generic image
Processing...
  • Games
  • Catalog
  • Develop
  • Robux
  • Search in Players
  • Search in Games
  • Search in Catalog
  • Search in Groups
  • Search in Library
  • Log In
  • Sign Up
  • Games
  • Catalog
  • Develop
  • Robux
   
ROBLOX Forum » Movies/TV/Books
Home Search
 

Re: Walking Story. [Chapters all in 1 thread starting with Chp1]

Previous Thread :: Next Thread 
DragonEmpressa is not online. DragonEmpressa
Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 3456
29 Oct 2014 05:36 PM

Chapter 1: Who am I



Everyone is a walking story, regardless of how many years you've been alive you have at least one story to reminisce about. Many can't comprehend or grasp simple things, such as me, myself and I.

Anthony and I used to be very smart individuals until we got kicked out of The Academy. The Academy was a place where young children years five to twenty one attended for combat training and academics. Children who are kicked out are supposed to be terminated, or in simpler terms, killed. I escaped termination, however Merri was not so lucky. Anthony did not get kicked out, rather promoted and then fled and found me where I am now. In hiding.

While I'm not exactly "In Hiding" I am rather on a crime spree, recruiting anyone who was also kicked out of The Academy but was smart enough to escape. With The Academy's combat equipment and knowledge I have been undetected for almost three years now. I'm one of the most wanted criminals in our nation of Jeima. I'm all over billboards, with my mask of course. Nobody has seen my real face except for Anthony. I intend to keep it that way.

I lay in the grass staring up at the clouds. This is the first break I've gotten in a long time. For once I have no guns or knives strapped to me. Anthony decides to take a dip in a lake that is lapping at my feet. My companion cat lays by my side as I stroke his head. I call him Sneak because he retrieves things when I need them, even when I'm on duty. He is my partner in crime. A calico rescue from the streets.


"Holly I think we should go." Anthony says.







Report Abuse
ManateeMeister is not online. ManateeMeister
Joined: 28 Jul 2013
Total Posts: 1
29 Oct 2014 09:17 PM
The diction is fine, I just find you to be very dependent on certain phrases contained within your writing. Of course they're significant and necessary to description, but my suggestion is to vary it up a bit. When you do use variation, it's spectacular, the repetition simply kills the mood. It seems as if every sentence is merely a filler in anticipation for variation. If you can break free from that, it'd be one of the best of pieces of WRITING I've read on ROBLOX.
Report Abuse
DragonEmpressa is not online. DragonEmpressa
Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 3456
30 Oct 2014 06:43 AM
Thanks for your reply @Manatee
Report Abuse
Mixtures is not online. Mixtures
Joined: 14 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 34
30 Oct 2014 03:38 PM
Yes, as Manatee said, the language was finely written. There were some flaws in grammar, but we don't need to worry about that. The main problem was that you forgot to add some important parts. How come we haven't gotten to know much about any of the characters? Who is Merri? How did so many people escape the Academy? If you reveal all of these in the next chapter, I'd be more than happy to read it!
Report Abuse
DragonEmpressa is not online. DragonEmpressa
Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 3456
30 Oct 2014 04:37 PM
Thanks for your reply @Mixtures.

New chapter tonight by 8PM EST check it out if you want. [10/30/14]
Report Abuse
DragonEmpressa is not online. DragonEmpressa
Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 3456
30 Oct 2014 06:50 PM
Before I write: This is a rough draft that I'm just having fun with. There will be tons of mistakes.

You can also subscribe to this thread (I will send you a PM when new chapters come out.) Type "SubWS1" in your reply ON THIS THREAD.

------


"Why?" I say.

"I don't feel safe here." He says in his deep, masculine voice.

I laugh. "You don't feel safe? The whole point of this small island is to keep us safe and hidden." I say.

He nods then wades out of the water and sits next to me in the sand. He leans into me whispering, "I think we're being watched." his lips brushing my ear. That sends a shiver up my spine. I've known Anthony long enough to know that his gut instinct is usually right - usually. "I think you're being paranoid." I say and stare into the distance.

"No I'm not being paranoid. Why don't you ever listen to me!" I was surprised by his sudden spurt of anger.

"Anthony, they're gone. No need to worry." I say in a calm voice, hoping he would calm too.

He does and pets Sneak by my side. He sighs. "Sorry." He says in a hushed voice. "Maybe I am being paranoid. Just when Merri was being taken away from me, screaming, helpless, I could see the fear in her eyes staring right back at me. I couldn't do anything but I just. . . I don't know anymore."

