generic image
Processing...
  • Games
  • Catalog
  • Develop
  • Robux
  • Search in Players
  • Search in Games
  • Search in Catalog
  • Search in Groups
  • Search in Library
  • Log In
  • Sign Up
  • Games
  • Catalog
  • Develop
  • Robux
   
ROBLOX Forum » Club Houses » Off Topic
Home Search
 

Re: I took out some dialog from my story.

Previous Thread :: Next Thread 
Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
12 Aug 2014 07:00 PM
The wind blows through my hair and chills my skin and his eyes, two olives, look deep into me.
"It's nice out here," I say.
"Yeah, it is nice out here," he replies, now staring down at the dark green grass with a sulky face.
"So... did anything exciting happen at the beach today?"
"A dagger fell out of a tree and stabbed my hand."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah," he raises his right hand, wrapped in bandages with blots of bright red.
I take a deep breath.
"I have told you many times to take care of yourself, yet you insist on ignoring me, do you actually enjoy feeling pain or will it just not get through your head?"
"Sorry, I didn't want to leave without saying anything."
"If you leave for over a week, I'll be worried sick, if you leave for a few hours, I'll assume it was something important and will find something else to do alone, understand?"
"Yeah… I'll go to the hospital now."
He staggers up onto his feet and runs past me, revealing the drowsy clouds in the sky blocking off the harsh sun.
"Hello?" I hear a voice say behind me.
I turn around to find a girl sitting and smiling with eyes like emeralds and hair reminding me of cotton candy.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"My name is Lipinka, what's your name?"
"Mimette. How did you get here?"
"I travel a lot and found the oak trees shedding colors of autumn way too distracting to ignore so I decided to take a look around. Hopefully I'm not bothering you."
She's not annoying yet she randomly appears here, maybe making her feel comfortable will get me farther than telling her to go away.
"It's fine but how did you pop up behind me?"
"Just being quiet and sneaking around."
"Okay then."
Like a spy, except a million times creepier, let's see what happens when I compliment her.
"I love the way you look."
"Thank you."
The usual thing you would hear.
"Did you have an idea of cotton candy when you were doing your hair?"
"Only the color, if I were to go through with the entire idea I'd probably wear some crazy wig, but as you can see my hair is only long and curly and a tad frizzy."
Strange way to talk, I wonder if she's the one that owns the dagger.
"This is completely off topic, but have you lost a dagger?"
"Yes, today I threw one at a tree-I was so angry, wait… did you find it?"
"My friend Daniel did in a not-so-pleasant way."
"I'm guessing it fell out of the tree and stabbed part of his body?"
She must have done it on purpose.
"Good guess, he's not severely injured, yet he's been feeling depressed lately-which is rare-do you think the dagger could've caused this?"
"I've seen neon green liquid leak out of it so that could be why he's been feeling depressed."
That doesn't seem right.
"That sounds like poison, wait… it just starts leaking? Out of nowhere? What kind of dagger is it?"
"A magic dagger, it's cool to look at, but it requires a wise person to use it, which I'm apparently not since I basically hurt your friend."
Make her feel not responsible.
"You didn't intentionally do it though and nature just made this tragic incident happen."
"I feel partially responsible though."
Well she came through halfway-wait… what was that about magic?
"What were you saying about magic?"
"Oh just that it's a magic dagger."
"Magic? What?"
"Have you ever heard of magic before?"
"Used in the way you said it, no."
"You must be part of a minor community."
"Minor?"
"There are three communities in the world. The largest being the magic community, the second largest being the technology community, and the rest are called minor communities because they don't contain any magic or technology in them, also there's a lot of them, which most of the time, are separate."
"Oh…"
I wonder if she's actually lying about this.
"I've never heard of these names for communities."
"I can tell you about them to give you a better idea."
"Sure."
She takes a deep breath.
"The technology community has advanced technology, pretty much building the future, however they are very secretive and no one knows how it actually runs inside, or even how it looks, yet a lot of people have an idea of what it's like, some even question their existence, even though the magic community's government-named the magic government-has said they exist and they have made several deals with them-which to me is a bit much to think they would actually lie since there's a lot of things that seem like a combination of magic and technology, now on to the magic community. At first it's like a dream, until you start meeting some of the strangest people, that have probably committed a crime since the government doesn't care at all, I mean it clicks so fast, you can go steal something and you won't get punished for it, however punishment can come in from others as many have made their own law and won't give any warnings, leading to death, or torture, or other things you'd never want to experience, if you're smart you can easily avoid a lot of the chaos though."
"Wow."
She didn't stutter at all, it must be real, yet I've never heard of this before, strange.
"Sounds extremely corrupted."
"It really depends on where you put yourself for it to feel that way."
"What do you mean?"
"You could meet some awesome people that wouldn't dare hurt you or you could meet people that are chasing you with a knife."
"I don't think I'd ever like to take that risk."
"I can understand that."
"Do you live in the magic community?"
"I do."
"Do you enjoy it?"
"So far, yeah, since I haven't met any crazy people, most likely because I wander around to places that look deserted."
And spy on people at the same time.
"Seems fun in a way, do you carry any weapons to protect yourself?"
"I can show you one right now."
A flash of white blinds me, after a few seconds, I regain my vision to find her holding a gun in her hand.
"Cool right?"
"Wait…"
She's not lying… this is crazy…
"It just teleported to you?"
"Mhm."
"How?"
"Teleportation magic."
"That's amazing! So this is an Uzi pistol, right?"
"Yeah."
"I should buy one just in case something strange pops up."
"You should, always better safe than sorry."
In the distance, I spot a black figure, quickly approaching us on all fours just like a spider.
What the heck is that?
"Lipinka… behind you…"
She turns around and aims the gun towards the figure.
I don't want to experience any of this.
I close my eyes and cover my ears.
I hope I don't go deaf.
"It's dead now," she says.
I open my eyes and lower my hands to find the figure, now right next to me, with black liquid gushing out of its head onto shiny leather wrapped tightly around their rippling ribs.
What the… how did… wait… where did she g-

