reddanger
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| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 38075 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 09:04 PM |
it didn't have much description
most of it was dialog
and how my character told her entire life story to a total stranger was... well... strange
but they all laughed and loved it
i don't think i'm nearly as fragile with criticism as most people in the workshop because of this experience along with being on here and people insulting me all the time <3
;) |
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denty315
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| Joined: 12 Oct 2008 |
| Total Posts: 16937 |
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goof333
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| Joined: 27 Aug 2008 |
| Total Posts: 16615 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 09:06 PM |
I would like to read it aswell because I was absent earlier.
I was busy putting a water sealant on a swing set, fort, and one of my older chicken coops. |
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Zulfie
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| Joined: 22 Jun 2012 |
| Total Posts: 1926 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 09:07 PM |
A man walking towards me stops with a big smile on his face. "Hi," he says. "Hello," I say. "Misty day, waiting for the bus I see." "Yeah." "Just curious, why do you look so down?" "Let me tell you my entire story since you, a man that looks like he works in a cubical, is so interested." These people always grab at me and won't go away until they get what they want so here goes. I take a deep breath. "When I was little, I thought that I would grow up and marry a wonderful man to spend the rest of my life with. With all my fantasies, dreams, and hopes, I kept focusing on this until I finally got the man I wanted. Except there were only a few moments of joy because one day I felt like something was terribly wrong. I drove over to his house, went in, heard a lot of rocking from upstairs, and when I went into his bedroom, there I saw him, having what he called alone time with another woman. Alone time was the reason we never moved in together. The shocking thing is he didn't stop! Stunned, I felt instantly empty. Every bit of me drained out. Afterwards, I asked to break up. He agreed. Didn't even hesitate; probably since he was having plenty of fun with those other women, and, well, after five years he wasn't affected much, yet here I am not able to even try getting into a relationship with a being of any sort." "I'm sorry, that must've been tough for you, I'm sure it'll get better though,” he says, still smiling. "Did my story sound exciting?" "No, it sounded...depressing." "Aw, that's not how I was trying to make it sound." "Why would you want it to sound exciting?" "Because it would be a great drama to watch passively since a sad story is always exciting." "You're making this sound like this isn't even a serious issue with you." "Well, it’s my fault because I didn't believe I would ever go through breaking up in a relationship, so there's no point in saying, 'Boo hoo I'm a victim no one told me this, and now my life is ruined forever.' And, if I did, I would feel like a whiny teenage girl, the one thing I never, ever wanted to be in life." "But you were attached to him, how did you just let it go?" "Simple, get in the mindset of he's an ***hole and wish the worst for him." "Yet, you said it was your fault." "It was, doesn't mean I can't hate him to death." "You loved him dearly, how can…" "If you're still attached to a person after they have been lying for probably five years in a sad way I'd think you have issues and need to get that resolved." "What if he's still a good…?" "Wonderful, a man from a cubicle has this much tolerance for people. Please go marry a gorgeous woman that's having *** with other men every single week and accept her for who she is, and you'll have a jolly-good relationship and be happy." The man gives me a glare and then continues walking. Amazing how people want answers and when they get them they ask a bunch of others questions, and then get all pissed-off during the process. The bus comes to a screechy stop, leaving a puff of smoke. The doors open with an old man, overweight, staring down at me. I walk in and pull my wallet out, picking out a black and white one dollar bill with a smiley face on it. The bus driver grabs it and points to the back of the bus. I stroll down the aisle, seeing everyone out of the corner of my eye with their pale cracked skin and distant colorless eyes. I sit down, hearing the doors close and noticing the advertisements with the same tone as the dollar bill. I let out a deep sigh. This place isn't about being happy and smiling, yet they advertise it. I wonder when I'll see a real smile, one that says I'm happy, not one that says I'm trying to be happy and have failed at life, oh well, on goes the show that's life.
here you go
;) |
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reddanger
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| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 38075 |
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denty315
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| Joined: 12 Oct 2008 |
| Total Posts: 16937 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 09:13 PM |
It's not bad. Not bad at all.
Definitely dialog heavy and without description though. |
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reddanger
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| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 38075 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 09:14 PM |
yeah i'm gonna add description
what to add description about though?
;) |
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denty315
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| Joined: 12 Oct 2008 |
| Total Posts: 16937 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 09:15 PM |
Ehh, no clue. When I write the description is just whatever I picture in my head since I'm usually visualizing everything I write as I write.
Damn, now I actually feel like sharing my work ;-; |
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reddanger
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| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 38075 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 09:26 PM |
share it please
and
what i imagined is a place, like new york city, more spaced out with less people though, and the colors of everything is shades of black and white
as the dollar bill is black and white
along with the smoke
and the people in the bus
my mother totally got the idea without me telling her anything because she could sense what this place was like
however
i know not everyone is sensitive so i'll add description
perhaps in the next part of it?
since she's talking to a woman about the city and they'd probably talk about how everything is
;) |
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Zwabb
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| Joined: 14 Jun 2009 |
| Total Posts: 1002 |
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reddanger
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| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 38075 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 09:34 PM |
"publish it"
i actually am along with a few poems in an anthology
;) |
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denty315
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| Joined: 12 Oct 2008 |
| Total Posts: 16937 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 09:49 PM |
/s7vhJYQK
pastebin.
It's got a few errors that I missed while initially writing. If you ignore them it's actually quite good. I'm reading it right now, Just over halfway through it. Damn I wrote a lot. I wrote it all in a week's time without any revising at all Just whatever came to my mind |
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reddanger
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| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 38075 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 09:52 PM |
HOLY CRAP IT'S THE GREAT WALL OF TEXT
;) |
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denty315
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| Joined: 12 Oct 2008 |
| Total Posts: 16937 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 09:54 PM |
"HOLY CRAP IT'S THE GREAT WALL OF TEXT"
That's why I put it on pastebin.
It's 6000-some odd words. Over 30,000 characters.
And nowhere near complete. |
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reddanger
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| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 38075 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 09:59 PM |
let me check my work so far
>1,993 words
brb crying because i thought i had 3,000
;) |
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denty315
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| Joined: 12 Oct 2008 |
| Total Posts: 16937 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 10:03 PM |
Opinions of my story?
I'm really hyped to get back to working on it now omg
But yeah, it's LONG. I've been reading it for ~15 minutes now |
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reddanger
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| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 38075 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 10:20 PM |
i need to find time to read it since i'm tired and need to go to bed soon
;) |
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