generic image
Processing...
  • Games
  • Catalog
  • Develop
  • Robux
  • Search in Players
  • Search in Games
  • Search in Catalog
  • Search in Groups
  • Search in Library
  • Log In
  • Sign Up
  • Games
  • Catalog
  • Develop
  • Robux
   
ROBLOX Forum » Role-Playing
Home Search
 

Re: A little excerpt.

Previous Thread :: Next Thread 
romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
15 Sep 2014 03:33 AM

Boots slammed against cold steel floors in endless rows as groups of coalition soldiers raced towards their destination, hard faced drill sergeants urging them to move faster. In response, the soldiers pumped their legs harder, eager to please their superiors. The lines were almost entirely filled with humans, although, the rough, battle hardened faces of other species could be spotted among the coalition's ranks, their armor specially tailored to fit their own kind, yet still maintaining the same uniform look. This, however, was a rarity.

"Do not stop! Do not falter! This is war gentlemen! A war we fight against a brutal, ruthless enemy! Here, on board the ISS Retribution, we are kind to you! Stopping will only lead to a few lashes and no dinner! But on the field, the Nafarians will not be so generous! They will execute you where you stand!" Yelled a very prominent looking man as he looked over the sea of helmet clad heads, standing on a cat walk, elevated a good ten feet above the running soldiers. He wore a smirk upon his rough, toned face.

The man looked confident as he stood, his hands clasped tightly within one another behind him, a large cap fitting over his brown hair as a light grey trenchcoat wrapped itself tightly around his body. Upon his proud, broad chest lay a collection of shiny medals that reflected the harsh light of the ship's loading hall, enhancing their vibrant colors.

The marching soldiers have been told for the past weeks of the momentous day that now only lay a scant fourty eight ahead of them. An invasion lead by an intergalactic coalition known as the IU against the brutal incursion of a highly aggressive race known as the Nafarians, a threat many aboard the vessel knew well. It was a threat that some embraced with open arms, eager to seek revenge for the alleged crimes the Nafarian people had committed in their mass invasion. Others however, also feared this threat, hearing the tales from the governments and species that opposed the Nafarians on the front lines of their brutal policies and massive war machines supported by hard-headed soldiers who knew nothing of the concepts of retreat or mercy. Many too, however had little knowledge of why they fought, only responding to the draft or jumping blindly into the fight due to media hype, seeking adventure and shipping themselves from their safe, naive, inner sect worlds.

Among the ranks, one soldier picked his head up for a moment as he ran, laying a set of calm, brown eyes upon the confident man as he spoke. His uniform spoke for him, showing him to be a very important officer among the IU forces, and he knew it too. He looked down smugly at the cannon fodder before him, knowing that no matter the outcome of the task at hand, it would be these grunts, not him who would be perishing at the hands of the Nafarian legionaries.

The soldier quickly averted his gaze away from the officer, looking forward once more at the armored back of his comrade in front of him. They all held the same visage as him, rough, emotionless faces staring blindly forward as they marched down the long hallway, that now resembled a production line of sorts, sending row after row of fresh soldiers towards an uncertain fate.

The platoon soon grew close to their destination, a large, arched doorway, marking an end to the long hall. Through it, the soldiers could see a wider room with a massive viewport, exposing the unending darkness of space that lay just outside of the comfortable, steel confines of the carrier. The first rows of soldiers running through the welcoming arch quickly slowed their jog, walking first, and then halting as they bent over, their hands on their knees as they gasped desperately for air. The brown eyed soldier quickly slowed down himself as his row entered the room, he like the others resting for a few moments before the officer himself arrived, with the last of the large, exhausted platoon, his very presence demanding respect, as the soldiers pulled from the very last reserves of their energy to snap a crisp salute to the well groomed man.

The brown eyed soldier was the last to salute, doing so in between deep, gasping breaths as his gaze fell once more on the man. He looked up and down the platoon, one hundred men strong as they lay scattered and exhausted about the small room, none daring to break the salute until the officer gave the command.

