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Re: OOC; Recover [STORY]

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PurelyRandom is not online. PurelyRandom
Joined: 05 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 36763
19 Oct 2014 09:19 PM
He opened his eyes. Murky, green fluid stung them and he closed them again.

Now there was no fluid, only cold air. He opened his eyes.

Outside his glass chamber, his eyes flew around, spotting several other chambers exactly like his. It was difficult to see what was in them. He looked down.

Two creatures swiped at the outside of his cell, clearing out years of dust and grime. Their skin was baggy and bright, and their face a clear plastic. Their hands were bright as well, but different from the skin. They were of a color that he would call "Yellow" in the future.

The glass lifted up and he stepped out, in front of the two baggy, white creatures. Behind their clear, plastic faces, he could see another head inside. The head was of a light color, again different from both their hands and skin. It was a brighter form of the color he would call "Brown".

He walked about the large room. The air was comfortable, and he felt "good".

"Look how happy the freak is," something said. Strange, he knew the words, yet he couldn't make sense of them. He was forgetting something.

But it didn't matter. They had described the way he felt in a single word: "Happy".

[TO BE CONTINUED]
[FEEDBACK/CRITICISM APPRECIATED]
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Torn7790 is not online. Torn7790
Joined: 11 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 5807
19 Oct 2014 09:22 PM
This looks pretty interesting to me, and you seem to have a pretty good grasp on how to write (at least compared to me). I'd need to see more to say much else, but thighs initial tid-bit looks pretty good.
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PurelyRandom is not online. PurelyRandom
Joined: 05 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 36763
19 Oct 2014 09:28 PM
He continued his movement around the room, staring at the chambers he could barely see from his own.

The first chamber had a different creature. No, wait. It was the same thing he saw behind the clear, plastic faces of the other two creatures. The other two must have an outer shell...

A loud, blurred voice appeared: "All janitorial personnel must remain inside their specified HazMat Suit. Thank you for complying with the Blue Star safety regulations."

Suits! That's what they were in. It's beginning to come back to him.

He shifted his focus back to the creature in the chamber. This creature had longer hair. It was wispy, and light. Something he would soon call "Blonde". He looked down at his arms. They were the same, pale shade that the creature in the chamber's was. It's eyes opened, and he jumped back. The creatures eyes were beautiful. They were a deep color. They were blue.

The creature's eyes shot around the room, only glancing at him. Then they closed. The green fluid emptied itself from the creature's chamber, and the other two creature's in HazMat Suits pushed him aside and began to swipe at the glass with their extended arms. No, it was their tools.

Soon the chamber opened and the blonde haired creature stepped down. It looked around the room, only glancing at him before it walked away.

"Ha, the freak should learn to live like that. He's gonna' be a loner," a voice said.

That was it. That was the word for the new feeling that flooded his emotions: Alone.
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PickachuGirl is not online. PickachuGirl
Joined: 19 Apr 2008
Total Posts: 42645
19 Oct 2014 09:29 PM
im interested
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
19 Oct 2014 09:31 PM
Good, and you're adding a degree of mystery to your works at first, but you are in desperate need of descriptives.

I honestly can't depict where the main character is, what he looks like, or what's really going on besides bare bone basics.
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Torn7790 is not online. Torn7790
Joined: 11 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 5807
19 Oct 2014 09:33 PM
It only got better. I especially like the progression of relearning the emotions. I'm pretty confident you'll be doing this as the story progresses and I'm just being a little impatient, but I think a bit more description of things will be needed further on. Like I said though, I'm sure that it's just me being impatient and such.
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PurelyRandom is not online. PurelyRandom
Joined: 05 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 36763
19 Oct 2014 09:36 PM
He turned around and ran towards the blonde-haired creatures. However, he fell on his face half way to it. He looked up from the ground and laughter echoed from behind him. He turned his head to face the HazMat creatures behind him. "Arhhghhuuah!" he shouted. He wanted them to stop, but they continued laughing.

He pulled himself up, ran to the HazMat creatures and swung his arm with a closed hand, cracking the plastic face of one of the creatures. That same creature struck back with its extended tool, knocking him to the ground.

The loud, blurred voice came about again, "Security personnel, contain subject 'Jack' in Room 46E."

He got back up and took another swing at the creature with the cracked, plastic face, knocking it to the ground. Before he could swing at the other creature, thick, brutal hands gripped his arms and held them in place. He looked to his sides to see two larger creatures of metal skin. They turned him around, still locking his arms into place.

He struggled to break free...Until his eyes met the blonde-haired creature's. The creature looked at him with a look that the other two HazMat creatures had looked at him. It looked at him with a look of disgust. However, there was something else to it. Another face that he could not distinguish.

