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can you guys please give me your opinion on this

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Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
07 Aug 2014 03:37 AM
"Hi," a man standing next to me says, with a big smile.
"Hello," I say.
"Misty day, waiting for the bus I see."
"Yeah."
"Just curious, why do you look so down?"
"Let me tell you my entire back story since you, a man that looks like he works at a cubical, is so interested."
I take a deep breath in.
"When I was little, I thought that I would grow up and marry a wonderful man to spend the rest of my life with. With all my fantasies, dreams, and hopes, I kept focusing on it until I finally got the man I wanted. Except there were only a few moments of joy, because one day I felt like something was wrong, so I went over to his house, went in, heard a lot of rocking from upstairs and when I went into his bedroom, there I saw him, having what he called alone time with another woman, the reason we didn't ever move in together. I was stunned and felt emptiness in my heart, the shocking thing is he didn't stop. Afterwards I asked for a divorce, we went to court, both of us agreed, and he didn't even hesitate, probably since he was having plenty of fun with those other women, and well after five years he wasn't affected much yet here I am not being able to even try getting in a relationship with a being of any sort."
"I'm sorry, that must've been tough for you, I'm sure it'll get better though."
"Did it sound exciting?"
"No, it sounded... depressing…"
"Aw that's not how I was trying to make it sound."
"Why would you want it to sound exciting?"
"Because it would be a great drama to watch passively since a sad story is always exciting."
"You're making this sound like this isn't even a serious issue with you."
"It's my fault because I didn't believe I would ever go through being divorced or breaking up in a relationship, so there's no point in saying 'Boohoo I'm a victim no one told me and now my life is ruined forever.' And if I did I would feel like a whiny teenage girl, the one thing I never ever wanted to be in life."
"But you were attached to him, how did you just let it go?"
"Simple, get in the mindset of he's an ***hole and wish the worst for him."
"Yet you said it was your fault."
"It was, doesn't mean I can't hate him to death."
"You loved him dearly, how can-"
"If you're still attached to a person after they have been lying for probably five years in a sad way I'd think you have issues and need to get that resolved."
"What if he's still a good-"
"Wonderful, a man from a cubical has this much tolerance for people, please go marry a gorgeous woman that's having *** with other men every single week and accept her for who she is, you'll have a jolly good relationship."
The man gives me a glare and then continues walking.
Amazing how people want answers and when they get them they ask a bunch of others questions, being all pissed off during the process.
The bus comes to a screechy stop, leaving a puff of smoke to quickly disappear.
The doors open with an old man, overweight, staring down at me.
I walk in and pull my wallet out, opening it and taking out a black and white dollar bill with a smiley face on it.
The man grabs it and points to the back of the bus.
I stroll down, seeing everyone out of the corner of my eye with their pale cracked skin and distant colorless eyes.
I sit down, noticing all the advertisements are in the same tone as the dollar bills, saying to be happy and smile.
I let out a deep sigh.
This place isn't about being happy and smiling, yet they advertise it, I wonder when I'll see a real smile, one that says I'm happy, not one that says I'm trying to be happy and have failed at life, oh well, on goes the show that's life.


i'm afraid of showing this at the writers workshop for some reason and i thought that it could be i feel like there's something missing yet i don't know what

could you give me your opinion on this?

:)?
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EvilRedPandaa is not online. EvilRedPandaa
Joined: 14 Jul 2012
Total Posts: 18508
07 Aug 2014 03:41 AM
it seemed fairly mediocre that the girl just suddenly chose to tell him a whole story with such meaning and explanation
might need to fix the dialog
this is a stranger, not someone you can instantly put trust into. the person should be trying to make friends. it needs development.

"Peace under an illusion isn't true peace; it's only meaningful if the real world manages to accomplish it"
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Akrylix is not online. Akrylix
Joined: 13 Feb 2013
Total Posts: 28442
07 Aug 2014 03:42 AM
I like it.
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Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
07 Aug 2014 03:42 AM
hm so it seems unrealistic for a person to spew their story?

perhaps i need to make it clear of WHY she did that

;)
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Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
07 Aug 2014 03:48 AM
"i like it."

ty

;)
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Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
07 Aug 2014 03:56 AM
:>

;)
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QuinnTheStoryteller is not online. QuinnTheStoryteller
Joined: 25 May 2009
Total Posts: 17520
07 Aug 2014 04:01 AM
"hm so it seems unrealistic for a person to spew their story?

perhaps i need to make it clear of WHY she did that"

as someone with a story of his own to tell, i can confirm it would make no sense for someone to just spill it to any old random

~AM EXTREMEKORKSCREW I FINALLY NAMECHANGED AAAAAAAAAA~
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Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
07 Aug 2014 04:04 AM
"make no sense"

okay

...

i thought it was sort of clear why she told him her story but okay

;)
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Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
07 Aug 2014 04:06 AM
"I'm 22. Sometimes when i'm at the bus stop, on the bus, in a library, standing somewhere, people come up to me, men and women and start telling me things about their lives that you wouldn't usually tell a stranger. I don't talk much and i'm kind of shy when i meet new people, so i don't understand what makes them come and talk to me. Also i get asked out by men quite alot.

I let them talk because i think that maybe i'm the only person they might have spoken to in the day and might need someone to talk to. And i don't want to be rude. When i have headphones on people seem to want to talk to me more and when i wear no make up. This happens at least twice a week and i seriously don't know what i'm doing to get these people talking to me. It's like i'm holding a sign saying 'tell me about your life'. Even when i'm grumpy strangers come and talk to me. Honestly i'm not too bothered about much, but this is starting to bother me.

When i spend time with someone long enough or am sitting in a room alone with someone. They seem to just spill their guts about their childhood, family, life, their problems etc. and i'm doing nothing to make them say anything. I don't even ask questions, they just keep talking. Sometimes it's way too much information then i want to hear from someone i don't know or they get annoyed that they told me too much. "


well there's this

but my situation isn't the same

;)
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Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
07 Aug 2014 04:20 AM
meeeep

;)
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Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
07 Aug 2014 04:35 AM
HIII

;)
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EvilRedPandaa is not online. EvilRedPandaa
Joined: 14 Jul 2012
Total Posts: 18508
07 Aug 2014 04:56 AM
the statement was kind of poorly put together as nobody would really speak like that or put everything in that order
the person also said everything directly and made clear references

"Peace under an illusion isn't true peace; it's only meaningful if the real world manages to accomplish it"
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Zulfie is not online. Zulfie
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 1926
07 Aug 2014 03:51 PM
okay

i'm not changing it though since this is how the character is but ty

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
07 Aug 2014 03:57 PM
cri

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
07 Aug 2014 04:45 PM
i can add in some pointers though as to why she would tell this to a total stranger

so it'll make more sense

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
07 Aug 2014 05:33 PM
333

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
07 Aug 2014 05:43 PM
88

;)
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litalela is not online. litalela
Joined: 30 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 6267
07 Aug 2014 05:49 PM
that was a disgrace

it has no explanation for her saying that

and the reason you gave later is horrifying

honestly, that was terrible

i'm 13 and I can write something better

try harder

➳OT's Otaku✌
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robomax11 is not online. robomax11
Joined: 07 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 6828
07 Aug 2014 05:50 PM
^stfu

also stop reposting this pls



i eat babies
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
07 Aug 2014 05:50 PM
"try harder"

constructive criticism please

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
07 Aug 2014 05:52 PM
"stfu"

who was that directed at?

;)
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