"At ease, gentlemen!" The officer finally barked, pleased with what he saw. "Your nightly routine went off without a hitch, the IU will be pleased with your performance. Now, off with all of you. Nafarian blood awaits to be spilled, and that is not a task that can be achieved by tired men and women! A well deserved break for all!" He announced with great pleasure, his eery, smug smile not escaping his face as he spoke.

The soldiers reacted quickly to his words, not hesitating to strip the more clumbersome gear from off of their shoulders, letting it hang loosely from their fingertips as they slowly sauntered off towards changing rooms and private quarters alike. The brown eyed soldier quickly fell behind the rest of the group, tired, and unwilling to socialize with the rest as they talked and joked lightly, shoving any worries or fears about the coming invasion into the dark recesses of their minds. A false mask of joy and happiness was all they showed, happiness that the brown eyed soldier was currently unfamiliar with, replaced instead with overwhelming dread that he, unlike the others was not to keen on hiding. He buried himself within his own thoughts, only for mere moments before being pulled from his sanctuary by a rather jolly looking soldier with a thin, lanky build, and an olive completion, who playfully punched his shoulder, a grin upon his stubble covered face.

"Unlike this fellow here!" He exclaimed towards a small gathering of equally merry soldiers who walked with him.

"Huh?" The brown eyed soldier asked in response, being whipped away from his mindless trance.

"He talks!" Exclaimed the soldier who then strode over towards his position, wrapping one arm over the soldier's neck, letting it dangle loosely from his shoulder as he now walked with him as he spoke. "We were only speaking of how... enthusiastic, we all are at striking back at the Nafarian menace, but you, you my friend are not like the rest of us. Tell me fellow, what is your name, and why do you keep to yourself?"

The brown eyed soldier hesitated for a moment before responding, keeping pace with this rather eccentric new companion he acquired as they neared the room's exit, now being clogged with the massive backup of personnel. Each of the drill sergeants stood near the front, screaming for the soldiers to move through rank and file until their faces turned beet red, an order that was not followed by the weary people as they slumped through the doorway in a lazy mob.

"I am Jek." responded the brown eyed soldier, pulling the rather cheery fellow's hand from off of his shoulder. "And I am quiet, for, I, like the rest of you stare at the face of death, drafted from my home world. I never wanted to be a soldier. Never wanted to fight, or hold a gun, even against an enemy as treacherous as the Nafarians." He explained.

"Depressing." Mused the cheerful man as the men and women who once followed him began to part ways from the two, allowing them to speak. "But we all face death my friend, and you're far from the only drafted soldier who was whisked away from their lives, in fact, I, am like you, and never wanted to shoot at another living being, and yet here I am!" He said with a laugh. "So what's the use of making these last few days in safety miserable? Why not, give yourself a purpose in this twist of fate? Like myself?"

"I suppose you have a point." Jek shot back.

"Of course I do!" The man cried in response. "Tell me friend, have you lost any family members to these beasts? Has anyone you know died on the front against their crusade?" He inquired, his sharp, black eyebrows raising with curiosity.

"Well, no." Jek responded honestly. "I'm from the inner sect nations, the Nafarian onslaught is mere politics and talk from where I'm from. In fact, I've never even seen a live Nafarian before, let alone having to think of taking up arms against one." He said as they grew closer to the doorway, the sergeants having given up on directing the lackadaisical mess that shuffled in through the narrow corridor.

"Ah so you're one of them!" He said with grin, patting Jek on the back.

"Them?" Jek asked.

"A softy, a boy from one of the inner sect worlds, someone who hasn't had to worry about whether or not the big red ships would be crashing through their atmospheres." Explained the jolly soldier with a laugh. "Some of the boys and girls here won't take too kindly to you... because of your origins, just earlier an inner sect boy was beaten in the lockers, mainly by those who have lost friends and family in the conflict. But don't worry lad, stick with me and you'll be fine, oh but where are my manners! You don't even know my name do you?" He inquired with glee.

