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Re: Guest 666 (Fail Atemmpt at writing a creepy pasta)

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ridesandbloopahs is not online. ridesandbloopahs
Joined: 02 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 1015
16 Sep 2012 12:40 AM
"I had been playing on Roblox for over a year now and I have seen quite a few odd names guests like "Guest 1337" and "Guest 1" but I did not expect to see "Guest 666". I was at an obby stuck on lava jumps like always. I was all alone until a guest entered the game. The screen froze for a second and what was once "Guest 8527" became "Guest 666". I shivered at the sight. I left the game and was so terrified. I went on the forums and decided to post about it when I got a party request from "Guest 666". I was no freaked. Guest couldn't send parties. I accepted and typed "GO AWAY YOU HACKER!". He said nothing for a few minutes until he said to follow him. So I did. There were 5 other people at the place which I assumed to be others being haunted by this assumed hacker. I took a screenshot to show to my friends this crazy sight. The guest typed in the chat "Hello, I am your nightmare...." He went on and on and on. I left the game and the party. I checked my post on the fourms. I saw it had one reply. It was from telamon. It stated "Guest 666 is not real. I will close this thread". I didn't believe this on bit. I thought about it an relized that he is hiding something. I checked the screenshot but it was not what I had taken. It was my dear mother, my only living family member hung. I screamed and ran downstairs to see it was real. I began to cry when I heard one little thing. It was the door. I felt breathing on my neck. It was him. He said with his evil voice "I am not real...". It was obvious he was quoting the thread. I screamed and realized I was in a hospital. I was so scared. This is the final time I will be writing this. He is here...."

This is the case I had gotten in the mail. I checked out this game called "ROBLOX" and as soon as I logged in "he" sent me a party.

(Opinions and should I write more?)
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spinechiller is not online. spinechiller
Joined: 07 Feb 2008
Total Posts: 17210
16 Sep 2012 07:28 AM
Your writing style really isn't "perfected", as you began the whole story in quotation marks. Quotation marks only go around words when someone is speaking in your story. You also don't need a period after the end of your sentence if it already has a ending punctuation mark;

Ex) "GO AWAY YOU HACKER!".

Another thing; don't transition so quickly.

Ex) I screamed and realized I was in a hospital.

You never said HOW exactly you got to the hospital. Did the neighbors hear you scream and called 911? If you had no memory of it, you could just say, for instance, that "everything went black and I woke up in a hospital bed with no memory of the incident".

But, my overall opinion of this really matters on the subject; ROBLOX. You honestly can't make a good creepypasta on ROBLOX, no matter how many times people have tried.

If you fix these mistakes and pick a, well, better subject to write about, I think it'd come out better.

(And yes, I am a Grammar Natzi.)
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ridesandbloopahs is not online. ridesandbloopahs
Joined: 02 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 1015
16 Sep 2012 09:26 AM
Thank you for the opinions!
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xxglueyxx is not online. xxglueyxx
Joined: 17 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 21
24 Dec 2013 04:18 PM
Derp
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Ultracrash is not online. Ultracrash
Joined: 13 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 11022
24 Dec 2013 04:28 PM
what the hell is a natzi?
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MarioDude0123 is not online. MarioDude0123
Joined: 27 Jan 2013
Total Posts: 9290
24 Dec 2013 04:29 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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aznguyitran is not online. aznguyitran
Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Total Posts: 18600
24 Dec 2013 05:03 PM
It's a see not.
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MarioDude0123 is not online. MarioDude0123
Joined: 27 Jan 2013
Total Posts: 9290
24 Dec 2013 05:06 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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Slime2345 is not online. Slime2345
Joined: 29 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 2656
24 Dec 2013 05:07 PM
He is trying to pass through the filter guis.
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timpookie is not online. timpookie
Joined: 18 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 21924
24 Dec 2013 05:08 PM
So-so. I can't really see how this was supposed to be scary, but it's an interesting basis for a story.

The Bannanachairs have all been revived from the dead! Yay!
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aznguyitran is not online. aznguyitran
Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Total Posts: 18600
24 Dec 2013 05:10 PM
You need to fix your spelling, punctuation, and grammar.
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iMikeasaurus123 is not online. iMikeasaurus123
Joined: 09 Apr 2013
Total Posts: 15
27 Apr 2014 04:36 PM
more
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Kuroiomar is not online. Kuroiomar
Joined: 01 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 1
11 May 2014 01:05 PM
I know right this guys grammar is horrible.
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mageofpower is not online. mageofpower
Top 100 Poster
Joined: 01 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 43654
11 May 2014 01:07 PM
This would be the part where I insult the story for being terrible. But OP has already done that. 'Tis no fun ridiculing something even the author realizes is bad. So, work hard. Practice and get better I suppose. I'm not good at giving advice.
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mathsman49 is not online. mathsman49
Joined: 28 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 1488
18 Aug 2014 07:44 AM
this is from 2012 dudes (two years ago)
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wohoo1997 is not online. wohoo1997
Joined: 28 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 9101
18 Aug 2014 10:18 AM
i am guest 666
many people believe i am fake
screw them
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Oshawottfan33 is not online. Oshawottfan33
Joined: 18 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 12115
09 Sep 2014 10:48 PM
swag
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rose6666 is not online. rose6666
Joined: 19 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 6541
10 Sep 2014 05:19 PM
this is so hot
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BranFlakes1099 is not online. BranFlakes1099
Joined: 13 Jun 2010
Total Posts: 4537
10 Sep 2014 08:44 PM
It's awesome, but maybe cut back on the "I was so scared" or "I was crying"

Maybe use more vivid adjectives and make it more detailed.

Love the Creepypasta Idea though!
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Cherryblossom348 is not online. Cherryblossom348
Joined: 24 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 61
12 Sep 2014 09:22 PM
2spooky4me
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collestgirl is not online. collestgirl
Joined: 27 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 6617
16 Sep 2014 09:43 PM
I began to cry when I heard one little thing. It was the door. I felt breathing on my neck. It was him. He said with his mighty voice "Its r@ping time"
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Mazen1557 is not online. Mazen1557
Joined: 25 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 23
04 Oct 2014 08:41 AM
I'm never going to play alone again 0-0
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VladOfTheAlpacas is not online. VladOfTheAlpacas
Joined: 19 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 376
04 Oct 2014 09:44 AM
this is terrible
and i've seen guest 666 multiple times in the past 3 days
they're common
now if you're a radical guest trainer like me, you have a shiny legendary guest with perfect stats.
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HOBOSWANTFOOD is not online. HOBOSWANTFOOD
Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Total Posts: 19053
04 Oct 2014 01:14 PM
whoa dude that's me from back then.
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collestgirl is not online. collestgirl
Joined: 27 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 6617
14 Nov 2014 09:37 PM

bump

Im just a kid who's four each day I grow some more
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