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Re: Story I Wrote. Not edited yet.

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lopj245 is not online. lopj245
Joined: 18 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 186
12 Oct 2014 12:52 AM
Drowning

10-11-14


The days seem to blur by faster than the speed of sound, school was hell for me and I didn’t understand why, and like any other day I was drowning… I knew it but no one else did, they just ignored it and put it off as someone elses problem. …. The funny thing Is… I was drowning… Day by day by day the water crept up my body…. slowly consuming me more! and more! and more! until none was left... Until that one day… The day I let it in. Instead of fighting it like I usally did, I let it in… Im sooo glad.. I let IT in. I finally had someone to talk to about the pain I always felt… He was kinda funny though, he only spoke when we were alone.. He said it was normal among his kind but he would never speak around others. We started out talking about the problems, Mostly with the world. The world was dark.. Others HA I couldn’t trust others.. No one . But myself and it. It didn’t have a name but I knew he loved me. For who I was, he understood me, he listened, gave me advice. I trusted him, I put faith in him. We began talking about revenge.. Revenge on the unjust path the world gave me. We planned for months on how to get achieve our goal. I wanted the satisfaction of saying I told you so… My father was a gun collector.. One time he even took money out of my trust fund to buy himself a limited edition shotgun.. I’m not sure of the caliber but he admired it every chance he had. Then It struck me.. It was a day like all the rest and it just flew by. The bus ride home wasn’t to bad. Upon arriving home I wrote a letter to my parents about the pain Ive been in for the past year and how I asked and even begged for help, like there was a person inside me scratching at the walls dying to get out. I was finished, I thought it would suffice so I continued with my plan. I went to my dads gun safe and grabbed his gun and one shell and headed back to my room. I loaded the gun and pulled the hammer back. It took me awhile to figure out how I should do it, Front of the head, side then I realised. I took the gun and aimed it at my face, Opened my mouth and stuck the cold tasteless barrel down my throat. I turned off the safety and started to pull the trigger, slowly, slowly , slowly and then I realised… I couldn’t hear it



Thanks for taking the time to read my story this was all made up. I also write fantasy and mythical genre also.
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mageofpower is not online. mageofpower
Top 100 Poster
Joined: 01 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 43654
12 Oct 2014 01:05 AM
....
....
....
It's 20:0 AM in the morning. I don't have time to go through every flaw in this. I'll just say it's not good and leave it at that.
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lopj245 is not online. lopj245
Joined: 18 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 186
12 Oct 2014 01:27 AM
Like I said sir its not finished this is about 20-30 min worth of work. Just some ideas.
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prettyangeI2003 is not online. prettyangeI2003
Joined: 22 Sep 2014
Total Posts: 1875
14 Oct 2014 02:49 AM
TL;dr m8 k
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phoniex is not online. phoniex
Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Total Posts: 34985
14 Oct 2014 10:05 AM
Text walls can kill. Use paragraphs.
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WeekendGoddess is not online. WeekendGoddess
Joined: 13 Jul 2013
Total Posts: 4161
14 Oct 2014 11:22 AM
^
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mageofpower is not online. mageofpower
Top 100 Poster
Joined: 01 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 43654
14 Oct 2014 02:29 PM
It's 20:0 AM

Or 2:00 AM. Whatever. I was tired.
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AwsomeAndrewD is not online. AwsomeAndrewD
Joined: 12 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 40000
14 Oct 2014 02:41 PM
The story is ok, but not the best. No offense.
It's a one way train, there is no arch in the story.
For example
It would be better if the person had some kind of hope not to shoot themselves, then they blew their chance and they shoot themselves. It just makes the story more interesting.
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