He stopped struggling and let the two metal-skinned creatures carry him away as he continued to stare at the blonde creature with large eyes. Then another glass door shut behind him, followed by a metal door. He could no longer see the blonde creature.

Once again, he felt alone.
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PurelyRandom is not online. PurelyRandom
Joined: 05 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 36763
19 Oct 2014 09:38 PM
[@Romuluz & Other guy; Yeah, basically the guy ("him") is still trying to come to his senses. As such, I am describing the world as he sees it. It will continue to grow in detail as he "recovers".]
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PurelyRandom is not online. PurelyRandom
Joined: 05 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 36763
19 Oct 2014 09:38 PM
[@Romuluz; Also, there's an intent behind not describing the main character. You'll see why soon. :)]
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
19 Oct 2014 09:47 PM
Okay I will keep reading but you can still describe the rest of the surroundings. Also, a good way to describe a character without giving too much away is by casting them in darkness or in the shadows.

it's a technique I use in early appearences of the main antagonist in my trilogy.
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PurelyRandom is not online. PurelyRandom
Joined: 05 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 36763
19 Oct 2014 10:27 PM
@Romuluz; Yeah, I considered that, but to me that's a bit cliche. Wanted to keep it secretive in a way that the reader is viewing the world through the eyes of the main character and progresses with that character.
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
19 Oct 2014 11:52 PM
It's actually not cliche at all. It's just a tool used by authors to convey that message. Always covering one's face or eyes or keeping their back turned in every scene towards the main character is another way to convey that, although you can't necesarily use the last one.

you need more descriptives in general though beyond that, as your parts are short and give little info.
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PurelyRandom is not online. PurelyRandom
Joined: 05 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 36763
21 Oct 2014 12:12 AM
Beep.

The door in front of him opened and he stepped out into the hallway. Looking down, he could see layers of almost copies of the floor he was on. Other creatures also exited their cells and walked to a small door at the end of the platform.

He followed them and when he got to the front of the line, was confused. "Aaathuh ellliz iss?" He wanted to ask, "What the hell is this?", but he couldn't.

He slammed his closed fist onto the metal counter in front of him, prompting a metal-skinned creature to turn its head toward him. Immediately he relaxed and followed the line.

A sharp object was placed into his wrist, and he felt a sting. Thinking nothing of it, he continued through a glowing doorway, watched carefully by the metal-skinned creatures.

After a while of careless walking through a dense hallway, he arrived at a large chamber filled with metal boxes of various sizes. Other creatures, now with grey skin suits, were loading these boxes onto large platforms.

He jumped back as one of the platforms floated into the air and sped forward.

Something placed a hand on his left shoulder and he flinched. He turned his head to the creature, who was wearing a suit similar to the grey suits he saw around the chamber, except this one had a gold line forming a 'V' shape below the neck.

"Scared?", the creature said, "Don't be. You've gotta' learn to relax here." He relaxed, and felt that this creature, whoever it was, was trustworthy.

But that trust still didn't take away the emotion that was flooding him. The world he thought was in his control, the small glass chambers with green fluid and the beautiful blonde-haired creature had suddenly grown exponentially. Worst of all, the new size of this world was no longer in his control.

This frightened him.
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PurelyRandom is not online. PurelyRandom
Joined: 05 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 36763
20 Dec 2014 01:48 PM
Beep.

The large door that seemed to exit out into darkness pried itself apart, letting a large silver ship into the chamber. The ship landed before him as he shielded his face from the mixture of dust and heat blowing towards him.

"Alrighty! Time to get this ship loaded! Let's go!" a raspy, yet loud, voice commanded. Suddenly the creatures loading the crates began to work faster, almost in a panic.

He was pushed down from behind as he fell on his face on the lower platform, where the other creatures were. He looked up behind him and saw the creature with the grey suit smirking as he turned and exited the chamber.

"Hey, you. Help us over here," a voice said. This was one of the first friendly voices he'd heard since his awakening. He walked over to the voice, coming from a pale creature with no hair. "Here, start putting these things into boxes," the creature said, handing him a small silver case.

Curious, he tried to open the lock on the front of the box, but the bald creature stopped him before he could. "Don't do that," the creature warned him, before turning back to load more crates.

And so life went on as he learned his new position in this facility. He began to load crate after crate, caught in this horrid cycle.
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MrVincent is not online. MrVincent
Joined: 10 Apr 2009
Total Posts: 2553
20 Dec 2014 02:34 PM
Interesting.

However, there are tons of unnecessary quotation marks.
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