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Re: OT, Can you help me with my essay?

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sherlockedholmes is not online. sherlockedholmes
Joined: 03 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 11884
23 Oct 2014 06:21 PM
Its a persuasive essay on imagination over knowledge.
Heres the first paragraph.

Imagination, let that word sink in, Imagination. What do you think when you hear that word? Books, movies, art, clothes, thoughts maybe? Now, what if I were to tell you that imagination overrides knowledge, would you see me as mad or crazy? Maybe you see me as right, but if you think otherwise, what is your reasoning? Have you ever questioned knowledge and its importance? You see knowledge is diverted off of imagination, imagination is crucial to the existence of knowledge itself. Imagination is the base plate of knowledge, creation, and has had a large influence on society. Hear my words, they might change your perception.

☢ 2014 Ebola survivor ☢
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Kyuro is not online. Kyuro
Joined: 03 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 5800
23 Oct 2014 06:22 PM
At first I was like "lets do dis"
then
>Ebola siggy
nope
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sherlockedholmes is not online. sherlockedholmes
Joined: 03 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 11884
23 Oct 2014 06:23 PM
Its supposed to make fun of Ebola jokes in itself.

☢ 2014 Ebola survivor ☢
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Kyuro is not online. Kyuro
Joined: 03 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 5800
23 Oct 2014 06:23 PM
It's still an ebola joke.
so nope
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sherlockedholmes is not online. sherlockedholmes
Joined: 03 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 11884
23 Oct 2014 06:25 PM
Okay will you help me if I change it back to my old siggy?

☢ 2014 Ebola survivor ☢
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sherlockedholmes is not online. sherlockedholmes
Joined: 03 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 11884
23 Oct 2014 06:38 PM
Second paragraph.

Think about it, without being able to creatively question and think about the world, things we know now may have never been discovered. Many of our world’s greatest scientists had used their imagination to make amazing discoveries that have helped develop many great advancements. Since the dawn of time, humans have been thriving and expanding thanks to the ability to imagine and create, to explore and discover. From clothing to technology to culture, imagination has help provide a basis on where to begin, where to start, and how to do things. If it were just to be no imagination at all, all discoveries that have led to textbooks, technology, language, and knowledge in general would seize to exist. There is no denying that knowledge can be traced back to imagination, and people who thought creatively.

Current siggy is underconstuction
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sherlockedholmes is not online. sherlockedholmes
Joined: 03 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 11884
23 Oct 2014 06:48 PM
Not one other person?

Current siggy is underconstuction
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Destructerk is not online. Destructerk
Joined: 15 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 4112
23 Oct 2014 06:51 PM
if there was no imagination we would probably
a. still be in caves
or
b. still be in the 50s
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sherlockedholmes is not online. sherlockedholmes
Joined: 03 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 11884
23 Oct 2014 06:57 PM
Third.

Language is a great example on how knowledge is based off of imagination. Think long back ago, centuries upon centuries ago, humans have been able to communicate with each other, but have you ever wondered where and how it all had started? Back long ago, before any official languages were made, people in local tribes or towns would have classified objects with the words they had made up for that one certain object. As time progressed, these words had slowly been stitched up into a language people learn and speak presently. With all of this happening in different places, many languages had been created in many small and large regions, all over the world. With each language being entirely different from the next, from the way it is spoken to the way it is written, languages play the largest role for human interaction and communication. Without the way imagination has had its effect on people’s thoughts and actions, languages would have never been strung up and created.

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Zipo99 is not online. Zipo99
Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 5344
23 Oct 2014 07:08 PM
Okay, first paragraph:
Take out the rhetorical questions. One is okay, marginally, but it better be a damn powerful question. Assert your position on the topic, don't ask your readers what their's is. This is, after all, a persuasive essay. Don't assume that your readers will answer the questions the same way as you do. So take out the rhetorical questions. Just delete that entire last sentence. Next, strive for more academic writing. Take out the "your" and "my." You could say instead something along the lines of "one might be persuaded by...." or something of that nature. Add some substance to your writing because I see a lot of fluff.

Second paragraph:
Okay, so real quick, humans haven't been around since the dawn of time. If the universe is some odd 13 billion years old, humanity is roughly 200,000 years old. Also, such a broad statement is very weak in writing. Next, this paragraph is better than the first, but I would still like to see more concrete substance. I could annotate your paper for grammatical mistakes, but right now I am focusing on material. Also, you mention that without imagination things would cease to exist, yet that is mere speculation. While I realize you cannot prove your point, try to have some logical connection. This is a persuasive essay, so persuade me. Right now it seems you are leaning more toward pathos, however logos would be nice to see. You could use some work on your pathos argument, however I don't know how to convey doing so without rewriting the essay for you.

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Kyuro is not online. Kyuro
Joined: 03 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 5800
23 Oct 2014 07:09 PM
Imagination is responsible for most all knowledge we have today. Hence the use of tools, technology, or the crafting and use of most anything has some sort of technique. If not for imaginative people, we'd still be in caves, stuck in a non-advancing age of poor survival. The things these people bring about change people's perception and redefine reality in our eyes, and allow us to do new things.
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Zipo99 is not online. Zipo99
Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 5344
23 Oct 2014 07:15 PM
Third paragraph:
So, I would like to see your proof on the evolution of language. It doesn't matter if you are right, for something like that you should most definitely cite a credible source. Also, write on the correlation between language and imagination a bit more. Right now you are just throwing out the dots, but you aren't really explaining the connection.
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Zipo99 is not online. Zipo99
Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 5344
23 Oct 2014 07:17 PM
What grade are you in? It's a great topic that should be done justice. Also, the topic is contrasting how knowledge comes from imagination? Make that clearer.
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sherlockedholmes is not online. sherlockedholmes
Joined: 03 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 11884
23 Oct 2014 07:18 PM
8th.

