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Re: The Feather of a Dragon(Story)

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0Reborn0 is not online. 0Reborn0
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1212
19 Jun 2014 01:31 AM
-1-
I sat here, in my chair, listening to the teacher's lecture of magic.
"Magic works like this: It is the power to invoke something to happen with the magic in your body!
Some people are born with more magic than others.
But, everyone can train and strengthen the magic inside!
It could be fire, ice, or any other element.
But, you can also learn the others."

Sighing, I focused as much as I could. Even though I was agitated, waiting for the bell, it still was better than just sitting there and doing nothing.

"There are 8 elements, fire, ice, water, earth, light, darkness, wind, and: Pure.
Each of them can be used for many things"

"That's up for class! Dismissed."

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DoctorOptimus is not online. DoctorOptimus
Joined: 20 May 2014
Total Posts: 245
19 Jun 2014 01:43 AM
If this is going to be a whole story you should add more to each post before you post every two minutes and you get hated on.Like,make it more than less than a paragraph.Make it an actual chapter.
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0Reborn0 is not online. 0Reborn0
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1212
19 Jun 2014 03:51 PM
^ You're right.
However, it was kinda like ripping out my heart writing this little paragraph.
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0Reborn0 is not online. 0Reborn0
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1212
20 Jun 2014 01:21 AM
Walking out of the school, I was greeted by some of my classmates. "Hey Sachi!" they all said.
Sachi. My name. No last name.
My life was a little bit strange. I never knew my parents. I just was found on the doorstep of Neri, my foster mother. Strangely, I was found on her doorstep a week after the village chief and wife died.
Going to my home, I found it eerie. The only occupant of the house was me, because Neri disappeared two years ago. One day she decided to go hunting, the next day, she was gone.
I reached my home, feeling irritated.

My home was a one floor home, with two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a living room, a laundry room, and a kitchen. It was nice, but made me feel slightly sad because sometimes I came home expecting Neri to be home.
My home was in good condition, except for the fact that a window was broken.
My friend, Erin, decided to break into my home and steal my sword.

"I'll give it back to you if you'll duel me, Sachi.
Meet me at the edge of the Barrier after school.
Don't tell anyone."

I dropped my backpack on the floor.
Time to duel.
We would be dueling with swords. It might've seemed strange, but we lived in a place where it was fine.


I reached the edge of the Barrier we lived in, taking a path through the forest that surrounded the village. At the end of the path, I was greeted by clear fields at the edge of the barrier. The Barrier was a shield protecting our village, by preventing people from entering. It also prevented us from exiting save for some rare days.

Eyeing the field, I noted there was no high ground;the ground was level. There would be nothing to use as a terrain advantage.
Erin stood in the middle of the field, tracing lines in the dirt.
"Did you seriously want to duel me so badly you had to break my window and steal my sword? You could've just asked!" I yelled, standing meters away from her.
"If I didn't break your window, you wouldn't have come." was the reply I got.
Even though it was a rude thing to do, I probably wouldn't have come if she didn't steal my sword.

Erin tossed my sword fast towards me, I quickly backed away until the sword hit the ground.
My sword was a one-edged katana, bluish in colour.
Picking up the katana, I asked
"So, the rules of the due-"
I was cut short, because Erin suddenly started running towards me , wielding her one-edged broadsword.
I quickly brought up my katana to block the broadsword.
"Hey, what's the big idea!? We haven't even set standards for the duel!"
Erin stepped back, silent, and brought down her sword to hit me.
If I didn't step back, she would've cut my hand off.
Luckily, only my hand was cut slightly.

This wasn't a little duel anymore.
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0Reborn0 is not online. 0Reborn0
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1212
25 Jun 2014 01:20 AM
"If you don't want to hurt them, disarm them" Neri had once said.

That's what I was planning to do. To disarm Erin. I'd then tell the adults in the village what she did.

I tripped over a rock, and fell to the ground. Erin was on me immediately, prepared to stab me.
As she was trying to stab me, she stood still.


