined: 27 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 1510
16 Nov 2014 07:06 PM
No, this is the rewritten version. A month ago there was another Spirals, but I unpublished it, and now this one I'm writing is the new one.

Here's chapter two: http://www.wattpad.com/81184997-spirals-chapter-two-bad-dreams

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rockmax2112alt is not online. rockmax2112alt
Joined: 22 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 16470
16 Nov 2014 07:07 PM
what happened to pioneers
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coolboysvery is not online. coolboysvery
Joined: 02 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 1383
16 Nov 2014 07:16 PM
What happened to Camp Halfblood?

"Justice will be swift! Justice will be painful! It will be DELICIOUS!" - Ruby Rose
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BilICipher is not online. BilICipher
Joined: 27 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 1510
16 Nov 2014 07:54 PM
@rock

I took it down since it was my last focus and I had another sci-fi story in mind.

@cool

I had high hopes for Camp Half-Blood, but in the middle of writing I got stuck in a place. I had no idea of what to write. I unpublished the story but I'm sure I have it somewhere in my computer for when I want or am inspired to continue for it. I also have all of the characters made in a notepad and I don't want to let everyone who joined down.

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rockmax2112alt is not online. rockmax2112alt
Joined: 22 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 16470
16 Nov 2014 07:55 PM
NEINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
16 Nov 2014 08:40 PM
It's rough around the edges a bit, and you miss use a few of the descriptive words.

Will go into a more in depth evaluation later on to help you out(And wattpad is being slow so I could barely read much of it).

Until then, I will be playing some halo 2 Anni!
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rockmax2112alt is not online. rockmax2112alt
Joined: 22 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 16470
16 Nov 2014 08:41 PM
ok i wanna join
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
16 Nov 2014 08:42 PM
^

?????
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rockmax2112alt is not online. rockmax2112alt
Joined: 22 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 16470
16 Nov 2014 08:47 PM
as like
cameo character
like how stan lee appears in every single marvel movie.
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BilICipher is not online. BilICipher
Joined: 27 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 1510
16 Nov 2014 09:48 PM
This isn't a sign up thread, I'm just promoting my story.

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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
16 Nov 2014 10:02 PM
I know your not.

I read a part of it and am simply saying it needs work.

More in depth review inbound.
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BilICipher is not online. BilICipher
Joined: 27 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 1510
16 Nov 2014 10:22 PM
That was to rock not you, I'm looking forward to your review though.

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rockmax2112alt is not online. rockmax2112alt
Joined: 22 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 16470
16 Nov 2014 10:24 PM
I know that
I'm just saying like
we have cameo people the main character bumps into that reflect of our personalities
like how I'm mostly jovial/humorous
Dah, forget it. It's stupid.
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Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
16 Nov 2014 10:26 PM
I love the overall thought of this story so far. Keep up the good work!
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BilICipher is not online. BilICipher
Joined: 27 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 1510
16 Nov 2014 10:40 PM
Thanks. I will be releasing a chapter a day until the 21st. I will post two chapters on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Thursday and Tuesday will only include one chapter.

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rockmax2112alt is not online. rockmax2112alt
Joined: 22 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 16470
16 Nov 2014 10:42 PM
Your style of writing is interesting bill. I could use some tips from your work.
Damn, I never realised how good everyone is at writing stories.
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
16 Nov 2014 11:35 PM
Ok, now for your story.

While your first chapter does an excellent job at introducing the reader to Xen and his family(Whom all seem to be interesting and likeable characters so far, props on that one), the first thing I noticed is that you are keen on using very short, simple sentences, using a lot of them to form short paragraphs instead of using elaborate sentences to form longer, more descriptive paragraphs. You do things like this(Not a direct example from the book, just my own stuff);

"He had blonde hair. He had white skin with blue eyes. He liked reading and was reading a book"

It describes your character, yes but it only provides the bare minimum, not giving me a clear visual of what your characters look like. You shouldn't be afraid to be a bit more verbose to give your readers something to hold onto, including metaphors would even be a good method for this. A better example would be something like this(Again, not an example from your book);

"The boy's head was a mess of tangled blonde hair complete with a stark white face that gleamed brightly like snow against a winter sun. The boy enjoyed reading, and could often times be seen sitting out his recesses sitting on an old lunch table curled up, and tearing through a good story with ravenous blue eyes. Unlike the others, who prefered to run through the grass, pouring sweat and tackling one another in a brilliant show of machismo in an unwitting attempt to impress their young, female counterparts who eyed them from a distance."

Another thing I noticed is that you were rather fond of description over dialogue, and while it's common to see more descriptive paragraphs over dialogue in the first chapter or so, I think it wouldn't hurt to give some more meaningful dialogue that gives more insight to the characters than just a few words muttered between the family, sort of like Kara and Xen's conversation at the end of the chapter, revealing Kara to be immature, and obviously unable to understand the concept of relationships quite yet. Don't go TOO far with this piece of advice though or else you'll end up trying to shove every aspect about your characters down your reader's throats in one mere chapter.(You always want to leave a few surprises for later on your book.)

A third thing I noticed is that your provide the reader little information about the characters. I for one have no idea how old Xen is, but I do get a vague idea as to how old Kara is, which is fine and with the information provided it would be okay for you to reveal that later on.(Not necessary for the parents however as age is not as pivotal for maturity and personality at their age). You also leave out the setting, which would be rather pivitol at such an early stage. Include things such as the season and climate of the area to add substanance to the setting as well, maybe mention a hot summers day or a chilly winter morning as they walk outside to get the medicine?

Lastly, you only really seem to spare expense on describing Xen and leave the other characters to only a few words to describe them. Try to be more in depth, give me the hair color of Kara, maybe the worn, tired face the mother has, or the age induced wrinkles(Or lack thereof) on the father. You're off to a great start, but it needs some beefing up.
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BilICipher is not online. BilICipher
Joined: 27 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 1510
16 Nov 2014 11:42 PM
Thanks for the review rom, I can see where I went wrong, especially with the bland, short sentences I talked about first. I do mention the age of Xen later on and I think I mentioned it being summer in the story. It's late and I will probably go to bed soon, but you'll be sure I'll go through my chapter and keep your suggestions in mind tomorrow.

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BilICipher is not online. BilICipher
Joined: 27 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 1510
16 Nov 2014 11:43 PM
*short sentences you

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Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
17 Nov 2014 03:49 AM
"...birthmark was a perfect spiral shape."

Haha! Just like my story with the upside down Omega symbol.
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