I stay silent in hopes he would tell me more of what happened. A tear rolled down his face and was quickly swept away.

His blonde hair swayed in the breeze as his green eyes looked away from me, embarrassed. He has never cried in front of me before. I wait for a response or more words. They do not come. I suppose he decided not to speak more because he got up and went to our house back further on the island.

Merri was very nice and a beautiful girl. Intelligent as well. Anthony loved her but never told her his feelings. Held them back for years. In our attempt to escape The Academy she was caught and held back by guards and most likely terminated. She had long brunette hair and an hourglass figure. No wonder Anthony loved her.

A noise jerks me from my thoughts. I whip my head around. I hear gunfire and make an instant bolt for our house. I hear a helicopter overhead as I near the house. My feet beat faster than my heart as I look ahead. I stop in my tracks, trembling. SWAT and police surround our house. Breathing heavily, I try to think fast out of panic. Has Anthony gotten caught? Did they find our plans? How did they find us?
































Report Abuse
Tyscott12 is not online. Tyscott12
Joined: 29 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 3372
30 Oct 2014 08:08 PM
Any comments are thoughts I have while reading:

First, how many chapters do you plan? Also, if this were in another format and not being posted on ROBLOX would you compile them into larger chapters? Also, I'd recommend you don't end chapters in the middle of conversation or the reader has to go back and revisit the chapter before if they're reading the chapters with increments of time in between (like as you post them)

Then, a quick dialog thing, "He says in his deep, masculine voice." the he doesn't need to be capitalized and a the punctuation should've been a comma instead of a period. Read up on dialog tags if you're not sure on the rules. It's actually quite specific and takes awhile to learn.

In the fourth paragraph, you included two people speaking in one paragraph. No biggie, it seems you just accidentally did this one time.

The narrator says that they know to trust Anthony's gut instinct but then dismisses it as being paranoid.

Try to avoid opening sentences with the same words when they're so close to each other.
"I hear gunfire and make an instant bolt for our house. A helicopter noise from overhead echoes throughout the island as I near the house."

"SWAT and police surround our house." A description of this would greatly enhance this part and make the writing seem don't rush. I hate to say this because I find it unhelpful but, show don't tell.

Sorry for all the criticism, I just wanted to include everything that I could to possibly help you as a writer. I'm enjoying the story so far and I'm dying to know my favorite thing in any world, back story. Seriously, I can't get enough of that stuff. Just slow it down a little and let your story happen. No need to rush it, just do the writing and let it tell itself.

siggys are dead
Report Abuse
Tyscott12 is not online. Tyscott12
Joined: 29 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 3372
30 Oct 2014 08:08 PM
Sorry I also forgot to also say SubWS1


siggys are dead
Report Abuse
burdywurdy10 is not online. burdywurdy10
Joined: 01 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 20
30 Oct 2014 09:33 PM
Is this a book you're going to write or something? Because I have read some other stories on other websites and if you're going to write a book then I can have some tips and pointers for you... Eh?
Report Abuse
burdywurdy10 is not online. burdywurdy10
Joined: 01 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 20
30 Oct 2014 09:35 PM
And I have to agree with Ty... I have quite a bit of criticism myself. Sorry...
Report Abuse
Calsprite is not online. Calsprite
Joined: 25 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 6092
31 Oct 2014 05:51 AM
SubWS1.
Report Abuse
DragonEmpressa is not online. DragonEmpressa
Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 3456
31 Oct 2014 04:05 PM
Thanks for your replies. I will taken them into consideration. New chapter coming soon.

The reason I don't write a ton of paragraphs in the first few chapters is because nobody wants to read an essay for the first chapter. Gotta ease them into it xD

Thanks for being helpful and subbing. [10/31/14]

~Dragon
Report Abuse
DragonEmpressa is not online. DragonEmpressa
Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 3456
01 Nov 2014 06:37 PM
I try to think quickly with all the commotion around me. My heart beats as fast as lightning while my head spins in circles. How did they find us? I don't understand. It's impossible.

While the SWAT swarm around our house I look around for Anthony.

"Come out! We have found you. There's no way out!" Someone yelled with a horn.

The helicopter hovered above our house and more SWAT came out and broke down out front door. Before I'm spotted I quickly climb the nearest tree to get a better view but stay below the canopy so I'm not spotted by the airman. While everyone's attention is on the house, I continue to look around. My hand holds the tree so hard that it's white.