That's what I was looking for.
I rolled over as her sword fell to the ground. Grabbing the sword, I quickly crawled away from her.
Her legs were frozen in a mound of ice. Ice I made. She dropped her sword because I burnt her hands with fire. Fire I made.

She shouldn't be able to escape. I knew her for a long time, she didn't know much magic. She wasn't strong enough to break the ice either. Her body was abnormally small, muscular for being small, but not enough to break the ice.

"What the hell, Erin?!
What do you think you're doing?" I said.

"Your blonde hair and blue eyes. I wanted to kidnap you for torture." she replied.

Torture? Is she insane?

"Are you crazy, Erin?
Do you need a doctor?"

Laughing, she said
"A doctor? The only thing that'll be healing me is torturing you."

"What's with you and "torturing" me?
I'm going back to Palming to get an adult. You're dangerous to people now, Erin."

I strengthened the ice, and started to walk away.
Slowly walking away, I moved in the direction of the village, Palming.

What would I do with Erin? Should I really report her? No, I shouldn't.
I turned around, deciding to walk back to Erin and thaw her.



There was no need to thaw her. Erin wasn't in the block of ice, the block of ice wasn't even there anymore.




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0Reborn0 is not online. 0Reborn0
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1212
25 Jun 2014 01:25 AM
WON'T ANYONE GIVE FEEDBACK?? I NEED FEEDBACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
25 Jun 2014 02:33 AM
"^ You're right.
However, it was kinda like ripping out my heart writing this little paragraph."

With that right there, I can say you're really not cut out to be a writer.

Why do something you don't enjoy on your free time?
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0Reborn0 is not online. 0Reborn0
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1212
25 Jun 2014 02:39 PM
I do enjoy writing, but it feels a little embarassing if people don't like it.
Kinda like how you're scared about admitting to someone you have a crush on them.
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0Reborn0 is not online. 0Reborn0
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1212
25 Jun 2014 02:51 PM
Didn't mean for that side comment to come off as I don't enjoy writing.
I just meant I was kinda scared you'd reject my story, since it has amateur writing.
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0Reborn0 is not online. 0Reborn0
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1212
25 Jun 2014 11:26 PM
Buuuuuuuuuump.
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0Reborn0 is not online. 0Reborn0
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1212
26 Jun 2014 12:10 AM
Come on! Anything I need to improve on?
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0Reborn0 is not online. 0Reborn0
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1212
26 Jun 2014 12:14 AM
I NEED FEEDBACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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RaiinaboPhonin is not online. RaiinaboPhonin
Joined: 24 Dec 2013
Total Posts: 22
26 Jun 2014 01:05 AM
So I see you want feedback
I like writing so here I go, since you're a rare species
However I'm very bad at constructive criticism because I'm a positive person I actually enjoyed your story so far, but I can't say much about it since it's new and stuff. I'm not sure what you should approve on either, or if there are any flaws. What I'll assume you should do in the future though (if it's gonna be a long story) is:
- Backstory on Sachi and Erin. There should be a reason why this "torture" is such a shock to Sachi
- More on Sachi's past. From what you got so far it's pretty interesting
- Overall develop Sachi's character (Main protagonist logic so yeah) And hopefully the storyline should move along well

This all seems like a really good idea.
Try not to do the following (these are all mistakes I try not to make but sometimes make anyway because of my writer struggles):
- Rush things
- Make the story too slow
- Add in a bunch of unnecessary things (Once I wrote a story and I'm super ashamed of it because I added in too many side characters and a bunch of romance for no reason)

Good luck~ :D

“If you can’t handle my silence, then you certainly don’t deserve me at my most expressive, and vice versa." - Raiinabo Phonin/Skylight Ninja
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0Reborn0 is not online. 0Reborn0
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1212
26 Jun 2014 01:16 AM
THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.
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RaiinaboPhonin is not online. RaiinaboPhonin
Joined: 24 Dec 2013
Total Posts: 22
26 Jun 2014 01:41 AM
GO FORTH, WRITE YOUR STORY
I'M WORKING ON SOMETHING TOO
YOU GOT THIS


“If you can’t handle my silence, then you certainly don’t deserve me at my most expressive, and vice versa." - Raiinabo Phonin/Skylight Ninja
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0Reborn0 is not online. 0Reborn0
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1212
26 Jun 2014 01:49 AM
-4-
The block of ice and Erin was gone. Immediately, I ran up to the place where it once was and touched the ground.
Damp.
The ice was melted.

