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Re: does this sound too contrived?

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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 06:40 PM
"It's a twelve inch split blade dagger-made out of black stainless steel-with a three dimensional model of a black widow-which has a neon green hourglass mark instead of a neon red one-attached right above the black rubber handle and the liquid leaks out of the fangs of the spider into two slits, making it a poisoned dagger. I think you can turn the poison on and off by pressing down on the hourglass mark like a switch."

(this is an answer to a question one of my characters had in my story)

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 06:42 PM
m e e p

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 06:43 PM
at least this isn't 10 lines

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 06:54 PM
hello

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 07:28 PM
guys

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 07:33 PM
pls

;)
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sillystrangeboy is not online. sillystrangeboy
Joined: 13 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 2973
09 Aug 2014 07:34 PM
hello?
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 07:34 PM
"hello?"

oh hi

so

does this sound too contrived orrrrr

;)
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KumiUchiKitty is not online. KumiUchiKitty
Joined: 14 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 3026
09 Aug 2014 07:35 PM
What the hell.
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KumiUchiKitty is not online. KumiUchiKitty
Joined: 14 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 3026
09 Aug 2014 07:37 PM
Okay it sounds good but it's a run-on sentence and there's no need to mention that the hourglass was green instead of red.
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 07:39 PM
what do you mean by run-on and how else would i say the hourglass is green instead of red

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 07:44 PM
i feel like changing this to an owner of a shop trying to sell an item telling this would make way more sense

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 07:51 PM
cri

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 08:03 PM
struggle

;)
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KumiUchiKitty is not online. KumiUchiKitty
Joined: 14 Jul 2014
Total Posts: 3026
09 Aug 2014 08:05 PM
"how else would i say the hourglass is green instead of red"

Because people are already smart enough to know that normally it's a red hourglass.
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apieceofabrick120 is not online. apieceofabrick120
Joined: 10 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 10917
09 Aug 2014 08:06 PM
Sounds like an SCP.
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 08:08 PM
so just say "Which has a neon green hourglass" and remove the red part?

;)
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DesiredShark is not online. DesiredShark
Joined: 28 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 5123
09 Aug 2014 08:09 PM
Sounds kinda cliche.
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 08:13 PM
"cliche"

uh how?

;)
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denty315 is not online. denty315
Joined: 12 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 16937
09 Aug 2014 08:13 PM
That's uhh..

Very descriptive.
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DesiredShark is not online. DesiredShark
Joined: 28 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 5123
09 Aug 2014 08:13 PM
It kinda lacks the original thought of the glory of the sword.
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 08:17 PM
"glory"

it's a dagger and there is nothing glorious about it

it's what caused one of my character to pretty much lose her friend (not literally)

so to think oh such a glorious dagger to me wouldn't make any sense for that character

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 08:19 PM
there's nothing in this piece of dialog to tell why it isn't considered glorious though so i understand since the dagger seems pretty cool itself

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 08:20 PM
maybe instead of contrived i'm wondering if there's too much of a description

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
09 Aug 2014 08:23 PM
i think i'll just put this part in a place that makes sense (like a person trying to sell you something)

because two people (which are new friends) telling something like this wouldn't seem natural

;)
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