I catch a glance inside the helicopter. Someone who looks vaguely familiar. I squint to get a clearer look but am taken aback by a bullet shot. Miss. I instantly make a run for it knowing I am defenseless. They bound after me firing their M308's. "Sneak!" I shout, hoping to get his attention to get my weapons.

My lungs scream for air as sweat drips down my face. I hear a buzzing sound. Tazer! My eyes widen and this gets my adrenalin pumping to keep going. My legs burn to stop. They're advancing on me. I'm shot in my upper leg and I stumble. I clench my teeth together so hard I feel they're going to break. Inhaling air, my legs somehow keep carrying me. Blood seeps through my shorts and I feel my eyes getting blurry. I can feel my heart beat. My eyelids feel heavy and I struggle to keep them open.

I scream as the tazer pierces my skin. I fall to the ground. Something holds down my chest but I don't have the strength to pick up my head to look. I exhale and inhale slower and slower with each breath, the world is slipping away as it becomes harder to breathe.

The SWAT stand over me and I spit at them. One puts a hand on my head and my mouth. "You may not speak!" the SWAT yells and looks down at me through his clear face guard. Those are some familiar green eyes. The world goes into a black abyss.











Report Abuse
Mixtures is not online. Mixtures
Joined: 14 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 34
03 Nov 2014 08:04 PM
The story's getting even better. I could tell something bad was going to happen as the plot developed. What a strange twist! I never thought of Anthony being a snitch. Well, I'll be happy to read the next chapter. So much has already happened; I can't wait to see what will go on next!
Report Abuse
romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
05 Nov 2014 04:59 AM
To start off, very interesting concept, and you've got a great story idea but it lacks in a few instances. But a few suggestions if you ever decide to revise this. You should probably provide a bit more background information in your first few chapter. such as who's Merri? Who or what owns the military academies? When does this take place? Is it in a future dystopian society or a modern country? If it's dystopian then what caused such a messed up government to take rise? And why are they utilizing children in a military academy? These are all questions the reader shouldn't have while you go off on such big action and plot twisting sequences.

You should probably even consider setting off the start of your story a little earlier in the timeline of these characters, to give Merri more of a built up character and to build the relationship between her and Anthony, and I would probably suggest a merger of a few of these chapters as they're awfully short and don't really present a new sect of story and more just continues the same sect, removing any sense of finality to any of the chapters.(I understand you want people to read your stuff but trust me. If it's good enough, they'll suffer through it.

Another reason why you should consider starting the story off earlier in the timeline is because you are too quick to jump into the action. It's obvious that you intend for them to be captured here which is fine but it isn't so good to have your story start with such major plot twists and revelations so early into the story. By starting your story earlier, you can have your audience build up a better trust for Anthony and like him more as a character, giving more of a shocking twist to the revelation.

Finally, description. As mentioned by someone else, you're not providing enough of it, leading to short, bland chapters that fail to present anything for me to be truly immersed in this world. Which I really do want to be as again you have a good concept on your hands. Don't sacrifice describing important things such as character's faces and important scenes for the sake of short chapters. In fact, as I mentioned earier, you should be trying to make your chapters longer. Right now, your story would probably measure a mere six or seven pages between three chapters if it were to be printed into an actual novel, which is not really a popular choice among authors or audiences, as the most popular books tend to have longer chapters.
Report Abuse
DragonEmpressa is not online. DragonEmpressa
Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 3456
06 Nov 2014 03:46 PM
Thanks for your replies! I will definitely take them into consideration.

New chapter soon!
Report Abuse
Previous Thread :: Next Thread 
Page 1 of 1
 
 
ROBLOX Forum » Movies/TV/Books
   
 
   
  • About Us
  • Jobs
  • Blog
  • Parents
  • Help
  • Terms
  • Privacy

©2017 Roblox Corporation. Roblox, the Roblox logo, Robux, Bloxy, and Powering Imagination are among our registered and unregistered trademarks in the U.S. and other countries.



Progress
Starting Roblox...
Connecting to Players...
R R

Roblox is now loading. Get ready to play!

R R

You're moments away from getting into the game!

Click here for help

Check Remember my choice and click Launch Application in the dialog box above to join games faster in the future!

Gameplay sponsored by:
Loading 0% - Starting game...
Get more with Builders Club! Join Builders Club
Choose Your Avatar
I have an account
generic image