"Well, no-no I don't." Jek stammered in response.

"The name's Will my friend, this'll be my third deployment. I've been fighting these look-alike bastards for a while now, and let me tell you, I jumped at the chance to take the fight to them for once!" He exclaimed.

Jek mulled over his friend's words, he had seen battle, and survived. This thought seemed to calm Jek's troubled mind as the pair moved towards the opening, shuffling through with the rest of the contingent, passing into a smaller, dark hall, only a few, dim lights lining the ceilings as they directed the men to a series of changing rooms, all unigender and open to the halls. Jek caught short glimpses of soldiers changing within the brighter interiors of the locker rooms. He returned his attention to Will, who still strutted beside him, his grin still prominent on his face.

"Have you lost anyone to the war Will?" Asked Jek.

The smile on Will's face now faded as Jek asked his question, his expression turning more somber.

"Loads." He began. "Two brothers, and many more friends. You see Jek, unlike you, I lived in an outer sect nation, a single planet nation, easy prey for them." He continued, running a hand through his crisp, black hair.

"Have you watched many of them die?" Asked Jek, still curious.

"Let me just say I watched my homeworld burn as they slowly stole it from our government's weak grasp." He replied, sounding slightly irritated at Jek's brash questions. "I was only sixteen when they attacked, a year and a half short from enlisting. I know you're new to this whole thing Jek so let me tell you, it's no fun being helpless as you watch an alien regime take the world you grew up in."

"I'm-I'm, sorry." Jek replied, realizing he had overstepped his boundaries.

"It's fine." Will said in response. "What's done is done, but now my friend, we take the fight to them! No longer will we cower am I right!" He shouted, not only to Jek now but to the entirety of who remained with them in the dark corridor as he raised his fist into the air.

"Aye!" Came the shouting calls of the men and women who served the IU, a rowdy, hopeful looking bunch.

Will's grin returned to him as he retreated back to Jek, the soldiers now chatting excitedly amongst each other, as they spoke of the glories they would all share within the next few days. They fought a very popular war, not exactly a war of survival but a war of freedom, and they, as humanity's vanguard, would not go silently into the mists as the Nafarian war machine stomped into their worlds. They would not sit idly by as their brothers were forced to swear fealty to the one known as Ven'Ziel, the father and leader of the Nafarian people, no, they would fight until the bitter end, fighting for freedom, for independence.
Report Abuse
soardlo is not online. soardlo
Joined: 24 Apr 2008
Total Posts: 19593
15 Sep 2014 08:08 AM
"Little"
Report Abuse
PawzKat is not online. PawzKat
Joined: 22 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 21011
15 Sep 2014 08:09 AM
> little.
Report Abuse
romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
15 Sep 2014 12:01 PM
sofkpsvksp
Report Abuse
Laserbeak89 is not online. Laserbeak89
Joined: 24 Sep 2011
Total Posts: 8461
15 Sep 2014 12:57 PM
That's little..
Report Abuse
romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
15 Sep 2014 02:00 PM
It's only like, 2,000 words...

and considering the piece is going to be quite large, this is but a small chunk of it.

Getting to the point however, this is a very early draft and I want people's oppinions on it(Probably going to change portions of it myself anyhow, most noteably the beginning.) but would like people's oppinions on it to help guide my edits.
Report Abuse
InsidiousRogue is not online. InsidiousRogue
Joined: 10 Oct 2013
Total Posts: 2095
15 Sep 2014 02:13 PM
69/10
Would meme again
Report Abuse
romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
15 Sep 2014 02:34 PM
Dermit insideeous.
Report Abuse
romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
15 Sep 2014 05:14 PM
bump.
Report Abuse
romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
15 Sep 2014 07:12 PM
Critique this u ggjhdjensj
Report Abuse
MrVincent is not online. MrVincent
Joined: 10 Apr 2009
Total Posts: 2553
15 Sep 2014 07:39 PM
Wow, it's so... so-