Current siggy is underconstuction
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Zipo99 is not online. Zipo99
Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 5344
23 Oct 2014 07:21 PM
Ya, I'm in 12th. My essays are graded a tad more rigorously--especially the ones for all my AP classes. Haha, last year was awful in AP Composition we had banned words in all of our writing.
No use of:
is
are
was
were
be
been
I
you
we
give/s/n

And, of course, we were graded on the college level. Ugh. No fun.
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Pexur is not online. Pexur
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 12779
23 Oct 2014 07:22 PM
ill help u with 1 sentence

>Imagination, let that word sink in, Imagination.

change it to this

>Imagination, let that word sink in.

sounds way better
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Marlov is not online. Marlov
Joined: 04 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 13945
23 Oct 2014 07:23 PM
this is a school paper right
take out all the BS and keep it simple but inspiring
youre writing a paper not trying to sell a cruddy toy in an infomercial thats on at 3am

checkm8
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Zipo99 is not online. Zipo99
Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 5344
23 Oct 2014 07:26 PM
@Pexur, Alternatively,

"There is often much connotation surrounding the concept of imagination."
It isn't how I would start my paper, but just reworking the original sentence this would be the more sophisticated way.
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sherlockedholmes is not online. sherlockedholmes
Joined: 03 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 11884
23 Oct 2014 07:32 PM
"Okay, first paragraph:
Take out the rhetorical questions. One is okay, marginally, but it better be a damn powerful question. Assert your position on the topic, don't ask your readers what their's is. This is, after all, a persuasive essay. Don't assume that your readers will answer the questions the same way as you do. So take out the rhetorical questions. Just delete that entire last sentence. Next, strive for more academic writing. Take out the "your" and "my." You could say instead something along the lines of "one might be persuaded by...." or something of that nature. Add some substance to your writing because I see a lot of fluff. "

Yes, I was thinking about the whole questions bit. I know that each reader that reads the essay will have their own opinion, I just got caught up so much in the fact that I needed to finish the paper.

"Second paragraph:
Okay, so real quick, humans haven't been around since the dawn of time. If the universe is some odd 13 billion years old, humanity is roughly 200,000 years old. Also, such a broad statement is very weak in writing. Next, this paragraph is better than the first, but I would still like to see more concrete substance. I could annotate your paper for grammatical mistakes, but right now I am focusing on material. Also, you mention that without imagination things would cease to exist, yet that is mere speculation. While I realize you cannot prove your point, try to have some logical connection. This is a persuasive essay, so persuade me. Right now it seems you are leaning more toward pathos, however logos would be nice to see. You could use some work on your pathos argument, however I don't know how to convey doing so without rewriting the essay for you."

I sadly agree that the second is better than my introduction.
Speaking of grammatical mistakes and all, do you think I'm over using my commas? I sometimes feel my sentences seem alittle runoff. I seem to have some sort of habit with runoffs.

Yeah.... Overall, I do feel like this essay is seeming to look more like an argument a teen would have with a parent on something they have little to no experience with.


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PuNiShEr5665 is not online. PuNiShEr5665
Joined: 12 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 33713
23 Oct 2014 07:34 PM
can you post the whole essay in one post so I dont have to go through and see wher you are right now
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violetrock1 is not online. violetrock1
Joined: 28 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 15118
23 Oct 2014 07:35 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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sherlockedholmes is not online. sherlockedholmes
Joined: 03 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 11884
23 Oct 2014 07:37 PM
@Pu, Once I get around to it, sure.
But I personally like to fix bit by bit.

Current siggy is underconstuction
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sherlockedholmes is not online. sherlockedholmes
Joined: 03 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 11884
23 Oct 2014 07:46 PM
Heres the rough draft version of my 4th paragraph, its sloppy and badly written since I finished it during my free period.

Society is thriving constantly, with trends to slang to technological use, and imagination plays a strong influence on society. People in this world are always making up the craziest things. YouTube for example, a large online community were people create videos and share with others, many people are able to create so much on there thanks to imagination and creativity. Social media such as, FaceBook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pintrest would all be gone if no one had the imagination to create it.


Current siggy is underconstuction
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PuNiShEr5665 is not online. PuNiShEr5665
Joined: 12 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 33713
23 Oct 2014 07:57 PM
first paragraph

Imagination, let that word sink in, Imagination. What do you think when you hear that word? Books, movies, art, clothes, thoughts maybe? Now, what if I were to tell you that imagination overrides knowledge, would you see me as mad or crazy? Maybe you see me as right, but if you think otherwise, what is your reasoning? Have you ever questioned knowledge and its importance? You see knowledge is diverted off of imagination, imagination is crucial to the existence of knowledge itself. Imagination is the base plate of knowledge, creation, and has had a large influence on society. Hear my words, they might change your perception.


^^^^^^^^^^ Yours ^^^^^^^^^
==============================
vvvvvvvvvv Mine vvvvvvvvvv

“Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.” said Albert Einstein, one of the greatest physicist and philosophers of the modern era. Imagine a world all to your own. You had the power to change every aspect of the world. Your choices there influence real life issues. Imagination has always been the power behind the founding of new knowledge. Imagination sparks creativity and from there, inspires the exploration of new and never tried before experiments. Unlike knowledge, you can never be limited in imagination. [insert last sentence that preludes to each of the body paragraphs]

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PuNiShEr5665 is not online. PuNiShEr5665
Joined: 12 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 33713
23 Oct 2014 09:00 PM
how did i do
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