reddanger
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| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 06:40 PM |
"It's a twelve inch split blade dagger-made out of black stainless steel-with a three dimensional model of a black widow-which has a neon green hourglass mark instead of a neon red one-attached right above the black rubber handle and the liquid leaks out of the fangs of the spider into two slits, making it a poisoned dagger. I think you can turn the poison on and off by pressing down on the hourglass mark like a switch."
(this is an answer to a question one of my characters had in my story)
;) |
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reddanger
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reddanger
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| 09 Aug 2014 06:43 PM |
at least this isn't 10 lines
;) |
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reddanger
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reddanger
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| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 38075 |
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reddanger
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| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 38075 |
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reddanger
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| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 07:34 PM |
"hello?"
oh hi
so
does this sound too contrived orrrrr
;) |
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| 09 Aug 2014 07:37 PM |
| Okay it sounds good but it's a run-on sentence and there's no need to mention that the hourglass was green instead of red. |
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reddanger
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| 09 Aug 2014 07:39 PM |
what do you mean by run-on and how else would i say the hourglass is green instead of red
;) |
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reddanger
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| 09 Aug 2014 07:44 PM |
i feel like changing this to an owner of a shop trying to sell an item telling this would make way more sense
;) |
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reddanger
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reddanger
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| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
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| 09 Aug 2014 08:05 PM |
"how else would i say the hourglass is green instead of red"
Because people are already smart enough to know that normally it's a red hourglass. |
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reddanger
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| 09 Aug 2014 08:08 PM |
so just say "Which has a neon green hourglass" and remove the red part?
;) |
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reddanger
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denty315
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| 09 Aug 2014 08:13 PM |
That's uhh..
Very descriptive.
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| 09 Aug 2014 08:13 PM |
| It kinda lacks the original thought of the glory of the sword. |
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reddanger
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| 09 Aug 2014 08:17 PM |
"glory"
it's a dagger and there is nothing glorious about it
it's what caused one of my character to pretty much lose her friend (not literally)
so to think oh such a glorious dagger to me wouldn't make any sense for that character
;) |
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reddanger
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| 09 Aug 2014 08:19 PM |
there's nothing in this piece of dialog to tell why it isn't considered glorious though so i understand since the dagger seems pretty cool itself
;) |
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reddanger
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| 09 Aug 2014 08:20 PM |
maybe instead of contrived i'm wondering if there's too much of a description
;) |
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reddanger
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| 09 Aug 2014 08:23 PM |
i think i'll just put this part in a place that makes sense (like a person trying to sell you something)
because two people (which are new friends) telling something like this wouldn't seem natural
;) |
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