tl;dr
Report Abuse
SgtextremeEpsilon is online. SgtextremeEpsilon
Joined: 06 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 3708
15 Sep 2014 08:03 PM
um
it's okay
not the best piece of writing i've read ever
but it's good
8/10
the cockroach lord is pleased
Report Abuse
romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
15 Sep 2014 09:42 PM
I will touch you and ur tl;dr crap
Report Abuse
romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
15 Sep 2014 09:43 PM
@Sgt:

Suggestions? Keep in mind this is an unedited rough draft.
Report Abuse
SgtextremeEpsilon is online. SgtextremeEpsilon
Joined: 06 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 3708
15 Sep 2014 11:07 PM
Mmmm
It's really good,a lot better than anything I could do.
I can see where people would like it.
It's just that,the writing style is a bit..different than what I usually read, but eh.
And also, I'm just not that much of a fan of the story.
A more fitting rating would be a 9/10 or a 10/10.
All in all..
An amazing story,nice grammar(You did mess up a lil' bit but, eh, even the most talented writers make mistakes sometimes.), and overall, I'll probably be reading it when/if it's done.

THE COCKROACH LORD HAS SPOKEN.
Report Abuse
romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
15 Sep 2014 11:30 PM
Thanks, don't be afraid to give suggestions, this chapter alone is probably going to be changed up a bit by the time i release the full thing, mostly I'm iffy about how I oppened it but Idk.

I can pm you the premise if you'd like.
Report Abuse
SgtextremeEpsilon is online. SgtextremeEpsilon
Joined: 06 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 3708
15 Sep 2014 11:38 PM
Oh, I'm fine.



Report Abuse
Tikobe is not online. Tikobe
Joined: 12 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 6366
15 Sep 2014 11:41 PM
I like the story, and the concept, and you're writing reaches levels beyond exemplary. But at the beginning it was hard to switch from brown-eyed soldier to Jek. I'd recommend that at the beginning you find other things to call him beyond brown-eyed soldier or else the name swap can be uncomfortable for most audiences.
Report Abuse
romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
15 Sep 2014 11:46 PM
Noted, probably will make the switch when i revise this chapter.
Report Abuse
romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
16 Sep 2014 03:20 AM
Bump.
Report Abuse
PawzKat is not online. PawzKat
Joined: 22 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 21011
16 Sep 2014 07:18 AM
I still haven't actually read this.
Report Abuse
TehBloxx4h is not online. TehBloxx4h
Joined: 24 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 5577
16 Sep 2014 07:30 AM
toly dory
Report Abuse
romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
16 Sep 2014 02:58 PM
wtf is toly dory?

and u make me cri pawz.
Report Abuse
romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
16 Sep 2014 04:02 PM
bumpity bump urself before ur dump urself.
Report Abuse
romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
17 Sep 2014 12:20 AM
qq
Report Abuse
Previous Thread :: Next Thread 
Page 1 of 1
 
 
ROBLOX Forum » Role-Playing
   
 
   
  • About Us
  • Jobs
  • Blog
  • Parents
  • Help
  • Terms
  • Privacy

©2017 Roblox Corporation. Roblox, the Roblox logo, Robux, Bloxy, and Powering Imagination are among our registered and unregistered trademarks in the U.S. and other countries.



Progress
Starting Roblox...
Connecting to Players...
R R

Roblox is now loading. Get ready to play!

R R

You're moments away from getting into the game!

Click here for help

Check Remember my choice and click Launch Application in the dialog box above to join games faster in the future!

Gameplay sponsored by:
Loading 0% - Starting game...
Get more with Builders Club! Join Builders Club
Choose Your Avatar
I have an account
generic image