"Ow! Ow! Ow!"
I hop around on one foot holding the other with both hands trying to stop the constant pain.
I trip and fall over onto her body, feeling the ache go away.
I take a deep breath.
I just met this girl and now here she is, knocked out, about to travel along with me to the community she didn't want to go to, funny how things happen.
Rustle, rustle, the trees start to go, noise getting louder and louder.
Time for us to go.
I grab both of her hands and start dragging her over to the edge where the speedboat awaits.
I gently lay her down across the seats and run up to the front deck to turn the key.
I grip onto the wheel and lower my foot, hearing the cat purring now turning into a lion roaring, beginning to chase its prey.
I wonder what they look like.
I look behind me, seeing the island covered in shifting polka dots.
They come in large numbers, hurt, and can't swim, just like ants.
I turn my head back, greeted by a few droplets of water.
A rainstorm, an amazing way to start a new adventure!
A clash of thunder joins in.
This wouldn't be a good place to wake up after you had been knocked out.
I reach into my back pocket and pull out a tiny syringe and walk over to her.
She'll appreciate this later.
I raise her hand up, finding a large vein and jabbing the needle into it until it squeezes through, then I push down the plunger, midnight blue liquid slowly leaving the tube until it's all gone.
I take it out and throw it outside of the boat, making a tiny splash.
I rush back up to the front, placing my foot back down to charge through the pouring rain, already soaking my thin clothes and chilling me to the bone.
Gee, this'll be fun. Hopefully we won't die during this, even if we do, better to go out with a bang, literally!
A flash of lightning strikes the tip of the boat, breaking it off, now drifting away to a swirling hole, deep to where you can't see the bottom, consuming it and growing larger to search farther for us, the prey, trying to escape the trap we have failed to see.


And added in a few things so you get a better image.

Tell me what you think. :D

;)
Report Abuse
Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
12 Aug 2014 07:02 PM
Bump.

;)
Report Abuse
Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
12 Aug 2014 07:10 PM
Bumpity.

;)
Report Abuse
Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
12 Aug 2014 07:14 PM
Guys please. D:

;)
Report Abuse
XTGNecro is not online. XTGNecro
Joined: 26 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 18514
12 Aug 2014 07:14 PM
let it go
Report Abuse
Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
12 Aug 2014 07:15 PM
"let it go"

let what go?

;)
Report Abuse
Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
12 Aug 2014 07:22 PM
cri

;)
Report Abuse
CWRA0444 is not online. CWRA0444
Joined: 14 Jan 2010
Total Posts: 6013
12 Aug 2014 07:23 PM
you posted this last night

...And that's why yellow makes me sad.
Report Abuse
Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
12 Aug 2014 07:24 PM
"last night"

what part of i took out some dialog do you not understand

that means i edited it

edited version may be better or worse and i want to know

;)
Report Abuse
Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
12 Aug 2014 07:32 PM
my feels

;)
Report Abuse
Xreothh is not online. Xreothh
Joined: 17 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 1520
12 Aug 2014 07:34 PM
sorry but tl;dr
post on a writing website if you really want feedback on it.

No man can eat 50 eggs | But how can someone win if winning means that someone loses?
Report Abuse
Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
12 Aug 2014 07:35 PM
"writing website"

oh my god fine i'll go to that site that person recommended to me

;)
Report Abuse
Previous Thread :: Next Thread 
Page 1 of 1
 
 
ROBLOX Forum » Club Houses » Off Topic
   
 
   
  • About Us
  • Jobs
  • Blog
  • Parents
  • Help
  • Terms
  • Privacy

©2017 Roblox Corporation. Roblox, the Roblox logo, Robux, Bloxy, and Powering Imagination are among our registered and unregistered trademarks in the U.S. and other countries.



Progress
Starting Roblox...
Connecting to Players...
R R

Roblox is now loading. Get ready to play!

R R

You're moments away from getting into the game!

Click here for help

Check Remember my choice and click Launch Application in the dialog box above to join games faster in the future!

Gameplay sponsored by:
Loading 0% - Starting game...
Get more with Builders Club! Join Builders Club
Choose Your Avatar
I have an account
generic image