Suddenly, I felt scared.
I could hear the beat of my own heart.
The fact that Erin managed to melt the ice scared me.
Did she melt the ice?
Or was it someone else?
No.. No one was nearby.

Cold, numbing fear paralysed me for a few seconds.
If Erin lied about not knowing magic, what else did she lie about?
The pieces matched together with the past.

Four years ago, Erin came to the village.
It was a rare thing for people to come in the village and become citizens, mostly because you had to be able to use magic to enter the barrier.
It was even rarer for people to know how to teleport, and teleport out of the barrier.

That wasn't the problem.
The problem was everyone, including myself at one point, seemed to believe that Erin had lived in the village her entire life.
At first, when she arrived in the village, I believed that too, but overtime..
I stopped believing that.
I remembered that she didn't live here her entire life.

After Erin came, people started disappearing. They were Erin's friends. No one suspected Erin.
We did find the people who disappeared, though.
Horribly murdered with all their limbs scattered.
Their hearts were missing too.

Erin did that. She was the only person who could possibly do that.

Ominously, I looked behind my back.
Erin was just a few meters behind me, smiling like a lunatic.
I started running, unaware I was even running. Fear was making me run.
I was running towards the barrier. It just made me feel like it would keep me safe.
"Tick, tock, tick, tock.." Erin said in a sing-song voice.
I looked behind me again. Erin was running towards me. The chase of the prey.

I kept running, still a little far away from the barrier.
For some reason, I was walking in the direction of a large red rose bush, which was growing near the barrier.
At normal glance, the air would've looked normal.
Until you see the blinking glow of the barrier, signalling where it is.
The stranger thing was, the bush was growing in the barrier.
The barrier was a fairly thin magic barrier.
It was uncommon enough for things to grow almost touching the barrier.
Growing in the barrier? Unheard of.


I reached the barrier, and for some reason, I decided to run into the barrier.
I thought I would hit the barrier, fall backwards, and be cornered by Erin, since the barrier is practically a solid wall.

Instead, I teleported.



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0Reborn0 is not online. 0Reborn0
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1212
26 Jun 2014 07:24 PM
Bump.
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North1233 is not online. North1233
Joined: 06 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 9978
26 Jun 2014 07:39 PM
Can i please join in? pleeease?
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0Reborn0 is not online. 0Reborn0
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1212
26 Jun 2014 07:39 PM
.........
This isn't even a RP.
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North1233 is not online. North1233
Joined: 06 Feb 2014
Total Posts: 9978
26 Jun 2014 07:41 PM
But i just want to!!! Please!
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0Reborn0 is not online. 0Reborn0
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1212
26 Jun 2014 09:28 PM
THIS IS NOT A ROLEPLAY.
YOU CAN'T JOIN SOMETHING THAT ISN'T A ROLEPLAY.
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Hydreigons is not online. Hydreigons
Joined: 19 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 11572
26 Jun 2014 10:09 PM
north just please stop embarrassing yourself

it's for your own good
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Minun1020 is not online. Minun1020
Joined: 04 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 3176
26 Jun 2014 10:15 PM
Chewwwww I wana join le rp :3

“Nothing burns like the cold.”
― George R.R. Martin
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RaiinaboPhonin is not online. RaiinaboPhonin
Joined: 24 Dec 2013
Total Posts: 22
26 Jun 2014 10:46 PM
That moment when I expected updates to the story and it was just people assuming the story was a roleplay
*MY READER'S STRUGGLES ARE REAL I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS STORY*

“If you can’t handle my silence, then you certainly don’t deserve me at my most expressive, and vice versa." - Raiinabo Phonin/Skylight Ninja
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0Reborn0 is not online. 0Reborn0
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1212
26 Jun 2014 11:14 PM
^
Let's give you your wish, then!
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